InLoveButLost Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Hi all! I am new here but I am in need of some advice, maybe good, maybe bad, I dont know, but something! I am in a sexless marriage, yes a cliche on these boards I see, but I love my wife. I can honestly say she is my best friend, we just share so much in common. The dynamic really works too because I am a bit of a control freak while she is a passive go-with-the-flow type of girl. Of course this generally leads to me being in charge and making all the decisions all the time but it is something I can deal with even though I would like her to take charge form time to time. We have been married for 5 years and the sex has never been great. She has never experienced an orgasm nor has she ever masterbated before. She has had a few partners in her life and none of them have ever shown interest in pleasing her. Then I come along and show that interest and still cant please her. She has never been much into foreplay but has tried to do it for me, and for the first year of the marriage it was adequate. However a glaring issue has produced itself and seems to be getting worse. After the first year she started having gagging problems when she would go down on me. Almost to the point where she would feel like she would throw up even if only a little bit of my genitals were in her mouth. Then just in the last year she is having this issue when she kisses me..... To make matters worse I have become extremely tired of the tedious nature our sex life seems to be in. Ive tried the romantic approach, ive tried the aggressive approach, ive tried the gentle approach, ive tried and tried and nothing seems to get her excited about sex. The problem with this is that a big part of my enjoyment is seeing her enjoyment, so sex has become non-existant because she has no desire for it and I have lost desire because I cant please her. To make matters worse we had a conversation about me finding an FWB, which for all intents and purposes is trouble waiting to happen. She is jealous of the fact that I thought it was a good idea, im horny and a man and frankly have needs, but still wants me to pursue it because she wants me to be happy. Because of this I had a friend who popped into mind after this discussion. I actually have been shot down by her, which is probably a good thing, but still really enjoy hanging out with her. We got drunk one night together and I kissed her. It was possibly one of the most exciting kisses I have ever experienced. My friend knew she was doing something wrong and didn't want to continue any further than that so we didnt. Unfotunately after all this and that kiss I cannot seem to get the other girl out of my head. At first I wanted to say it was lust but now im begginning to think it is more than that. I have no idea how she feels about me in that regard, I mean she didn't stop me from kissing her, several times, but did stop me from going further and had to make a point to tell me the next day that she had no desire to take it further. She is also a good friend and I confide alot in her about my marriage and life, which is causing me to have even more mixed emotions as I generally don't tell people alot of things I have discussed with her, including best friends I have had in the past. Im just really lost at this point, I feel like a wandering soul in limbo just waiting for a door to anywhere to open. I would love to get my wife interested in sex but no matter how much we talk about it and discuss ways we can spice it up she never, ever, follows through with it even when I do. Since I am talking so liberally with my other friend about it too alot of our conversation has turned to us talking about sex and almost discussing exactly what we like, which is giving me the impression she wants to but wants more from me. While we do not have kids yet my situation is a tough one, I worked for 3 years of our marriage and supported her through school and now I went back to school and she is supporting me. We have no kids at this time but plan to start once I am done school, but again im feeling like I am at a crossroads and just dont know which way life is going to go. I am not even sure which path would make me happy, assuming there are other paths for me to take. I guess I need some advice on what I can do for my wife to get her interested in sex and maybe someone has had the same experience with the gagging problem. Also ways in which to get her interested in masterbating, I firmly feel that if you dont know your own body it will be difficult for a partner to give you the ultimate pleasure that could be possible. But I am also looking for advice on how to find out if my friend is looking for more than what I am able to give at this time. I dont want to feel like im leading her on by telling her my problems with my marriage and she may be waiting for it to be over, but she is not exactly forthcoming with answering questions of that nature, she has a defensive wall around her at all times and I would just like to get through and see what she is really feeling. Well now that you have read my wall of text, sorry about that, I hope someone here can give me some help!
Toodamnpragmatic Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 time to move on. You're open with your spouse, have talked it out and it just is worse and worse to the point of gagging while kissing?!?!? How about therapy. Has she been honest about her past and trauma maybe? Does she want to enjoy sex? She needs significant therapy and counseling. Now if in the end she has no interest in sex, then you have to make the decision as to why you want to spend the rest of your life with a "friend". Be happy there are no children yet....
Author InLoveButLost Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 time to move on. You're open with your spouse, have talked it out and it just is worse and worse to the point of gagging while kissing?!?!? How about therapy. Has she been honest about her past and trauma maybe? Does she want to enjoy sex? She needs significant therapy and counseling. Now if in the end she has no interest in sex, then you have to make the decision as to why you want to spend the rest of your life with a "friend". Be happy there are no children yet.... We have not been in therapy unfortunately, it really comes down the what we can afford right now and it is not in the cards. As important as it is we literally do not have extra money for anything at the moment. She says she wants to enjoy sex, but as I said, she makes plans to try, reads books, etc, but never follows through. The real kicker is that she is so gung ho for children, and I sit there and think, how the hell are we going to conceive if we dont have sex more than once a month?
Author InLoveButLost Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 Sorry I forgot to mention she has been very open about her past and has had no traumatic experiences we can relate to the issues she has.
nddb Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Remember that scene in Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade? Grail Knight: (Speaking in mournful tone) He chose poorly.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 We have not been in therapy unfortunately, it really comes down the what we can afford right now and it is not in the cards. As important as it is we literally do not have extra money for anything at the moment. She says she wants to enjoy sex, but as I said, she makes plans to try, reads books, etc, but never follows through. The real kicker is that she is so gung ho for children, and I sit there and think, how the hell are we going to conceive if we dont have sex more than once a month? you have to want it bad enough. She doesn't..... Read my posts and those from others telling you this will not improve, and certainly not with children...... Should I be crass and tell you to buy her a rabbit or something similar, lock her in a room and tell her to figure it out???? Where there's a will there's a way....
