lilbunny Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Just one out of curiousity, but would any OW/OM ever feel justified in revealing an affair to someone's husband/wife? I have never been tempted to and suspect that any such actions would more than likely backfire badly e.g. they would deny it and be believed, you would lose out even if it broke up the marriage. I also feel that it isn't really my place. There seems to be a strong consensus that it tends to be wives that do the leaving in the majority of cases, any OW thought this would be a way of bringing about the end of a marriage after endless deadlines have come and gone? What about as revenge?
Fallen Angel Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Just one out of curiousity, but would any OW/OM ever feel justified in revealing an affair to someone's husband/wife? I have never been tempted to and suspect that any such actions would more than likely backfire badly e.g. they would deny it and be believed, you would lose out even if it broke up the marriage. I also feel that it isn't really my place. There seems to be a strong consensus that it tends to be wives that do the leaving in the majority of cases, any OW thought this would be a way of bringing about the end of a marriage after endless deadlines have come and gone? What about as revenge? I think the most obvious reason to do that would be to bring about the conclusion of the "affair dynamic", just to simply push the MP off the fence one way or another. I think is a valid reason for outing the affair to the BS. Of course it could backfire on them, if they hoped that it would send the MP running into their waiting arms. *shrug* I would think most often it is done for revenge though. As to if I would do it, perhaps someday I will call her up and have an open discussion with her. She is aware of my relationship with her husband, but I have thought about a phone call now and then, and just clearing the air. I am not sure though that in my case the dynamic would change over much. *shrug* As the reasons for them staying together would not change until their youngest child is grown, and they both plan to wait it out.
Silly_Girl Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Thinking about doing this. Need to think some more. Her not knowing gives me a lot of guilt and takes up a tremendous amount of headspace. MM has said he will tell her. If he doesn't I suspect I might. To do so would guarantee the end of he and I. It also would allow his wife to make an informed choice for the first time in a long time. My MM will cheat again one day if I disappear. No doubt. And I believe her not knowing that fact is painfully unfair.
Author lilbunny Posted August 17, 2010 Author Posted August 17, 2010 Thinking about doing this. Need to think some more. Her not knowing gives me a lot of guilt and takes up a tremendous amount of headspace. MM has said he will tell her. If he doesn't I suspect I might. To do so would guarantee the end of he and I. It also would allow his wife to make an informed choice for the first time in a long time. My MM will cheat again one day if I disappear. No doubt. And I believe her not knowing that fact is painfully unfair. It is a tough one. I can't help but think if I was being cheated on I would want to know the truth, yet I'm not convinced I would be comfortable with spilling the beans myself. In fact I would feel the need to know the gory details. I also know I would have to fess up if I was cheating on someone, couldn't keep it in. I try to avoid thinking about what is fair for her, I'm skating on thin ice there conscience-wise and it is better for my mental health.
dragonwave Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 It depends on one's intention.... If the spouse knows of the affair...is the intention to clear the air? set boundaries? If the spouse does not know of the affair...is the intention to force you the affair our of secrecy, to lessen's one guilt, force the hand or even to bring about pain. Before taking certain action(s) (generally speaking), I have learned to ask myself, what is the intention behind these actions. my 2 cents!
siuys Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 I've fantasised about this. At one stage I was so angry I wanted to hurt him. I know if I told his wife, their marriage will probably not survive, and he'll have even more crap to deal with. He would be hurting etc. But I don't want to be vindictive, and don't want to ruin his chances of making his marriage work (although I have my doubts how it can possibly work now with this big secret), and it wouldn't help me in any way. I guess it's kind of my secret weapon. If he ever become mean, disrespects me I will use this weapon. We're at a NC phase now anyway so in time, my anger will dissipate and then it would be to hell with him, whatever.
pureinheart Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 It depends on one's intention.... If the spouse knows of the affair...is the intention to clear the air? set boundaries? If the spouse does not know of the affair...is the intention to force you the affair our of secrecy, to lessen's one guilt, force the hand or even to bring about pain. Before taking certain action(s) (generally speaking), I have learned to ask myself, what is the intention behind these actions. my 2 cents! A very worthy 2 cents...I say revenge should never accompany any action, for whatever reason
pureinheart Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 I've fantasised about this. At one stage I was so angry I wanted to hurt him. I know if I told his wife, their marriage will probably not survive, and he'll have even more crap to deal with. He would be hurting etc. But I don't want to be vindictive, and don't want to ruin his chances of making his marriage work (although I have my doubts how it can possibly work now with this big secret), and it wouldn't help me in any way. I guess it's kind of my secret weapon. If he ever become mean, disrespects me I will use this weapon. We're at a NC phase now anyway so in time, my anger will dissipate and then it would be to hell with him, whatever. While I understand where your coming from, using "power" is never a good thing IMO...reason being it is an emotional decision.
siuys Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Yes, i agree. But unfortunately, most of us on here have been making emotional decisions. It's hard not to sometimes...
