Are women capable of staying in love?

[Woggle]

It seems that while men once they commit are in it for the long haul while women's love seems to have an expiration date. I see it time and time again where men who thought they had a great relationship or marriage get blindsided out of nowhere by a woman that fell out of love. It seems that once a relationship moves past the chemical high stage women just lose all interest and attraction. This is why I am so scared to fully fall in love with my wife.

 

I love her but there is a part of my heart that I hold back and it is because I have seen too many men get their hearts just ripped out and they never saw it coming. This is what happened in my first marriage. The optimism I felt when we bought our first home which I live in now can't be explained. I was looking forward to a great future with a woman I would have died for and fast forward a year later and she was cheating on me and hating my guts. Sometimes I think I am still shellshocked by that whole experience. It is not something I wish on my worst enemy. Most men might not have as extreme an experience but in many cases they get blindsided and even if they don't their wives seem to treat them like chopped liver.

 

I don't like being this way and I wish I can just jump headfirst into this but I am terrified. As much bravado as I like to display I don't know if I can handle another heartbreak. I hate being this bitter misogynist but it seems like it is the only to protect my heart at this point. I really am starting to wonder if women are even capable of long term love once a man commits.

[carhill]

Have you figured out that the stuff you're all afraid about is a commodity which you'll never run out of as long as you're alive? Think about that. An inexhaustible supply.

 

When I experience moments of sadness and loss, it's for the person I was when I loved my wife and believed in our marriage. I mourn that loss but know that my love and my belief resides within myself. No person nor society nor government can ever take it from me. Only death will. There's a lot more breaths left in this body before death comes a knocking. There's a lot more love and belief too. An infinite amount.

 

Beer's on us. I think you might hear some stories which sound familiar. We're working stiffs, just like you, probably even more so, since we both still get greasy every day.

 

It'll all work out. Enjoy life and your wife. It's all so brief.

 

ETA yes, women are just as capable of staying in love as men are. We're all individuals and we all *choose* our path.

Edited August 15, 2010 by carhill

[crazycatlady]

It seems that while men once they commit are in it for the long haul while women's love seems to have an expiration date. I see it time and time again where men who thought they had a great relationship or marriage get blindsided out of nowhere by a woman that fell out of love. It seems that once a relationship moves past the chemical high stage women just lose all interest and attraction. This is why I am so scared to fully fall in love with my wife.

 

I love her but there is a part of my heart that I hold back and it is because I have seen too many men get their hearts just ripped out and they never saw it coming. This is what happened in my first marriage. The optimism I felt when we bought our first home which I live in now can't be explained. I was looking forward to a great future with a woman I would have died for and fast forward a year later and she was cheating on me and hating my guts. Sometimes I think I am still shellshocked by that whole experience. It is not something I wish on my worst enemy. Most men might not have as extreme an experience but in many cases they get blindsided and even if they don't their wives seem to treat them like chopped liver.

 

I don't like being this way and I wish I can just jump headfirst into this but I am terrified. As much bravado as I like to display I don't know if I can handle another heartbreak. I hate being this bitter misogynist but it seems like it is the only to protect my heart at this point. I really am starting to wonder if women are even capable of long term love once a man commits.

 

I have an old high school friend who is feeling this way after being in a relationship that wasn't nearly as tramatic as yours. Another friend finally gave up on his wife ever loving him the way he needed and left his marriage to find true love else where. Another friend stays in a loveless sexless marriage because he doesn't want two child support payments (the one is a high school mistake). So yes women can truly suck.

 

My older sister divorced her husband when he pulled a gun at her (eventually, she tried afterwards to repair their marriage but it ultimately failed, thankfully before someone was killed). A friend left her first husband when she walked in her husband and her best friend. Another friend was left without warning with three young kids (newborn twins) and replaced with a younger woman. And men also suck.

 

It goes both ways, pretty much equally. Its not women, its not men, its HUMANS can truly suck.

 

CCL

[Citizen Erased]

I don't think it's a gender thing. Plenty of men are cheating on their wives, as the OW forum shows. They clearly aren't still in love with the one woman.

