FZ6R Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Hello I find myself in a state of confusion, fear and self doubt. I have been married for 19 years. We have a nice home and a good living. We have had our challenges but have made it work. I am 45 and she's 39. We have 2 children. The perfect picture right? About 19 mos ago my wife tells me she is not happy. She says she loves me but something is missing. This scares the hell out of me. So as most men do I try to fix things by making more family time, camping, family vacations helping more around the house and trying to romance my wife as much as I can. This continues and we make some memories for the whole family as well as her and I. Early spring this year I start to have this 'voice' go off in my head that something is still off. I try to ignore it and trust her. I happen to surprise her after work one day and notice her walk over to another vehicle. I confront the situation and she tells me she is still not happy. She tells me that she is thinking of getting a place so she can work things out. The last few months I have been in hell. I have been trying to work things out and after many tearful conversations she has confided in my that she has feeling for this other man but has refused to act on them and cross any 'moral boundaries'. As I love, respect and still desire my wife after 20+ years of knowing her, I have to believe her. She says she has no passion or romance for me or any other man in her current state of mind. I miss my wife. I have suggested marriage counseling but she has her doubts. I have continued to make myself a better person and try not to beat myself up. I work out and stay active to stay in shape and have young activities like motocross (which I do with my kids) and play hockey etc. I consider myself fairly successful and attractive. What else can I do? Has anyone else been down this path and pulled it out of the fire?
Toodamnpragmatic Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 here we go again.... See Woggle's locked post a few below and prepare for a bumpy ride. Take the bull by the horns, demand counseling and that she come clean to you. And yet again a male with this problem, doing all the heavy lifting and his wife doing nothing but spouting wishy/washy throw away cliches..... And you wonder why a number of us males get so frustrated on LS....
funnyluv Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Did she elaborate on what was missing that was making her unhappy?
Author FZ6R Posted August 17, 2010 Author Posted August 17, 2010 She is not happy with they way her life has turned out. She always thought, coming from a small rural town, that she would be closer to her childhood friends and have sunday suppers with her family. We live a good 5 hour drive away from her closest family member. I have always supported her efforts to go back home but always seen her frustrated with how disfunctional her familly (we all have those) can be and is glad to get back home. She does have some health issues diabetic and thyroid that can keep her from feeling herself but I have tried to understand when her challenges get in the way of our relationship. When we do connect it is well worth the wait. trust me, I have spent many a night frustrated on the couch. I understand by reading some of other peoples posts that alot of my situation seem consistent to infidelity. I have to stick to the course and keep trying to work it out. I just want to make sure I'm on the right track.
What_Next Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 FZ6R, first welcome to LS. However, I am sure you never wanted to be here in the first place. If you have the patience read my story http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t233265/ Sound familiar? I know my situation doesn't mirror yours but just read here on LS and you will see what you are going through is way more common that you would have ever dreamed. Just google walk away wife for some reading that just might make the hair on your neck stand on end. I can only say this, if you are going to reconcile and save your marriage, be ready for what will likely be the hardest time of your life. Good luck.
lkjh Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 sounds like her and the OM are more than friends. Sorry but all of her lines scream affair(EA at the least)
WalkInThePark Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 She married when she was 20. That is way too young. On top of that, you were 26 when you got married. 20 and 26 is a big age difference at that time. She probably married in order to escape from her family. She never had the chance to really discover who she is, all she has known is first her family and then you. I think that you have to let her go. Give her the space to discover who she really is and let her from that point decide if she wants to be with you, alone or with someone else. You can't help her no matter how hard you try to do the right thing. As a matter of fact, that only makes her resentful as she struggles with the guilt of no longer doing the right thing. What she should do does no longer correspond with what she wants to do. Coercing her into doing the right thing will have the opposite effect. I once read that there are 2 important questions that every man should ask himself: 1) Where does he want to go and 2) who does he want to go there with, and that if he did not answer these questions in the correct order, he would get in trouble. I think the same is valid for women. I think no one should marry before they are 30 years old, before you simply don't know who you are.
Woggle Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 No matter what you do it will never be enough for her. She has it in her heart that you are the cause of all her problems and that is that. Show her that you can live a perfectly happy life without her and that is the only hope you will have of saving this marriage.
Distant78 Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 That still doesn't give her the right to treat him like shiitt. If she really wanted out, she should've left him five or ten years ago. I can't stand it when women build up so much resentment over petty things, then plan to leave their husbands in the next five years or so. Just because she got married at 20 doesn't excuse her behavior. Oh yea, she's giving herself space alright, and another man is right there in her space. OP, just because your wife says she has problems regarding her thyroid or anything else won't stop her from cheating. Most cheaters say they have health problems to avoid sex with their spouse to cheat. Just another form of damage control/excuses. OP, what you need to do is show her that you can survive without her.
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