Mino Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 (edited) Looking back and reading here for years, I think why most ow/om Dont confront the bs is out of fear. Fear of losing the mm/mw. Think about it, if an A goes on for a longer time period, and deadlines come and go, and he makes promises after promises, it would make logical sense to say, "hey I am going to contact the BS and get the "other half of the story" First off, I think they DO have a right to know why the SO is doing, sure in a perfect world the MM/MW should tell their S, but out of their own fears and cowardness they usually don't. So we wait and wait.... We believe them, when they tell us "soon" ! So not to waste our years away, wouldnt it really make sense to TALK to the BS? My xmm bs knew about me too in the second year, but I will never know what he REALLY told her. How many times did he tell her it was over between us, is the question. At the end they are divorcing... To much hurt and deception on both sides of the fence. If I could turn back the hands of time, I know 100% I should have, no NEEDED to confront her with truth. I would have spared her and myself alot of time and pain. But the fear lies not in doing the wrong thing, but merely fear of maybe losing the "love and affection of the mm/mw. I say take the power back! Take it from the mm/mw. They need to be pull out on the carpet instead of going through years of cake eating. I rather find out truth as quickly as possible then to have wasted years on pain and fear. Of coarse this is what I feel looking back into years, wish I had hindsight and more courage years ago. : \ Edited August 17, 2010 by Mino
Confused4Now Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Looking back and reading here for years, I think why most ow/om Dont confront the bs is out of fear. Fear of losing the mm/mw. Think about it, if an A goes on for a longer time period, and deadlines come and go, and he makes promises after promises, it would make logical sense to say, "hey I am going to contact the BS and get the "other half of the story" First off, I think they DO have a right to know why the SO is doing, sure in a perfect world the MM/MW should tell their S, but out of their own fears and cowardness they usually don't. So we wait and wait.... We believe them, when they tell us "soon" ! So not to waste our years away, wouldnt it really make sense to TALK to the BS? My xmm bs knew about me too in the second year, but I will never know what he REALLY told her. How many times did he tell her it was over between us, is the question. At the end they are divorcing... To much hurt and deception on both sides of the fence. If I could turn back the hands of time, I know 100% I should have, no NEEDED to confront her with truth. I would have spared her and myself alot of time and pain. But the fear lies not in doing the wrong thing, but merely fear of maybe losing the "love and affection of the mm/mw. I say take the power back! Take it from the mm/mw. They need to be pull out on the carpet instead of going through years of cake eating. I rather find out truth as quickly as possible then to have wasted years on pain and fear. Of coarse this is what I feel looking back into years, wish I had hindsight and more courage years ago. : \wow I lived this....almost my exact story but I'm the guy and you are the gal. So proud of you Mino....spoken like someone who went through the pain and got her power back.
Mombot Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Aren't you the same poster on Cheating that wants your girlfriend to have an affair?
In_Repair Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Having been a BS once myself, I would want to be told. The motive driving the messenger doesn't really matter much. Hearing that information from ANY source would at least make me open my eyes a little wider and listen a little closer...
InceptorsRule Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 When, if ever, is it acceptable to reveal an affair? When it is acceptable to have one.
delirious Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 When it is acceptable to have one. Perhaps you could start your own thread. That would be quite interesting too.
Author lilbunny Posted August 17, 2010 Author Posted August 17, 2010 Aren't you the same poster on Cheating that wants your girlfriend to have an affair? If that was for me then I commented on that but it certainly isn't me in that situation, I don't think it counts as an affair if everyone knows about it...but hell that's a whole other discussion.
InceptorsRule Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Perhaps you could start your own thread. That would be quite interesting too. No, actually I think a thread dedicated to my situation would be extremely boring. I feel that my life is playing out a karmic destiny the purpose of which I cannot perceive but which I can only hope will be made known to me before I die. I tell myself that I believe in the exercise of free will on a day to day basis but have a nagging suspicion that my belief may be as much fueled by simple delusion as by any philosophical rigor.
