Wife waited 1 1/2 yrs to tell me she cheated, now is preg w/ our child

[Cozzy]

Hi, new to these forums but felt the need to reach out after what happened this weekend.

 

A little background:

 

My wife and I have been married for about 2 1/2 years now. Things were perfect while we were dating, but soon after we married they went south. Part of this I know is because she went back home for about a month and a half while I attended some military training and got a house set up for us at my duty location and she could be at home and see her mom who she hadn't seen in about a year or so. While she was back home I made it clear to her that I did not want her going out and drinking cause she had a bad past with alcohol and drugs. She agreed and I though that was that. Well, she wasn't alone there probably two weeks and she was already going out drinking with old friends and not wanting to answer her phone cause she was drunk and then her phone would die and I couldn't reach her at all until the next day. She would tell me she stayed with her best girlfriend and slept on her couch or floor. I may be a little naive but I believed she was a good person. Well this continued for some weeks and as much as I begged her to stop she wouldn't until about the week before she was supposed to come down to my duty station and we could live together.

 

She finally came down to live with me and things didn't improve much. She still drank (only around me at first) and then started smoking while she drank and I talked to her about it and said I didn't mind if she drank around me but just do it in moderation but I didn't like the smoking at all. She complained I was trying to change her and I told her I just cared about her and didn't want to see her get cancer from smoking or waste her liver to alcohol. She was not a very nice person when she drank either. I tried to work with her and begged and pleaded her to just think about what I was saying but she just kept telling me I was trying to control her. I reiterated I just wanted the best for her and wasting her life to cigarettes and alcohol hurt my heart cause I cared about her so much.

 

This persisted for the next few months and things got even worse. She would constantly leave the house cause she didn't want to listen to me and we would end up fighting when I tried to reason with her about her drinking. I told her if she needed to leave that's fine, just please don't drive cause she may hurt herself or someone else. Well, I think she just latched onto this cause she would always drive after leaving the house, I think just to hurt me more.

 

One night I went out of town to take care of something, asked her if she wanted to come, she said no and that she was just going over to a friends house to look at some puppies she had then she would go home. Well, after I returned home that night she was not there. I tried calling, but her phone went straight to voicemail and I couldn't reach her. I called some co-workers and the co-worker who's house she left and she said she left awhile ago and didn't know where she was. I was losing it at this point, obviously. But I was more concerned about her safety because I didn't think she would do anything bad to me. I went looking all over and could not find her.

 

The next morning she was still not back and I went to work and subsequently put out and APB for her car and called hospitals to no avail. I came home a little later in the morning and she was back. I asked her where she was and she said she just needed to think about things and slept in her car in a grocery store parking lot. I believed her and told her I just wished she had come home. Just for kicks and went and checked the phone records and found a number on there I did not recognize and was out of area. I called and texted it but no one answered. I just got a voicemail with for some guy. This upset me and I asked her about it and she said it was just a friend at work. I looked at her phone but all her texts had been deleted. Made me a little suspicious but I still believed her.

 

Well, low and behold, a year and a half later she finally comes clean and tells me she did not sleep in her car in a grocery store parking lot, but slept with the douchebag from her work. I was hurt, obviously, and did not want her to touch me or even look at her. It has only been a few days now since she told me and I am still boiling with anger and I hate her so much for this. I can't talk to her cause I just berate her and she cries. Now don't get me wrong it feels amazingly good, but I know I should not do that, it's just hard not to. She says she is sorry and is begging me to work this out cause she "can't live without me" as she says, and I believe her, but I don't know if she deserves me.

 

I don't know what to do now. Part of me doesn't want to let go of her just because I am used to her and it would be weird without her, but part of me wants to leave and just leave her so she feels like utter ***** and has the rest of her life to reflect on what she lost.

 

One side note to this is she is now 6 1/2 months pregnant so I am taking that into consideration. If she had told me this before she was pregnant I would have left her sorry ass, but I feel for the kid. Any suggestions or relatable experiences would be nice.

 

Thanks for listening,

 

Cozzy

[YellowShark]

While she was back home I made it clear to her that I did not want her going out and drinking cause she had a bad past with alcohol and drugs. She agreed and I though that was that. Well, she wasn't alone there probably two weeks and she was already going out drinking with old friends and not wanting to answer her phone cause she was drunk and then her phone would die and I couldn't reach her at all until the next day.

