Hold fast Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Dear LoveShack, Last week I posted in 'Breaking up' but the the answers,well all two of them didn't seem to 'get me', so maybe I didn't post well. I will relay my story here and trust that I will meet some kindered spirits, I'd love to, I really would. I am in in 9 year relationship, it has run aground, I have told my partner this but he has gone ahead and bought a house recently, I'm unsue if he bravely hopes it will bring us togther or isn't hearing what I am saying. My predominant issue is a married man I am having a relationship with. It is three months old but we have known each other for almost four years. My gut instict is that long term we are to be together but short term me is to go through a lot of c~~p. I know this may sound bonkers but don't you sometimes just have such an undying faith in something without reason, I do, I know it may leave me punched in the stomach that I am bearing myself raw but I have the urge to go plough on regardless. My MM is nine years older he has a son of 14 and says he is in the wrong marriage but don't they all. We spent Friday together, I had a phone call at two yesterday sayinh he loved me but nowt since. Last night I was betwenn a menember of the BNP and a neightbour, held by the wrists, he knows this but he called me to say his son had a been robbed of a bag of chips (am posting from England chips are important) and he was angry and upset and who could he call but me, yet it first me heard from him all day. I said I undertood and I realised he needed to talk to me but relly is was all a bit silly and not after 24 hours what me wanted to hear. Simply after a long pause he said I need to compose myself bye. I am asking where am I am, my belief in the long term is unfalletering but how do I get thert...? I dunno, heellllp.
bestplayer Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Dear LoveShack, Last week I posted in 'Breaking up' but the the answers,well all two of them didn't seem to 'get me', so maybe I didn't post well. I will relay my story here and trust that I will meet some kindered spirits, I'd love to, I really would. I am in in 9 year relationship, it has run aground, I have told my partner this but he has gone ahead and bought a house recently, I'm unsue if he bravely hopes it will bring us togther or isn't hearing what I am saying. My predominant issue is a married man I am having a relationship with. It is three months old but we have known each other for almost four years. My gut instict is that long term we are to be together but short term me is to go through a lot of c~~p. I know this may sound bonkers but don't you sometimes just have such an undying faith in something without reason, I do, I know it may leave me punched in the stomach that I am bearing myself raw but I have the urge to go plough on regardless. My MM is nine years older he has a son of 14 and says he is in the wrong marriage but don't they all. We spent Friday together, I had a phone call at two yesterday sayinh he loved me but nowt since. Last night I was betwenn a menember of the BNP and a neightbour, held by the wrists, he knows this but he called me to say his son had a been robbed of a bag of chips (am posting from England chips are important) and he was angry and upset and who could he call but me, yet it first me heard from him all day. I said I undertood and I realised he needed to talk to me but relly is was all a bit silly and not after 24 hours what me wanted to hear. Simply after a long pause he said I need to compose myself bye. I am asking where am I am, my belief in the long term is unfalletering but how do I get thert...? I dunno, heellllp. Its simple , tell your partner that you are in love with someone else & have been seeing him . Make it absolutely clear that there is no hope , so that your bf can let you go . Then you are free to pursue your affair with MM . Best of lucks
piscis Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Hi Hold past. I have some thoughts. Hope they make you think on them: If you are in a bad R do not commit more, talk to your BF if you want to make things better and if you can great if you do not, well IMO you should thank for the memories and move on. About the MM please read LS posts as much as you can an realize the rollercoaster you are going to start if you persue that R. I recommend for you a fresh start maybe concentrate on yourself for a while and then decide, but being with a MM is not the best idea. Anyway keep posting
pureinheart Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Hi HF...and welcome to the forum... Having just been through this can tell you that there is only as much crap as you allow...sometimes things go easy and sometimes they are quite difficult concerning D. With that, should you continue to persue this man, or allow him in your life....distance yourself from his D....this is his M and his D, should he follow though with it. You made no mention of D in particular, although it was an inference, or a direction in which the R could go. I am hitting heavy on the D end of it because of my last R. It was priddy rough on all parties, but the D would have happened with or without me...in my case only, I should have not gotten as involved as I did as I had my own stuff to deal with and actually we were two broken people trying to fix each other and we both ran out of steam. Hey...keep posting, your in the right place!
