Do they ever come back?

[Bitlost2]

I also had a fleeting thought today which makes me stray even farther away from xMM. Doesn't he even worry about me? The aftermath of it all? How am I doing with all of this? How am I being treated? Don't you think if you truly loved someone you would have to know how they are?

 

Hi I just wanted to say I really understand how you feel with this and felt the same every single day. However it is for the best if you are three months into NC. My MM often contacted me and simply asked if I was ok. I initially thought it was lovely, my heart would sing and I'd be reassured that he did love me! However I now believe it to be selfish actions rather than lovely. We've been on/off too many times to count in the last two years. Sometimes it was after a week, once after seven, the longest has been three months NC! With hindsight, I would have preferred NC because sometimes it was an excuse just to start communication again, other times it just made me feel terrible and also what do you reply?? That months on you still feel like ~@~@, that you still cry a lot, that you are separating from your H, that you wish you'd never met up, that you wonder if you're ever going to feel normally happy again, or do you simply lie and say Yes, life's great, thanks for asking, how's the family????

 

Please keep it going, I'm sure he does think of you but he's a kinder bloke than mine for simply staying away and accepting that you are better off without him in the longterm. If my first lot of NC had been allowed to run (spring 09) I'd be in a very different position now! A much happier one. Instead I'm still trying to break the ties with a bloke who seems to think that after about 10 lots of NC and the fact that my marriage has broken and I'm on anti-depressants is still no reason for us not to still be friends and do stuff together!!! I've had kinder boyfriends in my time who stay away because they know it's for the best for me/you, that's a better way of showing that they care!!!

 

Stay strong xxx

[siuys]

hi guys, well, my MM reassured me that his marriage is indeed over, and that his wife also knows it. He still has a ton of emotional baggage and crap to sort out such as children, living arrangement and what not. We have agreed that he can either keep me in the loop, drag me down with him every time, or we have minimal contact (once a week) so he can concentrate on getting his s*** together. Well, he seems genuine to me so we are going to give this a try - see each other once a week, meanwhile he sorts his crap out, then we move on. I don't know how it will work out, but this is the plan for now. He said he is unhappy living where he is (he's in a shared house) and wants to soon find a place where his boys can visit and spend time with him as opposed to him always going to his wife's place now. They are continuing counselling, but it's more a completion counselling, and he said it's an important closure and understanding for the both of them as to what happened. He feels he learns a lot about himself during these sessions and will continue with them for a little while. He told me things that indicated to me they are actions towards change (won't bore you guys). He also said that he knows exactly what he wants (ie to be with me) but he wants to come to me 'clean' and clear-headed. So that is where we are now. Who knows what will happen tomorrow. Any thoughts guys?

[siuys]

As I knew deep down, things would chop and change quickly. the latest: we will give this relationship a 6-month break and see. he needs time to sort out his stuff, he is an emotional wreck, and unable to offer me much at this stage. i let him drag me down so i'm an emotional mess as well. on some level i am relieved that we're taking this break. i don't think it's going to be a NC break, but definitely very low contact. honestly, i'm exhausted from everything, and know that this break is really the only chance we got to have a future together. time will tell but right now, i need to get on with my life. hopefully, after 6 months or more, he will be 'clean' and ready to give this relationship a real go. it's uncomfortable not knowing, but i guess it's also nice not knowing everything. has any of you done this break thing? and how long? did he/she come back? and how did it go?

[2sunny]

As I knew deep down, things would chop and change quickly. the latest: we will give this relationship a 6-month break and see. he needs time to sort out his stuff, he is an emotional wreck, and unable to offer me much at this stage. i let him drag me down so i'm an emotional mess as well. on some level i am relieved that we're taking this break. i don't think it's going to be a NC break, but definitely very low contact. honestly, i'm exhausted from everything, and know that this break is really the only chance we got to have a future together. time will tell but right now, i need to get on with my life. hopefully, after 6 months or more, he will be 'clean' and ready to give this relationship a real go. it's uncomfortable not knowing, but i guess it's also nice not knowing everything. has any of you done this break thing? and how long? did he/she come back? and how did it go?

 

well he really only offered you the same crappy offer he made a while back. seeing as he has no evidence of a divorce. hasn't moved out... and still continues counseling (who knows - maybe M counseling with his W?).

 

it looks as though he only asked you to step back in to your prior role so he could buy more time...

 

it may be best to only consider seeing him when his D is FINAL. this will save you a ton of heartache. that way - when you do get started with him - you do so with all the evidence that he is an available man - for now, he isn't.

 

proper order helps to eliminate much of the pain you are experiencing.