 

Your issues are your own Woggle, I hate that you feel the need to make out every woman is the bad guy because you happened to marry a crazy nut. I actually saw you suggest to my SO on another thread that he shouldn't allow himself to let his heart be in it 100% because he will more than likely be cheated on. Thanks for the vote of confidence and I'd rather be alone the rest of my life than be married to someone that thinks like you. You've always enjoyed the little drama you detail on here about your loving wife that you keep this side of you from. Have you actually started an original thread on this forum in the last 2 years?

[Woggle]

Don't take it personal. It's advice I give to every man about to get married. I truly do hope it works for the both of you.

[Tony T]

Love is never, ever enough for a marriage to thrive. There must be commitment. Yes, love does have a shelf life. That passionate stuff eventually evolves, over a long period of time, into a comfortable, companionate-type think IF you're lucky. Both people must be committed to staying together and working through the difficulties that arise as people grow in whatever direction, interests change, body chemicals transform, adverse experiences occur, etc. There are simply so many things that can change a person totally...and you're right, it's scary as hell. Fifty percent of marriages don't make it and I don't know what percentage of the one's that do are truly happy.

 

Many sociologists and psychologists these days have changed the old concept of "til death do we part" to "til either one of us gets tired of the relationship." That's actually the way it is usually. Nature brings us together to procreate and once that mission is accomplished, nature doesn't give a crap. We have to take it from there.

 

If you commit to a person who is stable, who drinks only socially, who is financially and emotionally stable, who comes from a decent family, etc., you've got a fairly good chance of taking things to the finish line. So how many of those do you run into during the course of your day? (haha)

 

To answer your question in a few words, absolutely, people do change and often in very major ways. Sometimes people don't change, they just stop holding in what they never disclosed to you and hid from you for fear you wouldn't like what you see.

 

I've seen many marriages go to hell when one spouse or the other started drinking out of completely nowhere. Heavy drinking and relationships just don't mix, even though that seems how many of them get started.

 

Love is hell!

[EvrMorE104]

like one of my favorite writer voltaire quoted "All the reasonings of men are not worth one sentiment of women" A woman is mentally always think of new ways to define things...so if you get one that met a couple of jerks or feels she superior because your sensitivity to her is a weakness...you have a power struggle...

 

usually a "mature" woman would be intellectual about this with a man...because shes "real" outspoken about her views...some may "act" then play you but its apart of the game which we all play..until we actually sit down and define who we are in our hearts..and stop looking at the failures and weakness of people...and first seek out our qualities in a positive behavior...we will always take experience as our teacher which is not always a good after math for some which leads to non- trusting circumstances and outcomes for a genuine individual.

 

my thing a woman is capable of anything in her eyes and heart so being in love is not an issue but its the individual woman you seeking that will effect you as a human being and character alteration..according to how u been treated and all things of that nature..so i feel your whole view point and questioning of a women from experience..just keep ya head up and do what ya gut tells you..sometimes it aint always bad.

[TaraMaiden]

Ok, read his posts again....

 

Realise from Woggle's posts that the one withholding all the love in his relationship is him - not her.

The fact that he is still married is no credit to him.

He has a wonderful, wise, loving, constant and loyal wife.

 

He's the one with insufficient commitment.

Not her.

[Green]

It seems that while men once they commit are in it for the long haul while women's love seems to have an expiration date. I see it time and time again where men who thought they had a great relationship or marriage get blindsided out of nowhere by a woman that fell out of love. It seems that once a relationship moves past the chemical high stage women just lose all interest and attraction. This is why I am so scared to fully fall in love with my wife.

 

I love her but there is a part of my heart that I hold back and it is because I have seen too many men get their hearts just ripped out and they never saw it coming. This is what happened in my first marriage. The optimism I felt when we bought our first home which I live in now can't be explained. I was looking forward to a great future with a woman I would have died for and fast forward a year later and she was cheating on me and hating my guts. Sometimes I think I am still shellshocked by that whole experience. It is not something I wish on my worst enemy. Most men might not have as extreme an experience but in many cases they get blindsided and even if they don't their wives seem to treat them like chopped liver.