OWoman Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Acceptable to whom? You can't predict whether another will find it acceptable - nor can they, until they find themselves in the situation. So speculation about how the BS might respond, or how the WS might respond, or how any one else might respond - is purely speculation. If your conscience considers telling not to be a violation of your values, and if you feel - having carefully considered every possible consequence and even many you don't consider possible - that you can deal with any / all fall-out it might generate, and if your motivation to tell is stronger than your motivation not to tell - then telling is feasible. Otherwise not.
OWoman Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 When it is acceptable to have one. Whose acceptance matters more, here? If everyone except the BS accepts it, is that OK because the number of acceptances far outweighs the number of rejections, like a democracy; or is any single rejection sufficient - like a veto?
seren Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 I wouldn't have wanted the OW to out the A, but would understand her reasons for doing so. Even if it were for revenge or to end the marriage or to force a D Day. It should be the MP as they are the one's who 'owe' the BS the truth. I often read how the marriage between the MM and the BS is nothing to do with the AP, so think that the telling should also be between them. It can backfire as it forces a decision and in many cases, causes the married couple to circle the wagons around their marriage and the OP can become a common enemy. Bit of a double standard, but that's just how it can be.
OWoman Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 It should be the MP as they are the one's who 'owe' the BS the truth. I often read how the marriage between the MM and the BS is nothing to do with the AP, so think that the telling should also be between them. It can backfire as it forces a decision and in many cases, causes the married couple to circle the wagons around their marriage and the OP can become a common enemy. Bit of a double standard, but that's just how it can be. I agree with this. But it's not always foolproof, either. We had no DDay - we had a TDay, when my H told his xW that he intended leaving, and why. She chose not to believe him. When he left, she still chose not to believe that there could be "someone else". And, as it turned out, others had over the years tried to tip her off, but she had chosen not to believe any of them, either. I can't help but wonder whether if I had told her, she might have believed me - given that she mistrusted the motives of all of those who'd tried to tell her, not knowing me from Adam may have come without a pre-determined idea that I must be trying to manipulate her back into MC? Who knows?
In_Repair Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 I wouldn't have wanted the OW to out the A, but would understand her reasons for doing so. Even if it were for revenge or to end the marriage or to force a D Day. It should be the MP as they are the one's who 'owe' the BS the truth. I often read how the marriage between the MM and the BS is nothing to do with the AP, so think that the telling should also be between them. It can backfire as it forces a decision and in many cases, causes the married couple to circle the wagons around their marriage and the OP can become a common enemy. Bit of a double standard, but that's just how it can be. I don't understand this advice at all, but I see it here often. Why encourage the AP to keep quiet? If the intention is to help the WS string along their AP a little longer, then it's spot on... I think it's strange, and somewhat telling, how people assume that the WS is going to throw the AP under the bus if they rock the boat. I thought they were soul mates?
torranceshipman Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 It is acceptable when...it means the BS gets some respect at last. By that, I mean that when the BS is constantly gaslighted/lied to, they are left in the dark but finally at least when someone respects them enough to tell teh truth, they are in a better more informed position to work out what they want to do.
Ms. Red Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Q: When, if ever, is it acceptable to reveal an affair? A: when your father comes to you and admits to another relationship and that you have a 12 year old sibling. Then he follows that up with, "don't tell your mother."
seren Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 I don't understand this advice at all, but I see it here often. Why encourage the AP to keep quiet? If the intention is to help the WS string along their AP a little longer, then it's spot on... I think it's strange, and somewhat telling, how people assume that the WS is going to throw the AP under the bus if they rock the boat. I thought they were soul mates? It is wrong because when the MP discloses an A it allows for the married people the chance to discuss their relationship, whether broken or fixable. If the OW had disclosed the A then when H was away for 6 months (as he is at times) then the need to see H face to face to have a discussion about our marriage would have had to wait, and that would have caused a huge amount of emotional hurt and pain. H telling, showed that he had had enough of lying, he had manned up and taken responsibility for his actions. If OW had told, then it would have been seen (by me) as a means to rub my face in it, to force a decision and if H was never going to leave, then he would have been outraged that OW had told and hurt me. Lots of double standards, but life is rarely black and white. There is not always an assumption that AP would be thrown under a bus, but as I keep hearing, the marriage is between the H and his W. Is it acceptable for a BS to phone AP and tell them that the A has ended? Would any OW/OM want to hear that they had been (hate the term) thrown under a bus? Or would they hope and expect the MP to tell them face to face so they can have closure?
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