 

step away from the chaos... they will work things out the way they are supposed to. if he wants you down the line - he can ask... then you can decide if it's a good choice for you once things are finalized with his mess he needs to handle now.

[jj33]

Hi Siuys

 

 

There are a number of people on the forum who have ended the relationship and in time the WS has sorted things out and come back and they are married (for example Green Eyed Lady).

 

But be careful. Its not unusual for them to "come back" the issue is with what. In my case he came back too many times to count for a year and a half after the A ended (and it didnt end because of Dday). He was toying with the idea of leaving although we never much discussed it as my view was that whether or not he divorced was between him and his W.

 

Even 2.5 years later he was contemplating it on and off. I have no idea what is on his mind now because although we are still in touch for business our contact is extremely limited but he is still married and not separated.

 

I could be wrong but you have to get over the idea that if he loved you enough he would leave to be with you. Thats not the question (at least not to me).

 

Relationships are complicated to say the least and marriages are more than just love for the spouse. People divorce when they are ready to end the marriage for whatever reason. Knowing that there is someone they truly love with whom they could share a happy life is an inducement to end an otherwise unhappy marriage but its not enough unless the marriage (not the love for the spouse but the marriage) is really dead in that person's eyes.

 

He will do what he will do. In the meantime, I know how tough it is but hang in there. Moving on and setting your boundaries are the best things you can do for yourself.

[siuys]

thanks, 2sunny. you are right, it was the same crappy offer as before. he is living on his own but it's only been three months so he has a host of issues to deal with. he hasn't even mourn the loss of his marriage properly. in 6 months time, he will be more stable i am sure, and it will be close to D lodge date. yes, i should get on with my life, while he gets on with his. it's just so hard right now as it's so raw and i feel pain. how do you deal with the pain... and how do you NOT hope that he will come back for me. i don't want to hope and then get disappointed.

[2sunny]

thanks, 2sunny. you are right, it was the same crappy offer as before. he is living on his own but it's only been three months so he has a host of issues to deal with. he hasn't even mourn the loss of his marriage properly. in 6 months time, he will be more stable i am sure, and it will be close to D lodge date. yes, i should get on with my life, while he gets on with his. it's just so hard right now as it's so raw and i feel pain. how do you deal with the pain... and how do you NOT hope that he will come back for me. i don't want to hope and then get disappointed.

 

i know honey and i am sorry for your pain. the best thing you can do is to stay extremely busy. so much so that you are tired from being productive or creative. that helps to sleep well and keeps your mind off of the pain. it also leaves little room for temptation to go backwards. keep moving forward. it helps.

 

make decisions that are in YOUR best interest - and future.

 

find time to laugh!

[siuys]

thanks for your response jj33. you are right, he will do what he will do. i have no control over his actions, and have no way of knowing what things will be like in 6 months' time, or however long. in a way, i cannot believe i let myself get involved with him. i suppose attraction is attraction. it was this incredible pull. we both agree that the timing couldn't have been worse. i'd like to think that he is doing the adult thing, clean up his act before continuing or starting another relationship. he calls it 'detoxing'. i just don't understand why i'm so consumed by it all. it's like it has to be all or nothing. but i'm glad it's over for now for i will for sure become ill if this was to continue...

[jj33]

Siuys its normal to be caught up in it. You love this man and you want to build a life with him. If you didnt care at all, that would be a sign that you really werent that into him in a serious way. The trick is to keep moving on with your life because noone knows what he will decide.

 

But its not easy. LS is a godsend. I had thought that if he was so torn and because the marriage is such a shell that of course he would leave of his own volition eventually. After reading so much on here I saw that my situation was not unique at all and that the fact that he loved me and that he looked outside the marriage to get his needs met was indicative of nothing in terms of what he would do. It helped me to stay strong and not lose my boundaries when he continued to try to reignite things without leaving.

 

My life has moved on considerably since we split up and even if I wanted to I no longer have time to be his weekday (M-F) wife. I still look back sometimes and wonder if I had handled things differently in the year after we split would he have left? I dont know. But the fact is he is still there so he didnt independently want to leave.

 

There is an old book the title of which is "If You Cant Live Without Me Why Arent You Dead Yet?" The title is the best part of the book but there is a big truth in there....

 

Stay strong what is meant to be will be. If not him, someone better

[Fieldsofgold]

JJ, love the book title!

 

As for the six months - of course no one can really know - but my gut feeling is, this is a way to ease out of your relationship. Or a way to keep you stringing along for six months while he sees if he can work things out at home. Of course, I can't know, but it just does not sound good to me.

 

I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling, and wishing you healing and happy days.

