lauraweston Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Hello, I am new to this site and thought Id get some responses from what looks like an experienced community Ok let me start by telling you I am in a 4 year happy relationship with a guy who would give me the world if he could. He puts up with everything I could throw at him and much more. I love him to bits and could not fault anything he does. Now the problem is I have just ended my 3rd affair whilst being with him. Usually the excitement is amazing, it fizzes out and I leave but this last guy has taken me by surprise and i cant get him out of my head. I had only been seeing him for 2 months but in that time we explored each others mind like ive never experienced before and it was on such a level that neither of us had expected we had gotten so deep. He is divorced and has 2 children which he doesnt see but speaks to on the phone. Im a paranoid and insecure person but any issues I had whilst with him I was able to talk to him and he would talk me through my feelings. He is 10 years older then me, has alot of baggage but I have already handled it better then anyone he has ever known he says. It was never about sex with this guy it was the intensity of the conversations. He knew about my boyfriend and before I finished it with him, i got very upset at times because I was so confused about where I was meant to be going. He was so nice and gave me three options... 1 - stay with my oartner and see where it goes. Work on things that may need changing. 2 - move to my parents and start a fresh with him. 3 - leave both of them and move back to my parents and give myself breathing space. I cant beleive how much he was able to help me when I was upset in such an unbias way. It got so intense that I had to walk away and give my head some thinking space. I told him not to contact me and after a few upset emails and texts, he stopped. In the 2 months i was seeing him I pushed my boyfriend away and i needed to see where we were. He thinks ive just been going through a bad patch at work and has really tried to lift my mood up by talking to me about how im feeling (hard to tell him i feel bad because i miss another guy!) He suggested that maybe Im bored and thats why I feel I am at this stand still...I have a stressful job, dont socialise out of work, rely on him to occupy my mind due to not having hobbies. So we started looking at career changes for me and hobbies I could take up but its been a week and I still feel like an empty shell and cant get this other guy out of my head. I even start to think of the things I DIDNT like about him to try and put me off him but I cant get him out of my head. What if? is the biggest question going through my head right now. What if i lose everything I have now in this perfect relationship to risk on a guy Ive know for 2 months and that doesnt work out and Im left with no one? What if I stay with my current partner and stay on this one way ticket down perfection but slightly boredom? We never argue anymore as we have both become trusting of each other and dont do much to cause conflict between each other. If i left for this other guy, I would have to start to trust him and learn his ways of thinking and my paranoia and insecurities DO cause conflict and arguments to begin with, he says he can handle them but Ive always got my own way in these sorts of things and i know he is more of a tought love kind of guy which is maybe what I need from time to time! Im 23, do I have time to risk everything and potentially have nothing at the end of it? Or do I stay with the relationship I have and settle with what I have which is more then alot of people could wish for? I just dont understand why I feel so numb if im meant to have made the right choice to be with my boyfriend. Do I need to give it time?
Fouts Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Well, you're the poster child for affairs, because you can't fathom the what if's of life. You keep having random one's until hopefully you find Mr. Right, he'll be everything you want and you can jump ship from one to the other safely. IMO you probably need to be single and mature for a bit.
mark982 Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 you dont deserve any "what if". only thing you deserve is to tell your bf and let him make the decision. and quite frankly he's too good for you.
finding_serenity Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 ppingirl,let me tell you this,u wil regret letting go of ur bf if you choose the divorced guy, I was single and we havr same mind wavelenght, thought I find happiness marrying older man divorced and with kids but I regret it 100%, I'm not ready to be a stepmom, don't know how to blend in a blended or stepfamilies and deal with complexities.unfortunately I got pregnant before I can escape and now I'm stuck in this horrible marriage.marrying a man with baggages not just the kids but exwife, ex inlaws and all the exs in the world aint easy to carry.better stick to ur guy otherwise let him go so he can find someone whos worthy of his love
2sunny Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Ok let me start by telling you I am in a 4 year happy relationship with a guy who would give me the world if he could. He puts up with everything I could throw at him and much more. I love him to bits and could not fault anything he does. Now the problem is I have just ended my 3rd affair whilst being with him. you're 23 years old and this is your pattern? you may want to try doing something else = try honesty. logic and loving behavior would say - let your boyfriend go so he can find someone who might be faithful to him with loving behavior. he deserves that. then you are free to do what ever you want... but it won't be hurting someone else in the meantime. hopefully - if you are honest with the future men you date - you won't continue to be deceitful to them. try honesty. it may look like "hey, i don't intend to be serious, just want to hang out with you until it's not fun anymore."
InceptorsRule Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Your question is "Have I Made the Right Choice?" I think from reading what you posted it's pretty clear that, with respect to matters of romance, you have never made the right choice. Hope that answers your question.
funnyluv Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 What are you missing in yourself that you keep doing this? You are saying that you are with a guy who would give you the world, yet you've had 3 affairs while with him. Just ponder on that for a second. What is drawing you to a new affair each time? And why are you staying with this "great guy" throughout all of this. Great guys deserve great women. Not someone who is going to deceive.
Woggle Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 If this guy is so great why do you keep cheating on him over and over again? Why not just dump him since it is clear you don't love him? This is the kind of women that turns men into men like me. One day your boyfriend might be as cynical and mistrusting as I am and I would not blame him one bit.
You Go Girl Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Laura, that is your name? First, I hope your name isn't lauraweston. Do you really want people to find these things out about you? I mean your bf, family, friends, coworkers. These pages are cached in google, you know. You're an intelligent girl, Laura. You like to be intellectually challenged, you like engaging conversation. You want the answers to the bigger questions of love. It's difficult for you to be loyal to one man because you find that boring, not challenging, not stimulating. But... you won't find any answers in life, not real answers about real love, if you never form a loving relationship. To form a true loving relationship would require loyalty and honesty. So you sabotage your goal. Underneath every cheater is a person who is afraid of true intimacy. Think about that for a bit. Did you even know you are fearful? Let's discuss what is so perfect about your relationship with your bf. If it's so perfect, then why do you stray? Guess it's not so perfect afterall, huh? Perfection in a relationship isn't measured by both wanting a dog named spot and a picket fence one day. It's the journey, the discovery of another, and a wonderful connection. You can't make that connection if you can't be honest with a man, especially because you haven't even been honest with yourself. This man who is older, mysterious, and dangerous--is he the one for you right now? Perhaps. Or...perhaps he is a manipulative man that enjoys toying with you. Only you can examine that relationship and figure that out. You may just be in a place in your life right now that a dangerous man is what you want, because you desire to understand what is foreign to you. Just remember if you play with fire you might get burned. So your bf is the safe choice, isn't he? But is it safety you really want?
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