setmarc21 Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 I decided to join this forum since it seems to be a good place to anonymously get an unbiased opinion on subjects that I wouldn't normally discuss with people I know in person. So hopefully this works. Anyway, here's the deal (This is going to be really long, so go get some popcorn or something; or, if you get bored easily, then just exit out of this right now, because I'm very descriptive and long-winded). To start off, let me just say that I rarely meet women who I feel like I'm compatible with. I just don't seem to fit in with other people. I'm very deep-thinking and emotional, and I like to be open about my feelings, and I'm not afraid to have my own opinion. I have a lot of different tastes that none of my friends or family seem to share, and I've always wanted to have at least one friend who could really understand and share all of my thoughts, opinions, and feelings without judging me harshly. Almost two years ago, I met a girl who seemed to fit that position (for the sake of the story, I'll call her Amanda). We got to know each other really well, and we had so many similar tastes. We liked the same music, movies, books, everything. Like me, she was even an artist and a writer. I've NEVER met anyone who shared those same passions, so it wasn't very long before I fell completely in love with her. But, unfortunately, it was under circumstances where we couldn't be in a relationship. Had that not been the case, I think it might have worked out. I also found out that she had gotten pregnant about a month before I met her, and I wanted to help her get through it. There wasn't much that I could do, but I tried to show her as much compassion and emotional support as possible. We seemed to grow very close (as far as circumstances would allow). A couple times we would play piano and sing with each other, and it really felt like we had a real bond. She knew I had feelings for her, and she made me think that she had those feelings as well. Her mother seemed to really encourage the "relationship" between us. But unfortunately, circumstance forced me to leave. I kept in contact with Amanda, but for reasons I'd rather not explain, I wasn't supposed to stay in touch with her. Basically, it was against the rules. But I ignored that fact and wrote to her for a long time, and she wrote back. I finally told her that I loved her, and she replied that she wasn't sure how she felt, but that there definitely was something there that was more than friendship, and that it might lead to something more in the future when I was finally done with my current obligations. Our letters grew very intimate, expressing a lot of our deepest feelings about life. I even ran into her mom one day, who told me that Amanda kept saying, "He'll come back for me someday." However, my "employer" (that's technically an inaccurate term, but it works for this) found out what was going on and told me to stop, and contacted her family and said I was forbidden from having anymore communication with them. I tried to secretly keep writing to her, but she told me maybe it was best if we just broke it off for now. But, because of my lack of self-confidence and security, I wasn't willing to stop. I kept writing to her, but she didn't reply anymore. The day that her baby was born came and went, and I still hadn't heard from her, and I was really worried that something had happened. I tried calling her, and got someone to try contacting her for me, but still there was no reply. Then one day my boss called me in and said her family had called him and told him that I hadn't stopped writing to her. According to him, Amanda and her family now called me a "stalker" and didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. Her mom had also talked to my parents and basically said the same things. I was utterly devastated and didn't understand what happened. Maybe I was a little too obsessive about her, but I didn't think she would suddenly abandon me like that. It was too much for me to take, and I ended up quitting my work several months ahead of schedule, and I went back home (which was several states away). I sent Amanda an email asking her what happened, and telling her that I hadn't meant to scare her away. I didn't get a reply for a few months, and I eventually gave up and tried to move on. But she finally sent me a message through myspace.com saying she was sorry and hadn't meant for me to be hurt. She said that she hoped I would forgive her and that we could go back to being friends. She didn't offer any explanation about what happened, but I was too happy to care. I forgave her without a second thought. However, as time went on, I began to feel like she was holding back on me. It didn't seem like she was entirely sincere about her apology, especially since she wouldn't explain to me why things happened the way they did. I eventually asked her why she just suddenly gave up on me like that. But she never told me, and seemed to be avoiding the question. A couple of times, I got angry with her and told her that I didn't want to have anything to do with her anymore, but then I would apologize a couple of days later and try to fix things. I was very emotionally unstable. The third time I wrote her an "anger" message, I got over it a few days later, but I felt utterly pathetic about asking for her forgiveness a third time. So I finally decided to just cut off communication with her. I sent her one last message saying I was sorry, and that I would leave her alone now, and to seal the deal, I deleted my myspace account. I told her that I loved her, but I found myself wondering the next day if that was actually true. It's been about three months since that happened, and I thought I had finally let go of her for good. But, just the other day, I saw she had an account on facebook. I tried to ignore it at first, but my lack of self-restraint got the best of me, and I sent her a friend invite, also adding kind of a light-hearted, "hey, how's it going?" message. I can't stop myself from wondering, is there still a possibility that I could fix this friendship? And if so, can there still be more between us, especially now that I'm allowed to have a relationship with her now? But I hate myself for thinking those things, because it means that I still haven't gotten over my obsession with her, and it also means that I've learned nothing. I'm still willing to get myself hurt again because I think I can fix what happened. She is the only person on earth who has ever made me feel like I'm not alone in the world, and once again I'm entering the path that will probably end in another heartbreak. The thing is that I just don't know how she feels about me. Does she hate me? Does she still care about me? Or do I even ever cross her mind anymore? Ever since she stopped replying back when we were writing to each other, I've been completely at a loss as to how she felt about me. She seemed to care for a while, but I totally blew it. And I can't stand it, because I don't feel like there is anyone else who I can connect with the way I connected with her when we first met. I just don't know what to do anymore. Anyone got any advice?