[lilbunny]

Siuys its normal to be caught up in it. You love this man and you want to build a life with him. If you didnt care at all, that would be a sign that you really werent that into him in a serious way. The trick is to keep moving on with your life because noone knows what he will decide.

 

But its not easy. LS is a godsend. I had thought that if he was so torn and because the marriage is such a shell that of course he would leave of his own volition eventually. After reading so much on here I saw that my situation was not unique at all and that the fact that he loved me and that he looked outside the marriage to get his needs met was indicative of nothing in terms of what he would do. It helped me to stay strong and not lose my boundaries when he continued to try to reignite things without leaving.

 

My life has moved on considerably since we split up and even if I wanted to I no longer have time to be his weekday (M-F) wife. I still look back sometimes and wonder if I had handled things differently in the year after we split would he have left? I dont know. But the fact is he is still there so he didnt independently want to leave.

 

There is an old book the title of which is "If You Cant Live Without Me Why Arent You Dead Yet?" The title is the best part of the book but there is a big truth in there....

 

Stay strong what is meant to be will be. If not him, someone better

 

You have no idea how much resonance that sentence has with me jj.

 

I've really struggled to find a suitable description of the situation, but that has hit the nail on the head and if he does come back when he has his **** together there will be no more of that.

[jennie-jennie]

My MM wanted 3 months to work on his marriage. We went total NC. He lasted 6 days. Working on the marriage didn't work when he was in love with someone else.

[jennie-jennie]

I could be wrong but you have to get over the idea that if he loved you enough he would leave to be with you. Thats not the question (at least not to me).

 

Relationships are complicated to say the least and marriages are more than just love for the spouse. People divorce when they are ready to end the marriage for whatever reason. Knowing that there is someone they truly love with whom they could share a happy life is an inducement to end an otherwise unhappy marriage but its not enough unless the marriage (not the love for the spouse but the marriage) is really dead in that person's eyes.

 

Words of wisdom.

[OM1]

I still look back sometimes and wonder if I had handled things differently in the year after we split would he have left? I dont know. But the fact is he is still there so he didnt independently want to leave.

 

This is exactly what you want, siuys. You want the MM to independently want to leave. Your decision to break contact for 6 months is a good one. Clear your head. More importantly, let him clear his. It IS painful. I'm on day 16 of NC. Hurts so damn much. There's no secret formula as to how to get through. Like I told you before, each day I just make a little hash mark on a scrap of paper in my desk to remind myself that I've got one more day in the bag. Some days are far worse than others, but if at the end of it I have my hash mark, I know I'll eventually be ok.

[Confused4Now]

This is exactly what you want, siuys. You want the MM to independently want to leave. Your decision to break contact for 6 months is a good one. Clear your head. More importantly, let him clear his. It IS painful. I'm on day 16 of NC. Hurts so damn much. There's no secret formula as to how to get through. Like I told you before, each day I just make a little hash mark on a scrap of paper in my desk to remind myself that I've got one more day in the bag. Some days are far worse than others, but if at the end of it I have my hash mark, I know I'll eventually be ok.

Even though I kinda agree with this....When I met my xMW I had already had a plan in place to leave my marriage. I had done all the work in my head and in my heart that it was in my best interest and for my kids to leave a unhealthy marriage. To this day I have NO REGRETS. I was going to leave no matter what and since my xW worked an offshift we hardly cross paths only on the weekend. My Attorney had counseled me to leave after my middle child turned 18. He told me this exactly 2 years prior to my son turned 18. It just so happens after I was told that I had just met my xMW....problem is I didn't plan on being in love with her.....

 

So looking at both sides....it was clear my xMW was not happy in her marriage but she didn't have the conviction early on like I did (my plan) that she was going to leave. Fast forward to today....I know it has to be her decision and only her decision. So everything here in OM1 post rings true....Stay focus on yourself. If MM/MW want to get out they will....

[siuys]

I am pretty sure that he will leave his marriage as it's as dead as. I just find it hard to move on when i am hoping that we will get back together after he sorts himself out. i know i need to just do it, and not live on hope. it's so hard as we are so compatible but he really stuffed me around this past few months due to his emotional instability. and yes, i am counting the days...

[2sunny]

I am pretty sure that he will leave his marriage as it's as dead as. I just find it hard to move on when i am hoping that we will get back together after he sorts himself out. i know i need to just do it, and not live on hope. it's so hard as we are so compatible but he really stuffed me around this past few months due to his emotional instability. and yes, i am counting the days...

 

he'll be back - as long as you let him. they always do - even years later. they usually wait until the coast is clear so their spouse doesn't suspect.

 

the problem being - that most of them come back but remain married.

 

is that enough for you?

