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Just a question, about respect


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Posted

Just wondering, Do you all think people respect me even less of a person that i've stayed with this unfaithful man? a lot of people know about us, so I was just wondering, I always have showed my face around these people with pride, but I just wonder if they pitty or disrespect me more than I think, I know I should'nt care what people think, but im curious.

Posted

If these people have been confided in regarding an affair (i.e. have listened to you rant about what a bastard he is, or cried about how hurt you are...) then they are already set up to have negative feelings about him. By staying with him, you are giving them the message that you've accepted the pain he caused and the jerk that he is, have decided to put it in the past and move on. Some people will be able to accept that and tell themselves "well, she has forgiven him, so will I as long as she is happy." Others will think you are an idiot and will not be able to be around him, or even you anymore. People see things through their own eyes and their own sense of morals. If you stay with someone who was unfaithful and other people know all about it, you will have to accept that at least some will not be on board with the relationship continuing.

Posted
Just wondering, Do you all think people respect me even less of a person that i've stayed with this unfaithful man? a lot of people know about us, so I was just wondering, I always have showed my face around these people with pride, but I just wonder if they pitty or disrespect me more than I think, I know I should'nt care what people think, but im curious.

 

Well, if they pity you it is because they fear it happening to them.

 

So they tell themselves 'I would kick him/her to the curb if that ever happened to me.'

 

How can they be so sure it HASN'T happened in their marriage?

 

Look, the people who really love and care for the two of you are happy you are piecing it together.

 

As for the rest?

 

Why care what they think? Especially if they are projecting their own fears onto your situation.

 

You know how many swear they'd divorce?

 

Almost all. Until they are face to face with the situation.

 

The reality? About 90% attempt reconciliation.

Posted

Hi!!

I think people (almost all of us) criticize and give their own points of view an something like "I believe she should have done this" or "If I was her..."

but just after that they continue with thier own lives and really do not care that much.

 

I have always believe that every person, every story is different.

Maybe they criticize so what? the importan thing is how do you feel by staying? If you think what you did was the proper thing to do its fine, if as time goes by you realized staying was the best option great! but if you prefere to leave or make him live it is also fine.

 

YOU and the way YOU feel is the important matter here.

And YOU and ONLY YOU can take care of yourself because your partner has not done it, so, concentrate on what you feel and need

 

((hugs))

Posted
Just wondering, Do you all think people respect me even less of a person that i've stayed with this unfaithful man? a lot of people know about us, so I was just wondering, I always have showed my face around these people with pride, but I just wonder if they pitty or disrespect me more than I think, I know I should'nt care what people think, but im curious.

 

Hi Pollyanna,

 

Soon after D Day and when we had decided to reconcile, I found myself being ashamed that I had a marriage that wasn't all it seemed. I was one of the 'it will never happen to us' people. Everyone who saw us always said how right we were, how they wanted a marriage like ours, that it was so beautiful to see a couple so in love after so long ..... when the A became public, and that was all down to me, in the first few days I just spoke about it to just about everyone, why? don't really know, but it just hurt so bad. People who know me for being oh so very assertive thought I would show him the door. What they misunderstood was that I am not a quitter, if we had nothing, then sure, would have left, but to stay was oh so hard, not for lack of love, but for lack of respect for myself.

 

I never once doubted that me and H could make it work, that we loved each other, but for the outside, world who think people have affairs because there is no love in the marriage, it was difficult for me to hold my head up ... for a wee while anyway. Then we circled the wagons around our marriage and no one else mattered. Just us.

 

I respected my H's honesty, I understood the reasons why the A happened, and I gradually learned to understand that we were both exactly where we wanted to be, together. From then on, I frankly couldn't give a stuff about other people's views, I defended my H, would not allow bitching about OW and got on with things.

 

There will always be people who say, they would never forgive and that they would leave, BUT, until they have to consider the alternatives - in my instance a life without my H and he without me, then no one really knows how they will deal with an A. My absolute, is that I couldn't forgive again, that I know in my heart, as we have repaired what had gone wrong before the A.