LoveTruthChaos Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 (edited) Sounds like you should let her go, at least for a while. Get yourself out there, meeting new people. You'll then realise she's not the only one out there who has things in common with you. I don't know how old you are, but I met my soulmate (that's what I call friendships that can be understood and expressed without words, because you really are cut from the same soul) at age 20, and she is my best friend. It just happened for us, at a time when we thought no one understood us. It will happen for you too, you just need to get out there more. But to be honest, the reason she's not contacting you is probably most likely to do with the fact that she's a Mum now. She's looking out for her child. Her child will always come first, and yes, her child is more important to her than you. The fact that you are going hot and cold on her writing all sorts of emails and messages and playing deleting games on MySpace and FB is basically more carp that she really doesn't need right now with a new baby. I'm sorry it's not what you want to hear, and I know you need answers to your last questions, but your questions were also a little self centered considering all that's going on in her life right now. Edited August 16, 2010 by LoveTruthChaos
Author setmarc21 Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 (edited) It may not have been what I wanted to hear, but it's probably what I deserve. I should mention that she isn't actually raising the baby, she gave it up for adoption, and that all happened a year ago. And I know he's infinitely more important to her than I am. I didn't mean to sound self-centered in my post. I admit, I am a very selfish person, but I sincerely care about her too. I know she's going through a lot, and I desperately want to be there for her. But I'm just worried that there's nothing I can do for her because she won't let me. I've gotten enough control over myself that I won't freak out on her anymore. If she would just tell me to leave her alone, then I would do so, but that's the thing. She never said whether we're still friends or if she does want me to leave her alone, so I didn't know what to do. My biggest problem is that sometimes I forget how to care about other people more than myself. Edited August 16, 2010 by setmarc21
BiAxident Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 I just don't know what to do anymore. Anyone got any advice? Hit the 'enter' key more often when you post! In all seriousness though, our situations are similar in that we've both obsessed over one woman for too long. And we're both willing to still get ourselves hurt for the "chance" at making things work... but for how long? I didn't catch in your post how long it had been before you sent her the message on facebook. In my case, I waited two years after the breakup before taking the time to ask "how is it goin'?" At the very least you need to take a break from this woman.
Author setmarc21 Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 LoveTruthChaos, it seems I should thank you profusely. When you said that I was being self-centered, I got thinking about that and thought about everything that happened, and I realized that that's exactly what has been the problem the whole time. It's because I was selfish and didn't care about her as much as I just cared about how she made me feel. She and I talked about it, and we're back to being friends now, and everything is finally resolved. I apologized for how I was acting and everything that I did, and she said she had already forgiven me a long time ago. So thank you for what you said, because otherwise I would have remained the pigheaded fool that I am instead of realizing that all of this happened because I only cared about myself.
LoveTruthChaos Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Heyyyy, no problem, glad it all worked out I think I went through a similar thing with my ex ex, being self centered. I'm not now, by any means, and to be honest, my situation was probably also because I really was still a child (I was 18). And with my current ex, I guess I have some more to learn too...although he was the self centered one in this case LOL
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