Do they ever come back?

[2themoon&back]

It's a holiday and I am not dressed. You have permission to not be dressed. I am perfectly capable of eating ice cream in my pj's on the couch, actual clothing is not required. Start tomorrow off on a better foot.

 

 

Thank you for making me smile through the tears... and the permission to just be and I plan to take full advantage of your suggestion.

 

I will get up and start new tomorrow ……… just like scarlet (ha ha )

 

Thanks again

 

Enjoy your ice cream day !!

[terrific]

Thank you for making me smile through the tears... and the permission to just be and I plan to take full advantage of your suggestion.

 

I will get up and start new tomorrow ……… just like scarlet (ha ha )

 

Thanks again

 

Enjoy your ice cream day !!

I would let Rhett have his way with me on any day of the week. Chin up and try to get through the day

[Thunderbolt]

Moon, terrific is right, it's a holiday weekend and you have a free pass to stay in your jammies all day.

 

I know it seems like there are so many issues to address in your life at the present moment. All of this can feel overwhelming. It's tough to prioritize and figure out which ones need the most attention (because in your mind, they all probably do). Just do your best, learn from past mistakes, and don't live in the past. You're suffering so much right now because everything is fresh. You're still living in the trauma. When enough time passes, you will see a lot of things in a different light.

 

I'm still suffering the effects of MM, even almost 10 weeks later. But, I see so many things differently now. There are still moments I want to act out of impulse and email him back from last week. But, I know I can't. I've worked so hard to get to where I am. After enough time has passed, you will feel the same. Things will come back into focus and the pain will ever so slowly fade. Staying NC is the only way out of this mess. Once a certain part of your life starts to improve, other areas will follow suit.

 

Terrific, I'm glad you have a sense of humor. I can't PM since I'm not an established member yet. There are a couple of questions I wish I could ask you. But for now, all I can do is wish you well. I hope your pain eases soon.

[terrific]

Moon, terrific is right, it's a holiday weekend and you have a free pass to stay in your jammies all day.

 

I know it seems like there are so many issues to address in your life at the present moment. All of this can feel overwhelming. It's tough to prioritize and figure out which ones need the most attention (because in your mind, they all probably do). Just do your best, learn from past mistakes, and don't live in the past. You're suffering so much right now because everything is fresh. You're still living in the trauma. When enough time passes, you will see a lot of things in a different light.

 

I'm still suffering the effects of MM, even almost 10 weeks later. But, I see so many things differently now. There are still moments I want to act out of impulse and email him back from last week. But, I know I can't. I've worked so hard to get to where I am. After enough time has passed, you will feel the same. Things will come back into focus and the pain will ever so slowly fade. Staying NC is the only way out of this mess. Once a certain part of your life starts to improve, other areas will follow suit.

 

Terrific, I'm glad you have a sense of humor. I can't PM since I'm not an established member yet. There are a couple of questions I wish I could ask you. But for now, all I can do is wish you well. I hope your pain eases soon.

What is required to be an established member?

[Thunderbolt]

One needs to have a certain amount of posts and be a member for a certain period of time. Neither of which they gave a specific number.

[Billie]

Hi All,

 

First of all, apologies for my last message - I wrote it on my phone and lots of words and spellings are all wrong - I hope it still made sense!!

 

Moon, coming to this forum really does help. It is a great sense of comfort!

 

It is day two of No Contact for me. I am tottally torn between wanting him to contact me and wanting him to stay away. - If he did contact me it would be great to know he was thinking of me. When another hour goes by that he hasn't been in touch it just makes me think he doesn't care - its gut wrenching (as i'm sure you all know.)

 

But then i think of how many nights I have sat missing him and Sat feeling like that and I think 'How dare he'. It empowers me to regain some control. I want him to sit and miss me, but he cant do that if I am always there for him. I need give him a chance to miss me. - And if he never gets back in touch, then he was obviously never worth it and at least I haven't wasted any more time on him that I already have!

 

I cant remember who said it, but we have to leave them alone, they wont be able to make a descion as long as we are still around for them, allowing them to have everything. - At least this is what I am trying to tell myself to keep up NC.

 

Anyway, I am using this forum for support, comfort and a place to vent.

 

Its day two and I am sitting here still expecting my doorbell to go, I hope that each day that goes by I will get less disappointed when it doesn't!!

 

Siyus, I hope you are doing well!! X

[2themoon&back]

Hi All,

 

First of all, apologies for my last message - I wrote it on my phone and lots of words and spellings are all wrong - I hope it still made sense!!

 

Moon, coming to this forum really does help. It is a great sense of comfort!

 

It is day two of No Contact for me. I am tottally torn between wanting him to contact me and wanting him to stay away. - If he did contact me it would be great to know he was thinking of me. When another hour goes by that he hasn't been in touch it just makes me think he doesn't care - its gut wrenching (as i'm sure you all know.)