[siuys]

Well, in 6 months' time he will be a couple of months away from filing for divorce. if he does come back, and i haven't moved on, and still want to be with him, i'll tell him to come back in another two months after the D is final. if i can refrain from seeing him for 6, what's another 2 months? but to answer your question, no, if he remains married, that is not enough for me. time will tell. i hope you're right, and that he WILL come back.

[siuys]

it's only been three days so it still really hurts. i get angry at times, for how he treated me with his flipping and flopping, coming back and leaving. i emailed him the first day after his decision for a 6-month break. this is part of his response to my email:

 

"i need to clear my toxic mess which will in turn clear me so that i can move forward and not make the people around me toxic. it will allow me to find my passion, ability to work, take away my anger, forgive. love myself and get normal! thanks for your understanding."

 

i understand he needs to clear his crap. i feel cheated, and think what about me? don't i have a say? don't i deserve better? it hurts so much that he could just leave now that he wants to sort his s*** out. i want him back in 6 months time i think but right now i am pissed off.

 

also, i went to see my shrink. she gave me an insight into my own neediness. i met MM after many years in a sexless and loveless relationship and was basically starved and craving for love and connection, and of course with MM i was looking for it in the wrong place. he was simply not able to give it to me. because of my own neediness, i let that side run the show, and despite the fact that he was giving me crumbs, i still stayed in. it was an important lesson for me.

 

i love my MM that's the truth, but i know that i cannot accept the way things were, and should never do again. i am trying to concentrate on myself, nurturing myself, and spending time with my dear friends, connecting with people who truly care for me. but it's tough as i miss him so much. we are a good fit there is no doubt, but under these circumstances it is simply too toxic.

 

i am just rambling as LS is an important outlet for me. after reading so much on this forum, i realise my situation is really not so unique. i still can't believe i let myself in this situation. where has my dignity gone?

[Thunderbolt]

siuys...I've been meaning to respond to your thread and just read a response of yours on another. So, in order not to thread jack, I decided to write here.

 

You are right. Our situations (aside from the amount of time invested in the R) parallel each other quite a bit. I too was in a marriage that didn't suit me well. MM and I were strictly friends (honestly) for a few years before we started our R. It wasn't until after I separated from my H that we started our A.

 

I can totally relate to what your shrink stated about being needy. I too was in a situation where I was completely vulnerable and MM was there for me. I'm not saying this was his fault, I knowingly entered the R. But, in time this completely wore me down. I kept sacrificing everything that I was in order to be everything for him. I completely lost myself ever so slowly over the years. So slowly that I didn't really fully realize it until recently.

 

MM did leave home almost a year ago, but he moved back home 3 months later. I wish that would have been the end of us. Instead of being 8 weeks into NC I'd be 8 months.

 

You are doing the right thing by leaving him alone to sort out his life. Please don't contact him. As long as you're in his life, everyone involved will suffer from confusion, you, him and his W. As long as you're in his life, he will be confused. He needs to come back to you on his own free will. You shouldn't have to convince him to be with you. If he comes back to you a free man, then you'll know it was meant to be.

 

As hard as it may be, you need to try and move on with your life. I will admit that I still hold hope in my heart that he'll come back for me. But, I finally realize that I can no longer put my life on hold for him. I'm not asking you to forget about him. I'm just trying to get you to see that it's not fair for you to wait. Prove a point and show him that you don't NEED him in your life. Sure, it would nice to live happily ever after with him. If he knows that you're waiting around pining after him, he will forever hold the power.

 

This could hurt for a while, but realize that you're not alone. If it's meant to be than it will be. Don't force it.

[Thunderbolt]

siuys...I've been meaning to respond to your thread and just read a response of yours on another. So, in order not to thread jack, I decided to write here.

 

You are right. Our situations (aside from the amount of time invested in the R) parallel each other quite a bit. I too was in a marriage that didn't suit me well. MM and I were strictly friends (honestly) for a few years before we started our R. It wasn't until after I separated from my H that we started our A.

 

I can totally relate to what your shrink stated about being needy. I too was in a situation where I was completely vulnerable and MM was there for me. I'm not saying this was his fault, I knowingly entered the R. But, in time this completely wore me down. I kept sacrificing everything that I was in order to be everything for him. I completely lost myself ever so slowly over the years. So slowly that I didn't really fully realize it until recently.

 

MM did leave home almost a year ago, but he moved back home 3 months later. I wish that would have been the end of us. Instead of being 8 weeks into NC I'd be 8 months.

