Distant78 Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 To clarify a few things: 1) I did know she had a past of alcohol and drugs but she swore she changed and honestly she hasn't done drugs since she has been with me. She did drink a lot but like I said got help and has been sober for about a year 2) she did have a history of molestation as a kid that she never really dealt with emotionally. She only told me some but there are some deep rooted issues there that she says caused her to act the way she did cause it's all she knew Now I am not one to really fall for psycho babble from a counselor but having talked to one and my wife the last couple days I see where some of this plays together. She has also had a bad history with boyfriends cheating on her and says her acting out was cause she didn't feel good enough for me cause of her past. I forgave her past and told her that early on. She said after cheating on me it finally opened her eyes and she realized she was good enough it just took sleeping with someone not good enough to realize that. I agreed to go to counseling and see what comes of it cause I really believe she is sorry and she is going to get help for her past. Ok, I understand that you want it to work, but PLEASE don't let her off the hook so easily because it sounds like she's still justifying her affair with her past. Just keep your eyes open and don't try to move on so fast.
Author Cozzy Posted August 17, 2010 Author Posted August 17, 2010 Ok, I understand that you want it to work, but PLEASE don't let her off the hook so easily because it sounds like she's still justifying her affair with her past. Just keep your eyes open and don't try to move on so fast. Yeah I know...and I'm not saying that her past is an excuse for her cheating cause it's inexcusable no matter how you put it...it just helps me understand some where she is coming from...the biggest thing I said was don't let your past influence the way you treat me, just do what is right and work on putting yourself in my shoes and think how your actions will affect me
someotherguy Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 1. Get a lawyer. 2. Don't sign the birth certificate until you get a positive result from a DNA test. Good luck, sorry this happened to you.
lkjh Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Man come on, if you are gonna stay with her learn to man up. You let her walk all over you and get drunk and party and now this happens and you are making excuses for her Do you really believe she needed to sleep with another man to realize she is "good enough" for you?
lkjh Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Im not saying you need to dump her right now, just learn to be a little more firm
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 BS! She knew what she was doing was wrong! dont believe her disingenuous assertions!!!! She knew what she was doing! cheating was a choice! She knew after she banged another dude and her eyes was opened!? Who says crap like that?! Do you believe that!? WTF! I think a DNA test is preferred upon baby's birth dont sign nothing until you get 100% proof!!
RobD70 Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Man come on, if you are gonna stay with her learn to man up. You let her walk all over you and get drunk and party and now this happens and you are making excuses for her Do you really believe she needed to sleep with another man to realize she is "good enough" for you? I concur with this. Many people cheat and don't have any of this emotional baggage so I don't see any correlation. What she did was selfish and disrespectful, period. She did it because she didn't care about you at the time.
Author Cozzy Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 Man come on, if you are gonna stay with her learn to man up. You let her walk all over you and get drunk and party and now this happens and you are making excuses for her Do you really believe she needed to sleep with another man to realize she is "good enough" for you? I know, man...I'll agree I was a bit of a pushover but I fell hard for this girl and everything was so perfect while we dated...I gave her my entire heart and so early on in the marriage when she was still going out and drinking while back home, as much as it hurt me that she did that, I didn't want to lose her and I believed I could help change her or that she would care enough to change for me...and as I said, she has made improvements as of late...this "cleansing" of hers by telling me this just cuts deep and it's hard
Disintegration Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 this "cleansing" of hers by telling me this just cuts deep and it's hard Now the weight of guilt/burden is off of her shoulders and onto yours. I think it is incredibly selfish of her to have waited a year and a half and now with child to tell you. She should have been honest about everything then, while you still had a fighting chance. The longer a person waits to confess the worst off it is. There is always more harm done with waiting to divulge the truth.
seibert253 Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 OK Cozzy, here comes some hard questions. Really think about these before you answer: 1. How do you know the child she's carrying is yours? Because she says so. In reality you don't. 2. What has she done to fix herself and your marriage? It takes much more than a couple counseling sessions. 3. What has she done to show remorse? 4. What has she done to help YOU? 5 What is the true reason why after all this time, she finally decided to disclose this to you? Now, don't be surprised if there's more to her story than she's telling you. WS's have a tendency to downplay their A's for a variety of reasons. You provide her with security and stability. Now, is she deciding to disclose this because she's truly sorry about what happened, or she's afraid of losing this security and stability. She's now pregnant. She's gonna need a home and provision for her child. If she's bring this out because she want to heal your M and move forward, then that's good. But, if it's out of need of stability, you will be revisiting this issued down the road. When she gets comfortable, she will step out of the M again. TRUST ME. Before you make any decisions, you need to visit and consider all that I've presented to you, and you need the complete truth. If she's not being 100% truthful and honest with you about everything, then you know what you have to do.