 

Anyone who has weathered an A knows that it is just about one of the worse things that can happen, the decision to stay is hard, the decision to leave sometimes harder still. BUT, they are our decisions to make and what other people think is just not so important really. First step is learning to respect our choices, to respect ourselves and, frankly, to hell with the rest.

Posted

If people judge, they didn't really care about your feelings. If someone loves you they will accept your decisions, and hold your hand when you ask them to ;)

 

Someone very close me took back a cheater ... personally i hate him, but as long as she smiles ... i'll smile with her :)

Posted
Just wondering, Do you all think people respect me even less of a person that i've stayed with this unfaithful man? a lot of people know about us, so I was just wondering, I always have showed my face around these people with pride, but I just wonder if they pitty or disrespect me more than I think, I know I should'nt care what people think, but im curious.

 

It really doesn't matter.

Think about what you would think about another person staying with someone who has been unfaithful. What do you think of them?

 

You don't know, because you don't know all the facts, right? Well, not everybody knows all the facts about you. Sure, you can come onto a forum and tell everyone "all" about everything that has happened. But other posters still know nothing about you. They don't know all the thoughts in your head, 24/7, or the head of the unfaithful partner. They don't know the things you do together, the things you say to each other in the normal course of the day. they don't know, or see or experience the nitty-gritty dynamics of how you two inter-act.

so what seems idiotic to others, about you staying with somebody, is really an opinion based on only a partial picture.

 

So respect from others, or the lack of it, is not the issue here, and as you say, you shouldn't care what others think. What does matter however, is how much you respect yourself.

That's the question you should be asking yourself.

If I stay with a man who has done this to me, do I still have, or have I lost, my self-respect?

  • Author
Posted
Hi Pollyanna,

 

Soon after D Day and when we had decided to reconcile, I found myself being ashamed that I had a marriage that wasn't all it seemed. I was one of the 'it will never happen to us' people. Everyone who saw us always said how right we were, how they wanted a marriage like ours, that it was so beautiful to see a couple so in love after so long ..... when the A became public, and that was all down to me, in the first few days I just spoke about it to just about everyone, why? don't really know, but it just hurt so bad. People who know me for being oh so very assertive thought I would show him the door. What they misunderstood was that I am not a quitter, if we had nothing, then sure, would have left, but to stay was oh so hard, not for lack of love, but for lack of respect for myself.

 

I never once doubted that me and H could make it work, that we loved each other, but for the outside, world who think people have affairs because there is no love in the marriage, it was difficult for me to hold my head up ... for a wee while anyway. Then we circled the wagons around our marriage and no one else mattered. Just us.

 

I respected my H's honesty, I understood the reasons why the A happened, and I gradually learned to understand that we were both exactly where we wanted to be, together. From then on, I frankly couldn't give a stuff about other people's views, I defended my H, would not allow bitching about OW and got on with things.

 

There will always be people who say, they would never forgive and that they would leave, BUT, until they have to consider the alternatives - in my instance a life without my H and he without me, then no one really knows how they will deal with an A. My absolute, is that I couldn't forgive again, that I know in my heart, as we have repaired what had gone wrong before the A.

 

Anyone who has weathered an A knows that it is just about one of the worse things that can happen, the decision to stay is hard, the decision to leave sometimes harder still. BUT, they are our decisions to make and what other people think is just not so important really. First step is learning to respect our choices, to respect ourselves and, frankly, to hell with the rest.

 

you guys sound just like us..everyone has or had us on a pedistal the problem is my husband is a serial cheater, one affair may have been fixable but many..well i'm still trying!

Posted
you guys sound just like us..everyone has or had us on a pedistal the problem is my husband is a serial cheater, one affair may have been fixable but many..well i'm still trying!

 

I understand your concern. People will look at a serial cheater as being a worse person than a one time affair. But that is not necessarily my opinion.

 

I think a serial cheater is a very broken person with many, many psychological issues. Not worse morally, although many will judge him as such, but certainly worse off internally.

