earthfireuk Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Did you notice them falling out of love with you? I had a dream last night. In the dream I was still together with my ex but I confronted her about how I had noticed her behaviour towards me had changed. She really did change quite allot as time went on and she lost feeling. Here’s what I noticed. She once found me so funny; I would joke around and make her laugh so much. Then as time went on she didn’t find me funny anymore, where she would once join in on the joke and we would bounce off each other. As time went on and she lost feeling, she then began to just awkwardly chuckle at my silliness and jokes as if she no longer found me funny but just wanted to humour me so not hurt my feelings. It was pretty obvious. She always used show me how much she loved me. At first she would always tell me how much she loved me. She didn’t hold back and used to say the most beautiful things to me. Then as time went on and her feelings changed I found that It became more one sided. I would put little notes under her pillow saying I love her so she would find them before she went to sleep at night. I would still send her little heartfelt, cute text messages but she didn’t respond with any imagination or feeling. Love is effortless but I did notice that for her it seemed to have become a bit of an effort. She once respected me for who I am. At first I felt that she had so much respect for me. Almost looked up to me (not that I’m a control freak) It was just nice to know that she had respect for me. As time went on though where she would once accept me for me and respect me for whom I am. I noticed her begin to pick at me and the things I did. Highlight my bad points more instead of accepting them and me. Instead of standing with me side by side, it felt as though she had stepped forward and then faced towards me as more of an opposing force. She no longer wanted to accept me for me. There are lots of other examples I could think of like she became reluctant to kiss me properly (passionately) ect but I could go on all day. I wanted to address the main emotional examples I noticed. What changes did you notice in your ex before your relationship ended? It would be interesting to know what other people have experienced. Much love, Alex x
Div Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 I can agree with all 3 of the points you described above. My ex did the exact same thing. The problem is as I noticed these things, I put more and more effort into making the relationship work which pushed her further and further away. Instead I should have been pulling back, and if that didnt make her question anything or change her behavior, I should have been the one to end it. The signs were all there, I was just too in love to see them.
smk Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 I can agree with all 3 of the points you described above. My ex did the exact same thing. The problem is as I noticed these things, I put more and more effort into making the relationship work which pushed her further and further away. Instead I should have been pulling back, and if that didnt make her question anything or change her behavior, I should have been the one to end it. The signs were all there, I was just too in love to see them. exactly the same here - i noticed those things and instead i just made more of an effort - now that i look back and i can actually pinpoint when she started drifting away and at that point all i did was double my effort and contribution to the relationship... ahh well - their loss...
bboy Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Ouch, guys.... Seriously. This is imaginary hindsight 101. There is a reason why you acted at certain points as you did. You had your boundaries, values, ways of communication and opinions. Something clashed there and it didn't work out. Without going knowing details this is a imaginary picture you're painting and I bet that in a year you will say that in some moments you thought "WTF - That wasn't really my fault at all". Why is it that guys have a tendency to take the "big blame" all the time for everything that went wrong. Relationships isn't about serving the other one a perfect life with getting something back. If you noticed them "falling out of love" - this means you didn't get what you wanted for your effort. The blame however doesn't need to be yours.
bboy Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 I can agree with all 3 of the points you described above. My ex did the exact same thing. The problem is as I noticed these things, I put more and more effort into making the relationship work which pushed her further and further away. Instead I should have been pulling back, and if that didnt make her question anything or change her behavior, I should have been the one to end it. The signs were all there, I was just too in love to see them. If it is any comfort, I did the exact opposite and ended also up in the same spot as you. "Should have, Could have, Would have" - There is no miracle medication.
user2011 Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Yup, i notices these and did the exact opposite. Its been helpfull for me to read this thread because i keep tomenting myself as i pulled away, if she was being distant i didnt chase in the hope she would realise yadayaydaayada. But it dousnt matter as these issues are bigger than this, its allabout your head trying to pinpoint problems in a way you can understand and give a label to. Unfortunatley its not that simple so beating yourself up over these small things wont be helpfull.
Author earthfireuk Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 (edited) Yup, i notices these and did the exact opposite. Its been helpfull for me to read this thread because i keep tomenting myself as i pulled away, if she was being distant i didnt chase in the hope she would realise yadayaydaayada. But it dousnt matter as these issues are bigger than this, its allabout your head trying to pinpoint problems in a way you can understand and give a label to. Unfortunatley its not that simple so beating yourself up over these small things wont be helpfull. I aggree. Its not constructive to regret what could have been. Once they have lost that love magic inside them you could blow bubbles out of your ass but it probably wouldn't have changed the way they felt. Its not what you do its how they see you. Their perception of you changed. Its very hard to change their perception. Anyways this thread is more about what was going on with them. Not what was going on with you or what you did to contribute (or not as the case may be). It's blameless, don't blame yourselves or suffer regret. They changed. Your love was strong. That is something you should be proud of. Edited August 16, 2010 by earthfireuk
BeagleGal Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 I didnt notice any change. We went to Hawaii together, he still texted/called me like he used to when we were at work, still told me he loved me, made a nice candlelight dinner for us on Valentines Day... nothing told me he had already been involved with someone else and carrying on 2 relationships at once. It wasn't until a couple of weeks before the breakup, did I notice he was distant all of a sudden and then I knew something was up. And even after I asked if anyone else was involved (several times), he kept telling me no, he still loved me, still loved us, we had a good relationship, we just need to work on a few things. And then next thing you know, I'm dumped, he's pushed me out of the house and the rest is history...