 

Sadly she is an addict and she disrespected the boundary you asked her not to... by drinking.

 

She would tell me she stayed with her best girlfriend and slept on her couch or floor. I may be a little naive but I believed she was a good person. Well this continued for some weeks and as much as I begged her to stop she wouldn't until about the week before she was supposed to come down to my duty station and we could live together.

 

Once again she is an addict and she disrespected the boundary you asked her not to... by drinking.

 

She still drank (only around me at first) and then started smoking while she drank and I talked to her about it and said I didn't mind if she drank around me but just do it in moderation but I didn't like the smoking at all. She complained I was trying to change her and I told her I just cared about her and didn't want to see her get cancer from smoking or waste her liver to alcohol.

 

Once again she is an addict and she is using the tired old see-through defence for her addiction by BLAMING YOU for being "too controlling." I lived with an EX who was an alcoholic, I went to AA meetings with her... been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

 

She says she is sorry and is begging me to work this out cause she "can't live without me" as she says, and I believe her, but I don't know if she deserves me.

 

I don't know what to do now. Part of me doesn't want to let go of her just because I am used to her and it would be weird without her, but part of me wants to leave and just leave her so she feels like utter ***** and has the rest of her life to reflect on what she lost.

 

What she needs to do is EARN you back if that's what you want. She needs to seek therapy, go to AA, give you all her phone records, passwords, etc. She must be an open book on every level. She must move mountains to EARN your trust back.

 

One side note to this is she is now 6 1/2 months pregnant so I am taking that into consideration. If she had told me this before she was pregnant I would have left her sorry ass, but I feel for the kid. Any suggestions or relatable experiences would be nice.

 

Thanks for listening,

 

Cozzy

 

Sadly since she has been UNTRUTHFUL repeatedly in the past you need to make sure this is even your child before you make any life-changing decisions. Sorry but that's the reality of your world if you decide to keep a liar/addict in your life.

 

Best of luck, try to deal with this tough issue with your head and not your heart.

[InceptorsRule]

Cozzy,

 

you def. need to get that child DNA tested as it might not be yours.

 

I'd get a good lawyer and prepare for divorce, unfortunately your wife sounds like a real no-goodnik.

[Bryanp]

I totally agree with the above poster. You will need to get a paternity test done and also be tested for STD's. Rarely do you ever get the full truth. The chances are pretty good this was probably just the tip of the iceberg. You have been married only 2 1/2 years? See an attorney and do not waste your life. Understand your options. You deserve better.

[RobD70]

Wonder why she is coming clean now?

 

She doesn't deserve you. If you forgive her for this there's a good chance it may happen again. She apparently has poor judgment/self control.

 

Even if she was the perfect wife for now own you'll most like will never fully forgive what she has done. I couldn't.

[reservoirdog1]

I agree -- get DNA tested NOW. Like, before the baby comes. I don't know about where you live, but where I live, the window for disputing paternity (and getting out of paying support for a child that's found to be not yours) is VERY small, and the clock starts ticking at the moment of birth.

 

I feel for you man... unless the baby is somebody else's, she's trapped you, emotionally and otherwise. If the baby is yours, you're stuck with her in your life for years, together or not.

 

A future with her does NOT sound good, to be frank. The only one who can decide if you want to make a go of it is you. Just remember though, if your only real reasons for staying are (a) it would be weird without her and (b) single parenthood is rough on the child, then you have little reason to stay. You have a life too. You'd be better served by being a good dad to your child (if it is yours) without having to share that life with her as well.

 

Good luck man... I wish you the very best. Get the DNA test.

[Distant78]

Hi, new to these forums but felt the need to reach out after what happened this weekend.

 

A little background:

 

My wife and I have been married for about 2 1/2 years now. Things were perfect while we were dating, but soon after we married they went south. Part of this I know is because she went back home for about a month and a half while I attended some military training and got a house set up for us at my duty location and she could be at home and see her mom who she hadn't seen in about a year or so. While she was back home I made it clear to her that I did not want her going out and drinking cause she had a bad past with alcohol and drugs. She agreed and I though that was that. Well, she wasn't alone there probably two weeks and she was already going out drinking with old friends and not wanting to answer her phone cause she was drunk and then her phone would die and I couldn't reach her at all until the next day. She would tell me she stayed with her best girlfriend and slept on her couch or floor. I may be a little naive but I believed she was a good person. Well this continued for some weeks and as much as I begged her to stop she wouldn't until about the week before she was supposed to come down to my duty station and we could live together.