 

Is he remorseful? Is he working on himself and his issues through counseling? I'm sorry I have not read all your posts.

 

It is also very normal to feel a certain amount of humiliation as a BS, as people try to determine as if your actions drove him to have affairs.

 

That's preposterous! His self-destructive re-occuring actions have nothing to do with you.

 

But only you can decide if you want to bear the embarassment of it all.

Posted
If people judge, they didn't really care about your feelings. If someone loves you they will accept your decisions, and hold your hand when you ask them to ;)

 

Someone very close me took back a cheater ... personally i hate him, but as long as she smiles ... i'll smile with her :)

 

C & J, just curious....why do you hate him if your friend is happy now?

 

This is also the reaction of one of my closest friends, and needless to say, we are no longer that close. I feel her hostility towards him and it confuses me. It also distances me from her and her friendship, unfortunately.

 

It's my H, and if he has changed and worked incredibly hard to win back my trust, why would she hate him?

 

Why do you hate the cheater?

Posted
If people judge, they didn't really care about your feelings. If someone loves you they will accept your decisions, and hold your hand when you ask them to ;)

 

Someone very close me took back a cheater ... personally i hate him, but as long as she smiles ... i'll smile with her :)

 

I actually had to look at your other post to make sure you weren't someone I know!

 

I have this situation IRL. My H cheated and someone close to me took it very hard. She tries to be "good" around him and smile, just like you mention:), but I know.

 

What my H did and how we handled it is between him and me. She has said she will never forgive him.

 

If you don't mind, can you please explain why you hate him? I'm truly curious.

Posted (edited)

Whoa! Pandora's box C&J! I felt like you were my friend "lil's" too. :eek:

 

I have a friend that also feels like this. I also feel like this towards my BFF's xH. I don't hate HIM, I hate what HE DID. Just like I don't hate my xH, I still and will always love him but I hate what he did to our M and Family.

 

Well, I don't mean to tj but Spark could not have said it better.

 

May I add, that people will always talk. If you stick through it, you are a punk and naive. If you don'tm you are a punk and naive. Catch 22 but in life, you can't please everyone. There will always be those who no matter what will stand by you. Whether you decide to stick with your WH or if you decide to walk. They will be there to watch you smile and they will be there to hear you cry.

 

When my xH was exposed, I felt like along with the marriage I lost most of my friends. Many of them got involved but to judge not to support. They are no longer sitting in the balcony of my life. THEY DON'T BELONG THERE!

Odds are that those who were the ones judging on why I gave him chance after chance, were the same ones that their BF's or H's were also running around with my xH cheating. Thing was they kept quiet.

 

Years later I heard that these same people said that I was " loser because I gave in and gave up". Ha! How lame is that!

 

There is a spanish saying "Only the knife knows the heart of the pumpkin". Meaning that only we know our pain and only we know what we go through. Who's to judge us...

 

If you are able to forgive your H, in my eyes that is more respectable than hating him and wasting the rest of your life stuck on bitter. That's just me... but I've been there. ;) (I had to apply some of that to myself first, before I was able to hadn it to you. LOL!)

 

May I add- just like Seren. I was ashamed as if I was the one that failed. I couldn't even face my family. It took years and therapy to put my chin up.

Edited by Mimolicious
Posted
Just wondering, Do you all think people respect me even less of a person that i've stayed with this unfaithful man? a lot of people know about us, so I was just wondering, I always have showed my face around these people with pride, but I just wonder if they pitty or disrespect me more than I think, I know I should'nt care what people think, but im curious.

 

If you feel your H is worthy of a chance to make things right again, if he is willing to do EVERYTHING required to prove himself to you, to gain your faith and trust in him, and you're happy, then it shouldn't matter what people think. What counts is how you feel about it.

 

Honestly, I think it takes a special person to take back their spouse. They have to be the stronger one, the person who takes more crap, they have to have patience, faith and the willingness to want to make it work no matter what.

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