Do they ever come back?

[Thunderbolt]

siuys...I'm so glad that you haven't cried today. Huge stepping stone.

 

It sounds like our MM went through the same exact set of emotions regarding them leaving/going back home. And, it sounds like you and I reacted in the same way.

 

I know you don't believe what he said regarding taking a designated amount of time to sort his life out. Perhaps this is a good approach to take. Just assume that what he said is a lie. That way, if he ever does come back it will be a surprise. I found myself reflecting wondering if our entire R was a lie. But, I know better. Our MM would have never left home if they didn't love us. It's a pretty big step with some huge consequences. I'm quite sure that they didn't truly know what they were going to be up against once they left home. They panicked and headed back to what was most comfortable. I'm happy to hear that your MM is currently on his own. Regardless of what he chooses, it will be the right choice. He's in the best possible environment away from outside influence (i.e. you and his W) in which to make the best decision for him. I hope that he has continued IC.

 

For all you know, this could take longer than 6 months. He may end up contacting you in year. You just never know. I'm in the same boat. I'm trying to train my mind into not just thinking, but believing that he's not coming back. Hoping for something that has a high probability of not occurring drains so much energy and creates useless thinking. If/when he ever comes back, too much time may have elapsed and you may find yourself not even wanting him anymore.

 

So, I'm just trying my best to learn how to forget about the situation. I'll probably never fully forget about him. I can't control the situation and I don't want to waste any more energy wishing for something that most likely won't happen. I'm trying to focus on things I do have control over...me and my future.

 

I understand how you're wondering how he could just forget about you, how he doesn't even wonder how you're doing. He does. Perhaps he is doing the most respectful thing that he could right now. It might not feel like it but it's true. If he were to contact you just to see how you're doing only to tell you that he's still in limbo, how would that make you feel? I'm sure you'd feel elated for a few moments simply from the sound of his voice. But it would quickly turn to anger once you found out that he still hasn't made up his mind.

 

I was so hurt when MM didn't call me on birthday which occurred in the midst of NC. He made a reference to this is his email. He told me the reason he didn't is because I requested absolute NC. Which makes sense, but he still ended up breaking it with the email. As much as you want him to contact you, it will only bring you back to day 1. In my heart, I've been secretly hoping for any type of contact. Well, my wish came true a couple days ago. Be careful what you wish for. At, first I felt great because he told me how much he still thinks about me and that he still loves me with all his heart. But, as you saw yesterday, after a while it kind of brought me down. At the end the day, no amount of loving words will be worth anything if they don't take action.

 

Just keep focusing on NC. Set mini goals. First, work at reaching 4 weeks. Then another 4 and so on. Once you get past the first month. You will realize how far you've come and the temptation to contact him will subside because you know it will destroy the month's worth of hard work.

 

Keep on keeping on, you're doing great.

[siuys]

Thunderbolt, thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it. I do feel that you truly understand, because you've been through it. My girlfriends have been fantastic, but until you have first hand experience, it's not the same. So I thank you for your support.

 

You know, I don't really believe MM moved out because he loved me. I don't doubt that he loves me, but I think I was a catalyst for change. He has been unhappy for a long time, and he held on, worked on his marriage for years. I know that there is still a possibility that he will go back to his W, although with such a big secret, I don't know how they could ever mend the M. If he tells her, I think it will definitely be over.

 

I also suspected MM is afraid to be alone although he didn't admit it. I can tell from his actions - wanting to move in with me so soon, telling me he doesn't like being alone. So this step is huge for him. If he manages to stay on his own for a while, he may actually learn and grow. He must be able to stand on his own two feet emotionally. And I agree, I hope he continues IC.

 

I do think it may very well take more than 6 months. He has been in the M for many, many years. His entire world has been turned upside down. Everyone is different. I get over things faster than him that's for sure. I don't think it helps anyone to hold on to the past for too long. I know I will NEVER forget him. He has said on more than one occasion that he wish we had met under different circumstances. Well, yes, but it is what it is.

