Do they ever come back?

[terrific]

I have always been a firm believer that we really (no matter how well we think we know someone) know what goes on behind closed doors. Most people are dealing with junk, some just talk about it more.

Whoops I meant don't know what is going on!!!!!!!!!!

[Grace2010]

 

Next year or this year? Why? What are they trying to work out?!

 

He's told her he wants to leave several times, but she has convinced him repeatedly that he's not trying hard enough, that he'll regret it if he leaves now (or back then) without trying harder/longer/more MC/medication/etc.

 

She tells him she won't accept his leaving unless he has a lease, a budget, and a laundry list of other things.

 

Before he felt like if he DID do these things, that it would help her accept it. But after seeing that despite his best efforts she still wants more time, more effort, more intimacy, you name it...he's realizing that he doesn't need to convince HER that it's time. That if he feels it's time, that's all the reason he needs.

 

Which is why he went back 2 months ago, to actively reconcile, and we sort of went our separate ways. We've both realized a lot in that time (me, that I'm perfectly fine without him...MM, that he really wants this D not to be with me, but because he truly is (and has been) unhappy).

 

They were 'broken' long before we met (history of emotional and sometimes physical abuse...her towards him), we were friends for years (same social circles), my marriage finally ended last year, we started our A, and what we thought would be a situation where neither of us would change our situations (both have kids, etc)...it grew beyond that.

 

So here we are. I don't know that he'll actually leave (though I believe he deserves much better)...they are caught in a cycle together that is codependent. But I do think that he's more 'done' now than he's ever been before.

 

And sure-the ultimate would be that we wind up together. But that is so far down the road, and I have MY stuff to work out while he certainly has a lot on his plate if he does choose the D route. Not to mention the backlash from friends once we do (IF we do) officially start dating.

 

But at the end of the day, I love him. I love who he is as a person, a friend, a father, and even how hard he has tried as a husband. I do wish he would be stronger and more confident and more ACTIVE in making the decision to D, but I also know that it's not my battle to fight. My decision to D was a completely different beast. And if I push or get involved in what he has going on, I risk both of us looking back and wondering if he did the right thing.

 

The decision waging now is to wait to separate now, before the holidays, or in the spring when they are a little more financially stable (unsaid: and after more months of him giving what SHE sees as his full effort at reconciliation).

 

I honestly have no idea how it's going to go. I"m not holding my breath either way...I have my own kids and my own life to focus on.

 

I just want him to be happy. Even if that means staying with his family..as long as he's happy and it's HIS choice, I can live with my sadness and accept it.

 

wow, long-winded. Can you tell I've been stuck with only kids to talk to for DAYS

[siuys]

Hi Grace, thanks for sharing. I can relate to the 'i've got my own life to live' bit although i miss MM all the time. I guess at the end of the day, MM has to make the decision and take the action. No amount of love or influence from us is going to make a difference.

 

I said to MM the other night, that based on my own experience and that of my friends', women do seem stronger - as in they seem more able to make a decision to leave and stick to it and actually do it. Perhaps it's because they know they will never lose custody of the kids, I don't know. But the men seems to be flipping and flopping a lot more. I don't think my MM particularly wanted to agree with me, but he did.

 

Sometimes i re-read my own posts and well as others' and a lot of what's going on resonates with me. At the same time, i am starting to feel 'what the hell is going on?', why am i, and all these women in these toxic situations that are bad for us? yes, i know there is connection, love, bla bla bla, but boy, does it mean it has to be so much pain? i am starting to feel sick of feeling this way, sick of wanting him and not being able to. Sick of thinking about him. Sick of me feeling this way...

[siuys]

Thunderbolt, how are you doing?

 

I'm struggling a bit today - guess meeting MM the other night set me back a bit... sigh. You're damned if you see them, damned if you don't! But we're back to NC until he 'updates' me again. My therapist said I've been excelling at this waiting game... I think I'm back there again. Damn MM. What to do?

[Ellin]

Thunderbolt, how are you doing?

 

I'm struggling a bit today - guess meeting MM the other night set me back a bit... sigh. You're damned if you see them, damned if you don't! But we're back to NC until he 'updates' me again. My therapist said I've been excelling at this waiting game... I think I'm back there again. Damn MM. What to do?

 

Live your life as if he wasn't there, distract yourself with activities you enjoy and speding time with people you like, show yourself there is a whole nice world out there, even if he's not in your life.

 

If you manage to do that, you're in a win-win situation.

[jj33]

You MUST go total NC with him. Keeping in contact gives him the comfort that he has ALL the time in the world. That you are there waiting until he is ready. WHY? hes not the only man in the world and he is unlikely to leave.

 

Some do leave but the odds are not in your favor. We all want to believe we will be the exception but your odds are better if you give him space to see what its like without you. Totally without you.