 

She finally came down to live with me and things didn't improve much. She still drank (only around me at first) and then started smoking while she drank and I talked to her about it and said I didn't mind if she drank around me but just do it in moderation but I didn't like the smoking at all. She complained I was trying to change her and I told her I just cared about her and didn't want to see her get cancer from smoking or waste her liver to alcohol. She was not a very nice person when she drank either. I tried to work with her and begged and pleaded her to just think about what I was saying but she just kept telling me I was trying to control her. I reiterated I just wanted the best for her and wasting her life to cigarettes and alcohol hurt my heart cause I cared about her so much.

 

This persisted for the next few months and things got even worse. She would constantly leave the house cause she didn't want to listen to me and we would end up fighting when I tried to reason with her about her drinking. I told her if she needed to leave that's fine, just please don't drive cause she may hurt herself or someone else. Well, I think she just latched onto this cause she would always drive after leaving the house, I think just to hurt me more.

 

One night I went out of town to take care of something, asked her if she wanted to come, she said no and that she was just going over to a friends house to look at some puppies she had then she would go home. Well, after I returned home that night she was not there. I tried calling, but her phone went straight to voicemail and I couldn't reach her. I called some co-workers and the co-worker who's house she left and she said she left awhile ago and didn't know where she was. I was losing it at this point, obviously. But I was more concerned about her safety because I didn't think she would do anything bad to me. I went looking all over and could not find her.

 

The next morning she was still not back and I went to work and subsequently put out and APB for her car and called hospitals to no avail. I came home a little later in the morning and she was back. I asked her where she was and she said she just needed to think about things and slept in her car in a grocery store parking lot. I believed her and told her I just wished she had come home. Just for kicks and went and checked the phone records and found a number on there I did not recognize and was out of area. I called and texted it but no one answered. I just got a voicemail with for some guy. This upset me and I asked her about it and she said it was just a friend at work. I looked at her phone but all her texts had been deleted. Made me a little suspicious but I still believed her.

 

Well, low and behold, a year and a half later she finally comes clean and tells me she did not sleep in her car in a grocery store parking lot, but slept with the douchebag from her work. I was hurt, obviously, and did not want her to touch me or even look at her. It has only been a few days now since she told me and I am still boiling with anger and I hate her so much for this. I can't talk to her cause I just berate her and she cries. Now don't get me wrong it feels amazingly good, but I know I should not do that, it's just hard not to. She says she is sorry and is begging me to work this out cause she "can't live without me" as she says, and I believe her, but I don't know if she deserves me.

 

I don't know what to do now. Part of me doesn't want to let go of her just because I am used to her and it would be weird without her, but part of me wants to leave and just leave her so she feels like utter ***** and has the rest of her life to reflect on what she lost.

 

One side note to this is she is now 6 1/2 months pregnant so I am taking that into consideration. If she had told me this before she was pregnant I would have left her sorry ass, but I feel for the kid. Any suggestions or relatable experiences would be nice.

 

Thanks for listening,

 

Cozzy

 

First, I want to say that i'm sorry for what you are going through. My situation was similar to yours, except for the baby was OM's. Since I was only married to my ex for two years, I think you should divorce her because she has showed you that she doesn't want help for her addictions, and she can't even keep her legs closed for the first couple of years (not saying cheating is right, but the fact that she cheated on you early is even more disrespectful). Like others have posted, you should get a DNA test for the baby after she gives birth, and you should check yourself for STDs.

[Cozzy]

I appreciate the advice and opinions from everyone so far. I should clarify on the drinking aspect of my wife's life. I was just using that as a point to show where I was coming from on the "caring for her" scale and where she was coming from on the " I'm controlling her" scale and that it hurt my heart a lot watching her do that to herself and have no regard for my feelings. In her defense she did attend an AA class for awhile and she has stopped drinking. Early on for the first 1 1/2 years it just compounded on top of itself over and over and all the problems surrounded her drinking, even her decision to sleep with the douchebag from work was done because she was drunk.

 

The part that really irritates me is that I told her by drinking she may end up putting herself in this situation, and given her past it was more likely to happen. Then it did happen and it just makes it that much worse. She just didn't want to listen to me.

