teeks Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 I just need help finding some answers.I've been broken up from my ex girlfriend who is a single mother for 2 months now, we've had very little communication in these two months. I've been told that the reason for the split is that when we got into an argument I questioned why she went out two nights in a row and who was taking care of her kid when she was hungover. (Huge mistake because I said it angrily.) I've apologized sincerely because I know she's a good mom, its one of the reasons why I was with her and I was just angry that she didn't communicate to me her plan and so I was worried about her and her kid. She says she can't forgive me for what I said and wants nothing to do with me. I love her but I don't want to bother her so I've really limited my texts, no phone calls and hid her on fb. Some days I hold on to false hope that she will realize i'm just a human and i screw up like she has in the past as well. She has a lot of emotional highs and lows and she threatened to leave the relationship whenever we had a disagreement which I told her that it hurt me when she said things like that. She knows that I love her and her daughter and other then our last fight I was very loving and supportive of her. All of the texts I've sent to her haven't been mean because I don't want to bother her. I'm just not sure what to do
9Lives Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 well I don't know how long u were together or how long u been apart but if I was you, I would ask her if u could talk about the direction this relationship is heading in. if she will have this conversation, take her somewhere nice and discuss what is happening. don't let her play with your emotions and be prepared for her to make a decision either way. after u talk to her, if she is serious about moving on, do yourself a favor and let her go for your own sanity. if she wants to try again, u are still not out the woods. you have to make sure that she is for real and not just saying something. either way it goes I believe if u love someone, you owe it to yourself to find out the truth. if she says its over...then you hae to leave her alone cause no matter what u do, she will pull away anyway so its kinda useless.
Don Ho Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Well Teeks, I'm in a similar situation. I drank too much one night, she invited me over, I lied that I was close to her house, she got mad and told me not to come over, I was (at that point) 5 minutes away and told her so, she still told me to go home. I went there anyway, knocked, she didn't answer. That was it I went home. Heard from her the next day and she was MAD. Then I was dumb enough to ask why she didn't answer the door and if she had another guy there. Bad move. That started it all down hill and she told me she "didn't feel that same anymore". I didn't beg or smother her and went NC two days later. Anyway. The point to my story is this: women do not like to be questioned about their Motherhood, going out and do not like being accused when they have done nothing wrong. I would assume from the tone of your thread that you continued to push, beg, plead and (don't take this as an insult) acted like a pussy. She wanted to pull away and you (like me and most guys) instead of pulling back, pushed and chased. First it's NONE of your business why she was out drinking and hungover, you were being controlling and an insecure pussy. Then you challenge her Motherhood. Bad move. I think you should have backed way, way off after apologizing. BTW she broke up with YOU, it's not that you split up. Did she say why? I think there's more to the story than just that incident. What do you mean you backed off on the texting?? You should have gone total NC and given her the space she wanted. Do not contact her in ANY form for the next 1-2 weeks. I mean nothing. Get busy with your life. Work on yourself. Go read some David DeAngelo and learn not to be such a pussy. No, I DO NOT think you should meet her and ask her how she is "feeling" or what your "status". This will push her further away. IF you do not hear from her in 2 weeks, then you can approach (we can go over that later). If SHE contacts YOU during those two weeks, you have to gauge why she is contacting and respond accordingly. Respond cautiously and keep it light. DO NOT bring up the past or the incidence. DO NOT profess your love. See if she shows some interest and you could meet her for coffee. IF that happens, DO NOT bring up the past or the incidence!! The idea is to get her to enjoy your company again. Keep it brief and light. IF she brings up the past, I think it's best to say "hey I just wanted to meet you for a quick coffee and I don't think we need to go over that right now". Talk about her kid, the weather, Prada hand bags. Anything besides the two of you. Get it???
