TO MEN ONLY (ok fine, you women can join in) - OKCupid message response rate?

[MrNate]

Hm, I guess this is why I just don't bother with online dating. Just look at the difference between the numbers between men and women. They're awfully huge. Not to mention, I'm sure you're having to compete against dozens of guys who are going after the same women. I don't think this situation happens often (if at all) for a male. While in a male's case, the woman actually messaging him might turn out to be more beneficial.

 

I don't know. It just seems like the power difference is just a bit too unbalanced for me to give it a go. Sometimes I think it's nature's way of saying guys shouldn't date online, because the amount of messages women get online, compared to the amount of guys who actually talk to them in real life are two completely different stories. The main thing being, I assume, is that it's easier to sell yourself in real life than battling with dozens of men for one woman, hoping your hardest something comes through. It just sounds a bit disheartening and depressing to put up with when you consider the grand scheme of things.

Edited August 17, 2010 by MrNate

[someotherguy]

I love the idea of OKCupid, but the selection of women in my area was pathetic, so I ended up on PlentyOfFish, where there were, indeed, plenty of fish in the sea.

 

1. I sent, ballpark, 80 opening messages. Stopped counting at some point.

2. I always talked about something in her profile that she had in common with me that is not totally run of the mill. For example, maybe zombies, or robot apocalypse or something. I did not send generic messages.

3. I had a response rate of over 80%.

4. I would, at most, allow emailing/messaging to continue for two weeks before meeting in person, and usually tried to get that down into the one week range.

5. I got contact info back within two or three messages from most of my contacts. I'm confident, light, and funny, but not creepy. Women like that.

6. I turned about 50% of the strong responses into dates. In the past year, I have gone on about 50 first dates.

7. Yes, I received a dozen or so initial contacts from women.

 

I've written about this before, so I'll summarize.

 

There are two keys to online dating.

 

Numbers and filtering.

 

Just like the real world, you need to take risks and deal with rejection in massive amounts when trying to date online. This is where the numbers comes in. You need to message a lot of potential partners to find one you click with.

 

As for the filtering: be intelligently selective. Don't message every single semi-hot chick within 75 miles. Be honest with yourself about what your needs and desires are. Are you comfortable driving an hour and a half each way to date some woman? Probably not, so filter them out. Are you ok with a woman with brown eyes instead of amazing sparkly blue? I would guess you are, it's not like you can see the color of her eyes in the dark anyway. Does she need a 6 figure job? Maybe if you have one, sure. The idea is to try to filter out all the people that will require massive amounts of concessions and accommodations to make a relationship work, and go for the ones you'd actually end up having an easy, comfortable time with.

 

Most people seem to take a blind shotgun approach and message everyone under the sun, even if they live several hours away, or have incompatible religious views, or massive educational or career situations. Think about what your key criteria are, and stick to them, but be flexible on the rest. You do need to be brutal, though. If it turns out a date lied about something important, cut em loose before you make a big mistake.

 

I met my current girlfriend on PoF. I was the first person to contact her, and she gave me her phone number in the second reply.

 

I filtered for women within 50 miles, with advanced degrees (minimum master's), and making at least $50,000 a year (about a third of my salary). Divorced women with children got preference. (They can understand my views on certain subject better than the uninitiated.) Looks and attraction are incredibly important, but if you're really attracted to someone's personality, your physical attraction can grow, so leave some leeway there. That being said, I can be a shallow prick sometimes, and I greatly preferred meeting women at the upper end of the looks scale (7+). At least I'm honest. More than once, a woman showed up to dinner and it was ridiculous how much she had lied about her physique/weight. Like I wouldn't notice she had gone up 6 dress sizes overnight? Really? I actually left in the middle of a date once because I was so disgusted by one woman's dishonesty. Lying happens to be a deal-breaker for me.

 

Overall, being a successful man in my mid-thirties, online dating was a smorgasbord of lovely, educated ladies looking to not repeat the mistake they made in their 20's.

[MFC]

To the OP: the OKC guy--I forget his name; Chris?--has a blog post on the topic. He analyzed what kinds of messages get responses, down to some specific words to use (or not).

[fwang]

I have been on that site for almost 6 days. Almost 40 people send me messages.

 

I only reply 2 of them due to polite. I do initiate to send messages to 1 guy, and that's because he and I both lived in certain country for years as foreigners.

 

One thing is funny.

 

I used to delete my picture for 3 days and got no message at all. Haha.

[knaveman]

So, to the men:

1. How many messages, approximately have you sent?

2. What do you usually mention in your opening message?

3. How many messages have you got responses back?

4. How soon do you take it off OKC (texting, phone calling, IMing, etc)

5. If #4 applies to you, how often do you get responses back with contact information?

6. Out of those responses, how many turned into dates?

7. Have you received any first messages from women?

 

In the last year I've sent out only two dozen messages or so, I'm a little picky sometimes. I've never got a response back, from any website I am on. I am, however, terrible at writing messages and slowly learning to be better.

