d7mra Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 To try and make a long story short, I met my girlfriend in the winter of 2006 and we casually dated for the better part of a year before she called it off because I didn't want to make it more serious. We got back together the following spring but I broke it off with her because it didn't feel right. A few months later, I realized what an idiot I was and what a great girl she was and how I'd let my own issues get in the way. After working really hard for a solid 2 or 3 months, we got back together and have been doing well since. Fast forward to now (almost 2 years together without much trouble) and we're in an LDR because I'm in graduate school in another state. At first things went well, but after about the first month, our communication got pretty poor and we were just going through the routine, "how was your day?" etc. She noticed these changes and called me on it about two weeks ago. At first I tried to play it off, but the more I thought about it, the more I began to feel like maybe we just aren't "right" for each other and these long-distance problems are the writing on the wall. I just got back to school after being home for a week long break and we talked and cried a lot where I basically said I don't know why I feel differently, but it's just not the same. After finally being honest with her, I felt better, and we actually had a really good evening Saturday and morning on Sunday where I felt like we were our old selves. However, I decided that we should take a break for a week or two so that I can come back to the relationship with a fresh start and a solid commitment. I feel pretty lonely but overall okay. I feel like an ass because I know she's really hurting thinking that the relationship she thought was really solid, isn't. I don't know how to decide whether this relationship is doomed long-term or if I'm just not working hard enough. Did the distance cause the problems or did the distance give me the clarity to see we aren't meant to be together. I love her dearly, she's loyal and kind, the only negative thing I can say about her is that she can be emotionally needy and moody. There were also some trust issues in the past related to an ex-boyfriend she talked to behind my back for some time but that is no longer going on. Any advice?
lordWilhelm Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 That early yo-yoing in the relationship isn't very healthy. It seems though like you guys have gotten over it except that... I decided that we should take a break for a week or two so that I can come back to the relationship with a fresh start and a solid commitment What do you mean by taking a "break" for a week? You were out of the relationship for a week and then got back together, or you guys took a break from talking to each other. If it's the latter that's fine, and if you feel there's nothing to say for a while it's perfectly okay to sometimes take some space for yourselves. Now, as for... our communication got pretty poor and we were just going through the routine, "how was your day?" It's hard stuff being apart and you have to do your best to keep in touch with what's going on with your GF and vice-versa. Let me ask you a question: what would you like to talk about, and how would a good conversation go like for you?
pandagirl Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 LDRS are HARD. It's very easy to start to feel disconnected from your parter, and then confusing as to know what is causing it. The thing is: you're going to have your times when you feel distant and times when you feel really close. It's not always going to be perfect. I think the most important thing to think about is when you are with her, are you happy? Does she bring something to your life that makes it better? The truth is, no one ever NEEDS someone. We are all capable of being "alone." But we make the choice to make it work.
Author d7mra Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 That early yo-yoing in the relationship isn't very healthy. It seems though like you guys have gotten over it except that... What do you mean by taking a "break" for a week? You were out of the relationship for a week and then got back together, or you guys took a break from talking to each other. If it's the latter that's fine, and if you feel there's nothing to say for a while it's perfectly okay to sometimes take some space for yourselves. Now, as for... It's hard stuff being apart and you have to do your best to keep in touch with what's going on with your GF and vice-versa. Let me ask you a question: what would you like to talk about, and how would a good conversation go like for you? We're still together, just not talking until I get my act together. As far as what I would like to talk about, I'm not really sure. I have a good social circle at school to vent about school stuff, and it helps because they're going through the same crap. This has actually been a point of tension for us, but she says she understands and wants me to have that social outlet here. This is part of the reason I say I'm afraid this is the writing on the wall, as it just doesn't feel like we're connected if we're not physically together, like on a long-term mental level, we're just not engaging or something. It's a weird feeling. Part of me just wants the freedom to do my own thing here, although I know I'd miss her terribly and I know she'd be devastated.
lordWilhelm Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 (edited) Maybe you're putting too much pressure on yourself. What exactly do you mean by "getting your act together"? So you feel like there's not much that you can talk to your GF when you're apart. That could be a problem, especially if you say that the most important thing was the physicality of the relationship before. What would you guys be talking about before when you used to be together in person? For myself I can say that not being with my GF is very hard in the beginning, but it actually is good in some ways. We have to figure out different ways to communicate than we would have in person and things to talk about that come from our daily experiences while we're apart; yeah, it's really annoying to be missing the physical part, which is an important part of understanding each other when we talk -- so it's very important to be more explicit about how we feel about different things because it's harder to get feedback without the visual part. Are you in grad-school just doing classes or will you be doing research as well? In my program, the first year of classes was pretty stressful and talking to my cohort was the most helpful because we were all going through the same thing, but I found once we started doing research I was much more on my own and it's really helpful to talk to my GF about it -- she's not in my field but she tries to understand what I'm doing and I try to explain to her and vice-versa. I guess it helps that we're both in grad-school even though our fields are very different. But if you feel very strongly that... Part of me just wants the freedom to do my own thing here, although I know I'd miss her terribly and I know she'd be devastated. ... then perhaps you have outgrown the relationship and it's time to move on. What additional freedom would you have if you were on your own that you don't have right now? Only you can tell whether it's just a temporary thing (remember, you've only been apart for a month) or if you guys are growing apart for good. Edited August 17, 2010 by lordWilhelm
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