 

I don't like being this way and I wish I can just jump headfirst into this but I am terrified. As much bravado as I like to display I don't know if I can handle another heartbreak. I hate being this bitter misogynist but it seems like it is the only to protect my heart at this point. I really am starting to wonder if women are even capable of long term love once a man commits.

 

The truth is a woman can always leave you. Life is unfair... as a man I would no doubt die to defend my woman... I really do not expect that same level from my woman.

 

I go into a relationship knowing that if my partner leaves me or breaks my trust I will be olright because I can handle it.

 

I just think you worry to much. If your wife cheats on you or gets bored and leaves you its not the end of the world. (it will feel like it but you obviously made it through once... you can do it again if it comes to that)

[TaraMaiden]

He's setting himself up for failure.

He's pushing her so far away, that eventually, she may well tip over the edge.

 

And then, of course, it will be all her fault, because she wasn't looking where she was going....

[Pyro]

Woggle is so worried that his wife may get up and leave him one day or cheat on him.

 

If anything she should be worried about him. Woggle has mentioned it on here many times that when he is single he can bag many women and that he is such a player and he has said that he misses that lifestyle.

[Green]

I don't think it's a gender thing. Plenty of men are cheating on their wives, as the OW forum shows. They clearly aren't still in love with the one woman.

 

Your issues are your own Woggle, I hate that you feel the need to make out every woman is the bad guy because you happened to marry a crazy nut. I actually saw you suggest to my SO on another thread that he shouldn't allow himself to let his heart be in it 100% because he will more than likely be cheated on. Thanks for the vote of confidence and I'd rather be alone the rest of my life than be married to someone that thinks like you. You've always enjoyed the little drama you detail on here about your loving wife that you keep this side of you from. Have you actually started an original thread on this forum in the last 2 years?

 

Plenty of men cheating on their wives doesn't make it any better that plenty of women also cheat.

 

He's setting himself up for failure.

He's pushing her so far away, that eventually, she may well tip over the edge.

 

And then, of course, it will be all her fault, because she wasn't looking where she was going....

 

He just seems so SCARED and that is so useless in this situation. The reality is she could cheat or leave him but he should treat it as if she won't. If she does cheat or leave him then he will be olright.

 

Woggle is so worried that his wife may get up and leave him one day or cheat on him.

 

If anything she should be worried about him. Woggle has mentioned it on here many times that when he is single he can bag many women and that he is such a player and he has said that he misses that lifestyle.

 

We should be worried about you pyro

[Pyro]

We should be worried about you pyro

 

say a prayer for me child.

[Green]

say a prayer for me child.

 

Please it wouldn't do any good you are hopeless

[TaraMaiden]

This is ridiculous.

 

Nobody gets it.

[Citizen Erased]

Plenty of men cheating on their wives doesn't make it any better that plenty of women also cheat.

I didn't say it did. Woggle was going on about how men are so loyal once in a relationship and women aren't. My point was that both sides do it, it's not a gender thing.

 

And Woggle, your anti-women agenda aside, you inferred something negative about MY character when giving Pyro that "advice". So yes, I will take that personally.

[Green]

I didn't say it did. Woggle was going on about how men are so loyal once in a relationship and women aren't. My point was that both sides do it, it's not a gender thing.

 

And Woggle, your anti-women agenda aside, you inferred something negative about MY character when giving Pyro that "advice". So yes, I will take that personally.

 

I think men and women both have it bad in different ways but in the end I am very glad I am a man because I don't have to give birth... Its less likely I'll be raped... and my strength makes me less of a target for violent crime.... I also think we are tougther.

[TaraMaiden]

Oh here we go....

 

Let's not start the 'we are but you are' crap.

 

You have your points, we have our points.

You have your flaws, we have our flaws

you have your good stuff, we have our good stuff.

You have your weaknesses, we have our weaknesses.

 

let's all just accept that, and move on, shall we?

[TaraMaiden]

Everybody leaves somebody.

Everybody lets someone else down.

Everybody abandons the togetherness.

sooner or later we all find ourselves alone.

 

Dying is the ultimate divorce.

