I Need an Oustide Perspective

[atwitsend11]

I recently have found out that my wife has been in contact with an ex from her past. It all started about 3 weeks ago when she mentioned to me that she had found a friend she had been looking for, for the past 10 years. Later that day her girlfriend was over and I overheard my wife telling her thatn she has found "x" and that she was sorry that she had let it end the way it did and that he didn't deserve that.

 

When my wife had originally told me about him she had mentioned that he actually lives in a state very close to us. A few days after that she brought up us taking a trip to said state for vacation because she wanted to go to a certain festival there. She knows for a fact that I would not want to spend my vacation time at that festival so when I said no she was very quick to just offer to go alone. At this point the flags started going up in my head. When I mentioned to her that maybe we should go somewhere that we both enjoy she got pissed and said that she was going to the festival.

 

So a few days later I pick up her laptop to check my email (mine is broken so we both share hers) and she has some pictures open. They are love letters she has kept for 10 years and she had photographed them all to email to him, I am assuming. At this point I'm feeling sorta hurt, not because she was had these things but because when we got serious she made sure to let me know that all artifacts of my past relationships had to go...even things that were given to me by ex when we were friends, before we were together.

 

I've been cheated on quite a bit in the past and I'm very intuitive to the changes in personality in my wife. She started to act a little weird at this point. She would always be on her computer, basically ignoring everything else. Late one night I got on her laptop to again and she had left her facebook tab open. I proceeded to check her messages (yes, I'm aware that this is a violation of trust without her knowing) and noticed she had been having lengthy conversations with this guy, saying thing's like she wishes she could go back in time and they could be together and that she should have given herself to him.

 

He is also married. He responds with things like he has tried to push back the feelings he has in his heart for her but they deserve to be there and she shines a light in his heart.

 

I'm sure my wife has figured out by the web history that Ive read those things because she now makes sure to log out of facebook anytime she uses it. She used to leave it permanently logged-in.

 

I'm not really quite sure what to do. Should I bring it up to her? Honestly, I'm getting that feeling I've felt in the past right before things fall apart. Thanks to any who take the time to read this.

[whichwayisup]

Tell your wife she can't have it both ways.. If she chooses to go on that trip alone to see him, not to bother coming back home, she can pack a bag and go stay somewhere else.

 

DO NOT let her control this situation or treat you like an idiot. Does she truly believe it's OK to wander off on her own and go see a past flame?

 

Tell her she has a choice to make, don't back down, be strong.

 

Trust me, if she's stupid enough and selfish enough to throw away your marriage and whole life together that you two have built, then let her go, and go talk to a lawyer.

[jennie-jennie]

You might want to google "rekindled love". It is a very strong powerful love. I know, because I am living it.

[Maggotface]

You already have all the proof you need of a EA if she goes on this trip she will see him most likely. You have the power to stop this before she physically cheats on you.

 

The longer you let this continue the more attached to this man she will become, you need to tell her that if you cant have any connections to your past niether can she especially since this is hurting you and is damaging to your marriage.

[2sunny]

I'm not really quite sure what to do.

 

oh yes you do. you wouldn't be posting here if you didn't see something seriously going wrong here.

 

Should I bring it up to her?

 

of course! why ignore the obvious? state clearly to her that her behavior is out of balance and out of line for a married woman. IF she intends to act that way for one more minute she should move and divorce. she is not acting "married."

 

Honestly, I'm getting that feeling I've felt in the past right before things fall apart.

 

i know! this is your gut telling you that something is terribly wrong and YOU need to do something about it.

 

good luck, hugs.

[spriggig]

When I mentioned to her that maybe we should go somewhere that we both enjoy she got pissed and said that she was going to the festival.

She's made her decision and entered the fog. She's going to follow through with this come hell or high water, your protests will mean nothing to her at this point. Any attempts you make to turn her around will simply confirm in her mind that you two are not compatible and that the marriage was a mistake from the beginning--this is what she's thinking. To even consider an affair, she must have already convinced herself that she no longer is "in love" with you.