Author teeks Posted August 17, 2010 Author Posted August 17, 2010 Don- I totally hear what you're saying, I did try to contact her a few times after and I know it was the wrong choice being that it probably pushed her away and it made me loose some self respect at the time. I stand by my questioning her going out just not the way I approached it. I was angry that she didn't tell me anything about her plans and if her daughter was my daughter, which is how she wanted me to approach the situation, I would've been just as angry. I think she's young and insecure and I hit on some truth. The reason why I apologized is because I feel bad for hurting her and I'll take the responsibility for what I said. I don't care if I was right or wrong but my values are good and I was very good to her.She was my first priority and I was her third or fourth which is how it should be for her and I don't even care that she went out two nights in a row and i trust her. I appreciate your input. I think I'm going to let it cool down for a few months not weeks. I love her and if she needs to try to date other people I'm confident enough in myself that she will be hard pressed to find someone better and it helps that I've been asked out a few times by her friends and coworkers.
Don Ho Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Sounds like you've got a good handle on this. However I disagree with what you said "I stand by my questioning her going out just not the way I approached it. I was angry that she didn't tell me anything about her plans and if her daughter was my daughter, which is how she wanted me to approach the situation, I would've been just as angry". I think you're out of line on this one. You have to be confident enough AND non-controlling when she wants to go out. Your response when she says she was going out should have been "great, have fun". That's all. No one wants to be nagged at or questioned why they are going out drinking or whatever. She probably didn't tell you her plans because she knew you would give her grief. Another sign you have been controlling. BTW, it's NOT your daughter and never will be, even if you married her someday. She had him with another guy. I also learned this one the hard way with another Ex, keep your mouth shut when it comes to their kids. They will always think you're questioning their Motherhood. Best to just listen when they talk about kid issues and keep your mouth shut 95% of the time. Cool that you're willing to leave it more than a few weeks. I think that also gives you time to see that you have been controlling, a bit of a biatch and that you have to not say anything that suggests she's not a good Mother (even though you do tell her that she is). I'm 45 and you're probably quite a bit younger. Trust me, you need to be a little more easy going when it comes to those two issues and learn a mature man will be ok with his woman going out. Good luck.
9Lives Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Well Teeks, Don Ho could be right about his approach. As a woman, we dont like for things to be hanging in the balance for too long. We start to imagine things are happening that makes us uncomfortable. Some time away is good.. Not bring up what pissed her off...that might be okay but Im not sure. Women love to talk about our problems. We just dont want to be attacked or made to feel like we were wrong about something we feel strongly about. It might be better for you to say to her...I know your a good mother and Im not going to interefere with that anymore. Its up to you, but just letting it go and saying I dont think we should talk about it ....not sure that is the right way. Good luck
Don Ho Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 9Lives, I don't necessarily disagree with you, however, my point was that he already apologized and as far as initial meetings he should keep it light and fun and they should enjoy each other's company. Too many couples have a 1st or 2nd "date" and jump back right into where they left off and start fighting. That's not going to make her feel much attraction for him when he's trying to increase her attraction. There's always time to say that or bring that up IF they start to reconcile. I would let her bring up the subject though.
Author teeks Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 'have fun and call me if you gals need a ride.' is what I text her both nights before she went out. Whenever she would go out I asked her just to send me a text so that I knew she was ok, she wanted me to do the same thing. I didn't get a text and it was out of the ordinary. I didn't want to ruin either of her nights or embarass her when she was with her friends so I waited until sunday to bring it up. I don't mind you being critical of me because I know you had to learn from mistakes too and it sucks when they're made. She used to destroy me for going out with my friends even if it was for one night and it pissed me off that she blew me off the whole weekend and acted out of character. I'm pretty low drama, pretty low need and I'll admit that I got walked on most of the time in this relationship because little things don't get to me. It was totally my place to make that call and I didn't argue often in this relationship but its unacceptable to be sleeping in until noon hungover with a five year old running around my kid or not. It doesn't make her a bad mom or person it just makes it a mistake just like how I couldn't be constructive and supportive in dealing with the situation.
