Tractor Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 I have been seeing a counselor and spending some time here as well for a while. Not a lot of post,but read alot, and it seems to help. A special thanks to Ronni W, she has been a big help in me being able to sort stuff out. Without this I might unload on SO. Which I dont want to do. The dream was so real I could smell her. We are sitting in the dining room looking out the back doors an I ask child if she would like to go outside and play with dog and cat, Mom and I need to talk. We are sitting there watching and look at each other and each of us know we have lost something we want to try to get back. Ive seen this look in her in real life recently. I tell her I need to talk to her about some things I have learned through counseling. The next scene in the dream we are downstairs in the family room,she is changing clothes.(why i dont know,mabey just because i want to see her naked) I sorta grab-a$$ with her and we end up on couch just looking at each other. Not in disgust or confusion, its nice but not really sex related. The next scene she is still in family room and Im aroud corner in laundry room telling her not to sweat the dirty clothes. She can pick them up when she comes back next time. I'll wash them next time I do laundry. No sex and we never get to talk about counseling issues. Mabey thats not exciting enough to post about, but it sorta freaked me out because that is something I want to talk about with her today.(the counseling stuff not the dream) And it was so real.
mannpho Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 I feel your pain, I do. I spend all my days thinking how ings used to be. I dream of her a lot. I fantasize her calling me back to talk. Then I realize it's all a fantasy. Once they decided to dump us they walk away and simply look forward to a happy life without once thinking of the collateral damage they leeft behind. I had sent her Bday card and I never thought she would respond. She did with a simple thank you. Then Monday I decided to break NC and texted her telling how well I was doing and if she wanted to say hi. Again she called me. We chatted just small talk I asked her to go out for coffee, lunch whatever just for fun. She knew what I want. She then said I will call the weekend and get together. Saturday came and I was trembling and shaking thinking why she hadn't called so I called of course it went straight to voicemail. It's Sunday now and Im shaking and trembling so paid. Im dying to call but I have to fight the urge. I have to tell myself she doesn't love me if she did all this **** wouldnt be happening. I have to start to think of all the crap she put me through and I put up with it just because I wanted to be with someone that didnt care and just wanted me around. I have no answers except focus on a happy thought. I have a rubber around around my wrist when her vision comes in I snap it it stops the thought and acts as a reminder to change.
GrayClouds Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 I have been seeing a counselor and spending some time here as well for a while. Not a lot of post,but read alot, and it seems to help. A special thanks to Ronni W, she has been a big help in me being able to sort stuff out. Without this I might unload on SO. Which I dont want to do. The dream was so real I could smell her. We are sitting in the dining room looking out the back doors an I ask child if she would like to go outside and play with dog and cat, Mom and I need to talk. We are sitting there watching and look at each other and each of us know we have lost something we want to try to get back. Ive seen this look in her in real life recently. I tell her I need to talk to her about some things I have learned through counseling. The next scene in the dream we are downstairs in the family room,she is changing clothes.(why i dont know,mabey just because i want to see her naked) I sorta grab-a$$ with her and we end up on couch just looking at each other. Not in disgust or confusion, its nice but not really sex related. The next scene she is still in family room and Im aroud corner in laundry room telling her not to sweat the dirty clothes. She can pick them up when she comes back next time. I'll wash them next time I do laundry. No sex and we never get to talk about counseling issues. Mabey thats not exciting enough to post about, but it sorta freaked me out because that is something I want to talk about with her today.(the counseling stuff not the dream) And it was so real. But is was not real. It was just your sub conscience helping you work through the break-up. I suspect in your dream she is not her but only represents a happier time and place for you. I also suspect that you wanting to talk to her about the counseling suggest that it is working for you to move on. Finally the fact you did not ever actually talk to her about it means you are understand that gong back to her (that happier time and place) is not the way but finding a new place on your own is. And that is real. Keep the focus on you, hang in there. .
Ronni_W Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Tractor, thanks for your kind words. I'm glad I've been of some help. I think. Don't talk to her about "the counseling stuff". Instead, share with her your concerns and fears, and your dreams and desires. Praying you courage.