 

The feeling of NEVER wanting to go back to where I was gets stronger by the day. I think I have experienced enough pain to not want the same thing again. I guess you have to ask yourself have you experienced enough pain? And i have a feeling the answer is yes. Don't contact him, don't reply. He has nothing new to offer. I feel sorry for your MM actually. It's not easy to be torn. And he CAN do something about it, whether it be to completely end it with you, or walk away from his M. But he hasn't done either. It's no fun being in limboland. One needs to make a stand in life. If he keeps doing this, he will be miserable for a long time. In a way, we're in a much better position, we don't have to be torn anymore. No action? Then it's the end. And in time, we will be fine, and they will have become a distant memory, our pain will eventually go away.

 

I still think about MM every single day, especially hard at night and in the morning, and on Sundays. But LS has been a huge help. I haven't felt like myself in a while, and I'm starting to feel semi normal again. I just wish I'd stop wishing, hoping, thinking so much - it's all so fruitless. Perhaps like Eckhart Tolle said, if you can live with uncertainty, your outlook in life would be different - it is a journey after all, and the destination is unclear.

 

Hang in there, Thunderbolt. You are doing great at 9 weeks. Keep writing. Big hugs.

[Grace2010]

So impressed with both of you!

 

Your MM are so much further ahead of mine...*sigh*. And because of the LC I'm hearing now about their struggles and fights, and it's just so hard. It's hard to hear that they are hurting, and just a complete lose-lose because don't know WHAT to hope/wish to have happen.

 

Ugh.

 

I'd love to be NC. To not KNOW that any of this is happening, and to have him (if he DOES decide this) come to me after it's finished. I've been a tense little knot all day long, with snippets of information flying at me from several different friends (none of whom know, all of whom are upset at the situation).

 

I just keep telling them it's awful, but I have my own stuff to work on, and move on.

 

MM actually stopped by today (haven't seen him in 6 weeks) before his MC tonight, and I feel badly for the guy. He is so unhappy, but truly dealing with a miserable situation. I just hate it for everyone.

 

He made a crack about 'if I leave tonight and need somewhere to go, can I come here?', and I laughed and offered up the couch. After he left I emailed and retracted that, and said no...do not come over. I was honest about how horrific it would be for him to then go BACK to her, and I know the probability is fairly high as he doesn't have a plan in place for his leaving.

 

So hey, at least I rectified it AFTER my relapse

 

It's a daily effing struggle.

 

there's a line in Eat Pray Love that really spoke to me...where she's told 'love him, send him light, and let him go'. I keep repeating that to myself whenever MM comes to mind. It helps, because it's OKAY to still love him. I don't have to stop. But I do have to let it go and work on myself.

[siuys]

Grace2010, sorry you're hurting. I know the feeling exactly. I think LC is really, really hard. Why can't you do NC? (sorry can't remember you might have told me). Like my MM said, it's best not to drag me down with his toxic mess. His counsellor said to him that in his current state, he will suck the beautiful things out of all relationships, whether it be ours, or with his family. I think it would do you a world of good if your MM would refrain from telling you all that he is going through. If he has any intention of leaving, and wants to sort out his life, he HAS to do it himself, and it's better he keeps you out of it, so as not to destroy your life also. I know that you'll probably want to know everything, but it doesn't help you, it will only make you feel worse, and it is HIS mess to sort out. If he has no intention of leaving, it is even more important that he leaves you out of it - totally unfair otherwise.

 

MM used to come to me for comfort as well when he was feeling down, or having anxiety attacks. I used to oblige willingly because i wanted to see him. But inevitably, it would end badly with me feeling like an emotional dumping ground, him not offering anything new to me. It's just b.s. i'm afraid. They need to sort out their lives, and move forward and not remain in the same frigging spot and go round and round in circles.

