aeren944 Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Hey guys, Things have been going alright with me. I'm still smoking pot every day, but not taking Xanax. I feel like, mentally, I'm over her, but my heart's still in it. Thing is, she picked the kids up from my house the other night, and her and I talked civilly for a moment. She left, and I felt weird because I felt like she was a decent person... but after cheating on me with another woman after accepting my engagement, then moving in with the woman afterward... I don't need to be thinking about how decent she is. But I felt ****ty. That night, I still loved her but I ****ing hated her just as much. She said she'd been giving me my space, and I'd said all I'm doing is groping around in the dark like everyone else. I think that's where I lowered my wall a little bit. Anyway, so today, she's texted me, and I've responded and we actually kind of joked. But, still, she ****ing cheated on me and tore my ****ing heart out. I was in hell... no, I'm still in hell... because of this woman. But, still, I feel like I'm going to cave in and start being a friend or whatever the ****... and that pisses me off...
This Hurts Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 I think this is why people always say that anger is very important while trying to move on. If I were you, I'd keep reminding yourself of what she did, and everything she's put you through. That always keeps me from wanting to break NC. You might be craving the friendship now, but I think after a while you'll start realizing that deep down that's not all you want, or you'll start remember everything she's done and it'll start hurting like hell all over again. There's so many people out there who'll be much, much better friends to you. People who'll joke better than her. People who have what she has to offer, and way, way more. People who are actually loyal, honest, dedicated, faithful, reliable, and trustworthy. She lacks ALL of those things. You deserve better than that. Remind yourself that the only reason she's still in your life is for your kids, because you're a good father. You don't need her company, or her conversation, or her friendship. You don't need ANYTHING from her except the ability to be a good mother to your kids. Other than that, she's worthless to you. Keep reminding yourself that... with as much anger as possible
welikeincrowds Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Hey I noticed that you're being a little hard on yourself. I'm very hard on myself about stuff like this too, especially how the "interactions went," but I'm learning that it's not a good thing, and in my case it's sometimes indulgent of my own anxiety or misery. For the record, you didn't lose any form by joking around. Humor in high-pressure situations makes us feel better and is a sign of maturity and good coping. You may not want her to benefit from your sense of humor or otherwise let her off the hook, which is yet another good reason to stay NC (why complicate your life with that ****? You don't need to be bothering with her irrelevant perceptions of you), but there's no foul from dealing with a ****ty situation -- texts from your ex when she knows you're hurting, for example -- with a little humor. Tighten up those trenches and keep the boundaries around your heart. You're doing well, don't let her selfishness get in the way of your healing.
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