 

You dont need an "update" that keeps you waiting. You need divorce papers. Nothing short of that is meaningful. He needs to have told her and moved out or done whatever is necessary to start unwinding the marriage.

 

You are getting a lot of encouragement from people who are happy in their As (you are not so that is not the same thing) or who are in waiting mode and encouraging you reinforces their own decision to hold on because of "the love".

 

I didnt go back after it ended but I hung on in my heart for far too long, wasted too many tears, too much thought etc etc.

 

If hes going to leave hes going to leave. If hes not hes not.

 

You need to close the door in your own mind as hard as that is. You can not be "an option", which is what you are at the moment.

 

Your words:

 

"At the same time, i am starting to feel 'what the hell is going on?', why am i, and all these women in these toxic situations that are bad for us? yes, i know there is connection, love, bla bla bla, but boy, does it mean it has to be so much pain? i am starting to feel sick of feeling this way, sick of wanting him and not being able to. Sick of thinking about him. Sick of me feeling this way...

 

 

The answer to this questoin is no. You have the power to stop this. You dont need to stay a member of the martyrs club. You can miss him miss what you had but you dont need to sit on pins and needles waiting for him to "choose you".

 

Do what I say not what I did:)

 

Learn from the mistakes of others which are littered all over the boards.

[Billie]

i posted a few weeks ago and was in the same situation as you. My mm wanted to be with me so told his W, he then decided to stay with her and told me he could no longer see or speak to me. Since then we have seen eachother, he misses me, I miss him, his wife is struggling and he says he is still unhappy. He has turned up round my flat, we have kissed. He told me he has ups and downs but is ok if he knows he is going to see me, he says he is still not allowed to call or text me so has to leave it for when we bump into eachother or when he decides to turn up round mine. When I do see him, it's for 30 minutes or so, then he has to go otherwise his wife wilL start to question him or get upset.

 

Seeing him makes it worse, he sats he made his descion to stay with his wife but he is still not sure. Hanging around and living Like this is killing me, I can't concentrate on anything but him. I text him yesterday evening and told him I was hurting and that I would not be contacting hi

again or seeing him for a very long time.

 

It is so hard, I want to move on, I feel empowered to do so, but I still hope that he will turn up and tell me he us staying for good. It is upsetting every minute that goes by that is another minute where he has not come to find me. But hopefully in time I will be ok. It's seeing them that puts us back and clouds our judgement.

I think I'm doing ok considering I saw MM the other night. It feels like I've been going 3 steps forward, and now 1 step back since i saw him. I find i have to find strength to do the NC thing all over again. But I suppose it will only get easier. Bottom line, i sooooo don't want to go back to where we were so that keeps me from contacting him. And i keep reminding myself, if he doesn't come to me independently, it will never work.

 

It's hard sometimes when I'm home alone and it's all quiet. I come on LS for support and talk to my friends, but I have found that it is reducing - after all, how much can I talk to people about my situation before they, or I get tired of it? I miss MM so much and I know he misses me. This is a serious challenge - not knowing what will happen. But I am trying to focus on now, on other things. But darn, is it hard!!!

[siuys]

Many thanks, everyone. jj33, you're tough! But you are right. I have considered what you said. I know for a fact that he will contact me again, though don't know when. I can then tell him to bring divorce papers. At least he can no longer turn up at my door now that I have moved. But truth is, I am not sure if I can do that, but I'm working on it... jj33, how long was your relationship and how far into NC are you?

 

Billie, sorry you're hurting. So how far into NC are you? You're right about clouding judgement if we see each other. my mm is on his own now and his wife doesn't know about the A. I am still processing what happened, but am glad have NC with him since we met last thursday. but i really think jj33 is right, i am going to psych myself up for that. if MM really wants to divorce, it is only 8 months away.

 

Thanks, everyone, for all the encouragement and support. No doubt i will be posting again...

[siuys]

Billie, i just re-read your post. it's still raw. i understand. i think jj33 is really right - must go NC completely, especially if your MM is back with his wife, and still keeping in contact with you - it's all very warped. my MM is also indecisive. Even he said it the other night - he's a wuss. Well, i know. great, we want to be with wusses.... if you stay in this you'll be sad for a long, long time. he is not even alone, he can not possibly figure out what he wants with two women... get out now. i know i can't talk, but i am trying to do the same! All the best, Billie.

[Billie]

This is the 3rd bout of NC

 

the first was initiatded by me, I wanted more than he could give and was not prepared to ask him to leave his wife. he lasted four days nc and called me telling me he could not have me I his life so he had told his wife about the affair.