 

Logic, reason and appeals to commitment will not work. There is no way you're going to talk her out of this. No way in hell.

 

There is some good you can do here. You can reveal the plans to his wife. Doing so will almost certainly stop the rendezvous, and give them a chance to save their marriage. This will certainly piss off your wife and she'd probably leave you on the spot. Two birds with one stone. Sorry.

[InceptorsRule]

OK first "full disclosure."

 

Apparently in my short time here at Love Shack the way I state my opinions rubs some other members the wrong way.

 

I've been called "jaded", "twisted," "bitter," "narrow minded" "harsh" and a number of other things that I can't remember off hand.

 

So keep in mind what some others think about the validity of my opinions.

 

This sounds like a so called "lost love" affair where the spouse is yearning for someone from their romantic past. These are the most destructive and hardest for people in them to stay out of. It's also obvious that she's already at least mentally/emotionally deeply involved in this affair.

 

But the point I wanted to make is that your wife is operating out of a place of complete fantasy and selfishness. She has ALREADY "nexted" you in her head and is just working out the details and technicalities right now.

 

She doesn't care about what you think or what you feel. That's clear both from her behavior and what you've found in the emails which you should copy and put in a safe place obviously for future evidence purposes.

 

Listen to me, the selfishness is not just with respect to her treatment of you. Think about this: the man she's affairing with is a MARRIED man. That means he has a wife out there somewhere that your own wife is deliberately conspiring to rake over the coals by engaging in her affair.

 

I want you to think about what that means.

 

Cheaters like your wife always try to justify what they're doing by blame shifting on the betrayed spouse, in this case you, what a bad husband you were/are. However your wife doesn't even know her other man's wife yet she is willing to destroy this other woman's marriage as well as your own and her own.

 

It might be if you were the most horrible man in the world your wife's having an affair on you could perhaps be rationalized.

 

But how can she rationalize helping to ruin another woman's marriage? The other man's betrayed wife never did anything to YOUR wife.

 

Yet your wife DOES NOT CARE. She doesn't care what DESTRUCTION she causes or helps to cause.

 

I don't know if you have kids, do you? I hope not. For your wife's actions will lead to great heart ache for them as well. What about the other man and HIS wife? Any kids there? Again more lives that your wife doesn't care about if she destroys them.

 

In a word your wife is totally selfish, she is already "too far gone," and she ain't never comin' back.

 

Your marriage is already over for all intents and purposes, you just didn't get the memo yet.

 

You can never trust her again, obviously. She could back down if you come with full force but she will always hate you for it and try to cheat on you in the future.

 

There is really NO answer to the question of "Why?" Believe me. It is something very flawed perhaps deep down in your wife's personality that was concealed or overlooked, something she has been harboring since before you married her, probably something from her childhood. It's not something you have the ability to do anything about.

 

Why do I say it's hopeless for you? Because when confronted about what she was doing, she said she was going to go anyway--to be with the other man quite obviously. No love for you; no fear of you; nor respect for you, or for your marriage.

 

Get a lawyer, protect yourself, protect your finances, protect your children if you have any, and get your ducks in a row. Prepare for the inevitable which is a divorce, do whatever it is you need to to get your head on straight, and go forward with your eyes wide open.

[2sunny]

There is some good you can do here. You can reveal the plans to his wife. Doing so will almost certainly stop the rendezvous, and give them a chance to save their marriage. This will certainly piss off your wife and she'd probably leave you on the spot. Two birds with one stone. Sorry.

 

He is also married. He responds with things like he has tried to push back the feelings he has in his heart for her but they deserve to be there and she shines a light in his heart.

 

i agree, tell the MM's wife. expose what he has stated to your W. his W deserves to understand the effort and energy that he SHOULD be placing within his marriage - is now being spent on someone outside his marriage.

 

you have proof in writing - forward that info to his W. IF your W gets angry - she can realize SHE should only be angry at HERSELF! SHE participated... you are only providing the evidence as they have displayed. IF there was nothing wrong with what they have said between the two of them - there would be no reason to get angry for exposing them.