Author Cozzy Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 Now the weight of guilt/burden is off of her shoulders and onto yours. I think it is incredibly selfish of her to have waited a year and a half and now with child to tell you. She should have been honest about everything then, while you still had a fighting chance. The longer a person waits to confess the worst off it is. There is always more harm done with waiting to divulge the truth. I understand that and I actually think if she had told me earlier it would have been easier to leave her. I do agree though waiting to tell the truth definitely makes everything worse.
jnj express Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 1st if I may ask---how old are you, and your wife She is in a period of non-drinking, and acting goody 2-shoes--cuz she is pregnant---and doesn't want anything to harm her child---at least she gets that. Remember the old adage---a leopard never changes its spots Do not be surprised once she has the child, and things get rocky at some point she will revert---and come up with some lame BS excuse about how she has some revalation, to make her take the right path. You are looking at this woman with blind eyes----she drinks, she smokes, but she can stop immediately when she NEEDS to for the child's sake----she goes out on you, she knowingly spread her legs for another---even driving him to his hotel so she could screw him---and make no mistake what she did was not a MISTAKE it was a knowing choice She doesn't get to play the drunk card on the sex---drunks know what they are doing If you do stay you need to have her fix her problems--cuz she will cheat on you again---also if you do stay have her sign a POST--NUP.
Author Cozzy Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 OK Cozzy, here comes some hard questions. Really think about these before you answer: 1. How do you know the child she's carrying is yours? Because she says so. In reality you don't. 2. What has she done to fix herself and your marriage? It takes much more than a couple counseling sessions. 3. What has she done to show remorse? 4. What has she done to help YOU? 5 What is the true reason why after all this time, she finally decided to disclose this to you? Now, don't be surprised if there's more to her story than she's telling you. WS's have a tendency to downplay their A's for a variety of reasons. You provide her with security and stability. Now, is she deciding to disclose this because she's truly sorry about what happened, or she's afraid of losing this security and stability. She's now pregnant. She's gonna need a home and provision for her child. If she's bring this out because she want to heal your M and move forward, then that's good. But, if it's out of need of stability, you will be revisiting this issued down the road. When she gets comfortable, she will step out of the M again. TRUST ME. Before you make any decisions, you need to visit and consider all that I've presented to you, and you need the complete truth. If she's not being 100% truthful and honest with you about everything, then you know what you have to do. 1) I believe the child is mine because as I said she has changed over the past year. I have kept tabs on phone records and have passwords to her e-mail and facebook w/o her knowledge and have found nothing to suggest a repeat of what happened 1 time. 2) She has been sober for the last year after attending the AA class and we have not had serious arguments because she has changed this. I think we may have bickered some but nothing sticks out that was real serious. 3) I think she is showing remorse now by crying and begging me to stay. I haven't seen her cry like this in a long time. Before she never cried when hurting me because she just didn't care. 4) I think what she has done to help us was go out and find a counselor. I told her I would not go seek one, that she would have to do the minor leg work and get us there. She went and found and counselor and we will see how a few sessions go. 5) The only reason I can think of her disclosing this now is because I would occasionally ask her about it off and on and she would continue to lie. Deep in my heart I wanted to believe her, but I knew somehting else happened that night and a day before she told me I told her just to tell me everything and I would forgive her (which I was not planning on doing, I was just baiting her and it worked) She thought I would truely forgive her and she said it was just a sign to come clean of this pain that had been eating at her for the last 1 1/2 years. It's funny you mention that about security and stability cause a few minutes ago I actually mentioned that scenario to her. She swears it's not the reason. Now, I am still skeptical, but we will see how the coming weeks progress. This incident has actually opened up a new level of communication for us in our marriage, which I feel is a good thing, even if it did have to come about this way. Talking to her about the incident really helps me cope and at the same time we have talked about some of her deeper issues stemming from when she was a child up until she was about 17 (it was for many years that bad things happened to her) and it has made her realize the stuff that happened in her past really messed her up, she just never wanted to acknowledge that it did. We are going to continue to talk and see the counselor and just see how things progress and I have to decide if I will really be happy staying with her.
Author Cozzy Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 1st if I may ask---how old are you, and your wife She is in a period of non-drinking, and acting goody 2-shoes--cuz she is pregnant---and doesn't want anything to harm her child---at least she gets that. Remember the old adage---a leopard never changes its spots Do not be surprised once she has the child, and things get rocky at some point she will revert---and come up with some lame BS excuse about how she has some revalation, to make her take the right path. You are looking at this woman with blind eyes----she drinks, she smokes, but she can stop immediately when she NEEDS to for the child's sake----she goes out on you, she knowingly spread her legs for another---even driving him to his hotel so she could screw him---and make no mistake what she did was not a MISTAKE it was a knowing choice She doesn't get to play the drunk card on the sex---drunks know what they are doing If you do stay you need to have her fix her problems--cuz she will cheat on you again---also if you do stay have her sign a POST--NUP. I am 25 and my wife is 24. I acknowledge she knew what she was doing. I have talked to her about it and she realizes she had the chance to say no but didn't. The question I have is why she did it and she can't answer that for me. She doesn't know. She thinks it has to do with her past, which I can understand to a point b/c her past did contain some of this behavior coupled with significant issues of low self esteem and self worthlessness feelings. She described the guy and says she was not attracted to him, she slept with him to feel wanted and worth something, as she had done with other guys before I met her.