Nappeal Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 I noticed it for months, and even said something to him about it several times w obviously no good response from him. He stopped calling and texting me as often as once before, quit making time for me, and was generally just very distant. He had a lot of job stress going on, so that's what I chalked it up to, even tho I knew deep-down it was because he was losing interest. I wish I would've eneded it myself once I noticed and his responses to me became incredible vague...definitely hindsight 101.
Username37 Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Lemme look back. We were texting each other fine. A lot of lovely dovey **** and it was really cool. Although, we were around a time where a LOT of stress was going on in my ex's life. We were working together and she was focusing on finals. She became kinda distant from me and was showing more attention to my friends than me, so I confronted her about that and she got kinda mad. Then we got into an arguement about gifts and crap (it was our 1.5 year ani) and we ended up going on break and not talking for the whole day. next day, she dumps me.
BiAxident Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 The first time my X left me, in the two weeks leading up to the breakup, she would go to bed/fall asleep much earlier than she used to. Granted, she would often sleep for 10 hours at a time. Still, for her to pass out on the couch at 8:30 on a Friday night instead of hanging out was a red flag. The second time, it was a change in sleeping behavior. That is to say, when things were going well, we would fall asleep in each others arms or spoon, what have you. Slowly, that changed to her sleeping with her back to me, as far away as the bed would allow. The sick part is that the compliments and lovey-dovey type stuff was still mostly there. The signs of trouble were a bit more subtle.
BeagleGal Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Yes! That was the same with me! He was still acting like he was into me and the relationship and all the while f*cking around. Signs of trouble for me were barely there if at all. That's what really f*cked me up for a while is how he was able to still continue acting all in love like he used to and carrying on another relationship with someone else. I dont understand how some people are capable of doing that... The sick part is that the compliments and lovey-dovey type stuff was still mostly there. The signs of trouble were a bit more subtle.
BiAxident Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Yes! That was the same with me! He was still acting like he was into me and the relationship and all the while f*cking around. Signs of trouble for me were barely there if at all. That's what really f*cked me up for a while is how he was able to still continue acting all in love like he used to and carrying on another relationship with someone else. I dont understand how some people are capable of doing that... Ouch, sorry to hear that. In my case, she wasn't/isn't carrying on another relationship with someone else (at least not to my knowledge) but she told/tells me that she "loves" me, even though she just got done telling me a few days ago that she isn't "in love" with me?!? I think thats the worst part.
whatadeer26 Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Hindsight is 20/20. I didn't notice it until about 3 days before she needed a "Break".
shadow2213 Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Yeah I noticed the changes too and I did ask her If there was anything wrong and she would always say no. In the end I regret not listening to the little voice in my head telling me this wasn't working out earlier and that I should have ended it earlier instead of it ending the way it did. It feels like most of us put the blinders on when we notice these changes we don't want to believe what's going on so we try to push it aside, at least I did.
BeagleGal Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Thanks. Yeah I don't know what to make of that when someone says that to you. I think I rather that then find out you've been cheated on for the last few months of a relationship, that he got someone else pregnant while with you and had gotten engaged about 2 weeks after he left me. Like what the hell. And all the while acting like everything was still good between us. Ouch, sorry to hear that. In my case, she wasn't/isn't carrying on another relationship with someone else (at least not to my knowledge) but she told/tells me that she "loves" me, even though she just got done telling me a few days ago that she isn't "in love" with me?!? I think thats the worst part.
cookie2 Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is one of the most consistent things a cheating partner will say, apparently. http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/isdivorcethesolution/qt/notinlove.htm I was in MC so I knew things weren't exactly rosy. But I had no idea she was spreading her legs for another dude. In hindsight I can see the signs but at the time I wasn't really looking for them.
BeagleGal Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Surprisingly, I didnt get that line. When he broke up with me, my ex only really said that he didnt want to be in a relationship. Then, after we split, he kept feeding me false hope by telling me he couldnt see why down the road we couldnt buy a house, how after I move into my new place he'll still see me lots since we'll be going on dates, blah, blah, blah... Even when I look back now, there still were no signs or anything that jumps out that I should have been concerned about. He acted straight til the breakup or just shortly before. cookie2: I'm sorry your ex was a ho like mine was/is. "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is one of the most consistent things a cheating partner will say, apparently. http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/isdivorcethesolution/qt/notinlove.htm I was in MC so I knew things weren't exactly rosy. But I had no idea she was spreading her legs for another dude. In hindsight I can see the signs but at the time I wasn't really looking for them.
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