4givrnt4gtr Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 So, my boyfriend of 5 months and I had to start long distance, at least for a year. Its not that bad of a distance, just two hours away from each other. I plan to see him every week, hopefully. However we miss each other a lot...actually being away from him made me realize how much i love him and want him in my life. He is missing me a lot too, and I think its a bit harder for him (by my own personal experience since I was in his position last year with someone else) because he stayed back while Im enjoying a new location, meeting new people and making a new life. This past week a friend of mine came to visit and stay with me for a few days. We've been going to the beach, hanging out, just enjoying the last bit of summer. I think about my man every minute and I often text him, but Im still having fun. He on the other hand, is just back in our original city, going about mundane things and dealing with every day stress without any "fun" breaks. He texted me yesterday saying he was a bit depressed because I wasn't around and missed me a lot. I said I missed him too and I couldn't wait to see him this coming week. After that email my friend and I continued with our day at the beach, then came home and she decided she wanted to go out to a lounge or a club. We got ready and went to downtown were its all kinds of clubs and stuff. We had such a good time. I hardly ever go out since I got over it after college, and though I still hate the whole dress up/painful heels/way too crowded clubs, i still had a lot of fun. Still, I kept my boyfriend in mind all night and texted him a few times. The point of this rambling is that I feel guilty that Im having fun while he sounds so bored and sad. I was thinking about what I was going to tell him about last night, how we got "scouted" to get into clubs as VIPs in the middle of the street for three clubs, how my friend met a guy, how I danced and joked...and then I realized that might not be a good idea cuz he might feel left out. What do you guys think? Should I keep the details to myself and just mentioned we went out or is it ok for me to tell him all the fun stuff we did? I'm leaning towards the not so much detail idea, but id like to know what you guys think.
bunnixkisses Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 IDK if this will help you at all, but I kinda deal with the same thing. My bf goes out of town every other week or so, for a week at a time. He gets really nervous that I am going to find someone else when he's gone and blah blah. I make sure I text him as must as I normally do, and if HE ASKS i am completely honest about what I do. Of course I don't put myself in situations where there is a possibility I could cheat (if I couldn't control myself or something, like if i got really drunk or something) or places that he specificially asks me not to go. He has a lot of fun when he's gone, and it kinda makes me feel bad sometimes. When I'm at home dealing with "life" and I am having a bad day or whatever, I want to be around him and I can't. So I think sometimes I just start resenting him because I am having a crappy day, and he's enjoying life. (Even though I know he shouldn't have to have a crappy day because I do) It's simply the fact that I miss him, makes it that much worse. And it's likewise the other way around I would feel bad too if I was in your shoes, and it just proves that you are a good person and you love him. Put yourself in his shoes. You guys haven't been dating THAT long, and you are off meeting new people and enjoying life. He's at home doing the same ole same ole. He's probably a little jealous of all the fun you're having AND a little nervous he'll lose you. I mean, long distance relationships are VERY difficult!! I would talk to him about what he's doing, how he's doing, how much you miss him and etc. Tell him about your life, but I wouldn't focus on the "fun" thing you're doing, unless he asks or he seems excited for you. Focus on things that make him feel important and special in your life, like work, school, living stuff...THOSE things he wants to listen too...but the fun stuff..he wants to be a part of, and he cant!
lordWilhelm Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Yes, I think you have the right idea there. I think it's really thoughtful of you that you're not going "to rub it in his face" that you've been having so much fun these days, but at the same time it's good not to hide anything either. So as you intend to do, just casually mention that you went out and that it was fun but without going into the specifics -- if he's interested and wants to know more then he'll ask and then you can oblige and hopefully he'll be excited for you. But like the previous poster mentioned, in general it's probably better to focus on the things that are important -- school, work, family -- and if you have good communication about those things, I'm sure he'll be happy to share in the fun details as well. It's very important when you're not together that he doesn't feel that he's missing a lot between the dots because that can give rise to uncertainty and feelings of jealousy. But by the way, if my girlfriend was going to clubs a lot when I wasn't around I wouldn't feel terribly good about it. So as long as you don't make a habit of partying it up, and have strong boundaries with other guys, then sounds to me like you're on the right track.
stace79 Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 I agree with what the other two replies said, too. It sounds like you have very good intentions, and it's understandable that he is lonely or maybe a bit envious of this fun, new life you're leading. But the fact that you are insistent you want him to be part of it, even while you're able to have a good time, is a great sign for your relationship. If you get to talking about his slight depressed attitude, maybe suggest some things that would be fun for him. Continue what you're already doing -- text him and call him a lot to assure him you're still able to have a good time but miss him and think of him often. It takes a ton of self-confidence to be in a LDR (probably why I struggle, haha). But I think you are making every good attempt to do things right and work through this with him. Hopefully he can reciprocate.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 Thank you for your replies. As it happened, I ended up telling him what I did with my friend that night only because I felt that not telling him implied I did something bad. Ofcourse he wasn't too pleased to hear i went to a club mostly because Ive swore up and down I hate clubs and never go to them. But other than that, he said he was glad I had fun. Still I could hear in his voice he was less than happy. I finally came back to visit him yesterday, and, while I was SO excited to see him, he opened the door with the saddest face Ive ever seen. I kept asking him what was wrong and he wouldn't tell me. Long story short after a LOOOOOT of reassurance, kisses and i miss yous he finally came out saying he felt like he had nothing going on in his life. That he just realized I was the center of his life and now that Im gone he had nothing while I still go out and have fun. He assured me he was glad I had fun, but he realized that while, in the horrible case of us breaking up, I would shake it off and go on with my life, he would be completely devastated and that depressed him. I reassured him that although I did have fun, i missed him like crazy, that every day apart from him made me more sure how much i hate being away and I would definitely just "shake it off" if things didn't work out. I did however encourage him to build up his life, meet new friends, go out, get busy etc. I also told him that despite the distance and how much "fun" i may have doing other things, it would never be the fun I have when I am with him. That actually did the trick. Somehow the fog was lifted and his amazing smile and laughter came back. I swear I thank God for having placed me in his shoes last year. I know how it feels to be left behind, to not be able to fully participate in the other's new life. And I also learn how to NOT respond and how to NOT push him even further away. In any case, thanks for the responses...this LDR business is touughhh!
D-Lish Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Just never disclose irrelevant info that could make him jealous- there's no point in doing that. You didn't do anything wrong by going out- you are faithful, and you aren't doing anything wrong. You can't be expected to sit at home alone miserable because he is feeling sad and depressed. That would be totally unfair to you! It would also be unfair of him to expect it.
lordWilhelm Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 It's good that you took the trouble to talk it out in detail in with him. Seems like you guys connected very well around this, and if you cut too much on the details it can feel like you're leaving something out.
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