 

The second bout of NC was initiated by him. He told his wife and she wants to make thier marriage work. He is stool unsure of what to do but told his wife he would not call or text me anymore. NC was initiated. I continued for a few days to try and call him but never got a response, we bumped into eachother in town after 10 days of him doing NC.

 

The third bout (and hopefully final) was initiated by me. He bumps into me when I am out and turns up unannounced at my flat (only unannouced because he says his wife won't let him call or text me - so this way if she finds out he has seen me he has not broken his promise to her) anyway I got fed up of the ups and downs, the waiting and not knowing shen or what is happening. Being trapped into a situation that consumes everything in your day. I decided to text him yesterday to tell it that the dirustuion is causing too much pain, and that I would not be contacting him anymore or seeing him for a very long time.

 

That message was sent about 24 hours ago, but i know he will come looking for me and if he finds me he better bloody said that he's left his wife other wise i will walk away.

[siuys]

I'd be curious what will happen but I think you are right, he WILL contact you. Keep us posted. Be strong!

 

What happened to all the men out there who know what they want and can tell you yes, i want you, please come with me? oh... they are called single men!!!!! Arrgghhhhhh!

[Grace2010]

siuys...update: He's leaving her. My knees literally buckled when I saw the text.

 

Moving out this week. Signed a lease.

 

I hurt so much for both of them. This is such a hard stage

[siuys]

Grace2010, I am happy for you, really am. I have never been in your position so I don't know, but I would proceed with caution, at least until he's officially divorced.

 

You would never believe it. I just moved into a new shared house. One of my housemates is a separated man for 5 years, not divorced. He lived with a lady for 2 years and finally she said to him that she doesn't want to live with a married man anymore. So they split ways, at least temporarily, until he finalises his divorce, and then they will see if they want to get back together. When i heard that I almost fell off my chair. I didn't tell him my story. I thought to myself, what the hell is going on in this world? Must admit didn't give me much confidence hearing his story. Blimey... I feel like I should just end everything. It's just too damn hard. And since seeing MM the other night I have had broken sleep again. Am doing ok at work etc at least that...

 

Grace2010, how many kids does your MM have and how old are they? Will you move in with him? I hope things work out for you... but more and more I am thinking divorce papers or forget it....

[WowReally]

siuys...update: He's leaving her. My knees literally buckled when I saw the text.

 

Moving out this week. Signed a lease.

 

I hurt so much for both of them. This is such a hard stage

 

Hate to say it but just because they move out doesnt mean it's over. They may go to couseling now that they have space. There will be anger and disappoinment and raw emotions. It's just another roller coaster ride. Buckle up!

[Grace2010]

siuys and wowreally-Trust me...I am not dancing in the streets over here.

 

I've already told him that until he has divorce papers I won't be able to believe that it's really happening. They did tell the kids, however, which is a huge step.

 

Together we would have five kids, ranging in age from 10-6. His will live primarily with his wife, but he will be as involved as she'll allow. He'd take them in a second, but she wouldn't allow it (and as a mom, neither would I).

 

They've been in counseling for months, IC for both AND MC. They are continuing with MC (at his request) for help with decoupling and working on being coparents.

 

It's a 4 month lease, and my *goal* is to have him use this time to decide what he wants...not necessarily to be his crutch and keep him from getting lonely while he lives with the consequences of his decision to leave.

 

It's not going to be easy, but I would be devastated if he went back. More so if he went back after I had invested months with him (and all the hopes and dreams that would resurface during that time).

 

I'm proceeding with caution, and until those papers are in his hand, I won't be able to do more than pat him on the back and wish him well.

[Thunderbolt]

Wow, so much has happened in the last few days.

 

Siuys, I can't say that I'm totally shocked that MM showed up at your doorstep. I'm sure it caught you a little off guard though. I hope you're doing well and I hope this incident didn't bring you back to square one, because you seemed to be doing really well with NC. I know how easy it can be to get sucked back in. During one of my NC episodes in the past, MM and I hadn't spoken in over a month. I asked for my stuff back. Told him my friend would meet him to pick up. Instead he showed up at my place and the rest was history. We kissed, cried and I was sucked back in. MM have a way at getting to our soft spots. So, I understand everything that happened to you a few days ago. Hopefully this will be a one time occurrence. It feels good at first, then it starts to eat you alive again.

 

Now, you need to decide how you're going to proceed forward. Are you now back with MM? Are you going to wait for him?

 

Grace...proceed with caution. My MM moved out for 3 months and then went back home.

 

Good luck to all...

[2themoon&back]

It is so hard, I want to move on, I feel empowered to do so, but I still hope that he will turn up and tell me he us staying for good. It is upsetting every minute that goes by that is another minute where he has not come to find me. But hopefully in time I will be ok. It's seeing them that puts us back and clouds our judgement.

 

 

billie do i know what your feeling and saying here, i find myself looking out the window to see if MM rides by or hoping he will call.....