 

I think what hurts the most though is that I asked her about some intimate details of her sleeping with him. I know I probably shouldn't but my mind would have gone crazy if I didn't. Three things that really stuck out to me are

1) She had a chance to say no: She drove him from the co workers house to a hotel where he was staying and it was probably a good 20 minute drive. He started kissing on her in the car and she did nothing, then when they got there he asked her to come up and she said yes and it just happened from there.

2) She did it with her wedding ring on: This was something personal from me to her and symbolized our vows together and she shared it with this douchebag.

3) She kissed him while they did it: This to me was more intimate than just sex. Just sex is stricly intercourse and probably not even any eye contact, but adding kissing and touching is more intimate in my mind.

 

She said she just wanted acceptance from someone who would allow her to drink and smoke if she wanted. So of course this guy said drinking and smoking wasn't bad so he could get in her pants. She says she has always loved me but didn't know how to love me back (like this was a good way of showing me, right?) but after it happened she "realized" what true love was and that I was it. It has only been a few days now of emotional roller coaster rides so I'll see what happens from here.

[Disintegration]

It's awful that she waited a while to tell you, had you known then you could have worked through it or left, but now with her being pregnant it isn't as easy. I think she used her drinking/smoking as an excuse to get away with cheating on you.

 

It's only been a few days now and it's still very fresh in your mind. What made her finally confess to telling you? Was the guilt eating away at her and was/is she remorseful. I know it's devastating when someone who's supposed to love you deceives you into believing one thing and it's the opposite.

 

You wanted to trust and believe her yet you called the number because you had a feeling something wasn't right. She lied about whos number it was and although you investigated the call you still believed her. Why, because you took her word for it, that's what spouses do-trust what the other says, even if you have a suspicious feeling.

 

She should have told you then but I think she figured you'd leave her. Now that she is pregnant she may feel it's the right time to tell you because she's carrying your child and you will not leave. Therefore you feel trapped, and essentially you are. If the child is yours no matter if you stay with her or not you will be tied to her because of the child.

 

Definitely make sure that that baby is yours, she has cheated before so you can't be too careful and believe her after what has happened. It's hard to trust someone after the lies they've been feeding you for so long.

[Distant78]

I appreciate the advice and opinions from everyone so far. I should clarify on the drinking aspect of my wife's life. I was just using that as a point to show where I was coming from on the "caring for her" scale and where she was coming from on the " I'm controlling her" scale and that it hurt my heart a lot watching her do that to herself and have no regard for my feelings. In her defense she did attend an AA class for awhile and she has stopped drinking. Early on for the first 1 1/2 years it just compounded on top of itself over and over and all the problems surrounded her drinking, even her decision to sleep with the douchebag from work was done because she was drunk.

 

The part that really irritates me is that I told her by drinking she may end up putting herself in this situation, and given her past it was more likely to happen. Then it did happen and it just makes it that much worse. She just didn't want to listen to me.

 

I think what hurts the most though is that I asked her about some intimate details of her sleeping with him. I know I probably shouldn't but my mind would have gone crazy if I didn't. Three things that really stuck out to me are

1) She had a chance to say no: She drove him from the co workers house to a hotel where he was staying and it was probably a good 20 minute drive. He started kissing on her in the car and she did nothing, then when they got there he asked her to come up and she said yes and it just happened from there.

2) She did it with her wedding ring on: This was something personal from me to her and symbolized our vows together and she shared it with this douchebag.

3) She kissed him while they did it: This to me was more intimate than just sex. Just sex is stricly intercourse and probably not even any eye contact, but adding kissing and touching is more intimate in my mind.

 

She said she just wanted acceptance from someone who would allow her to drink and smoke if she wanted. So of course this guy said drinking and smoking wasn't bad so he could get in her pants. She says she has always loved me but didn't know how to love me back (like this was a good way of showing me, right?) but after it happened she "realized" what true love was and that I was it. It has only been a few days now of emotional roller coaster rides so I'll see what happens from here.

 

Please, don't allow her excuses (drunk when it happened, acceptance from someone else, etc) to overlook your pain, because she's just doing damage control. You guys have only been married for two years and look at what she's putting you through. You guys should still be in the ''newness" stage. Don' make the same mistakes I did man. Personally, I think you should still go for divorce, but if you're willing to put up with all that hard work, she should go NC with OM, and go to extensive drug/alcohol rehabilitation classes.