 

But then i think of how many nights I have sat missing him and Sat feeling like that and I think 'How dare he'. It empowers me to regain some control. I want him to sit and miss me, but he cant do that if I am always there for him. I need give him a chance to miss me. - And if he never gets back in touch, then he was obviously never worth it and at least I haven't wasted any more time on him that I already have!

 

I cant remember who said it, but we have to leave them alone, they wont be able to make a descion as long as we are still around for them, allowing them to have everything. - At least this is what I am trying to tell myself to keep up NC.

 

Anyway, I am using this forum for support, comfort and a place to vent.

 

Its day two and I am sitting here still expecting my doorbell to go, I hope that each day that goes by I will get less disappointed when it doesn't!!

 

Siyus, I hope you are doing well!! X

 

today is my 2 month mark of NC, and i have bad days and really awful days, and a few ok moments .... the only thing i know---is i know what i know to be true for me----not all the things i tend to think,

 

i am important to him, he just stopped acting on it, he did love me, again he stopped acting in a loving way to me, i do not believe MM just forget all the things we shared with them, they just stop doing them.

 

for me i still pick him...even knowing he will never pick me, so i just try to be ok with my choice for the moment and i will change it when i am ready, it’s just not today... hang in there two days down is a huge accomplishment...i would have broke down and called him a long time ago if I thought I could get away with it, so you are stronger than you know ….

[2themoon&back]

Moon, terrific is right, it's a holiday weekend and you have a free pass to stay in your jammies all day.

 

I know it seems like there are so many issues to address in your life at the present moment. All of this can feel overwhelming. It's tough to prioritize and figure out which ones need the most attention (because in your mind, they all probably do). Just do your best, learn from past mistakes, and don't live in the past. You're suffering so much right now because everything is fresh. You're still living in the trauma. When enough time passes, you will see a lot of things in a different light.

 

I'm still suffering the effects of MM, even almost 10 weeks later. But, I see so many things differently now. There are still moments I want to act out of impulse and email him back from last week. But, I know I can't. I've worked so hard to get to where I am. After enough time has passed, you will feel the same. Things will come back into focus and the pain will ever so slowly fade. Staying NC is the only way out of this mess. Once a certain part of your life starts to improve, other areas will follow suit.

 

Terrific, I'm glad you have a sense of humor. I can't PM since I'm not an established member yet. There are a couple of questions I wish I could ask you. But for now, all I can do is wish you well. I hope your pain eases soon.

 

 

you are a great support !!! i hope i can offer you some comfort as well.

 

and i know what you are saying is true ... i just hate that every day that passes without contact with MM, means it is really over, i have such a hard time with this... but i guess if enough days pass so will the pain. thanks

[2themoon&back]

Okay ladies, it is 6 weeks NC for me today and I feel like crap. I am currently drowning my sorrows in Moose Tracks and later will move on to chips and salsa. I don't care if people think it is my own fault, I already know that. I also sort of don't care if I feel sorry for myself today. I do and I am. Tomorrow is going to be a new day. Here is the thing, someday we are going to meet someone who is going to have a story that they need told, and we will all have a chance to be more gracious to them than some people have been to me. Chin up ladies, we can do it.

 

 

ditto, i have had popcorn with mm's and fudge.... very happy food. this size of a heartache (self induced or not) calls for carbs!!!

[terrific]

ditto, i have had popcorn with mm's and fudge.... very happy food. this size of a heartache (self induced or not) calls for carbs!!!

Cheers Dears!!!!!!!1 Carbs for ALL!!!!!

[siuys]

hi everyone, wow! i woke up to so many overnight responses. blimey! i hope you're all doing ok, and yes to the ice cream, fudge, popcorn! i am amazed at the support on this forum - THANK YOU to all. it's sad to read a lot of the stories, but at the same time, it gives me faith in the kindness and empathy of people.

 

it's been 5 days of NC since i saw MM last week. i don't know what to think anymore as in i was considering 'ending' it last night. i am still thinking about it. i want to write him an email and tell him not to contact me anymore in terms of i don't need any more updates, don't need him finding out where i work or live. and that i can't take him seriously unless he comes with divorce papers and his actions tell me that he wants to be with me. i know he is not ready, but i don't want to wait anymore. i have written the email, but have not sent it. not sure why i'm procrastinating. guess the thought of never seeing him again distresses me.

 

i am doing quite good otherwise. i no longer cry, i can function at work, i have a social life, but i do think of MM far too much, and this situation affects me in a negative way. my gut tells me to wait until his next response to see where he's at before dumping him (if no action or progress)....

 

hang in there, ladies.

