wheelwright Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Do people from damaged childhoods stay in a M just because it is so comforting to have found someone who is there for them? Or is someone being there for you love? If you never had it, are you likely to mistake it for love? ?? And then with an AP, could you actually find it, and then fail because you did not believe? I don't mean limerance. I mean love like I feel for my kids. Or are things more prosaic, and love is what you make it. Because despite great effort on my own part, I don't have a satisfactory answer.
fooled once Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Do people from damaged childhoods stay in a M just because it is so comforting to have found someone who is there for them? No, I got a divorce Or is someone being there for you love? Huh? what does that mean? If you never had it, are you likely to mistake it for love? ?? Love can be mistaken for lust or infatuation. And then with an AP, could you actually find it, and then fail because you did not believe? ??? I don't mean limerance. I mean love like I feel for my kids. Or are things more prosaic, and love is what you make it. Because despite great effort on my own part, I don't have a satisfactory answer. I don't understand a majority of this post..sorry.
florence of suburbia Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 I've wondered whether most marriages turn romantic love into familial love by default. In other words, your spouse becomes a substitute for your parents, or you a substitute for your spouse's parents. The relationship is doomed from the start since whoever takes the child role must eventually leave in order to "grow up".
Ellin Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 I've wondered whether most marriages turn romantic love into familial love by default. In other words, your spouse becomes a substitute for your parents, or you a substitute for your spouse's parents. The relationship is doomed from the start since whoever takes the child role must eventually leave in order to "grow up". Oh, wow! What an interesting point of view! I never looked at it that way before but I think it definitely does happen. It can easily be the case when someone did not receive enough love, acceptance and attention from parents in childhood and enters a R with a person who is more mature and also caring and loving. Perhaps it doesn't necessarily have to end in leaving, but it's one of possible outcomes.
Spark1111 Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Do people from damaged childhoods stay in a M just because it is so comforting to have found someone who is there for them? Yes, could be true. But I doubt that is love. It sounds more like co-dependency. Or is someone being there for you love? It depends on their actions, not only in your behalf, but towards you--The Person. If you never had it, are you likely to mistake it for love? ?? Yes, you could. And then with an AP, could you actually find it, and then fail because you did not believe? Also possible. I don't mean limerance. I mean love like I feel for my kids. Or are things more prosaic, and love is what you make it. Because despite great effort on my own part, I don't have a satisfactory answer. Love has to exist inititally. You can't force yourself to love someone. But if you loved them initially, you can return to that state by fueling those feelings on a daily basis. Try to imagine if they were taken from you tomorrow. How do you feel? Do you feel crushed? Or indifferent? Or are your emotions more self-protective as in "How will I afford this house? These kids?"
Mimolicious Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 I don't understand what you are trying to ask either. I gotta say, FOS has brought up an interesting point.
Silly_Girl Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 I've wondered whether most marriages turn romantic love into familial love by default. In other words, your spouse becomes a substitute for your parents, or you a substitute for your spouse's parents. The relationship is doomed from the start since whoever takes the child role must eventually leave in order to "grow up". I find this incredibly interesting. I also find myself thinking that I have had 2 'children' fly the nest already!! My MM's relationship is extremely familial. It always was but now it is what I would consider to be the extreme. I wonder how that can be avoided....
desertIslandCactus Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 I'm sorry, but I don't remember if I read it in one of your threads, so I have to ask: Is your H abusive?
Spark1111 Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 I find this incredibly interesting. I also find myself thinking that I have had 2 'children' fly the nest already!! My MM's relationship is extremely familial. It always was but now it is what I would consider to be the extreme. I wonder how that can be avoided.... This may sound too pat: He has to examine his childhood and his relationships with his parents. We often choose (fall in love with?) a spouse who exemplifies a more improved version of the parent we had the least successful relationship with. Why? We want to create a closeness, a validation and a sense of approval we were not granted in childhood. We then start to act out our childhood dynamics by projecting onto our SO those very qualities we liked AND disliked about that parent. That's a lot of baggage to bring to the party....
