mmk1 Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 I have an upcoming business dinner that I know my xMW will also be attending. She broke it off 6 weeks ago, the latest break up in our 5 year A. I went NC. My best friend is her boss and my best friend will expect me to sit with her firm, which includes my ex. I would like to reconcile again, as we have done many times. How is the best way to act, cold and aloof or my normal warm friendly way with the ex? I know my ex will ask personal things because she misses talking to me despite breaking it off this last time. Thanks for the advice.
OM1 Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 "I would like to reconcile again, as we have done many times." mmk1 - why do you want to reconcile? Just think back to 6 weeks ago, and your decision to go NC. What has changed with xMW that would make you consider reconciliation? Is she still with her husband? I'm guessing yes. If that's the case, then reconciling would, at BEST, put you in the exact same situation as before - a situation you clearly weren't comfortable with because you went NC. As to how to act ... be yourself. But if you truly want to stay NC, don't put yourself in a situation where it's just you and her. Be strong!
jj33 Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 If you really love her and want what is in her best interest, why would you want to encourage a MW to have an affair? Its selfish. I know how you feel I have had to tell myself in the past DONT flirt with him, dont do things that will make him think about what he has given up, but its not nice. As hard as it is for you its hard for her too. Shes trying to do the right thing, be a good guy and help her if you really care about her.
Author mmk1 Posted August 17, 2010 Author Posted August 17, 2010 Really, my head knows it best to stay NC but my heart feels otherwise. I wanted us to be together and she refused to leave her H because of her child. So, you're right, OM1, nothing has changed so it would be the same old problem that we cant get past. Polite and friendly seems best. Thank you!
2sunny Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 i would see if you can NOT attend. focus on yourself. do something fun instead. IF you go - be polite but DO NOT answer her personal questions. you are not obligated to give her information about your PERSONAL life. when it ended - she ended that privilege as well. to give her any info just feeds her need to be a part of your life. no need to fuel the fire when she doesn't intend to leave her marriage. if she asks personal questions in front of the others - you may want to respond by asking her - why do you want to know? if she pushes further you can say that the information she is searching for is private - saved for someone you intend to be intimate with... good luck - let us know how it goes.
Mombot Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Why don't you ask a date to this dinner? At least you'll have someone to talk to while you're under the bus.
White Flower Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Why don't you ask a date to this dinner? At least you'll have someone to talk to while you're under the bus. I like this response. Not to be mean or cruel, but this may give MW food for thought. It doesn't have to be permanent, but can be useful.
Confused4Now Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Why don't you ask a date to this dinner? At least you'll have someone to talk to while you're under the bus.Woohhooooo now your talking!!!! For something like that I can assure you if it was me my date would be the best looking gal at the table. Wooohoooo...I mean I wouldn't want to rub it in....
Author mmk1 Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 Quick update, I spent 3 hours last night at the event with my xMW, I am married too just to he clear soa date was not an option. She did her very best to talk to me only when I spoke to her and tried not to look at me, despite standing next to me or sitting directly across from me the whole time. To me, she was trying hard not to engage me. In my mind, this is because she did not want to show she still cares. I called her as we both were leaving and, not surprisingly, she did not answer. While I still think she's cares, can I have a more objective opinion please?
Author mmk1 Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 Maybe I am wrong and that was her very direct way of telling me that when she said we were done, we were done.
Just a stone's throw Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 MMK1 - just put yourself in her shoes for a sec. All the advice that you got on how to deal with seeing you at dinner given your NC situation and that she HAD to be there too could be reversed to her. Don't think for a minute that she doesn't care. She cares so much that she is not engaging in order to keep the NC b/c she knows she can't commit more to the R. It is a sacrifice on her part just as it would have been on your part had the ball been in your court to "engage or not". It's the only way right now, MMK1, sorry to say for the two of you to get on with your respective lives because you've both agreed you can't make the respective breaks to make you two the real deal. Hurts like hell. Time to start healing you and your M. Good luck! JAST
Author mmk1 Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 JAST, thanks for your reply. I took it badly because yesterday was the day we had both previously scheduled to take off work to spend the day together. In fact, she had bought me expensive cub tickets for us to go to the game yesterday for my birthday last April. Therefore, that fact that when yesterday rolled around we weren't even speaking, let alone going to the game, and then I felt she was treating me rudely yesterday, along with a few drinks, certainly got me upset. So, I sent her an email telling her I thought she treated me like a jerk and that she was selfish for doing so. The event was for a group I am prominent in and I thought her behavior towards me showed since she was always with me. Probably not my best moment in sending the email, but that's how I felt. No reply, of course. She may in fact feel the way you indicated, but I felt that since I could act cordial, so could she. I know she owes me nothing, but it was just a bad day for me.
