nineyearsgone79 Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Hey guys.. so I was just writing because of a current relationship i'm in (approx 3 months.) So i've been seeing this guy who has slowly grown on me. It was hard for me to date at first as I am currently almost a year out of a 9 year relationship. From past writings.. my ex broke up via email telling me not to contact him again.. we never spoke again... he never wrote back or picked up the phone. We were long distance and it was very hard receiving the news in this cold way. Anyway... so the issue is that I feel like this new guy I am currently seeing is really really into me. He wants me to travel with him on a cruise and wants to pay for both him and I. He is having me over this weekend to meet his family (his idea.) Anyway.. everything seems to be going great on the surface. He has been opening up and welcoming me into his world. The only thing is .. I don't feel emotionally where he is at .. in his feelings towards me. I think this is possibly a mix of missing the ex a bit .. finding it hard to trust someone new .. i can't help but feel a little jaded inside. I don't feel that passion. I truly think this has nothing to do with him.. I feel like my ex breaking my heart in the way he did .. has made it a bit numb. I just feel numb towards my new boyfriend and i hate that. I don't want to break up though because he IS a great guy so far. Anyway.. has anyone felt this way before.. sort of numb towards the next person you dated.. no matter how great they were to you? I am of course affectionate towards him.. i keep the numbness more down deep away from his eyes. I would not want to hurt him. hmm.. just was curious of your thoughts... Thanks!
cucumbernub Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Maybe you just need more time to come to terms with the realities of your 9 year relationship. A year may or may not be enough for you to properly mourn it and ultimately, no one can set a timeframe for you and only you will know when you're ready. I think that you should be completely honest with yourself and not to hurt him if you know that you might in the future. We all get cynical and jaded after a breakup but if you don't open yourself up to the rest of the world, you'll be stuck in that neverending loop of negativity.
Beeotch Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 (edited) I only dated my ex for a few months and that break up took a toll on me....it has taken me a year plus to be more or less healed and I just naturally am not inclined to be in a relationship for now as my standards are even higher. I am truly content with myself so I am not trying to find some new man to distract me (as I wanted when I was still hurting)...so now I am single, happy and expectant that when romance comes along it will be right. You dated someone for 9 yrs..... You obviously are NOT over this person. I don't mean to be harsh, but I have a problem with people who use other people to get over their ex. Namely, because my ex was not over me, but he got into "relationships" with women, dragged them along and pretty much put his misplaced feelings unto them, he wasn't attached to them, then he would get tired of them and come back....then start the cycle all over when he realized I wasn't going to take him back without things changing. That really upset me. At first I thought it would be flattering that he would still choose me after dating all these ppl....but it actually was sickening to me and upsetting that he could hurt other women like that. They are people too and I would hate to be in their shoes thinking I was loved and all this when in reality I am just a replacement for his ex he isn't over and am disposable to him. Which is what they were. It's not cool. You shouldn't be forcing yourself to date or to have someone "grow on you"....would you want to be that person? Who someone isn't fully into, they still think about their ex but date you cuz you're nice and available? I don't think so.... I understand that it is a vulnerable time and you probably did not intend to hurt this person but you're not over your ex. Be honest with yourself and admit that. I know there can be pressure from those around us to just "get over" someone so we often feel this need to "show it" by finding someone new. But YOUR TIME is YOUR TIME. No one is living your life so they cannot choose for you or tell you how to feel. People give their 2 cents but go to bed at night quite comfy while we're worried about their opinions, I learned that, laugh at it and decide to live my life because Im gonna suffer the consequences so let me choose for me and not suffer consequences to make others happy. You are numb because you haven't healed and dating prematurely is a disservice to yourself and this guy. Clearly dating him doesn't make you feel better...so this whole scenario is a sham. You need some more time to heal and when you actually get over your ex for real, you'll realize you're not numb and you can love again in an HONEST way. Edited August 17, 2010 by Beeotch
ColdFox Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 I struggled with that a few months ago, when I first started to date again after my husband died. This forum pointed out to me that I wasn't ready. I was not healed and ready to move on. It turned out, I was also suffering from a form of depression.
GrayClouds Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 If you go out and buy a new shoe and it hurts the bottom of your feet are you going to blame the old shoe? No it just means you have to go shopping a little be longer to find one that fits and will be your solemate.
Jabez Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 I know this feeling all too well. Since my ex broke up with me, I haven't even looked at another girl or given one the chance to talk to me. I mean, sure, they're attractive and all, but I just don't feel anything when I see them.
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