 

Sure he is unhappy. But so are you. He has to deal with his s*** and you your emotional wellbeing. Don't see him. Go NC if you can. It is the only way to stay sane.

 

Sometimes i get really sick of feeling this way, and at least with NC I can get on with my life. I can work again and not be totally consumed by thoughts of him, which at the end of the day, where does that get me? Absolutely nowhere. I don't want to go back to where I was, and if he is decent and strong, he WILL move on, whatever that might end up being. I don't want to be with someone who is weak and cannot do what is right for them and only come to me for emotional dumping. I'm done.

 

I do not know what will happen and wonder every day but am trying hard to move on. I look at things by the minute. If i can get through the morning, I'm better. I can't even look beyond a day. I still check my phone for sms, I still hope to get an email but I know it's early days and he can't have sorted much out in a week. Time will give you the answer but don't get sucked back into the same situation. Do yourself a favour and let him go. If he comes back with his stuff sorted, you know. He's in the middle of a mess, step away.

 

Keep posting. Let us know how you're getting on. Big hugs.

[siuys]

Well, my gut feel was right. I had the inkling that MM would contact me, and he did today. I got an email from him, basically telling me how he is doing, and that he is sorting himself out, and he is slowly feeling better. He said he feels the same way about me, but he is unclear what the future will be at this point in time. He is still going to marriage counselling, but i am no longer sure whether it's for closure, or for reconciliation. he thanked me for everything and said he misses me and feels the same way. he asked me for my new address.

 

i was affected by his email initially (not in a good way) but a few hours later i calmed down. i realised i love this man, and do wish him well. i wrote back wishing him well, telling him i am pleased that he is doing better, and confirmed the importance of being on one's own for a little while to clarify things.

 

i told him that my feelings are the same, but i don't know how i'd feel in the future because i honestly don't know. i requested that we let each other know if either of us has changed our minds about pursuing the relationship. i am fully prepared that he will go back to his wife. i also told him that it's best that i didn't give him my address at this point in time, and that i never want to go back to where we were. if we are to continue the relationship, it will have to be under different circumstances, and that he is sure and is willing to give it 100%.

 

so that's where i left it. i feel relatively calm. i know that as long as i do not go back to the same situation, i will be fine. i would rather end it than go back. if he chooses not to be with me, then it is not meant to be. it takes two so i'll just accept that if it turns out that way. meanwhile, i can get on with my life without the roller coaster ride and the associated spewing.

 

the tone of his email and mine as well is calm and adult-like. i feel he is being honest with me by telling me that he doesn't know what he wants. it's not something i want to hear, but i'd rather hear the truth. and honestly, if he emails again in a few weeks and he's still at the same point, ie has not moved forward or made a decision, he's not the man i thought he was, and that would be a no for me anyway...

[Ellin]

Hi Siuys.

 

This sounds like a positive development, which is good to hear.

 

You're dealing great with the situations.

 

There will still be difficult moments but keep going strong.

 

Hugs.

[Thunderbolt]

Wow siuys...I knew he would contact you at some point. I just wasn't sure if it would be in a day, a month, or a year.

 

It sounds like you're doing okay. You and I had opposite initial reactions. At first, I was really happy and relieved that he still thinks about us. But, as you know, as the day went on I started to feel a little melancholy. At least you know where he stands right now. You're right, at least he's being truthful. He could've lied and said that he thinks he leaning towards D just to get you back in his life. He probably reached out to you today to make sure you were still there for him.

 

I think you did the right thing. You wrote this morning. How are you doing now that the day has passed? Any new thoughts or feelings?

[terrific]

Wow siuys...I knew he would contact you at some point. I just wasn't sure if it would be in a day, a month, or a year.

 

It sounds like you're doing okay. You and I had opposite initial reactions. At first, I was really happy and relieved that he still thinks about us. But, as you know, as the day went on I started to feel a little melancholy. At least you know where he stands right now. You're right, at least he's being truthful. He could've lied and said that he thinks he leaning towards D just to get you back in his life. He probably reached out to you today to make sure you were still there for him.