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Damn man this is too much drama. if your NC stay NC no more emails, or anything else. The affair is over correct, she sounds like she doesnt want to be with you! YOUR MARRIED! or did you forget?
Author mmk1 Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 Chrome Barracuda, correct on all counts. The A ended in July and we have been NC until this week. It has to be back to NC, you're right.
Dexter Morgan Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 "I would like to reconcile again, as we have done many times." exactly, why do you want to reconcile with a cheating louse? And seems you are just in this to have a no strings fling since its obvious she doesn't want to divorce. So how does that feel knowing she is a turd for cheating on her husband and that you want to bed down someone elses wife? Have a sense of pride and dignity and find yourself a single woman.
Author mmk1 Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 Dexter Morgan, you are completely correct. While I have defintely thought this A was love at times, it was a disaster that is ruining my life. Thank you for your post.
2sunny Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Quick update, I spent 3 hours last night at the event with my xMW, I am married too just to he clear soa date was not an option. She did her very best to talk to me only when I spoke to her and tried not to look at me, despite standing next to me or sitting directly across from me the whole time. To me, she was trying hard not to engage me. In my mind, this is because she did not want to show she still cares. I called her as we both were leaving and, not surprisingly, she did not answer. While I still think she's cares, can I have a more objective opinion please? why engage at all with her? your time and energy got shot down - you should have listened to all the advice here and stayed in your BUSINESS mindset. no interaction with her would have been more appropriate. talk with everyone else but only slight, polite acknowledgements to her is appropriate. SHE, on the other hand did a beautiful job for a woman who is in NC and trying to work on her marriage... take notes as to what she did do right... and do THAT next time. Maybe I am wrong and that was her very direct way of telling me that when she said we were done, we were done. you got that part right. now start acting like you believe her. her actions and words match up - yours do not. start taking the time and energy to work on getting your marriage in a healthy place. or decide that it's time to give your W the freedom she deserves if you intend not to exert the energy on making your M great.
Author mmk1 Posted August 21, 2010 Author Posted August 21, 2010 2sunny, I agree. Even though she had to sit at my table, I felt at the time that she could've acted friendly in front of her co-workers and boss, who are my friends. So, I thought she was being a jerk and selfish to not put things aside for the event and at least act friendly, as everyone thinks we are, and I told her so in an email today, which I wish I never wrote. Instead, her actions should have come as no surprise. In a very real sense, she was giving me what I asked for when I asked for NC after she broke up with me. It wasn't her but me that was selfish and a jerk. Anyway, I am sure we will never speak again so time to move on and not worry about her. Thank you for your advice!
2sunny Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 2sunny, I agree. Even though she had to sit at my table, I felt at the time that she could've acted friendly in front of her co-workers and boss, who are my friends. So, I thought she was being a jerk and selfish to not put things aside for the event and at least act friendly, as everyone thinks we are, and I told her so in an email today, which I wish I never wrote. Instead, her actions should have come as no surprise. In a very real sense, she was giving me what I asked for when I asked for NC after she broke up with me. It wasn't her but me that was selfish and a jerk. Anyway, I am sure we will never speak again so time to move on and not worry about her. Thank you for your advice! the bolded part would be pretending - to pretend is the same as lying. she was completely appropriate. especially since she wasn't willing to pretend.
Author mmk1 Posted August 21, 2010 Author Posted August 21, 2010 2sunny, my best friend said i should apologize to her for my email today saying she was a jerk and selfish for not at least acting friendly. I prefer to leave it alone and put it behind me. Your thoughts?
tami-chan Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 2sunny, my best friend said i should apologize to her for my email today saying she was a jerk and selfish for not at least acting friendly. I prefer to leave it alone and put it behind me. Your thoughts? Leave it alone. BTW, how's your wife?
Dexter Morgan Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 She's fine, thank you, Tami. you are married? geez. so many people getting effed over and don't know it. my heart goes out to your wife
Recommended Posts