Not sure I can move on while we play "friends"

[sweetyboo33]

Hi everyone - I'm brand new to this forum and am very glad it exists!

 

My ex-boyfriend broke up with me 2 months ago and I'm having a very difficult time moving on (sounds similar to a lot of stories on here). I am not sure of the exact reason other than he just got tired of our arguments. However, I felt that I was blindsided a bit because he would always tell me how special I was and how blessed he was to have me in his life and how I was an angel to him, etc. He'd really make me believe he was happy with me. He would also talk about a future with me all the time and even mentioned it to both our parents. There were only a few times that he brought up during an argument about how some things needed to change (nothing too major I thought...just typical couple growing pains). So, our relationship wasn't perfect. What one is though? We always said to each other we'd stay together and work through anything. We felt like we had really found our soulmate. I guess something drastically changed in a matter of days or weeks though. He began to pull back and resent me for having to talk every day on the phone and see each other every weekend since we didn't see each other during the week. He'd snap at me over petty stuff. Granted, he also stopped taking depression meds cold turkey as well as missed out on a huge job opportunity that he had been excited about, so was unemployed for a few weeks right before the breakup. He hit a very depression period it seemed. He didn't have a lot of support or stability either at the time. He was in transition, at a crossroads, confused, and feeling hopeless. He had also been in recovery for addictions (3+ years) and changed his life around as a result, but I've heard addicts can be "runners" when things get tough. I told him I'd be there for him and stay by his side no matter what because I loved him. I think those factors played a role, but he really made it sound like I had a ton of things to work on and that the breakup was my fault. It really sucked and I ended up falling into a lot of self-blame and depression even though now I believe the downward spiral of our relationship was two-sided. There were things we both could have done and led to issues. But I still don't understand why they couldn't have just been addressed.

 

He said he wanted to still be friends. In fact, he agreed to see me the day after we broke up so he could go with me to a meeting we had talked about going to for awhile together. Things were oddly great that night we saw each other. We were smiling, talking, and holding hands like nothing had changed. I should probably mention that the break-up was over the phone the night before...yes, phone. Lame. I didn't give him too hard a time about it though. I'm too nice to do that. Anyway, so during that last night we saw each other, we had our closure, said a painful goodbye, etc. I almost didn't want to believe that we had broken up and maybe he would change his mind after that night, but no. The decision remained. It was so hard to leave him that night. He said he'd call me in a week, which he did. After that, I was the one to reach out to him - I commented after he changed his Facebook relationship status and removed all of our pictures within a week of the breakup. It hurt me so much when he did that. I wasn't mean about it, just let him know I noticed and was hurt by it. Then we didn't talk for a few weeks. I was in such a depressive state afterwards. I broke down and called him. Great conversation. He said he had thought about calling me, but it just always got put off. A month passed without any contact on either side, except for him commenting on my Facebook status once. I sent him a text to say hi and say I hope he is doing well. He called me a few hours later and I let it go to voicemail. I called him back later that night and we had another good conversation for a few hours. He again said he had been meaning to call me, but I beat him to it. Again, I wonder if he was just saying that or even if he was thinking about it, why didn't he call?? He has plenty of time on his hands right now. I wish he would see how good we can be based on our conversations and decide to reconcile. It hurts that he doesn't. I never yell at him or fought him on the breakup decision, etc. I've been very amicable and have given space. He mentioned during the conversation that he is doing a lot of the things we had talked about doing together as a couple - joining a church and small group, being involved in service activities, etc....all at the church we were attending together during our entire relationship. So, even though I was happy for him, I was still hurt that he was living out our dreams. I also noticed that he is back on the dating website that we met on. It hadn't even been two months and I felt he was ready to just give up hope for us reconciling even after all the talk of a future with me. He is ready to find someone else. When I mentioned I saw him on it, he played it off like he doesn't really check it but just did it out of boredom one day. Does he think I'm dumb, really?? Geez. Maybe he was just caught off guard and trying to spare my feelings, but still. Just man up and be honest with me. Either way, it hurts me to know he is on there again. He has obviously moved on. I feel like I've gotten to a better place than I was when we first broke up, but still have a long ways to go. I have my good days and bad days. I still think about him daily. I try to resist texting, emailing, and calling him regularly and usually am good about that for a few weeks at a time. He probably doesn't even realize the extent of the pain I'm still in though. I try to sound positive when we talk so he doesn't think I'm groveling since it appears that he doesn't miss me and has moved on.

 

I've been thinking lately about whether it's healthy for me to continue communicating with him. We probably won't randomly have to see each other again since we live in different states, but still 45 min. apart. So, that is good. But I check his Facebook several times a day and I know that whenever he gets into a relationship again and I see his status change and pics posted, I'll be heartbroken. I'm still so in love with him. I can't imagine him being with anyone else and now that he is on a dating site again, I have to think about him meeting someone in the near future. It hurts so bad. I mean, maybe I should e-mail him and explain to him that we shouldn't communicate anymore so that I can heal, detach and fully move on (if that's possible) and then also delete him from Facebook. Both of those would be EXTREMELY hard to do and I'm not sure I have the courage to do so. I know it will make me more depressed at least initially even if it might be better in the long-term...maybe? I guess I just still have hope that if I stay in his life, he'll realize that he has access to me if he decides he wants to reconcile and rekindle what we had. I feel like if I walk out of his life, he'll forget about me and REALLY move on and not think twice ever about getting back together. He'll feel it's a more permanent move that way. I guess I still am holding onto the dreams we had together and am afraid to let them go even if I meet other guys. I'm crying as I type this just thinking about that. I wish this was easier. I've been through breakups before, but I've always either had a major falling out with them, which made it easier to get over them or I found a new guy right away to take my mind off them. With this one guy, I just can't seem to do that.