 

I think you did the right thing. You wrote this morning. How are you doing now that the day has passed? Any new thoughts or feelings?

TB, how did you know he would contact her?

[Thunderbolt]

Based on my xMM's track record and after reading countless experiences from others, I just had this feeling that he'd contact her in some way at some time.

[terrific]

It has to be a man thing. I have read a gagillion posts over the last week and I bet 3-1 the men make the contact. UGH.

[Thunderbolt]

Don't get me wrong, women are guilty of plenty of the contacting. But, it seems like the MM/MW make the contact when the OP are truly trying to move on.

[terrific]

Don't get me wrong, women are guilty of plenty of the contacting. But, it seems like the MM/MW make the contact when the OP are truly trying to move on.

Oh, well. great...I am safe. I am the MW and I won't be doing the contacting

[Thunderbolt]

terrific,

 

I just went back to refresh my memory of your story. You made the choice to stay with your H. I commend you for that and I commend you for staying away from your OM. He deserves the opportunity to move on as you've made the choice to work things out with your H. How are you doing? How are things with your H? Has OM tried to contact you?

[terrific]

terrific,

 

I just went back to refresh my memory of your story. You made the choice to stay with your H. I commend you for that and I commend you for staying away from your OM. He deserves the opportunity to move on as you've made the choice to work things out with your H. How are you doing? How are things with your H? Has OM tried to contact you?

Well, things are going well for the most part. I have rough days, but they are getting easier to get through. My husband and BOTH agreed that we not put forth the energy in communication that we need to. He travels for his job and is home on average 8 days a month, with kids and other responsibilities, well we had stopped investing in us a long time ago. I made a tremendous mistake and am working that through. For the record, I have not told my husband and will not (not debating this one). As for the other, he would be more likely to contact me and he has not. I know he is trying to see someone, I am hoping that it goes well for him for a variety of reasons, but the truth is it won't and I know that he could contact me at any time and I guess I will cross that bridge when or if it comes. I have started a journal and got some counseling, so over all, after making a huge mistake, I am doing as well as can be expected. I have been following another thread and really have chosen to say little about my situation. My OM would be one to look on here and for that reason, I will not go into a lot of detail. Thank-you asking and for the support of letting him move on. I have learned that the heart wants what it wants and that is not always what is best for it.

[siuys]

Well, nothing seems to be as simple as I'd like them to be. After i replied to his email, he turned up at my door. Long story short, we had a long chat, and he ended up spending the night.

 

He told me his feelings have not changed, and that he does want to be with me, but he needs time to sort out his issues. He confirmed that his marriage is over, but that he has to come to terms with the one and only support system that he put effort in over the course of almost 20 years, and that the support system is now gone. He agrees that we cannot go back to our situation before. He said the marriage counselling was about discovering about what happened, and about moving forward. Communication is a major issue between MM and W, and since they have children, they will forever be communicating, so I suppose it's a closure/moving forward thing (I hope).

 

Thing is, his emails can often be confusing as I am not sure what e.g. 'unsure' means. I know he is scared about leaving the one and only support system he knows, and that he is afraid about his feelings towards me too. So there is a lot of fear to work through.

 

We have agreed that he updates me when he is ready on his progress, whenever that may be, and meanwhile we get on with our lives. He still doesn't know my new address so it's good. I am surprisingly also happy to be on my own for a little while, as I did not get a chance years ago where I jumped into another relationship too soon. This time alone has given me a lot of learning and self reflection opportunities.

 

I think we will see each other again, but don't know when. I think it's best not too often as I don't want to cloud his or my life with his issues. I take it a day at a time, and whether or not we will be together in the future, i now feel at peace because i know i won't go back to the way things were.