[terrific]

Ok ladies, I am curious, who has actually had it be completely over the first time. How many cartons of Chunky Monkey have been consumed because someone has not learned the lesson once but needed a repeat performance?

[siuys]

I contacted MM yesterday. It was just too hard after I saw him last week, and then not knowing when I will see him again. He feels the same way.

 

He wrote me back, then called. He has made real progress via IC, and learning a lot about himself - mistakes he made, fears he had, the past that is keeping him captive, courage he is discovering. He said being on his own, sitting with his pain, and going to IC has helped him understand so much. And until he has worked it all out, he is no good in a relationship as he cannot give 100%. And for the first time, he did not mention his wife in the conversation, and from what he told me, I think he has accepted that his M is over.

 

We discussed and decided to go NC for two months and then we check in, and decide how we proceed from there. I feel better because i was struggling with not knowing. And he said if we met regularly, it will just throw us back into the same position every time we say goodbye. So he said another two months he will have moved forward again, and things would be clearer in his mind. And I will know when I will see him.

 

I know many of you would disagree with this arrangement, and I have asked close friends as well. But my gut feel tells me he is not playing me. I wanted to find something that works for the both of us.

 

So that's that for now...

[Ellin]

I contacted MM yesterday. It was just too hard after I saw him last week, and then not knowing when I will see him again. He feels the same way.

 

He wrote me back, then called. He has made real progress via IC, and learning a lot about himself - mistakes he made, fears he had, the past that is keeping him captive, courage he is discovering. He said being on his own, sitting with his pain, and going to IC has helped him understand so much. And until he has worked it all out, he is no good in a relationship as he cannot give 100%. And for the first time, he did not mention his wife in the conversation, and from what he told me, I think he has accepted that his M is over.

 

We discussed and decided to go NC for two months and then we check in, and decide how we proceed from there. I feel better because i was struggling with not knowing. And he said if we met regularly, it will just throw us back into the same position every time we say goodbye. So he said another two months he will have moved forward again, and things would be clearer in his mind. And I will know when I will see him.

 

I know many of you would disagree with this arrangement, and I have asked close friends as well. But my gut feel tells me he is not playing me. I wanted to find something that works for the both of us.

 

So that's that for now...

Great to hear you're getting on so well..

Hang in there and take care.

[siuys]

Thank you Ellin. I am feeling better, and hopeful.

[KarmasTestDummy]

I contacted MM yesterday. It was just too hard after I saw him last week, and then not knowing when I will see him again. He feels the same way.

 

He wrote me back, then called. He has made real progress via IC, and learning a lot about himself - mistakes he made, fears he had, the past that is keeping him captive, courage he is discovering. He said being on his own, sitting with his pain, and going to IC has helped him understand so much. And until he has worked it all out, he is no good in a relationship as he cannot give 100%. And for the first time, he did not mention his wife in the conversation, and from what he told me, I think he has accepted that his M is over.

 

We discussed and decided to go NC for two months and then we check in, and decide how we proceed from there. I feel better because i was struggling with not knowing. And he said if we met regularly, it will just throw us back into the same position every time we say goodbye. So he said another two months he will have moved forward again, and things would be clearer in his mind. And I will know when I will see him.

 

I know many of you would disagree with this arrangement, and I have asked close friends as well. But my gut feel tells me he is not playing me. I wanted to find something that works for the both of us.

 

So that's that for now...

 

You owe yourself credit. Your circumstances are somewhat different that many OW on here. Your MM is living outside of the home. That would make him fair game to many of us. Me included. The fact that you are true to LC is honorable enough. It gives him time to get his head on straight while not dragging you back in emotionally too deep. It's a good decision for you both. You're a very strong woman. I applaud you.

[siuys]

Thanks Karmas for your kind words. I truly feel I could have a great relationship with this man, and I feel after we have both decided we do not want to go back to where we were, things have improved, tho' not necessarily easy. I feel we are both handling things in a much more mature way, and that we truly care for each other's wellbeing and space. Time will tell...

[Billie]

Thank you Ellin. I am feeling better, and hopeful.

 

Hi Siyus,

 

Glad you're feeling better. I follow your threads as I believe we are going through the same thing.

 

It is so hard sitting, waiting, not knowing what is going on, you try to be strong but then you just need to know, so you make contact. - I am glad he got back to you and that you chatted and the fact that he is IC and is learning from it is great.

 

My only concern is that by putting a limit on NC for 2 months, you may not be moving on yourself, because those 2 months you will be living in hope of not only seeing him but the possability of getting back together once that 2 months is up. - I am just worried that once two months is up, if you dont get the result you want you will be worse off than before.

 

I couldn't stand the wondering or the waiting so i told my MM that although it was hard, I would not be contacting him or seeing him - he made his choice and it wasn't me, I had to have the space to get over that and move on.