[Bryanp]

What a load of crap. She has this guy kissing her in the car for 20 minutes and she does not see the light. She has to have the get inside her for her to realize what love really is?.....Oh please. My hunch is that she fears the baby is not yours and is giving you the heads up so you will accept it just in case. She knows if it was not yours and you found out at the hospital then you would probably bolt. Do you honestly feel that there is not more to this story than you know?

[lostsunsets]

So basically she got pregnant, made sure the baby was far enough along to be viable and bang your trapped. She knows full well you would have left her so she got pregnant. Now your on the hook. I would definitely get a DNA test. But it is probably yours. I would tell her that if you stay, you are getting a vasectomy. Tell her that you are not going to be put in this situation again. She can't be trusted. She will just add more anchors to you. A kid born today will cost $285,000 to raise, and that's without college. With her history of drunken sex, I would most likely leave her. I will wager she has cheated B4. If not on you, then with her ex's. Good luck.

[lkjh]

Man no offense but you married a drunken party girl, what did expect? I wouldn't be shocked if she cheated other times

[mark982]

not only are you not sure if the childs your, she also could be thinking let me prolong this marriage for awhile longer and i'll get half his military retirement to boot. pay your child support(if yours). and divorce her cheating azz.

[road]

Your WW has been cheating on you the whole time with who knows how many OM.

 

WW is a serial cheater, addict, and the kid most likely is not yours. DNA test.

[TigerCub]

Hey Cozzy,

 

I'm really sorry you're in the position that you're in.

 

But seeing how EVERYONE has already assumed that she's a drunken whore just because she had a problem with alcohol isn't fair.

I'm NOT IN ANY WAY justifying what she did.

But, just to play devil's advocate for a while...people who have drinking problems drink for a reason, maybe she was in a really dark place and that's what the drinking was about. It doesn't justify that she cheated - NOTHING DOES, but for everyone to assume that she's a crazy drunken party girl because she had a substance abuse issue is not fair.

 

People make mistakes. But one thing I ABSOLUTELY CAN'T STAND is stupid women that have kids to "save the relationship" - or more realistically "to trap the man"

 

As for a comment that one poster made about the kid definitely not being yours and she's just telling you now to cover her tracks - I don't see how that's logical. If she knew for a fact that the baby wasn't yours, she wouldn't have brought up any reason for you to want to get a DNA test - that would just be very stupid, to draw up all these flags when you wouldn't have even questioned it (unless the douchebag she slept with is a different race than you - then yeah, baby would look suspicously NOT yours)

 

Get the paternity test, and think about what would be best for the kid (if it is yours).

Maybe you should also go to therapy (not couple's therapy if you're gonna leave her), but therapy for you to help you deal with all of this, because it is a really tough situation.

 

I dont think that people should ever stay in miserable relationships "for the kids" that screws everyone over, especially the kids.

 

I do think she's a bitch, not for her drinking problem but for dropping all this on you after trapping you with a kid - that's the lowest of the low - but such is life.

 

good luck to you!

[Distant78]

Hey Cozzy,

 

I'm really sorry you're in the position that you're in.

 

But seeing how EVERYONE has already assumed that she's a drunken whore just because she had a problem with alcohol isn't fair.

I'm NOT IN ANY WAY justifying what she did.

But, just to play devil's advocate for a while...people who have drinking problems drink for a reason, maybe she was in a really dark place and that's what the drinking was about. It doesn't justify that she cheated - NOTHING DOES, but for everyone to assume that she's a crazy drunken party girl because she had a substance abuse issue is not fair.

 

People make mistakes. But one thing I ABSOLUTELY CAN'T STAND is stupid women that have kids to "save the relationship" - or more realistically "to trap the man"

 

As for a comment that one poster made about the kid definitely not being yours and she's just telling you now to cover her tracks - I don't see how that's logical. If she knew for a fact that the baby wasn't yours, she wouldn't have brought up any reason for you to want to get a DNA test - that would just be very stupid, to draw up all these flags when you wouldn't have even questioned it (unless the douchebag she slept with is a different race than you - then yeah, baby would look suspicously NOT yours)

 

Get the paternity test, and think about what would be best for the kid (if it is yours).

Maybe you should also go to therapy (not couple's therapy if you're gonna leave her), but therapy for you to help you deal with all of this, because it is a really tough situation.

 

I dont think that people should ever stay in miserable relationships "for the kids" that screws everyone over, especially the kids.

 

I do think she's a bitch, not for her drinking problem but for dropping all this on you after trapping you with a kid - that's the lowest of the low - but such is life.

