Tractor Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 I have only been here as a member about a week. Been reading about a month. Been seperated from SO about 6 weeks. I know we have significant problems, as does she. Major one caused by me. I dont blame her for my infidelity. She dosent blame me for her ineffective communication skills, or the problems in her youth that cause her to run away from problems rather than facing them. I understand LS is a very diverse community of indiviuals with backgrounds from around the world. It seem that the majority of responses( not just to me, but to other posters as well) point out the virtues of cutting that person out of your life. Moving on. Healing oneself. Making yourself a better person for that next relationship. With a few exceptions. I want the healing,better person,emotional well being, and the things that go along with this process. I want that for my SO as well. I get it that not all realitionships are able to be repaired. In my reading on this site, it appears that a good number of the members are in the 20-30s age group. Please dont be upset if I have missed the mark on this. I and my SO are older than that by several decades(+). We have children in two generations to be concerned about. We have a home and a business. We both see the pluses in making it work. Not just for the above reasons. Also that we really do love one another,we compliment each other in lifes daily challenges,and we continue to be supportive of each other even in this time of crisis. I know some of you see this and think, "He's the one that screwed up, now he wants her back, and trying to get validation from us". She and I both are trying to make headway in this. We each have issues that have to be solved as individuals,then as a couple. Then we can start to bring the family along with us as the struggles become less, as not to burden them any more than they are now. This dosent seem to be the favored method of conflict resolution here. I have read caliguys and others NC threads very carefully. I understand how it works to both heal youself, and to show your "ex" your strength and ability to move on/grow/heal with out them.Which shows the desirable traits to the other We dont really want to be each others "ex". We want to work on it. Both of us. I also know the clingy,begging, I'll do anything to have you back dosent work either. I saw that in a past relationship and it made me realize that that person was weak, and dependant. Isint there some middle ground.
Ronni_W Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Usually there is no middle ground because BOTH individuals don't make the same decision at the same time, about doing their emotional healing and self-development work. (There is just a very small chance of it working, if only one person decides to become self-aware and emotionally self-sufficient.) I want the healing, better person, emotional well being, and the things that go along with this process. I want that for my SO as well. You don't have the right, power or authority to "want" (or "hope for") such things for your ex (or anyone else.) Other people need to want it for themselves...and they have the right, power and authority to NOT want it for themselves. When they choose "not", it's none of your business even if you are negatively impacted by their choice. [because] They have the absolute right to make their own unwise/unloving choices. If the couple is working together towards a reconciliation; if both are serious and committed and determined, then obviously 'no contact' is not an appropriate tool to use. If one partner wants something (from the relationship) that the other does not want or will not/cannot commit to, then 'no contact' is an effective, some would say necessary, tool to start detaching and letting go. IMO, it should be part of a bigger 'healing strategy', not the only tool one uses. When children are involved, the whole 'no contact' thing needs to be tailored to suit the actual situation and circumstances.
Recommended Posts