Author Hold fast Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 Thank you for your replies. I am trying to keep the issues separate and my mind clear but I am so confused by MM, since he said he had to go and compose himself I've received only one text saying good night and that he understood. What does he understand? Are we over? I replied that I loved him and would wait for him but if he was using me as third leg to stabilise his marriage he had to say so. Was this wrong? Did this show a lack of faith in us? I don't know where I am and there is nothing I can do just wait to see if he contacts me and where that leaves us. Arggh.
Author Hold fast Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 Now he has texted saying I have given him lots to think about, that he is not going to string me along, that he is tired of pressure, he doesn't know how things are going to go at home, his dream situation is with me but I am a committment and I have a need and expectation and that he needs space to work things out and see how they develop. I am sorry to be rabbiting on posting on here but I am just sat here in tears, I don't want to lose him I don't know what to do, I feel sick and isolated. I think it sounds like he is going to dump me. I don't know did I do wrong saying what I said yesterday on the phone. Ooooh
Silly_Girl Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Now he has texted saying I have given him lots to think about, that he is not going to string me along, that he is tired of pressure, he doesn't know how things are going to go at home, his dream situation is with me but I am a committment and I have a need and expectation and that he needs space to work things out and see how they develop. I am sorry to be rabbiting on posting on here but I am just sat here in tears, I don't want to lose him I don't know what to do, I feel sick and isolated. I think it sounds like he is going to dump me. I don't know did I do wrong saying what I said yesterday on the phone. Ooooh KEEP posting, do keep posting. It's healthy. So, maybe you should tackle ONE situation at a time. It always seems so emotionally-charged and urgent. But really, what you do in the next 2 or 10 or 24 hours is not about to change the whole course of your life. Slow it down a bit. Firstly, your H. Tell us about this relationship first. How has the relationship progressed? Is it a fundamentally happy and relaxed dynamic? How does he feel about you? How do you feel about him? Have you had any major roadbumps? Does your H know you did not want to buy a house with him (it is a joint purchase, I take it?)? Does your H have any clue about MM? How are the 2 of you interacting on a daily basis?
Author Hold fast Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 I can tell you about my long term relationship, he's my boyfriend though, not husband. We don't row etc we have simply drifted apart and now are really just companions. I don't think this can be made better becasue we actuallly just drifted together too. I have been honest about the house purchase and said I don't know how much longer we will last but he asked if I would try living there and I said I would becasue I've nothing to lose really, he is paying the deposit and we wlll share the mortgage and have already discussed that if I leave he will pay back my contribution. He is a good man and deserves someone who can love him. So really I don't see this relationship as an issue I think I've started to deal with and have a loose plan which may or may not work out. I understand going from one relationship to another is not a wise move and my MM and I have spoken about both spending some time alone when we finally leave, so I guess we are trying to be sensible in a tricky situation. What is bothering me is his overthinking. I have not been demanding, I never expected him to leave home, he started to put that idea in my head I don't know where his text has come from, yesterday was the first time I have criticised him and he has taken that as demands. I don't know. Ug.
Silly_Girl Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 I can tell you about my long term relationship, he's my boyfriend though, not husband. We don't row etc we have simply drifted apart and now are really just companions. I don't think this can be made better becasue we actuallly just drifted together too. I have been honest about the house purchase and said I don't know how much longer we will last but he asked if I would try living there and I said I would becasue I've nothing to lose really, he is paying the deposit and we wlll share the mortgage and have already discussed that if I leave he will pay back my contribution. He is a good man and deserves someone who can love him. So really I don't see this relationship as an issue I think I've started to deal with and have a loose plan which may or may not work out. I understand going from one relationship to another is not a wise move and my MM and I have spoken about both spending some time alone when we finally leave, so I guess we are trying to be sensible in a tricky situation. What is bothering me is his overthinking. I have not been demanding, I never expected him to leave home, he started to put that idea in my head I don't know where his text has come from, yesterday was the first time I have criticised him and he has taken that as demands. I don't know. Ug. Have you and bf tried any couples counselling? Have you sat down and talked about what the problems might be? If this relationship HAS run it's course, what is your next step. With regards this situation I mean. Where will you move to? When will you explain to your bf that things are definitely over? How do you think he will take that? How long might it take for him to repay you? Are you sure he is in a position to do so? I feel you do need to have fully explored all of this, and more, before you can even consider what sort of a position you will be in, in the short-term future, and how a relationship with MM might influence/be linfluenced by that.