 

good luck to you!

 

Everyone did not assume she was a drunken whore, and the assumptions you speak of are facts, openly admitted by the BH. He just said she told him she wanted someone to drink and smoke with. He said she tried to stop the addictions by going to an AA class, but around the time of the affair, she resumed drinking and smoking after he warned her, and while she was at OM's apartment she was drinking and smoking. That evidence alone is enough for a person to see that her addictions never ceased, but were stalled for a minimum period of time. She was justifying her affair by using her addictions and that was no excuse, and on top of that, the baby might not even be the BH's. Obviously, she couldn't stay away from the booze and cancer sticks, before the affair even happened.

Edited August 17, 2010 by Distant78

[TigerCub]

Everyone did not assume she was a drunken whore, and the assumptions you speak of are facts, openly admitted by the BH. He just said she told him she wanted someone to drink and smoke with. He said she tried to stop the addictions by going to an AA class, but around the time of the affair, she resumed drinking and smoking after he warned her, and while she was at OM's apartment she was drinking and smoking. That evidence alone is enough for a person to see that her addictions never ceased, but were stalled for a minimum period of time. She was justifying her affair by using her addictions and that was no excuse, and on top of that, the baby might not even be the BH's. Obviously, she couldn't stay away from the booze and cancer sticks, before the affair even happened.

 

All I'm saying is that she OBVIOUSLY has substance abuse issues - I also said that STILL DOES NOT EXCUSE the affair. She was having drinking problems BEFORE she slept with the co-worker. I'm not excusing what she did, I'm just saying that she has substance abuse issues that are most likely triggered by bigger problems (not things that are the BH's fault, but problems nonetheless).

 

The BH knows of 1 act of infidelity - if that is truly the case, then she's not a huge whore - people make mistakes.

I think having a kid in a *****ty marriage is the bigger mistake here!!

 

I also agree that he may not know if the kid is his - so a paternity test is def in order (and I agreed with that earlier).

 

He does need to get away from the situation, but she needs to seek help, especially is she is going to be raising the kid (even if it is part time).

[Chrome Barracuda]

Damn sounds like she trapped the OP. but the OP has a choice, even if the kid is his, he can file for divorce and if the kid isnt his, he can file for divorce hire a lawyer and make sure he DOESNT have to pay child support.

 

She was probably drinking so much and doing all this crazy stuff, who knows if the baby is really his!

[Distant78]

All I'm saying is that she OBVIOUSLY has substance abuse issues - I also said that STILL DOES NOT EXCUSE the affair. She was having drinking problems BEFORE she slept with the co-worker. I'm not excusing what she did, I'm just saying that she has substance abuse issues that are most likely triggered by bigger problems (not things that are the BH's fault, but problems nonetheless).

 

The BH knows of 1 act of infidelity - if that is truly the case, then she's not a huge whore - people make mistakes.

I think having a kid in a *****ty marriage is the bigger mistake here!!

 

I also agree that he may not know if the kid is his - so a paternity test is def in order (and I agreed with that earlier).

 

He does need to get away from the situation, but she needs to seek help, especially is she is going to be raising the kid (even if it is part time).

I think I already said that she was drinking before she slept with him, which is why I, and others, stated that she still has an addiction to alcohol and drugs.

Triggered by bigger problems? So you mean to tell me that if she hadn't got involved with OM that her problems would have ceased? BS. All it takes IS one act of infidelity for somone to be a whore. If you sleep with someone else, while in a relationship/marriage, its still being a whore. Sleeping with someone else is still huge, especially if its a possibility you got knocked up by someone else other than your husband. What difference does it make if she slept with two other people? Would that be considered a whore? It is still a huge offense to the betrayed spouse.

 

You're right. This guy only knows of ONE infidelity, and I wonder if there were others, since she cheated so early in their marriage.

[Distant78]

Damn sounds like she trapped the OP. but the OP has a choice, even if the kid is his, he can file for divorce and if the kid isnt his, he can file for divorce hire a lawyer and make sure he DOESNT have to pay child support.

 

She was probably drinking so much and doing all this crazy stuff, who knows if the baby is really his!

 

Who ever baby it is, I hope she hasn't been drinking or smoking while not in the presence of her BH. That baby still deserves a healty life.

[TigerCub]

I think I already said that she was drinking before she slept with him, which is why I, and others, stated that she still has an addiction to alcohol and drugs.