Author Tractor Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 We talked about my commitment as a father, real estate, school districts,selling house time frames and which one first. I talked a little bit about what I could forsee in our future. I DID NOT ask her to tell me she wanted it as well. I could tell she felt more comfortable and opened up a little. Told me they had found a church there that was very much like here. Seemed to have a good youth program. We talked about child. Told her about dream. Only the part about us sitting in dining room watching child play with pets, not the part about the longing looks. She ask when the projects I had bid here would be done and when did I have to leave for ****** and when I would I be back from that project. Did not have exact dates but reasonable time frames.(she already knows this, she knows my business, she did accounts and billing) I think she was trying to get a schedule for a visit. I didnt blow this off but didnt commit. Told her equipment manufacturer had some delays getting some of the parts tested and that set shipping back some, would know more sometime this coming week. Which is true. Talked to child about school, math teacher that child is not exactly fond of. We talked about the pets, how child missed them. Talked about rift between child and adult child and how it was my fault and mom and I would take care of that. It was ok that adult child was upset with me, that I owed adult child an apology, and when it was time I would do that. Child tells me how mom and I need to work on getting back together and tells mom this. I asked child not to do this too much, mom knows how you feel. Told child mom and I are trying to work out a way for us all to be closer together. Then child starts crying and ask me when can I move and be with them. Ya cant say no. But how do I give a time frame on that? I was in tears. Didnt know what to say but got past it ok. Ronni W this update is mostly for you. I know others may be keeping up, and dont want to monopolize your time here, did I do ok.
Author Tractor Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 Then I get an e-mail chastizing me about child crying while on phone with me. Keep it "Light and Generic" Im told. I try to stay off certian topics but if child brings it up how do I get around it. Its moments like this that make me want to give up.
Ronni_W Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 (edited) Then child starts crying and ask me when can I move and be with them. Ya cant say no. But how do I give a time frame on that? I was in tears. Didnt know what to say but got past it ok. To me, it sounds like you did brilliantly . MUCH more important, though, is how YOU feel you did? I mean as far as having facilitated "better" communications between you and your ex. I get the parts that would have been emotionally difficult for you and your child. As a suggestion for future. When you sense an opportunity, it won't hurt to say to your ex, "I am working on getting a handle on dates for my next visit." And then ask, "Is that what you're trying to figure out, too?" If she says 'no', then it's fine. Point is for you to start practicing expressing what is going on in your own mind and heart, as well as following-up on your intuitions about what *may* be going on for her (which shows that you're emotionally connected/"in-tune". Women like that...A LOT .) When your child starts asking about details of you'all living closer, just be as honest as you can, in an age-appropriate way. The message, I'm guessing, is something like: "I'm sorry that I don't have an answer to that yet; I really wish I did. I love you and miss you so much, too. I promise that mom and I are doing our best to make it happen as soon as possible. There's some grown-up stuff we still need to work out, and I've also got to take care of my customers and other stuff like that. I love you and miss you, so you can believe that I'm working as hard as I can on this one." Then I get an e-mail chastizing me about child crying while on phone with me. Keep it "Light and Generic" Im told. I try to stay off certian topics but if child brings it up how do I get around it. Its moments like this that make me want to give up. Here's where you be assertive instead of allowing yourself to get treated like a child! "I did not orchestrate things so that Child and I would end up crying on the phone, and I don't have any control over child's thoughts and feelings. I did the best I could to comfort Child while not making it any worse. But I most certainly am not going to just deny, ignore or minimize Child's pain or ask Child to suppress her/his feelings. I totally agree with you though that, as far as we can, we should shield and protect Child from our adult challenges and problems. I will continue to do that." You can be clear, honest, direct and respectful and STILL NOT take crap from your ex!!! You're a freakin' intelligent, responsible, caring, loving, compassionate adult who is worthy of respect -- don't let her treat you any differently. PS: Thanks for thinking about it, but no worries about my time. I'm quite happy to be here...as long as I'm being somewhat useful. Edited August 16, 2010 by Ronni_W
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