Author teeks Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 (edited) obviously i'm not going to tell it to her like that because I was chicken crap in how I brought it up last time and she'll view it as another attack. I should be there just to support and listen to her and like you said keep my mouth shut in that subject no matter if I think I'm right or wrong, thats good advice. Sorry I'm just venting here because I don't want to f up if she decides to give it another roll. Edited August 18, 2010 by teeks
9Lives Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 'have fun and call me if you gals need a ride.' is what I text her both nights before she went out. Whenever she would go out I asked her just to send me a text so that I knew she was ok, she wanted me to do the same thing. I didn't get a text and it was out of the ordinary. I didn't want to ruin either of her nights or embarass her when she was with her friends so I waited until sunday to bring it up. I don't mind you being critical of me because I know you had to learn from mistakes too and it sucks when they're made. She used to destroy me for going out with my friends even if it was for one night and it pissed me off that she blew me off the whole weekend and acted out of character. I'm pretty low drama, pretty low need and I'll admit that I got walked on most of the time in this relationship because little things don't get to me. It was totally my place to make that call and I didn't argue often in this relationship but its unacceptable to be sleeping in until noon hungover with a five year old running around my kid or not. It doesn't make her a bad mom or person it just makes it a mistake just like how I couldn't be constructive and supportive in dealing with the situation. well what I she doing? is she calling or showing any signs that she wants to talk to you? did she accept your apology?
Author teeks Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 the last few days she's communicated through her friends, they're telling me that I just need to be patient with her and to give her time because she's a very emotional person. She's called me a few times to see how I was doing and to let me know shes ok but she can't forgive me yet. I'm just going to be patient.
Don Ho Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 (edited) 'have fun and call me if you gals need a ride.' is what I text her both nights before she went out. Teeks, see what I mean? You act like a pussy. You're basically letting her know, 'hey I have no life, I'm a nice guy, I will wait and do whatever you want". Wrong thing to say to a woman. I used to say things just like that to my Exes. And do you know what it did? LOWER their attraction to me and they dumped me. Women want a MAN, not a boy or a doormat. Now I say to the women I date (or have as a GF). "Cool, have a great time". That's IT!! Nothing else, no insecurity, no I will pick you up, etc. Get it?? Nice guys come in LAST .... or 99% of the time get dumped just like you. I'll admit that I got walked on most of the time in this relationship because little things don't get to me. It's not that you don't let little things don't get to you, it's that you have no backbone and as a result, she will not respect you and lose interest in you. So don't say you don't let "little things" get to you, it's that you are a pussy. She used to destroy me for going out with my friends even if it was for one night and it pissed me off that she blew me off the whole weekend and acted out of character. Good! That is what you want; her on edge wondering what you're doing when you're out with your friends. That puts YOU in control and her in LESS control. That's what she didn't like. But that's what you need to do if you're gonna be a MAN. That is what will make you more attractive to her. It was totally my place to make that call and I didn't argue often in this relationship but its unacceptable to be sleeping in until noon hungover with a five year old running around my kid or not. Awesome bro. WHERE did that get you? Dumped. So it really doesn't matter if you think it was your place or not. You still cannot seem to grasp that it is NOT your daughter and really it is NOT your business. You need to understand that. If she is jeopardizing her daughter that much, then call Child Protective Services. Bro, you have got to get some backbone and start acting like a man if you want even the slightest chance of getting her back. Right now she knows you're sitting around pining for her and waiting. VERY unattractive. I pray that you are doing NC. Now stop sitting around, get out, go hang with some female friends, been seen with an attractive woman so her friends will see, DO NOT talk to her friends about her. Go read some Doc Love and David DeAngelo on askmen.com. Edited August 18, 2010 by Don Ho
Author teeks Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 I agree with you on most points but here's a curveball. Her dad walked out on her mom when she was four and her boyfriend walked out on her when she was 4 months pregnant. I'm bustin my ass at the gym for three hours a clip per day and I've only missed sundays cause I get sauced up every saturday. I've thrown myself into work so I just collapse at night.
Don Ho Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 There you go bro, when ever you break up hit the gym hard!! Right on! I don't think her childhood issues have much to do with how you should be a man with a woman and not a doormat. Sometimes it makes them more insecure and that can be an advantage with NC. Sometimes it makes them cold and you still have to wait it out with NC.
Author teeks Posted August 19, 2010 Author Posted August 19, 2010 cool, I'll just do my thing hold fast on NC and let the chips fall where they may. preciate the words
Don Ho Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 cool, I'll just do my thing hold fast on NC and let the chips fall where they may. preciate the words Good, but you should hold onto NC with the idea of her NOT coming back and moving FORWARD with you life. You have to have in you mind that the chips will not fall in your favor and you should continue working out, going out, growing, learning and try your best to not make the same mistakes with the next gal.
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