Triggered by bigger problems? So you mean to tell me that if she hadn't got involved with OM that her problems would have ceased? BS.

I obviously didn't say that, you just want to argue for the sake of arguing. I'm saying that people that drink do so because they have problems. Maybe her getting help is something to consider because she will be raising a kid.

I said repeatedly that I'm not excusing her actions.

 

All it takes IS one act of infidelity for somone to be a whore. If you sleep with someone else, while in a relationship/marriage, its still being a whore. Sleeping with someone else is still huge, especially if its a possibility you got knocked up by someone else other than your husband. What difference does it make if she slept with two other people? Would that be considered a whore? It is still a huge offense to the betrayed spouse.

 

If it was a one time thing, then it truly could have been a mistake, people make mistakes. I do understand your stance on it considering what you went through AND I openly admit that I wouldn't be with someone that cheated on me because I wouldn't be able to trust them....BUT since there will be a kid (probably his, involved), being civil with her, helping her get help (even tho she refused it before), would be the best way to go about it.

And if she doesn't get any help, the kid definitely shouldn't be left in her care.

I'm just saying the bigger issue here is her substance abuse issue rather than if she made a mistake or is a whore.

 

Anyways, this back and forth, doesn't help the BH with his problem....

 

You're right. This guy only knows of ONE infidelity, and I wonder if there were others, since she cheated so early in their marriage.

Agreed...that is very sad

I personally don't understand cheating, I'd rather leave the person than cheat on them....but that's just me....

[cookie2]

If it was a one time thing, then it truly could have been a mistake, people make mistakes.

What, she tripped over and landed on his penis? Come on, cheating is never a "mistake". It is a choice. A poor choice, maybe, but a choice nonetheless.

[Distant78]

I obviously didn't say that, you just want to argue for the sake of arguing. I'm saying that people that drink do so because they have problems. Maybe her getting help is something to consider because she will be raising a kid.

I said repeatedly that I'm not excusing her actions.

 

 

 

If it was a one time thing, then it truly could have been a mistake, people make mistakes. I do understand your stance on it considering what you went through AND I openly admit that I wouldn't be with someone that cheated on me because I wouldn't be able to trust them....BUT since there will be a kid (probably his, involved), being civil with her, helping her get help (even tho she refused it before), would be the best way to go about it.

And if she doesn't get any help, the kid definitely shouldn't be left in her care.

I'm just saying the bigger issue here is her substance abuse issue rather than if she made a mistake or is a whore.

 

Anyways, this back and forth, doesn't help the BH with his problem....

 

 

Agreed...that is very sad

I personally don't understand cheating, I'd rather leave the person than cheat on them....but that's just me....

 

Ok, sorry if you're thinking we're arguing, but we are merely debating.

Of course when people drink they have problems. You say her getting help is something she should consider just because she has a kid on the way. Well, duh, of course she's going to need help, and she should've got help before she got pregnant, and before the affair. She should've got help when her husband was trying to help and be there for her. Just because she's having a baby still doesn't exclude all of the other issues.

 

So what if it WAS a one time thing. It was still wrong (or a poor choice), and it wasn't a mistake. Mistakes are when people accidently step on something or dial a wrong number. She didn't accidently fall on his dicck, she drove him home, he asked her to come up to his apartment and she said yes. The fact that she has an addiction to drugs/alcohol does not make that issue bigger than her preplanned affair, nor does her having a baby makes it bigger, especially if its a possibility that the child is not his.

 

Of course you would leave them, and I understand that fully, because i've been in a situation similar to OP's issue.

[Cozzy]

To clarify a few things:

 

1) I did know she had a past of alcohol and drugs but she swore she changed and honestly she hasn't done drugs since she has been with me. She did drink a lot but like I said got help and has been sober for about a year

 

2) she did have a history of molestation as a kid that she never really dealt with emotionally. She only told me some but there are some deep rooted issues there that she says caused her to act the way she did cause it's all she knew

 

Now I am not one to really fall for psycho babble from a counselor but having talked to one and my wife the last couple days I see where some of this plays together. She has also had a bad history with boyfriends cheating on her and says her acting out was cause she didn't feel good enough for me cause of her past. I forgave her past and told her that early on. She said after cheating on me it finally opened her eyes and she realized she was good enough it just took sleeping with someone not good enough to realize that. I agreed to go to counseling and see what comes of it cause I really believe she is sorry and she is going to get help for her past.