 

You are doing the right thing by leaving him alone to sort out his life. Please don't contact him. As long as you're in his life, everyone involved will suffer from confusion, you, him and his W. As long as you're in his life, he will be confused. He needs to come back to you on his own free will. You shouldn't have to convince him to be with you. If he comes back to you a free man, then you'll know it was meant to be.

 

As hard as it may be, you need to try and move on with your life. I will admit that I still hold hope in my heart that he'll come back for me. But, I finally realize that I can no longer put my life on hold for him. I'm not asking you to forget about him. I'm just trying to get you to see that it's not fair for you to wait. Prove a point and show him that you don't NEED him in your life. Sure, it would nice to live happily ever after with him. If he knows that you're waiting around pining after him, he will forever hold the power.

 

This could hurt for a while, but realize that you're not alone. If it's meant to be than it will be. Don't force it.

[siuys]

thank you so much for your kind response, thunderbolt. you have no idea how much this helps. yes, my shrink did help me a lot - i really see my part in all of this now. and i don't want to be this needy person. it's so unattractive.

 

wow, i can't believe your MM left home an entire year and went back. Gee weez i can't imagine what that has done to you. how very unfair.

 

i have been thinking this past couple of days that if he manages not to contact me for this 6 months, then i will have actually gained some respect for him. firstly, he really is serious about sorting his life out and not contaminate others', and he would be kinder to me by not screwing around with my head. i won't contact him now, as i realise i need my dignity back. i'm worth more than how he's treated me. he said it to me the other day how he has shortchanged me. damn right.

 

you are right about not convincing him to be with me. after all, i don't think that is possible anyway. he will do what he wants to do. and my shrink also said to me that i've been really good at playing the waiting game. and i'm no longer willing to wait. at the bottom of my heart i hope we do get back together, but i'm not waiting. i miss him, but that is normal since it's only been a few days. and i will still get down occasionally, but i need to mourn the relationship.

 

i also believe nobody NEEDS anybody. it is nice to want to be with someone, and connect and share, but in the end, we are all on our own. it can be a lonely place, but i'd rather be alone than with an emotional time bomb.

 

thank you so much again for your response. how long have you been with your MM and how many times have you broken up and got back together? why did he go back after being away for an entire year? i find that almost hard to grasp...

 

honestly, if my MM comes back after 6 months, i will definitely ask him to get a divorce first before we even continue. i couldn't possibly face the potential heartbreak of hooking up again only to have him run back to his W. that's just insane.

 

my gut feel tells me he will not contact me. i really hope so as that would be the best chance we have, and i would respect him more.

 

good luck and keep posting. tell me more how you're getting on...

[siuys]

hi thunderbolt, i just re-read your post. just saw he moved back after three months. well, my MM also did that. he told me he would give his marriage another go. then he flipped and came back, then he flipped and said 6-month break. take a frigging stand i thought. i am pretty sure his marriage is over, but he was so emotionally unstable he kept flipping and flopping. he tried to please his wife by going to counselling (although in the end the objective was closure). he didn't even know why HE wanted to go. he tried to please me also. so i think by him being on his own (he still lives alone) and sort out his crap, he will have a chance to figure out what it is that he actually wants, not what he should or should not do. no one can live for someone else.

[siuys]

it's only been a few days of NC but i am slowly feeling better. for the first time in 6 months, i managed to sleep for 9 hours. it is confirmation for me again how toxic and twisted the relationship was with MM. i think about him a lot, and go over a lot of things in my head, and wonder about the future, but i know that i will be ok, and i will get to the point where it doesn't matter any more if he comes back or not. i am not there yet but i think i will get there. i also realised that i'm probably his transitory rebound woman, although he may not realise it. i was definitely the catalyst for change for him, for if we did not meet, he would still be in his miserable marriage.

 

for the first time in my life, i realise i CAN stand on my own two feet, and take care of myself although at times like this, very difficult. i do not know how long it will take me to get to the point where he is barely on my mind, and that i truly feel i have a full life without him. it is a journey and i hope all of you who are in a similar position will find the strength within yourself to move on, and as thunderbolt say, not let the other hold the power over you.

[siuys]

hello everyone. i have a question. i know i probably shouldn't do this, but i feel like writing MM an email and telling him i am not waiting for him. this would break the NC rule which i am uncomfortable with. i guess the reason i want to do this is a bit of anger. i want him to know that he hasn't treated me well (which am sure he knows) and that i am no longer willing to wait. because when we agreed to not see each other for 6 months, i told him i will wait for him, and now i feel he has the power, and i want not to give him that power. i want him to know that i will get over him, and that he has missed the boat. this will help me really move on, and not hope he will come back.

 

on another level i don't think i should do it because i would break NC, and have to start all over again.

 

any advice???