[Swimie]

I'm woman, for the record..

 

1) When I first joined I didn't have a photo up and received about 1-2/day. When I put one up, it changed to about 4-5/day.

2)I responded to less than 10% of the guys that messaged. Most lived WAAAY too far or had nothing in common with me at all. I also didn't reply to one-liners: "Hey, like your profile" . . . "Hi, how are you?".

3) The only responses that led to dates where the ones where I initiated the first contact. I talked to maybe about 10 guys first. Met two already. Talked to one more on the phone; we have a pending date. Talked to one more guy on IM. I'd meet him if the opputinuty came up, but certainly nothing offcial yet.

4) Yes, I have sent the first message to about 10 or so men.

5) I usually mention a hobby they listed or a type of music. Sometimes a random humour line or some such.

6) It varies...But I can move from the site after about 5 exchanges of messages on OKcupid.

7) Usually the guy will request to move off the site. I don't recall me ever initiating it. (Not that I wouldn't.)

 

As for POF, saw someone mentioned it... I had worse luck on there.. Seems to be more people? But I just have far less luck for some reason. I can't say I've ever been exceptionally excited to get to know a person from POF as a friend or otherwise. Just don't know why I've had poor luck with that site?...

Edited August 18, 2010 by Swimie

[Raderick]

I gotta say that these stats make me feel really discouraged, since I'm lucky to get one response every 20-25.

[zengirl]

I gotta say that these stats make me feel really discouraged, since I'm lucky to get one response every 20-25.

 

Why do the raw numbers matter that much in making fellows feel discouraged? Isn't the number of quality potential matches most important? At any rate, if you only send out messages to girls you're (potentially) really into and then just let it go, what's the big deal? If they don't write back, you've wasted minimal time. If they do write back, you see what happens.

 

My raw numbers, as a gal, are high, but the matches who are sincerely interested and have things in common with me are few. Of course, I screen some out for attractiveness, but I screen a lot out for this. Sure, those guys are wasting their time, but I'm talking about instances where they could clearly see they are wasting their time, like our profiles would be incompatible to anyone reading them and OKC's handy number even confirms this. I think men should be more picky about who they contact.

 

The few male friends* I've had that used OKC were picky and they did fairly well. They both had several dates, and one of them met his girlfriend there. Isn't all that matters whether or not you find what you're looking for? I don't think anyone should rely on internet dating, but I don't get how it's any more frustrating than any other social rejection. And you have to face loads of rejection to get anywhere.

 

*I don't have many friends, male or female, who are big into online dating. A few of them are getting moreso nowadays, as the stigma continues to wear off. (I've never gotten this.) And as they see real successes in our social group. I have plenty of "life" dating opportunities and I'm online. Partially this is due to moves, but I did it when I lived in the same area for a long time too. I'm too particular about what I want in a partner to be particular about where I find them; that's the way I see it.

Edited August 18, 2010 by zengirl

[Philetus]

In the last year I've sent out only two dozen messages or so, I'm a little picky sometimes. I've never got a response back, from any website I am on. I am, however, terrible at writing messages and slowly learning to be better.

 

Since this is a dating forum....

 

The next time you're sending out an email to a potential date, run by on here first? Get some feedback on it.

 

We can all be your Cyrano de Bergerac.

[Philetus]

I gotta say that these stats make me feel really discouraged, since I'm lucky to get one response every 20-25.

 

That was the kind of responses I was getting of PofF so I moved to another site.

 

Have you tried changing sites?

[WintersNightTraveler]

I gotta say that these stats make me feel really discouraged, since I'm lucky to get one response every 20-25.

 

Don't feel too discouraged. 5% isn't that low.

 

I bet you can get that up with a little work, and as long as you're not spending very much time sending each message that's will get you a fair amount of reponse.

 

I have actually had a much better experience on OKC than either PoF or the paid site I tried (don't remember which). But the notion of switching is fine advice.

 

Don't get too caught that some guys like Philetus get way higher response. He's top of the food chain due to age, finance, pectoral muscles, etc. From what I recall you're more in the middle of the pack in terms of age, how established you are in life, etc (sorry if I misremember). There's nothing wrong with that. And it will get easier as time goes by.

 

Also he's probably being very very targeted in who he contacts (only ~20 messages in ~6 weeks). You can try that too if you want, it will definitely bring you a higher response rate. But it will be a much bigger bummer when women don't write back. I'd stick with the wide net for now if I were you (especially in SoCal, where there are so many people), unless you get sick of the game thing. But in that case, be discouraged at the game thing in general, not yourself.

 

 

 

Why do the raw numbers matter that much in making fellows feel discouraged? Isn't the number of quality potential matches most important?

 

Yes, but the repeated turn down thing is a at least a mild drag, there's really no getting around that...

Edited August 18, 2010 by WintersNightTraveler