 

fact is he wont...

 

and i am having a very hard time with this fact. i am trying to move on with my life or what is left of my life(not much) so many things have changed in my life the last 2 months i don't even recognize it as my life anymore, (in the last 2 months) the A ended w/MM, my job, hours and days off changed at work due to the A, my son went to college out of state (so my nest is empty), my divorce is finial, and i have lost friends that i have had for years because of the A, so i just am sitting here kinnda in shock from it all. so i have to start from here and right now here sucks, i feel like a junkie who has hit rock bottom, it has to get better, it just has to.

 

i wish there was pill that i could take that would make me go to sleep and wake up when everything is better........ but i guess i did it so i have to live it, but i do find comfort here on LS

 

hang in there and remember you are not alone, i feel your pain

[Silly_Girl]

Wow, Moon. Your post gave me goosebumps. That's harsh. I really hope things improve for you soon. Wishing you all the best.

[2themoon&back]

Wow, Moon. Your post gave me goosebumps. That's harsh. I really hope things improve for you soon. Wishing you all the best.

 

i am at a loss for words.... so thank you is about all i can think of to say

[terrific]

So, after reading this it makes me wonder. Has it ended for anyone on the first NC go round? Ladies, we should just be writing our life stories and submitting for a made for TV movie. We would be loaded.

[Thunderbolt]

Moon, I'm sorry about everything you're going through. I know there's nothing I can write here that's going to make all your worries and troubles go away. All I can offer is the guarantee that time truly does heal. I know this is little consolation when you're feeling like you're entire world had been shaken up. My only other suggestion is to do something about your future. Take some time to grieve and mourn everything you've lost. But, you need to look forward. Face your problems head on. Perhaps this is a rebuilding time in your life. You will look back on this period of time and be grateful it's in the past. But perhaps you'll look back and be proud about how you dealt with it...this is the one thing you have control over right now.

 

I'm not a religious person at all, but a good friend once told me that "God never gives you more than you can handle." I try to remind myself of this when the going gets really tough. Hang in there. Try to come up with a game plan as to how you're going to move forward and out of all this muck.

[Thunderbolt]

terrific, you're funny! Screen writers could find some really interesting ideas from this site.

 

I'm still trying to figure out how to PM.

 

I hope you're feeling a bit better today.

[terrific]

terrific, you're funny! Screen writers could find some really interesting ideas from this site.

 

I'm still trying to figure out how to PM.

 

I hope you're feeling a bit better today.

Uh, nope, but I still have my sense of humor

[2themoon&back]

Moon, I'm sorry about everything you're going through. I know there's nothing I can write here that's going to make all your worries and troubles go away. All I can offer is the guarantee that time truly does heal. I know this is little consolation when you're feeling like you're entire world had been shaken up. My only other suggestion is to do something about your future. Take some time to grieve and mourn everything you've lost. But, you need to look forward. Face your problems head on. Perhaps this is a rebuilding time in your life. You will look back on this period of time and be grateful it's in the past. But perhaps you'll look back and be proud about how you dealt with it...this is the one thing you have control over right now.

 

I'm not a religious person at all, but a good friend once told me that "God never gives you more than you can handle." I try to remind myself of this when the going gets really tough. Hang in there. Try to come up with a game plan as to how you're going to move forward and out of all this muck.

 

 

Thunderbolt, you have such a kind way to support and I am grateful for your response. i am trying very hard to get emotional control right now and I do have ideas for my future, they just seem so off the wall right now and so far away... so I have to deal with right now and that is getting up and getting dressed, yeah!!

 

and I find myself trying to deal with every issue all at once, but that is just not possible so I will just move at a slow pace till I can pick up the pace... thank you again.

 

I think I am a spiritual person and I to believe that god will not give us more than we can handle, I just hope he knows it me, ha ….. and I have to believe he has a plan and will give me the insight to make the best choices. untill then i am just grieving .......... hugs to you

[terrific]

Thunderbolt, you have such a kind way to support and I am grateful for your response. i am trying very hard to get emotional control right now and I do have ideas for my future, they just seem so off the wall right now and so far away... so I have to deal with right now and that is getting up and getting dressed, yeah!!

 

and I find myself trying to deal with every issue all at once, but that is just not possible so I will just move at a slow pace till I can pick up the pace... thank you again.

 

I think I am a spiritual person and I to believe that god will not give us more than we can handle, I just hope he knows it me, ha ….. and I have to believe he has a plan and will give me the insight to make the best choices. untill then i am just grieving .......... hugs to you

It's a holiday and I am not dressed. You have permission to not be dressed. I am perfectly capable of eating ice cream in my pj's on the couch, actual clothing is not required. Start tomorrow off on a better foot.