Lolipop Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 My husband of 5 years (at the time) had an affair a year ago. I had struggled following the birth of our second child with some depression, which led to an old (serious) eating disorder flaring up again. So self absorbed I was I all but pushed him away completely. Our mistake was not talking about my issues and over the course of a year my husband fell out of love with me - and then he met someone else - who he fell deeply in love with. We have been through a long journey: My husband after moving out decided that he missed me / the kids and felt he could love me again so he wanted to give it another chance. I agreed - I really love him, and there was a serious issue that could be fixed in our marriage. I felt if we could fix our marriage, the affair would mean nothing. Well over the last year we have had some serious ups and downs but we have really worked on our marriage, and I would say categorically in that respect our marriage is fixed. But the affair is ruining everything. I know deep in my heart that although he is desperately trying to change, he is still not completely over her: He was allowing her to contact him via chat (this allegedly stopped two months ago when he refused to see her)and he was convincing himself it meant nothing. I found a picture of her (within a group photo) still on his laptop (it was viewed on July 22 last). He cleaned up his lap top In July and deleted a whole bunch of stuff but not the folder containing 'Father and divorce' links - which means he still sees that as a possibility. I know he has a process to go through - but I fear he's kidding himself in a lot of respects. For example he claims to have just switched his feelings off for her which means it wouldnt matter if they were still in contact. However to the contrary, he would log on purposely in the morning or escape to Star Bucks, I know now, to chat with her - He has not told me this, but it was something I questioned him about at the time (he was deleting cookies and internet logs after logging on for a while which was kind of suspicious - the fact he was going straight to start bucks after a night shift was suspicious enough at the time to question). He also lied about being online - and I found a temp file that showed he had been on windows live the times he said he wasn't on line. Anyway, that is history, but the fact is - it MUST have meant something if he was making special arrangement to be available at certain times for her to chat to him. Yet he still convinces himself it meant nothing. I am so scared he is kidding himself and he can never really get over her - I am at a point where I just want him to be honest with himself - although he must be extremely confused. It sucks so bad - we have such a good relationship now in all the other respects (i.e. when we are both able to completely remove any thought of the affair from our minds) - If he had not had the affair, there would be no other 'choice' and we would be so happy. I went through a phase where I felt as though I had lost love for him, but through working at our marriage I have fallen smack bang back in love with him, and know that if he ends up going back to her its going to hurt so badly - so very very badly. Sorry - I am new - and this is an awfully long post. Thank you for reading I really appreciate it. xxx
quankanne Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 I'm really sorry to hear of this ... it sounds like he's got a bad case of divided loyalties, and is still keeping her as an "option" in the event the marriage doesn't work out. "either be committed or stop wasting my time" is my thought, and maybe it's time to give him the ultimatum. Because at this point, he probably doesn't think anything wrong about doing this, though he hides it because he knows he'll get in trouble for doing it. hugs, q
kuma Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Lolipop, please tell him to cease all contact with his OW and go to MC. If he refuses to cut all ties with her, file for divorce. Your H hasn't been honest with you about his feelings for her. I'm sorry you're going through this.
funnyluv Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 I am so sorry for what you're going through. Your husband should definitely stop communicating with her and delete photos of her. He is keeping that flame alive- that feeling of love he had for her- by continuing to talk to her and looking at her picture. You guys will never get your marriage back to where it was, or even have the chance to, if she is still in the picture. He said he missed you and the kids and came home, which should mean all focus goes back to the marriage. Tell your husband you love him and you want to get things back to how it was. If he truly cares about the marriage, he will cut off all communication with her. Its the only way. If your husband is still in love with her, then its going to hurt, but it is a pain that he will have to deal with. You have to tell him that he can't have both. Either he is going to focus on you and your marriage or he's going to focus on her. Not half marriage and half sneaking to starbucks or wherever to get his fix.
Author Lolipop Posted August 19, 2010 Author Posted August 19, 2010 Thank you for replying! Sorry I am late to say thank you. The trouble for me is he says he has ceased contact with her completely, I am just have a real hard time believing him - I really REALLY want to but I have this gut feeling. In addition to that I get the impression he lied about the chatting - I think he also saw her. I think this because he makes these odd slips ... as we get closer its like he's less on guard and is not always ultra careful about what he says ... For example today we were looking to go for coffee and near a UCC I have never been to - it is newly built (last few months).. He said he didn't want to go there because he doesn't like the coffee... I ask him when he has been there he's like 'er, um ...' I say how many times have you been there, he's like 'er, once'. ... Deep breath: Its round the corner from where they used to ... well ... go and you know. However the coffee shop was not open then. Its a small thing - but never the less - grating. It could be my imagination and paranoia I JUST DON'T KNOW. I mean SERIOUSLY *SOB*! Do you think I should go back on him and ask? Or just let it go ... I mean if he really isnt seeing her or contacting her now - if he really IS making the effort then I could just put it all in jeapordy. I just feel like I need to know the whole truth ... is that crazy? Thanks guys really appreciate your feed-back. Hit a brick wall with all this .. so crazy annoying!
