Californiadoll Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Broke up with the guy I was with for 2 years at the end of May. I tried to make it work but never really felt as if this guy was the one i'd end up with so I got over him...fast. Never got that "soul mate" feel you get in your gut. Went to a team softball meeting about a week and a half later...wasn't going to but thought "eh, what the heck", so I did. At the meeting, I was involved in a conversation with one of my gf's regarding my recent break up. Just as I was about to leave, one of the most beautiful men (and future teammate) I've ever seen approaches me and says he overheard me talking to my friend and said he's going through a break up as well. His advice to me was to not see him, talk to him, communicate, or encounter him in any way shape or form. So I did just that. As the weeks went on, our bond grew immensely. After our games, we'd go to grab some beers with the team and found ourselves involved in conversation for hours and hours. No one else existed in the room. We talked about our ex's and that lead to talking about music, and our goals, ambitions, dreams, hopes, fears, movies, humor...EVERYTHING. Even our pasts were similar. We both found out we had both been raised in a pretty rare religion. The connection established between the two of us consists of stuff you see in the movies. It wasn't just any connection...it was different. and deep. and undeniable. felt and admitted very much by both parties. Something I've only felt once before with one other person. it felt so good to get the butterflies again after so many years. he quickly introduced me to his friends and vice versa. everyone around us was excited to see the progression of a great foundation to a relationship. friends were coming up to me telling me how much he talked about me when I wasn't around and I found myself doing the same. I had let my guard down because I felt like it was going to be okay to. Like this could possibly be the guy I end up with. which I had never said about any other guy in my life. utter bliss. This is the part where you can stop being happy for me: (enter ex girlfriend). his ex comes back from a 3 week trip to Europe. I notice him distancing himself from me happens to coincide with her return. I let him have a bit of space and after a few days of not talking, I hit him up to get together. When we go out, everything is as it was before. Then he proceeds to tell me his ex is intimidated by me. he has told his ex several times about me and how him and I share the same goals and ambitions and pretty much have the same taste in EVERYTHING (it was scary). He tells me his ex thinks him and I will end up together. So i'm like...uh...okay, and? when 2 ppl are perfect for each other, that's what happens. Since then, it's been a friggin rollercoaster with him. He'd hit me up just like usual and then I wouldn't hear from him for a few days. His ex started showing up at ALL OF HIS SHOWS (he's a DJ and a local promoter) and everytime she would show up, there'd be drama. he even told her in advance via text message that he was bringing me to a show and was just giving her a fair warning and she still showed up and caused a big scene. This past Wednesday he texts me to come to his show that night...and that he could really use a smile cuz his ex was giving him a hard time all day, especially for hanging out with me. So I bought him his favorite bag of candy, stuck smiley face stickers all over it and attached a note that read: "you said you could use a smile. here's a few." when I got to his show, i went up and put it on his table. i went to go get a drink and he sent me a text message saying that his ex showed up eventhough she wasn't supposed to. I didn't think anything of it...afterall, I knew he liked me and was trying to get over her. On one of his breaks, I find him outside smoking a cigarette. He pulls me to the side of the bar and sits me down then proceeds to tell me in a nutshell: "You're an amazing girl and any guy would KILL to have you. On paper, you and I are perfect for each other. You are the logical choice for me but for some reason, I can't get that girl (his ex) outta my head. I miss her when she's not around and it sucks that she's drama but I think I like it. You're up here (points to head) but she's in here (points to heart). I know i'm a jerk and I'm sorry. I can't help the way I feel". Go ahead. Say it. "at least he's honest!". I know all of this. big deal. he's telling me the truth. but honesty doesn't soften the blow. especially from someone you're falling deeply in love with. I proceeded to tell him "Of course you haven't healed from her! She won't leave you alone! She's everywhere! She makes you miserable and I make you happy and you can't deny that! (he shakes his head yes). you're trading in gold for pennies and you know it. you're going to look back on this night one day and feel SOMETHING." He says "Regret?" and I said "i don't know, maybe" I start crying and he says to stick around till the end of his show so we can finish the conversation. I stick around, reluctantly, grab another drink, start dancing and he plays my song (ugh). at the end of the night, his ex leaves with a guy and him and I are left in the parking lot alone. he tells me he can't talk right now and another time would be better. after waiting so long for him to be done, I'm pissed he won't talk to me but i let him have his space and I walk away. I don't hear from him all day the next day until I finally hear from one of our mutual friends who just went out to dinner with him that he really likes me but just wants to be single for awhile and doesn't wanna lead me on and that he needs to get over his ex. I text him a few hours later and we both agree to give each other space and finish the conversation on Sunday (today). he's updated his Facebook a few times but hasn't tried contacting me at all. Not a text or anything. I have to face him on Tuesday because we play softball together a mutual business partner of ours wants to have a meeting with both of us so I'll have to face him eventually. but honestly, I'm SO hurting inside. Why the lack of consideration for my feelings? after everything we went through and built and established and felt for each other, how is it so easy for him to drop me like a ton of bricks? should I let him have his space and hope he wises up and drops the ex and comes back to me? without sounding dillusional, I have such an unbelievable attraction to this guy , I can't explain it. I wish I didn't but I do. I see soul mate potential in him and something is telling me to have patience and not to give up....if it were any other dude, his ass would be out the door (believe that!) but it's not. It's him. And I can't help the way I feel either. am I wasting time? should I move on and hope he comes back? do guys mature and wise up and see their mistakes eventually? or is this a lost cause?
cleverpartner Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 First things first. This guy is smart, and you should revert back to the first time you saw him and his own advice. He told you to "avoid" your ex and try to stay away from him at all costs. Is he doing the same? What was the drama about that you mentioned she caused at the party/club? Being around someone you broke up with can be a roll-a-coaster ride, especially if someone else is involved. You cannot substitute new feelings for an old fire that you know. He is right in telling you the truth from the get go and ask for some space. Guys do not like a woman interfering in his personal affairs especially if you are not a well known long time friend. He has one agenda, and it is either that he wants to work out his feelings with his ex, and be in the center of attention and drama, or he wants to get her out of his emotional space and end it before starting anything serious with you. In order to know which, you can approach the situation proactively. Let him know that you truly care for him and need him to let you know if you should wait for a while and see how things go or if he needs you to move on. There's no need to wait passively and not do anything, with a bigger chance of being hurt after the wait. Only you know the feeling you have and if he is not feeling the same way, you need to take that into consideration so you do not open yourself up to more pain later on.
meerkat stew Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Sorry you are in this situation. What you describe is essentially a "dual rebound" situation, and it is unclear that you two were actually dating, in fact it's unclear that there was any real romantic involvement on his end. It also seems that this has been going on for a relatively short time (2.5 months?) More detail is needed in that respect. Was he asking you out and taking you on dates? Was there physical involvement between you two? Was there discussion of you two as an item coming from him and not just his ex? Based on what you write, you should just suck it up and wear a game face going forward in dealings with this guy. Write him off as any potential relationship until he approaches you and asks you out directly MONTHS from now, after both of you have had a chance to recover from your prior relationships. The softball season shouldn't have all that much time left, so this shouldn't be too problematic. It seems you got your expectations a bit too high too fast, which is why it's a good idea to avoid relationships or the possibility of attachments for some time upon leaving a long term relationship. In the wake of a relationship, we may be more fragile than we realize. Given some recovery time, you would likely be taking this much more in stride and cultivating other opportunities. Best wishes getting this sorted out.
Recommended Posts