18Summer Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Hi, This is my first time posting but I need advice and support. I have always thought I had a great marriage but in September 2009, my husband told me he wasn't in love with me anymore and then said he thought he did the next month but wavered. We had lots of disagreements about parenting, money and life, in general but got worse over the last year or two and we never considered our relationship a priority, just our kids. When I disrespected my husband's decisions on parenting, he left to party with friends and spending lots of time on facebook talking to people, especially women, thus disrespecting me. I realize now that we had lots of problems. Anyway, we decided to separate in January 2010 and he moved out to a friend's place. He visited the kids each day and we decided in February to continue our sexual relationship as that was always great. I know it was a stupid decision. However, we agreed that if we had an interest in someone else we would stop but we were trying to work things out. Starting in January, he began talking on facebook and texting another woman and started a friends with benefits relationship in February with her. He kept this information from me. He moved into the basement of our house at the end of May to help financially more and be with our children more. However, I asked several times about the texting and facebook time but he said it was nothing. I was extremely suspicious because we were practically back to married status when he moved back in except for saying we were separated. He was sleeping in our bed almost every night and we were going places together with the kids. Anyway, he told me at the end of July that he had slept with this person several times and he told me to work things out. It broke my heart, yes I know we were separated but he gave me hope we could work things out and I never considered someone else. I kicked him out and said I was done, however, days after he came back and cried and begged for me to take him back. He said he finally seen what he had been missing and he apologized and promised to do anything to make it up to me. He said part of the reason he slept with her was curiosity (he was a virgin when we met). I ended up taking him back and we have been back together for 2 weeks, he put my wedding ring back on and his and promised to spend his life making it up to me. This has been what I wanted all along but it's bittersweet because now I question everything about myself especially how he feels about my body in bed and how I can be the one he loves now. He said he did not love this other woman and I spoke to her and she said it was a friends with benefits deal only with her. She said he never requested a relationship from her, they only got together when they were hanging out with friends and horny. I guess I just need some advice or information on how I can move on with this man. I love him but I don't trust him and I find it hard to believe he loves me now when he didn't a month ago. I have been having nightmares and panic attacks thinking about him with someone else. He changed his phone number and deleted facebook to show me he changed and he really is being a great guy. Plus, we have being doing things together that we haven't done it years, I guess we finally realize that we didn't value our relationship. Help me please!
Thorgs Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 I'm sorry you have to go through this. It sounds like he is trying. I've heard that if a couple can make it through something like this, then their love/bond will be stronger. If I was in your situation I would definitely go see a marriage counselor. Take one day at a time for now. I'm glad that you are getting a second chance though. Most people do not.
Don Ho Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Well you did lots of things wrong with the separation and so on, but that's done. IMO, he got bored with you because you were not being a challenge. He lost interest. You are going to have to learn to be more of a challenge, more interesting and not so available, just as if you were still dating. I think people assume because they're married, they don't have to look good, don't have to be sexy, don't have to be a challenge, don't have to make the relationship interesting. IMO, you continue the "dating ritual" throughout your marriage. You can call it a game or think it shouldn't have to be that way in a marriage, but IMO it has to be that way if you want it to last. Aside from that, I think you need counseling ALONE to try to deal with your anxiety and trust issues (which are totally understandable). IF you are going to try to reconcile and keep your marriage, you have to make a very hard decision. IF you decide you can honestly forgive him, then you have forgive, move forward and NEVER bring it up again. That means NO bitching about what he did with another woman, NO snide comments, NO bringing it up in arguments, NO "jabbing" him with it. IF think that you cannot honestly get over what happened with him and another woman, you have to split up and move on with your life or the two of you will be very miserable and end up divorced. I think it's very black and white in situations like yours. TOTALLY forgive and move forward OR if you can't forgive, BE DONE and move on. Get it?? Go do some very hard thinking and be honest with yourself about if you can forgive or not. Keep us posted.
Author 18Summer Posted September 2, 2010 Author Posted September 2, 2010 Thanks for the advice. I gave it alot of thought and told me husband I forgive him. I really do. I feel better since I have and have no need to discuss the A anymore. We do discuss how we can continue to communicate and make our future better, though. However, I find he can be really quiet sometimes, which concerns me. I asked him about it and said that if he is not sure about this to tell me now. He said that he knows how much ha has hurt me and he really hates himself for it. He doesn't feel comfortable with me showing him love when he feels this way. He said he is trying but it's really hard. I know this is going to take time but can anyone share some insight. Is it possible that I am in denial or can I really be moving forward? My husband doesn't believe I could forgive him so quickly but I told him I did it not only for him but for me.
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