 

He did not respond to me, so I have no hope which is horrible, but also good because I am no longer left around waiting (which was killing me) I have no choice but to move forward. Of course I hope every day that he will turn up on my doorstep telling me his M is over, even if he turned up and just wanted to know if i was ok - it would be great and maybe stop the pain, I even think that if he turned up in a few months saying he tried to make his M work but it didn't and its over then I would probably take him back.

 

But I also am trying to use this time to move on for me, maybe one day he will turn up on my door, but maybe I would have moved on by then.

 

As I said, I am so pleased for you, I live in hope for you too and hope it works out, but try to use this to move forward and not place all your energy into him.

 

Either was I think the LS forum will be here for you.

[Silly_Girl]

2 months? So. You have a plan. Sometimes that's invaluable in itself, in respect of achieving peace in your head and respite from the thoughts merry-go-round.

 

However, these are wise words:

 

My only concern is that by putting a limit on NC for 2 months, you may not be moving on yourself, because those 2 months you will be living in hope of not only seeing him but the possability of getting back together once that 2 months is up. - I am just worried that once two months is up, if you dont get the result you want you will be worse off than before.

 

My recommendation to you would be to use this time constructively. To set yourself some (entirely non-romantic) goals and throw yourself in to life as an independent, fun-loving, single woman.

 

Make yourself happy. Don't pitifully (not aiming that at you OP!!) hand that privilege to someone else. Work on your life being full and challenging.

 

If you meet someone in 2, or 4, or 6 months time who really is someone special and worth you making room for in the full life you've created... wonderful!!! And if that person is MM, that's wonderful too. But either way, you end up happy and that's what matters

[Grace2010]

siuys-give yourself a huge pat on the back. I think we are traveling a very similar path.

 

silly_girl-I totally agree with this advice.

 

MM full recommitted 7 or 8 weeks ago, and the first thing I did was sign up for yoga classes. I hadn't gone in FOR.E.VER (um, didn't exactly need the workouts there for a while ), and it felt so good to do something just for me.

 

Along with this I started getting involved in a book club again, going out to dinners with girlfriends, seeing movies alone.

 

It helped my frame of mine, it helped my body, and it helped him see that I wasn't kidding about not waiting around.

 

It's a win-win!

[Thunderbolt]

siuys, I'm happy you and MM are working things out. I remember (still do) how painful it was to be away from my xMM when he was trying to sort things out. It was a difficult move for your MM to move out. If he needs you in his life to proceed with the next step, then you should be there for him. Like all of the others have said, please don't lose track of yourself. This was a deadly mistake I made. My entire life revolved around my MM when he moved out. Live your life for you and nobody else. I wish you and MM all the luck in the world. I would love for this to become a success story. We need more of these around here. Stay true to yourself and best wishes.

[siuys]

Thank you all for your kind words and support. You have no idea how much this helps. I agree with all advice and I do feel normal again. I started feeling better as soon as I was out of the toxic stage where I was on an emotional roller coaster, which was about 2 weeks ago.

 

I am cautiously optimistic about this whole thing. I know that him being in his situation anything can happen, but I feel I need to be patient and give it a shot because of what he is going through and because of the potential I see. If he were back with his W, none of this would happen. I also know that taking it very slow is the only way that this could work out. And this break is the healthiest thing we've done.

 

Other than work, which is improving by the day, I am also exercising again, meeting up with friends again, and I've even booked a short break interstate for next month to see a girlfriend and we will be doing some hiking and so on. I am reading again, can sleep again so all is on the right track. I don't feel this addictive longing anymore, but my feelings for him has not changed. And if we do break up after this, I guess it was not meant to be.

 

So, we have agreed to see each other in November, and a check in in October, probably email or phone call. Meanwhile, life goes on...

 

Let me know how you guys are doing...

[Silly_Girl]

If you're looking out for you, you really can't go wrong. Your post sounds good.

[Ellin]

siuys-give yourself a huge pat on the back. I think we are traveling a very similar path.

 

silly_girl-I totally agree with this advice.

 

MM full recommitted 7 or 8 weeks ago, and the first thing I did was sign up for yoga classes. I hadn't gone in FOR.E.VER (um, didn't exactly need the workouts there for a while ), and it felt so good to do something just for me.

 

Along with this I started getting involved in a book club again, going out to dinners with girlfriends, seeing movies alone.

 

It helped my frame of mine, it helped my body, and it helped him see that I wasn't kidding about not waiting around.

 

It's a win-win!

 

Great advice! Glad to see you're doing so well, Grace.

[Grace2010]

my therapist recommended a GREAT book that I thought might be a good read for some of my buddies here (specifically on this thread )

 

link is here

 

I have to say, it really opened my eyes..not just to MM and what I was willing to put up with before this point, but also my exH, my past relationships, and even my friendships.