[Thunderbolt]

I'm sorry about asking so many questions. I understand why you would like to keep your story light. I was just curious. Trying to get in the head of my exMM I guess. One more question, then I'll leave your story alone. Were you in love with your OM?

 

I respect your decision to work on your M, I truly do. I also appreciate the fact that you're letting your OM go. If you ever loved him and never plan to leave your M for him, the best gift you can give him is to leave him alone.

 

Good luck to you and I hope you find everything you're looking for.

[terrific]

I'm sorry about asking so many questions. I understand why you would like to keep your story light. I was just curious. Trying to get in the head of my exMM I guess. One more question, then I'll leave your story alone. Were you in love with your OM?

 

I respect your decision to work on your M, I truly do. I also appreciate the fact that you're letting your OM go. If you ever loved him and never plan to leave your M for him, the best gift you can give him is to leave him alone.

 

Good luck to you and I hope you find everything you're looking for.

Yes and still do, deeply, and for what it's worth, I probably always will to some degree, and I think that is why I am letting him go. My husband has traveled for several years and I always knew that if he met someone, I did not want to know. With his work situation, it would have drove us both crazy thinking about the what ifs. So, based on conversations he and I have had in the past, I am comfortable with my choice. The choice to stay actually was very difficult, but my oldest daughter said one day after looking at a wedding picture of mine that she was so glad that her dad and I would be sitting with each other at her wedding instead of how my parents were...apart. That was when I knew I was going to let him go and fix things at home.

[terrific]

I'm sorry about asking so many questions. I understand why you would like to keep your story light. I was just curious. Trying to get in the head of my exMM I guess. One more question, then I'll leave your story alone. Were you in love with your OM?

 

I respect your decision to work on your M, I truly do. I also appreciate the fact that you're letting your OM go. If you ever loved him and never plan to leave your M for him, the best gift you can give him is to leave him alone.

 

Good luck to you and I hope you find everything you're looking for.

Feel free to PM if you would like.

[siuys]

Well, after I saw MM the other night (see earlier post), I realised something. I realise that although I am in love with MM, and am in a way waiting for him to sort his stuff out, I think if he drags his feet I will get bored and tired of the status quo. I am beginning to get sick of it already. I have issues to sort out, i have fear to conquer, I have kids to spend time with bla bla bla bla - yes whatever. I get all that. Well, I have a life to live also, and cannot be there for him, give, give, give and get not nearly enough back. Blame it on bad timing, or whatever, but I think this realisation will definitely help me move forward, with or without him. I hate dwelling on things, and I guess it depends on if he gets his act together - not only about us being together, but about HIS life also.

 

We are not seeing each other as such despite the other night as I do NOT want to go back to the same situation. If and when he updates me, then I will respond. He doesn't know where I live so it's good.

 

How is everyone else doing? I am feeling more empowered, I hope you guys are too. Hang in there.

[Grace2010]

siuys-so glad you're feeling empowered! remember that feeling when it gets tough again. It will start to happen more and more often, and will last longer each time.

 

I'm hanging in there. MM was going to end it on Wednesday at MC, then they decided to give it through the weekend to decide if it will be next year or this year or BLAH BLAH BLAH

 

It's a roller coaster. I keep wishing I didn't have to know any of this.

 

But, it is what it is. We'll see what happens, but I don't expect it to be anytime soon (if at all).

 

Regardless, I'm not the same person I was back when we started our A, and that feels really good. I had a married client make an overt pass at me earlier in the week (before knowing MM's status), and I didn't hesitate to mention his wife and extricate myself from the situation. A year or two ago and I would have been desperate for the attention and validation.

 

Today? I don't want that, I know I deserve better.

[siuys]

Grace2010 - Hang in there you're doing great. And yes, you deserve better, much better. Happy you walked away from this other married person! Hell, I would NEVER do that again. People say never say never - but i can honestly say NEVER! It's just too painful, and would mean I didn't learn anything from my mistakes. So well done!

 

Next year or this year? Why? What are they trying to work out?!