Thorgs Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Maybe she is just thinking about it too much. Mind over matter. How long does the sex usually last? Do you ever go down on her?
Author InLoveButLost Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 Maybe she is just thinking about it too much. Mind over matter. How long does the sex usually last? Do you ever go down on her? She gets bored extremely quickly with anything we try, but thats outside the bedroom as well as in. Sometimes when I know she just wants me to finish its quick, a few minutes maybe. But other times I seriously try to get her wet and go for 30 minutes or so. Then she just gets sore =P I used to go down on her all the time, her clitoris is way over sensitive, to the point that its just like tickling her and she cant take it for more than 10 seconds. I found her g-spot and worked that many times and again she just gets sore after a while.
Thorgs Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 She gets bored extremely quickly with anything we try, but thats outside the bedroom as well as in. Sometimes when I know she just wants me to finish its quick, a few minutes maybe. But other times I seriously try to get her wet and go for 30 minutes or so. Then she just gets sore =P I used to go down on her all the time, her clitoris is way over sensitive, to the point that its just like tickling her and she cant take it for more than 10 seconds. I found her g-spot and worked that many times and again she just gets sore after a while. Yeah, it's hard (no pun intended!) when they are super sensitive. My recent ex was like that. I felt horrible. Maybe your wife just isn't a sexual person. Either way, I feel bad that you have to deal with this.
InceptorsRule Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 It's probably not a good idea to have kids until you straighten the sexual problem out, because if you can't straighten it out, there's a pretty good chance it will ultimately lead to the dissolution of your marriage. Try a qualified sex therapist, it'll cost some money, but it's worth a shot. Also get your wife an assortment of vibrators and female sex toys and let her play with them by herself for a while. Maybe she will learn more about what gets her motor running. Maybe the most troubling part of your whole story is the part where she starts to gag when she kisses you. I actually almost couldn't believe that when I read it.
funnyluv Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Seems like you have tried quite a few things already. Your wife may just not be a sexual person and if that 's the case, there's nothing you can really do that is going to change it. I mean she actually spoke about a FWB? That alone says a lot. It will only get worse and the time between sex will get longer and longer. As others have stated, it may be a good thing that you don't have children. The gagging while kissing you thing is pretty crazy. I can understand gagging during oral sex, but not while kissing someone you love? Hmm...
Thorgs Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 I don't think she gags when she kisses him, just when she goes down on him.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 (edited) will also help..... Your wife has a multitude of issues to work through. Best of luck... I just noticed you are in Toronto.... There is no excuse not to look for a good dr., a sex clinic or free counseling..... Sorry to my American friends, but it is much simpler up here to get assistance..... Edited August 17, 2010 by Toodamnpragmatic
Thorgs Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 will also help..... Your wife has a multitude of issues to work through. Best of luck... I just noticed you are in Toronto.... There is no excuse not to look for a good dr., a sex clinic or free counseling..... Sorry to my American friends, but it is much simpler up here to get assistance..... Agreed. Obamacare has all us American's Obamaf**ked.
someotherguy Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Agreed. Obamacare has all us American's Obamaf**ked. Yes, let's turn this thread into uneducated political fear mongering.
Thorgs Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Yes, let's turn this thread into uneducated political fear mongering. Doesn't really look like you're contributing to this thread other than to state this so let's keep the thread back on topic instead of turning it into a flame war.
goodgrief Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 I don't think she gags when she kisses him, just when she goes down on him. no, I think she does... she started having gagging problems when she would go down on me. Almost to the point where she would feel like she would throw up even if only a little bit of my genitals were in her mouth. Then just in the last year she is having this issue when she kisses me..... OP, Your friend will not want to pursue a sexual relationship now, whether you leave your wife, or not. I suggest you do one of two things: Either visit a reputable and safe, clean hooker - or - Divorce. Do not even think of fathering this woman's children.
someotherguy Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Doesn't really look like you're contributing to this thread other than to state this so let's keep the thread back on topic instead of turning it into a flame war. I think he has a serious problem, you're the one derailing the thread. To the OP, you need to communicate with her, and she really needs some individual counseling. My opinion is that your relationship is probably doomed, as she needs to actually want to be a constructive partner in your union, not just pay lip service to the idea. If she can't shape up, you need to ship out.
Author InLoveButLost Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 Hey all, I did some more talking with my wife and she has agreed to go see her doctor to try to get into therapy. I can only hope this will help things along. I really do feel like when it comes to sex I am the only one trying, for her and me. So I really hope she follows through with this, but if she doesn't it will be a good time to re-think the whole situation. Thanks for everyone's input.
Dazzel Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 The whole gagging while kissing you thing really gives me a bad vibe. Choking while giving head is one thing, as that can happen to anyone. But if she is gagging while kissing, it sounds like she is almost repulsed by you. It would hurt my feelings immensley if my partner was having that kind of reaction. I hope your therapy works. Maybe something will happen. But if it fails, I'd say do what others have told you and fly the coop. Maybe your friend you have interest in will be someone better for you if things with your wife fail.
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