jnj express Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 The why is in there--and it needs to come out--before this mge., can even try for R.---- She may not be able to tell you why---but she can certainly tell you what she was thinking every step of the way that night---what was she thinking about as she drove him to the hotel---she knew what she was letting herself in fo----what was she thinking as she went into his room---she knew she was married, and at this point she was driving a dagger into the mge.---what was she thinking as she had her tryst----find out what was she thinking---it will help get you some answers
Darth Vader Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 I am 25 and my wife is 24. I acknowledge she knew what she was doing. I have talked to her about it and she realizes she had the chance to say no but didn't. The question I have is why she did it and she can't answer that for me. She doesn't know. She thinks it has to do with her past, which I can understand to a point b/c her past did contain some of this behavior coupled with significant issues of low self esteem and self worthlessness feelings. She described the guy and says she was not attracted to him, she slept with him to feel wanted and worth something, as she had done with other guys before I met her. She knows, she wanted to see if she could get a better orgasm with some other man, basically she wanted a little strange! Ask her how would she feel if some other woman rode you. See what her reaction is. BTW, I think she trapped you and you need to drop her ASS! That baby may not be yours, get the paternity testing thing done, if she resists, you have your answer! She says she didn't care she was hurting you, then you shouldn't care about hurting her by you dropping her ass! She's crying because she's scared that you'll leave her, not because she rode some other man and hurt you! And you KNOW IT!
michelangelo Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 Cozzy, you def. need to get that child DNA tested as it might not be yours. I'd get a good lawyer and prepare for divorce, unfortunately your wife sounds like a real no-goodnik. I agree with this. You made a mistake marrying her. You didn't realize who she really is. She is not a good woman. You deserve better. That kid may not be yours. BTW, please, please, please do not take her tears as a sign of anything!
seibert253 Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 Cozzy. I'm an optimist, but in situations like yours my optimism is guarded. Reading your responses gives me hope that your W saw the monster she was, and changed for the better. All of us here can speculate, but you know your W better than all of us. The question for yourself is can you accept what she did and move forward. Based upon what you wrote: She SEEMS remorseful She SEEMS sorry She SEEMS like she wants to figure out why this happened She SEEMS to want to repair this But this means nothing without her actions to back these up.
jnj express Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 I don't think you should abandon her during her pregnancy, specially if it is your child----You do want it to have a normal birth---But after the birth!!!!! A child is not a reason to stay in a bad mge. As the above poster stated, how is she acting toward you----Does she indicate by her ACTIONS, that she will become the wife you thought you married----remember--her words, are meaningless---she has used her words against you for 16 months---it is her actions You need to have some very stiff boundaries in place should you decide to stay---they need to include NO use of alcohol---especially with a child to take care of----the rest you will decide upon, but do not just slide this under the rug----you must be hard about what she has done, and equally hard about what she must do--to get back in the mge.
FryFish Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 Get a paternity test while she is pregnant and if the kid is yours then decide if you want to help her through the pregnancy... If the kid is not yours then she should be a ghost to you.
RobD70 Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 . The question I have is why she did it and she can't answer that for me. She doesn't know. She knows, she just doesn't want to tell you so it doesn't hurt your feelings more. It's easier to just blame her past for her actions than be 100% honest. Even if you work things out now, a year or two she could get the itch and hit the sauce again. Whatever you do, never be afraid to walk away at any point and have a good bail out plan so you'll have the confidence to leave and not worry too much about the details.
Author Cozzy Posted August 19, 2010 Author Posted August 19, 2010 So seriously...I'm talking to her last night and asking some more questions about the situation and I realize her story doesn't add up. I get her to confess that she slept with him a second time the very next night. She said she had to go back and see if there were any feelings there and after she slept with him again she said she realized there were no feelings there. I ****ing hate this bitch.
Distant78 Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 So seriously...I'm talking to her last night and asking some more questions about the situation and I realize her story doesn't add up. I get her to confess that she slept with him a second time the very next night. She said she had to go back and see if there were any feelings there and after she slept with him again she said she realized there were no feelings there. I ****ing hate this bitch. I, and everybody else's assumptions are accurate: you need to leave her. This is why we said that there are things that she may have left out, and she is still lying to you. Drop her as soon as you get the results of the DNA test of that baby.
hunnybea Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 So seriously...I'm talking to her last night and asking some more questions about the situation and I realize her story doesn't add up. I get her to confess that she slept with him a second time the very next night. She said she had to go back and see if there were any feelings there and after she slept with him again she said she realized there were no feelings there. I ****ing hate this bitch. If it doesn't add up it's not the truth...it took 4 days of questions for me to get the whole thing... You have to be willing to tell her that she had better tell you all of it, every bit, or you are walking...and mean it. That's the only way I got everything out of my husband. It's hard, but you've got to get her attention...
JustJoe Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 Coz, kick her out now!!! Don't wait until the kid is born. Make her PROVE that it's your kid BEFORE you get attached to it. She's counting on you becoming attached to the baby in order for you to help raise it and support her. Take nothing she says as the truth, now you know what kind of person she is.
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