 

Even if I don't get any responses, thank you for letting me vent and for reading. I just need others who are going through the same or similar because while my family and friends are supportive and encouraging, they are probably tired of hearing about it and not sure what to say anymore.

 

Thanks so much again and my prayers go out to all the users of this board.

Edited August 15, 2010 by sweetyboo33

[TaraMaiden]

Nope. being friends never works.

Please read caliguy's link in my signature.

 

That's what you should do.

Take it to heart, live by it, and do what you have to do.

[Username37]

If you're trying to move on, friendship is not the way to go. My ex wants to be friends. Screw that! I'm not gonna be demoted.

 

Don't accept friendship. My prayers go to you. Good luck

[smk]

hey sorry for what happened...

 

like everyone here says being friends whilst trying to move on doesnt work - and this is coming from the horses mouth - i tried being friends for 9 weeks and all it did was set me back - when she would tell of all the things she was getting up to whilst i was still pining for her then last friday i finally pulled the plug on that and told her that i could be friends if i truly wanted to move on...

 

dont do it - you may find it hard at first but you will thank yourself later on...

 

be strong and take care

[sweetyboo33]

Thank you all SO much for your responses! I realize what probably needs to be done, but why am I so incredibly weak to where I can't say one final goodbye email to him to cut ties and then delete everything - his Facebook, number, email, chat, etc. Ugh...so hard!! I don't feel strong enough and am scared of regrets or hurting him. Cue Kelly Clarkson's "All I Ever Wanted"...

[TaraMaiden]

Cut to the crux of the matter:

Don't email him, or advise him you're doing anything, or say goodbye.

 

Just do it.

he will get the message soon enough.

 

The reason you want to do it, is because you feel it would be rude, or uncivil not to.

Surely, politeness and courtesy dictates you should at least make that final gesture?

 

In this case, it would be a bad idea. Truly, it would.

You see, you're not doing this for his benefit.

You're doing it for yours. And your benefit means being just a little bit selfish.

because the longer you think about doing it, and the longer you think about making contact - the longer it will take you to move on, and place yourself in a position of healing and getting on with your life.

 

Fear of hurting him should be the last priority you have.

Much as I understand how it might go against the grain - please trust me: It's for the best.

 

He did a lot in the relationship to project his problems onto you, and to make you feel responsible for a whole load of stuff that actually was his baggage to carry.

 

you owe him nothing.

you owe yourself a quick end to this.

Delete everything, and cut him off at the knees.

Go No Contact straight away - and let him do the figuring out.

 

If he has a single gram of intelligence, it shouldn't take long.

 

This is not where you need the strength, by the way.

You will need all your strength - and perhaps some of ours - when he starts yanking your chain.

 

And he will.......

[chooch]

Thank you all SO much for your responses! I realize what probably needs to be done, but why am I so incredibly weak to where I can't say one final goodbye email to him to cut ties and then delete everything - his Facebook, number, email, chat, etc. Ugh...so hard!! I don't feel strong enough and am scared of regrets or hurting him. Cue Kelly Clarkson's "All I Ever Wanted"...

 

No need for a final goodbye. Will only make it harder. Sever the ties now, make it clean (i.e. get everything you listed), get rid of all memories and move on...

 

It's a hard road but it's got to start somewhere

[BiAxident]

No need for a final goodbye. Will only make it harder. Sever the ties now, make it clean (i.e. get everything you listed), get rid of all memories and move on...

 

It's a hard road but it's got to start somewhere

 

Agreed. When I was in the process of moving out of the townhouse I shared with my X, I often worried/thought "what will our final goodbye be like? It's going to be so hard. The memory will haunt me forever."

 

In the end, there was no "final goodbye". We saw each other a final time, of course, but I dont think she was aware that it was going to be the last time, or that I was going to initiate NC on her. In retrospect, I'm glad I didn't have to deal with that final goodbye. Having the last time I saw her not be special made it a lot easier.

[sweetyboo33]

I did it. I cut ties with him...deleted him from Facebook along with all his friends and family that I knew. I DID end up writing him about it, but not so much for his benefit, but because I'm the type of person that just needs to clear the air and get closure from situations. So, I wrote him a lot of what had been on my heart since the breakup, but that I had brushed under the rug, so to speak. I also just explained why I wanted to do what I was doing. I don't expect a response, but for me, that was my way of getting off my chest what needed to be said. Maybe it will make him think about things HE did wrong rather than thinking a lot was my fault. And maybe he can learn from it and do things differently in the future. Who knows. I also have the closure I needed to actually shut the door. So, I'm glad I wrote it to initiate the NC with him. It took me forever to hit send, but with the help of some amazing, supportive, and encouraging friends, I was able to hit the send button. I was CRUSHED right after I sent it and cried and cried. Then after awhile, I just felt such a peace rush over me and felt that chains that were holding me back had been broken off. I was free. I knew then that I had made the right decision. I'm ready to move forward with my life into a place of total healing without looking back. Sure, I'll miss him a LOT, especially initially, but this will be so worth it in long run I'm sure. Thanks for the advice today!