gogarth Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Hi there, I'm hoping to get a few recommendations on books about how best to reconcille with an ex. I haven't posted about this most recent relationship, but here's a quick recap. I was in a committed, long-term relationship - we lived together for about 10 months, and everything was going great until my ex-bf was laid off. It hit him very hard because he lost the short-term job security as well as his long-term benefits. I had a job and was willing and able to support us, but he wouldn't hear any of it. He started saying things like we were too different...that I had a successful career and he couldn't find another job; that I owned a home and he didn't, etc. As he pull away emotionally, I asked him if he wants to break up. He said he didn't know, but he doesn't see a future any more. So I broke up with him and moved out within a week. I still loved him, but he was starting to say hurtful things, and I didn't want the relationship to end like that. I told him that I wanted to stick by him and be supportive, but he was doing everything he could to push me away, so ending it before things got ugly is for the best. He was shocked. We've had zero contact for 4 months until he text me recently. We've met up twice, and the attraction is still there. He said he has a new job, and the time away made him rethink things. He was sorry that he let his ego get in the way, and he misses me and wants to get back together. I still love him, but I wonder if he truly can change in 4 months. I'm worried that he'll have another melt down when he hits the next bump in the road. I've always trusted him, but now I have major trust issues even though he has never cheated on me. I just worry that he'll walk out again when he feels bad. He said he's willing to do whatever it takes to "earn my trust back." I still love him, and would like to work on the relationship if it can be salvaged. Can anyone recommend a book on how best to reconcille with an ex? I'm not looking for a book about how to get your ex back...I'm more interested in books that talk about how you repair the relationship once you do decide to get back together. Thanks in advance for any feedback!
Don Ho Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 I use to have a couple of those books, but I don't remember the names. I think if you go to Barnes & Noble in the Relationship department, you will find lots of books on reconciling and how to do it. The general premise is that you have to have fun and enjoy each other. DO NOT go back to your old ways and DO NOT fight. Of course you both have to be very honest with yourselves about what you did wrong and change it. I think if you look at the contents of some of the books you will find a couple that will help. Good luck.
bboy Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 My bad record isn't really convincing, but here are some tips. 1. Reconciling requers an effort from both parts. 2. Communication patterns needs to be changed. You need to learn when to confront and when to suck it up. 3. Boundaries and respect are totally required. Not your own, but your partners. And your partner needs to do the opposite. Then you can progress into trust. 4. IF you see that you end up in huge arguments and fights - do not hesitate. Go to a therapist or some other sort of advisor. Don't expect things to come "naturally" - that's a Hollywood fiction planted in our minds. 5. Trust is earned, not given. You cannot expect to trust someone from day one. Forget that completly. It's one of the most stupid and naive things I've seen and heard.
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