[siuys]

I think I'm doing ok considering I saw MM the other night. It feels like I've been going 3 steps forward, and now 1 step back since i saw him. I find i have to find strength to do the NC thing all over again. But I suppose it will only get easier. Bottom line, i sooooo don't want to go back to where we were so that keeps me from contacting him. And i keep reminding myself, if he doesn't come to me independently, it will never work.

 

It's hard sometimes when I'm home alone and it's all quiet. I come on LS for support and talk to my friends, but I have found that it is reducing - after all, how much can I talk to people about my situation before they, or I get tired of it? I miss MM so much and I know he misses me. This is a serious challenge - not knowing what will happen. But I am trying to focus on now, on other things. But darn, is it hard!!!

[waterlove]

Did your MM have kids with the W? Just curious...I am OW in relationship with MM. I am single, no kids. He has 4 kids. He says that he would leave wife if wasn't for kids. Hes hoping that his W leaves/initiates divorce because of lack of intimacy so that he won't be the bad guy. I can't judge him for wanting to be a good father. I don't think his wife will leave him though unless she finds out he's cheating. I don't want her to find out because he has indicated to me that he would do anything to keep the kids close to home. She lives in another state most of the time and he already takes care of the kids full time, she commutes for her job. He said his lawyer told him if she can prove infidelity that she could end up with more custody with him and take the kids out of state. He doesnt' want that, but hes taking that risk by being with me. Part of me wants him to break up with his wife, but I worry that if she catches him that he will break it off with me so that he can keep kids in his life and promise his W he will never do it again. He is amazing and I love him so much...I don't want to lose him...but it's so painful to be with someone who is with someone else...it's a special form of torture. I am glad to hear that someone had a happy ending...but how did it end for the W or kids if he had any? I worry that I am selfish for wanting him so much. I feel like I am in limbo.....but I just try to enjoy every moment with him that I am lucky enough to get...because connections like this are once in a lifetime. Ive been with enough people to know that I wont ever get something this special again...so I don't leave for now. I would be with him for the rest of his life if he left the W...if he still wanted me that is. People are very complex, and you can't say that just because he's a man that he is using me or that I am gullible for being so in love with a MM...we have something incredibly special...and as much as it hurts sometimes I just have to see where it goes.

 

 

 

Mine is working out...going on 15 months since he left her. Not exactly as you describe, but similar. He got caught, we ended the affair with NC b/c he said he need to try to work on the M. Three days later he left. I can't say that he sorted out his life in those 3 days, but I do know he realized that he couldn't live the rest of his life without ever being able to speak or see me again. He told me that he also realized that the love he had for me would never go away, he couldn't just put it aside because I was his one

 

There are happy endings,even though from what I've read my story sounds like every other OW. He did leave, he got divorced, divorced and has never looked back.

 

For me I knew in my heart, without a reasonable doubt, that one day we would be together. It happened a lot sooner than I expected though.

[WowReally]

As an OW, Im glad I found this forum because now I know that affairs are not as rare as people would like you to think. I think it's even more amusing that they people who paint the pictures of the perfect marriages tend to be the ones who are having the most issues.

 

I feel better knowing Im not the only one struggling with things of this nature and that the stories all seem to be similar in nature which maybe should be a big sign for me as to what the next step for me should really be.

 

Keep the stories coming - good bad or otherwise!

[terrific]

As an OW, Im glad I found this forum because now I know that affairs are not as rare as people would like you to think. I think it's even more amusing that they people who paint the pictures of the perfect marriages tend to be the ones who are having the most issues.

 

I feel better knowing Im not the only one struggling with things of this nature and that the stories all seem to be similar in nature which maybe should be a big sign for me as to what the next step for me should really be.

 

Keep the stories coming - good bad or otherwise!

I have always been a firm believer that we really (no matter how well we think we know someone) know what goes on behind closed doors. Most people are dealing with junk, some just talk about it more.