2sure Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 I firmly believe that for a marriage to recover from the crisis of infidelity that there are several things that HAVE to happen : Marriage Counseling. Even if you think you dont have to because it creates a line and style of communication that benefits everyone. Openness and Transparency. This is always important , but when a marriage has been completely betrayed it is the single most important thing. The WS has to learn to be completely open. Transparency does not ruin marriages - privacy does. The BS has to learn that having access to all communications is not snooping..it is verifying. Without this there is no opportunity to rebuild trust, no opportunity to become comfortable with complete communication. Your H may indeed have been able to turn a switch off regarding his feelings for OW . That may because what he was "in love' with, was the affair itself - more than her personally. Regardless...as long as there is any contact at all, any keepsakes - the affair continues in whatever venue there is. STOP taking any responsibility for your husbands abuse. You are responsible for many of the problems that led up to the crisis perhaps - but only HE is responsible for cheating on you. Unless these things happen, you are going to continue to be suspicious and paranoid - and justifiably so. I cant help but get the idea from the voice of your post that - You are the only victim of your husbands betrayal. You are the only one dealing with the consequences of his actions. Whats changed for him?
Author Lolipop Posted August 19, 2010 Author Posted August 19, 2010 We saw a counselor together for a few weeks and then quit thinking we didn't need it. From his perspective we don't need it - having said that, he said that prior to chatting with her and (obviously) getting emotionally involved again (if not more). I am seeing a therapist of my own, to address my issues that led to our marriage difficulties - that is going very well (great news). I am a little worried about bringing up the counselor thing again, I kind of don't have the energy for it any more if that makes sense - I am recovering from my things, mum of two and in a high profile demanding job - pull out the tiniest violin lol Since 'D' day I also got pregnant and had an abortion (sorry to anyone who has moral issues with that - it was not an easy decision). It is all quite a lot to deal with I guess - and throwing money at a counselor at this stage when in so many respects its going so well seems like throwing money at an eventuality that will swing which ever way its going to swing regardless of someone else perspective... My husband is also so unbelievably good at talking and people take an instant liking to him - I feel he could pull the wool over the eyes of even the most experienced professional if he wanted to. I'm making excuses ... you are right, we have got to do that. He sent me a text 30 mins or so ago telling me he has a surprise for me tomorrow. I'm all over the place with that one ... I guess I'll just have to see what it is. If he has spent money I will feel suspicious - we're saving fastidiously at the moment. He has offered me his log in details, but I feel kind of stupid taking them ... should I? In any case what would it prove? If he was still conversing with her and didn't want me to find out he would find a way - A separate email account. Bah - I am sorry, I am feeling rather negative today as you can probably tell. I think perhaps counseling could help - what have we got to lose lol Thanks again ... very much. I firmly believe that for a marriage to recover from the crisis of infidelity that there are several things that HAVE to happen : Marriage Counseling. Even if you think you dont have to because it creates a line and style of communication that benefits everyone. Openness and Transparency. This is always important , but when a marriage has been completely betrayed it is the single most important thing. The WS has to learn to be completely open. Transparency does not ruin marriages - privacy does. The BS has to learn that having access to all communications is not snooping..it is verifying. Without this there is no opportunity to rebuild trust, no opportunity to become comfortable with complete communication. Your H may indeed have been able to turn a switch off regarding his feelings for OW . That may because what he was "in love' with, was the affair itself - more than her personally. Regardless...as long as there is any contact at all, any keepsakes - the affair continues in whatever venue there is. STOP taking any responsibility for your husbands abuse. You are responsible for many of the problems that led up to the crisis perhaps - but only HE is responsible for cheating on you. Unless these things happen, you are going to continue to be suspicious and paranoid - and justifiably so. I cant help but get the idea from the voice of your post that - You are the only victim of your husbands betrayal. You are the only one dealing with the consequences of his actions. Whats changed for him?
2sure Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 Checking his logs in the aftermath of what has happened is an important thing to do - NOT for the obvious reason , because like you said - he could find a way. Its an important step in the process of both of you being comfortable with that kind of openness and transparency. I know it sounds stupid or maybe violating...but Ive learned that for some that kind of complete honesty doesn't come naturally. For example, myself. I have always been fairly private regarding my personal and professional correspondence, my bills, my doctor stuff. I also have always been almost fastidiously respectful of my partner's privacy. In an undamaged relationship - that can work forever. But really, that much privacy creates an atmosphere that allows things to fester, allows things to be hidden, allows one partner to become distant from another. By sharing each other emails and phone bills, etc....it actually creates an atmosphere that has a high comfort level with asking & answering questions. Like, its OK!!! No more accusation/defense type conversations. Thats the theory. Thats what I want.
funnyluv Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 Thank you for replying! Sorry I am late to say thank you. The trouble for me is he says he has ceased contact with her completely, I am just have a real hard time believing him - I really REALLY want to but I have this gut feeling. I'm a big believer in going with your gut feeling- your woman's intuition. How about simply sitting down with him and telling him how you feel. Tell him you love him and you want to really focus on getting things back to how they used to be. Tell him you just have this uneasy feeling that he is still in contact with her or still cares for her. Don't accuse him. Just ask and let him respond. If you need to point out examples of what makes you think that then do so. I don't think that you are crazy for wanting to know for sure. Right now things need to be totally open and transparent because you are still building that trust back.
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