Trainwreck83 Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 To keep it simple...my husband was a real jacka** so we separated about a year ago and I had an affair with a coworker. We fell in love and I lived with him for a while. I wanted a divorce but I was really nervous about rash life decisions. I lied to OM about how quickly it was going to come because I didn't want him to leave me. I lied to H about OM (like I kept him hidden). Now everything has come full circle and I have been found out for all my lies and so I came clean on EVERYTHING. Felt awesome because the lies were killing me and I'm glad it happened. H wants a divorce because I told him in front of OM that I want OM. I think he would consider reconciling if I made it clear OM and I were over but I don't think I want that, even if OM and I don't get back in a relationship. (He is extremely mad that I lied.) my family says they will never accept OM and they will hate him forever and if I choose him then I will have to give up my family. I am 23 OM is 27(and single) and H is 24. There are no kids involved anywhere. Does anyone think OM and I could work in the long term after all of this mess? We are perfect together--I've never experienced anything like the love I have for him. But can a relationship survive after deceit like this? I really wish I could take back the lies and I hate myself for it. I will never hurt him again--he is all I want forever. Also scared I'm going to crash and burn one day if OM and I get back together and end tragically and I've sacrificed my family and didn't even attempt to work on my (abusive) marriage...which lasted 8 months before I separated. I don't want to add too many details in this OP for the sake of anonymity but will be happy to clarify upon request
BB07 Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 If your husband was truly abusive, then good riddance. Be glad that you got out and don't look back. Men like that do not change and you shouldn't even be thinking about giving him another chance. Do you realize that you need to give yourself time to heal from that? As for your OM, it's possible, but it sounds like you have a lot of odds stacked against you. It will be very tough, especially with your family not supporting you. BTW......do they want you to stay married to a man who is abusive? You also mentioned that the OM was very upset with you about the lies, if he is not going to give you another chance, then it's a moot point, right?
Author Trainwreck83 Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 The OM is mad at me but he says he completely understands why and knows he can get past it. I'm completely transparent so no one really seems to be worried that that behavior will continue. It was wrong...but in this particular situation it was extremely logical. It'd take me a year to explain all the many forces acting in this so just take that on face value. My family did want me to give h another chance...major reason why I was constantly questioning yhe d. Anyway...what I wish I would have done is told OM hey I want to see where this goes but I have to do the right thing and take care of my home situation first and cut off contact until that was done. But I didn't. So I decided to go NC with him until it is done this time around. It's obviously not going to have the same effect, but I guess better late than never. He says that is very respectable and that he is happy to see that I'm learning from my mistakes. It's going to be incredibly painful because he is my best friend and it's going to kill me to not talk to him but I think in the end it is the right thing. I think it could also provide a chance for a clean slate for us to put the time in between and maybe someday someone will look back and say yeah they messed up big time but at least in the end they tried to do right. Maybe I'll be able to salvage some tiny shred of dignity. Any thoughts?
Author Trainwreck83 Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 Please DO NOT QUOTE my threads. I would like to be able to delete them later. Posting online scares me because a lot of what I say is private thoughts that I only want to share anonymously.
jennie-jennie Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 You can not delete what you write on Loveshack. Only the moderator has that power.
Ellin Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Hi, Trainwreck83. You don't give many details in your posts so I don't think your privacy is in much danger. I think it is a right thing to do to get out of an abusive marriage and if your family don't accept that than it's pretty sad, but they give you no choice but to act against their wishes. I also think you should stop beating yourself up and feeling so guilty. I understand why you did what you did. None of us is perfect and we make mistakes, and when we face very difficult situations sometimes we have no choice but act in a less than perfect way - especially when we have someone abusive in the picture. Please forgive yourself. What you did is not that bad really and since then you've done your best to repair any damage. I understand you and - more importantly - your OM does. If you're that good together this is all that matters. He is the one you're going to live with so the most important thing is the quality of your R with him. It's easy to say I wish I had done x or y but we only can do what we think is best IN THE SITUATION. We can see how we could have acted IN HINDSIGHT but this is when we have knowledge we didn't have at the time. I believe there can be a happy ending and I hope you do your best from now on. I wish you lots of luck and happiness. You sound like a lovely person and you deserve it.
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