 

when there's nothing to hide - you hide nothing... if she's angry - it's only because she knows what a complete jerk she's being. this isn't your fault she's behavior with such disregard for everyone who stands to be harmed.

 

let go down with her own evidence she's created. the MM's wife has a right to understand what scum she's married to as well.

[Binster]

Put a keylogger on the laptop and send copys of all the dodgy stuff to his wife.

 

Make sure she doesn't go on the trip even if it means telling her you'll be seeing a divorce lawyer before she goes.

 

She needs a reality check -you have to provide it.

[atwitsend11]

I'd like to thank everyone for reading and responding. We have no kids and are/were coming up on our 1 year anniversary.

 

A question about the transcripts. I never saved any of their conversations because I was in awe at the time and since then she has changed her pw. I do have the means to go ahead and reset the password and login to collect and save the conversations. Is this going too far?

[freestyle]

Also, it's possible you will need hard evidence of her infidelity if/when it comes to divorce----it can affect the outcome of a divorce settlement---depends on where you live.

[InceptorsRule]

I'd like to thank everyone for reading and responding. We have no kids and are/were coming up on our 1 year anniversary.

 

A question about the transcripts. I never saved any of their conversations because I was in awe at the time and since then she has changed her pw. I do have the means to go ahead and reset the password and login to collect and save the conversations. Is this going too far?

 

No kids = you're lucky

 

1 year anniversary coming up? She didn't even wait a year to start cheating.

 

Brother, just count yourself lucky you found out now rather than 10 years down the road with a couple of kids.

 

Pull that ejection handle, and hard.

[spriggig]

I'd like to thank everyone for reading and responding. We have no kids and are/were coming up on our 1 year anniversary.

 

A question about the transcripts. I never saved any of their conversations because I was in awe at the time and since then she has changed her pw. I do have the means to go ahead and reset the password and login to collect and save the conversations. Is this going too far?

 

Only one year in? You must have known each other for a couple of years before marrying.

 

I get why you didn't save the emails, I did the exact same thing. If you want motivation to take the next step, then snoop. She'll be able to see if you forward them, so copy and paste instead--although at this point it doesn't really matter. Also, if she writes, search the house for a journal, it might be very revealing.

 

BTW, you're spelling out the same scenario I went through with my wife. I discovered her plans to meet her OM (unmarried, tho) three weeks before she booked the flight and she went ahead anyway, leaving me and our son behind for two weeks. I denied it at the time, but that obviously spelled the end of our marriage in retrospect.

[atwitsend11]

Only one year in? You must have known each other for a couple of years before marrying.

 

I get why you didn't save the emails, I did the exact same thing. If you want motivation to take the next step, then snoop. She'll be able to see if you forward them, so copy and paste instead--although at this point it doesn't really matter. Also, if she writes, search the house for a journal, it might be very revealing.

 

BTW, you're spelling out the same scenario I went through with my wife. I discovered her plans to meet her OM (unmarried, tho) three weeks before she booked the flight and she went ahead anyway, leaving me and our son behind for two weeks. I denied it at the time, but that obviously spelled the end of our marriage in retrospect.

 

 

Yeah we lived together for about 2 years before getting married. Oddly enough she asked me to marry her. I was in denial when I first read them. I tried to justify it by telling myself that these were just things she has always wanted to say for the 10 years and she was just getting them off her chest. I hadent read any more until last night. We were driving home and she caught me looking at her while she was driving and she asked why I was looking at her. I asked her if she loved me and she said that she did and that she cared alot about me. She asked me why I'd ask that and I told her I just wanted to hear her say it. She said she has been really sad and stressed because of work and because I'm always home (laid-off) and that she never has any alone time (I'm not from here and have no friends so I never hgave anywhereto go for the day). I used to get a certain feeling when she told me that she loved me but I just didnt get it yesterday. Her words felt very empty.