Would it not be better to focus on the glorious benefit of being with someone, here, now and making the very best of it, because sooner or later, the person you love, the person you are with, the person you're looking at right now, with love, affection and devotion - will die....?

 

Do you want to make the brief time you have together, full of worry, uncertainty and doubt - or wouldn't it be better to say "Hell, who knows what's round the corner? Let's get this on now, live it to the full, because it lasts for as long as it lasts, and then it ceases!"

 

Like it or not, this isn't for ever.

Nothing is.

Nothing ever has been, and nothing ever will be.

The one thing you can count on, for sure, is impermanence.

 

If our SO walks out in front of a bus tomorrow, you'll rue the moment you didn't live your life together, to the full, today.

[Tony T]

everybody leaves somebody.

Everybody lets someone else down.

Everybody abandons the togetherness.

Sooner or later we all find ourselves alone.

 

Dying is the ultimate divorce.

Would it not be better to focus on the glorious benefit of being with someone, here, now and making the very best of it, because sooner or later, the person you love, the person you are with, the person you're looking at right now, with love, affection and devotion - will die....?

 

Do you want to make the brief time you have together, full of worry, uncertainty and doubt - or wouldn't it be better to say "hell, who knows what's round the corner? Let's get this on now, live it to the full, because it lasts for as long as it lasts, and then it ceases!"

 

like it or not, this isn't for ever.

Nothing is.

Nothing ever has been, and nothing ever will be.

The one thing you can count on, for sure, is impermanence.

 

If our so walks out in front of a bus tomorrow, you'll rue the moment you didn't live your life together, to the full, today.

 

excellent post, excellent advice!!!

[BlackLovely]

How do you expect women to not take it personally when you make statements like the bolded ones above? You didn't even say "some" or "most" women. You are referring to every last one of them.

 

CE and I are getting married and we are going to make it work. I know we are going to make it work because we are going to go out of our way to make it work so that we will never be as scared and as miserable as you are.

 

IMO get a divorce and you will have no reason to be scared. Get a divorce and go live your "player" lifestyle that you "claim" to have had when you were single and you never have to worry about being cheated on or betrayed EVER again.

 

IMO you have no business giving any kind of advice on here or anywhere due to you being biased. When you have an open mind and can look at things from all perspectives then feel free to come back.

 

I don't think that Woggle truly expects women not to be offended. I think he hates us, so he enjoys saying awful things. Don't let misogyny get your back up, dear.

 

Everyone has some sort of bias, due to their life experiences. You also have no business telling any poster he can't come back, just because he upset you. We all have the right to express opinions here.

[BlackLovely]

Woggle, have you ever considered therapy?? It might help with some of the trust issues...

I'm only saying this because I have MAJOR trust issues with men. I grew up seeing EVERY husband in my family sleep around, as well as being subjected to abuse.

I found a kind and insightful therapist to help me. My fiance is also very supportive and loving. The trust issues will never be gone, but they have improved.

[keane2010]

I have to disagree with the statement that women always fall out of love. I'm a people watcher - it's why I love writing as a hobby.

 

Once thing that is very common with men is that we often don't really make the effort to grow with our wives over time, or at least fill the needs they have over time. We're told to just be ourself. If that's the case, then just marry another man. Women want to grow over time also, but feed off of different stimuli. We must learn those, which takes effort.

 

I feel your pain, but with the current wife, why not just tell her that you want to learn to adjust to her needs over time?

[Woggle]

I don't know how a man can look at the current dating climate between men and women and not come to these conclusions. If a woman is not like this then disregard what I am saying but more often than not they are in my experience. Just look at these boards as an example.

[xxoo]

Woggle, you've had a horrible experience, and have poor examples in your peer group. You must have better role models somewhere.

 

What about your wife's family? Does she have any still married grandparents? Any examples of long love that you can identify with?

 

If not, why not volunteer at a senior center and talk to the lonely widows missing their partners of decades? Sometimes it helps to get outside your own relationship, your own mind, and your own bubble to see the big picture.

 

As for me, my god I love my H . Tara's last post speaks to me. Great love ALWAYS risks great loss. It is part of being human. Live so that today's joy is worth tomorrow's pain.