bestplayer Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 I can tell you about my long term relationship, he's my boyfriend though, not husband. We don't row etc we have simply drifted apart and now are really just companions. I don't think this can be made better becasue we actuallly just drifted together too. I have been honest about the house purchase and said I don't know how much longer we will last but he asked if I would try living there and I said I would becasue I've nothing to lose really, he is paying the deposit and we wlll share the mortgage and have already discussed that if I leave he will pay back my contribution. He is a good man and deserves someone who can love him. So really I don't see this relationship as an issue I think I've started to deal with and have a loose plan which may or may not work out. I understand going from one relationship to another is not a wise move and my MM and I have spoken about both spending some time alone when we finally leave, so I guess we are trying to be sensible in a tricky situation. What is bothering me is his overthinking. I have not been demanding, I never expected him to leave home, he started to put that idea in my head I don't know where his text has come from, yesterday was the first time I have criticised him and he has taken that as demands. I don't know. Ug. ..He is a good man and deserves someone who can love him. ... Does this good man know that you are having an affair and you are planning to dump him for MM ? If not , then you are not being honest with him .
In_Repair Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Hold fast, I think you need to step back and look at this situation a little closer before you go any further. First thing first... you told him that you didn't want to just be an OW, and he responded by telling you that he now had lots to think about... seems like a red flag to me, and his initial intention was to only have you as something on the side. I know that some people on this forum take offense to the term "affair fog", but I don't see it as an insult. I think it's a nicer way of stating the obvious when an AP is so wrapped up their affair that they abandon rational thought and or decency. In your opening post you spoke about forging ahead with something even though you know it is wrong, and even knowing that it will come back later to leave you "punched in the stomach"... it's all fine and dandy to take risks like that when they only affect your life. I think it would be very very selfish to move in with your BF, keep seeing your MM without your BF knowing, and then expect to recoup your living costs once you walk out on the BF. I doubt he would agree to paying you that money if he knew you were already seeing another man. So, here you are: screwing yourself over, screwing over your boyfriend - both emotionally and financially, wanting to force your MM's hand, and getting ready to participate in the emotional destruction of his family... over something that you know makes no sense and will eventually come back to bite you in the ass.
Author Hold fast Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 I didn't hear anything all day until now and he has just sent me a normal text asking what kind of a day I have had and telling me he did DIY and will be doing so for rest of week, his wife is around so it is had to text,he will be in touch on Thursday. What? I am so hurt, first of all why a normal text, he had said he wanted space to think so I thought he woud be coming back to me with some decisions and what is this rubbish about Thursday, I complained about his lack of contact so he decides to contact me less. What what what????? Fell so awful just crying and confused.
In_Repair Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 I didn't hear anything all day until now and he has just sent me a normal text asking what kind of a day I have had and telling me he did DIY and will be doing so for rest of week, his wife is around so it is had to text,he will be in touch on Thursday. What? I am so hurt, first of all why a normal text, he had said he wanted space to think so I thought he woud be coming back to me with some decisions and what is this rubbish about Thursday, I complained about his lack of contact so he decides to contact me less. What what what????? Fell so awful just crying and confused. Don't feel awful, get angry... with him and yourself. Then, stop crying and get on with your life. There is nothing to be confused about either. He is showing you how he expects things to be dealt with between you two. He probably has plenty of drama at home to keep him busy, and his woman on the side is supposed to be there to make him feel better and help him escape reality, not pile more of the same crap onto it by acting like wife #2. It's just the nature of the beast. Get in where you fit in, or walk away.
lilbunny Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 I think I 'get' you and suspect we are from the same neck of the woods, I am following the chips/BNP story and you used nowt somewhere as well. If it is a joint mortgage he will have to buy you out or sell, but if you have been in less than a year you won't have touched the interest, let alone paid anything off. If it is solely in his name he technically doesn't owe you a penny and anything he does give you is good will, which may well dry up if he finds out what has been going on. That said if it ain't right get out of there asap. Regardless of your MM I think it sounds like you want out of that relationship. Ask yourself, if this other bloke wasn't on the scene would you still want to leave? Is it really about this man or are you looking for an escape route from your present situation? If you have already walked it at least gives you the moral high ground if you want to move things forward with the mm. I think as someone else has already said be prepared for a ride on the crazy train if you decide to continue. My advice is to say what you mean and mean what you say. Give him time to think and be sure, but know how long you are willing to wait and don't be frightened to walk away if that time passes and you are getting nowhere. Oh and all of that is loads easier said than done mate!
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