[2sunny]

Yeah we lived together for about 2 years before getting married. Oddly enough she asked me to marry her. I was in denial when I first read them. I tried to justify it by telling myself that these were just things she has always wanted to say for the 10 years and she was just getting them off her chest. I hadent read any more until last night. We were driving home and she caught me looking at her while she was driving and she asked why I was looking at her. I asked her if she loved me and she said that she did and that she cared alot about me. She asked me why I'd ask that and I told her I just wanted to hear her say it. She said she has been really sad and stressed because of work and because I'm always home (laid-off) and that she never has any alone time (I'm not from here and have no friends so I never hgave anywhereto go for the day). I used to get a certain feeling when she told me that she loved me but I just didnt get it yesterday. Her words felt very empty.

 

she's laying the ground work to get her time away from you. this way she can justify finding a way to meet her OM.

 

expose the evidence to her MM's wife as soon as possible. your wife is about to put the M at risk - as well as her MM's marriage.

 

to bring the truth to the forefront will eliminate the secrecy that is the driving force of her excitement. eliminate the exciting nature of what is your reality. be strong.

[Bryanp]

This is absolutely ridiculous. You have only been married 1 year. I would go into the computer and copy the transcripts and send them the OM's wife. I would try to contact the wife first and ask her where she would want them sent. I would see an attorney to see about an annulment if possible. I would tell you her that you have reconsidered and would love to go to the festival. If you go then you can meet the OM's wife and give her the transcripts. Your wife is a real piece of work. Good luck.

[karnak]

I'm sorry that you're going through all this.

 

I agree with Spriggig, unfortunately. Regardless of wether you reveal everything to the other man's wife or not it seems that your marriage is doomed. Your wife has emotionally left your marriage already. She just hasn't had the guts to leave it phisically.

 

To be honest it seems she really never loved you since the beginning. You were probably just an emotional "teddy bear" for her (someone to confort her at night and keep the "boogey man" at bay).

 

I ask the same question I keep asking more and more often these years: why do people marry others without really loving them?

 

Be strong, man. And always be honest with yourself and your feelings.

[lostsunsets]

I have to agree with karnak. You were second choice. Now she wants to see if she can get this other guy, then dump you. Your being laid off was probably a trigger. Women are so security oriented, Some women will dump you if you are between jobs.

[karnak]

Women are so security oriented, Some women will dump you if you are between jobs.

 

Not all women are like that. But those that married for selfish, futile reasons will sure dump their husbands as soon as things get rough. In reverse, those that love them will stick by them, no matter what.

[KikiW]

You have every right to "snoop" - this is your WIFE, not your boss, not your mom, not your next door neighbor. Make no apologies for looking into this, you have a right to know exactly what's going on - as a wise woman once said "knowledge is POWER" - if you know exactly what the score is, she cannot blindside you with it. She cannot talk her way out of it. She cannot avoid coming clean about it. You would hold the cards, even if you don't like them, you have a better view of whether to play the hand through or not.

 

Document EVERYTHING. Even if she screams and wails and cries about privacy issues or how dare you or whatever - there shouldn't be anything a wife does that she shouldn't be able to tell her husband and vice versa.

 

She is not acting like a wife, she is acting like a teenager trying to sneak out and see her boyfriend while dad's asleep.

 

You know what's going on now, so protect yourself.

[seibert253]

She's not going to admit anything until you hammer her with proof.

Install a keylogger on her computer and get detailed cell phone records. Check her phone regularly.

Forward any texts between the Om and her to your phone. Then erase the evidence of this.

 

As far as the festival, you know she's going there to meet up with him. You haven't said if she's gone yet. If she hasn't I would tell her if she really wanted to go, you want to go with her. If you can't go, then you prefer she doesn't either. Tell her you can't stop her, but if she cares about you and your feelings, she won't go. Also tell her if she ignores your feelings about this, then you will reconsider her commitment to you and your M.

Faced with this she's gonna be communicating the the OM about this. Whether she goes or not. You should get plenty of evidence.

 

If she goes, when she gets back have a nice set of D papers waiting for her.