Brokenlady Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 There's a really great book on this topic called: when the past is present - healing the emotional wounds that sabotage our relationships
Silly_Girl Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 This may sound too pat: He has to examine his childhood and his relationships with his parents. We often choose (fall in love with?) a spouse who exemplifies a more improved version of the parent we had the least successful relationship with. Why? We want to create a closeness, a validation and a sense of approval we were not granted in childhood. We then start to act out our childhood dynamics by projecting onto our SO those very qualities we liked AND disliked about that parent. That's a lot of baggage to bring to the party.... Hhmmm. Not sure. My marriage was sibling-like. I think MM's is more her than him. And the fact there's no groping, snogging, attraction or sex must contribute to that.
In_Repair Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 I've wondered whether most marriages turn romantic love into familial love by default. In other words, your spouse becomes a substitute for your parents, or you a substitute for your spouse's parents. The relationship is doomed from the start since whoever takes the child role must eventually leave in order to "grow up". So this would imply that people who grow old together and remain married until death... those people only do so because one of them never grew up and they had issues with their parents?
Butterfly11 Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 I had issues growing up... abandonment. I needed someone to be there, which is why I probably settled in my first marriage. It was also why I probably picked unhealthy relationships. When I finally learned to let go and come to terms with my childhood, my relationships got healthier. I think being there for your kids is definitely different then being there for a spouse. I couldn't fall out of love with my child. So, I wouldn't define being there as love. I think those of us that had childhood issues may have a warped idea of what love is, and especially what kind of love you deserve.
Author wheelwright Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 Love has to exist inititally. You can't force yourself to love someone. But if you loved them initially, you can return to that state by fueling those feelings on a daily basis. Try to imagine if they were taken from you tomorrow. How do you feel? Do you feel crushed? Or indifferent? Or are your emotions more self-protective as in "How will I afford this house? These kids?" Guilty? Frightened? Indifferent or used to be? Relieved? Guilty again? Very slightly lonely? Like you want to love them. Now you know what love is. Like you are worried it's too late, but you don't know for sure.
drewsmom Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 my stbxh had a terrible childhood, The family moved once a yr and only because their father got bored with the houses he would build and have to build a new one, thats selfish to me you were bored but didnt think of how this affected your children moving to different neighborhoods different schools, lose your friends you just made. then the parents got divorced and the mother was so selfcentered she didnt even care for the children, there are 3 boys they were 3, 14 my ex and 15 so they werent to young to understand, that she wasnt there for them she was laying around woe is me. thinking of the next thing to do to the ex like filling his car with the hose, spray painting his house, the police were there all the time. so this is what the kids seen. her sister in law had to come take care of the boys from morning till bed time. she should be ashamed to call herself a mother. they got nothing they needed while the divorce was going on. they needed there parents mabey a hug now and then. I think that is the reason my stbx didnt show his emotions at all he didnt know how to express his feelings. I think the biggest shock he got out of our divorce was I never let him see me cry, I was sad for a week and a half then my son said mom you havent cooked a nice meal in a while, that was it, I woke up, it wasnt about him or me it was about my son. he needed me, my ex must have thought i would be like his mother, but suprise, i have no regrets that i never begged him to come home. I am living for my son, and if he dont want me than so be it, i can replace him i could never replace my son, he is my world. my stbx would come to get my son and i would be up cleaning and doing everything i used to do, i always did my hair and make up and looked good, His aunt even said he was probably expecting me to be his mother laying around begging, hell no, he can go. when i would talk to his mother she would say he has issues from his childhood, she will never take the blame for the way her sons are, she told me they didnt have the counseling they do now when he was growing up, bull ****, you were just to wrapped up in yourself to get them help, her own brother says she would have thrown her sons under a bus to get the father back. pretty sad. so mabey he thought he got his mother but I am so far from her, I have never in my life met a mother like her.
Author wheelwright Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 I'm sorry, but I don't remember if I read it in one of your threads, so I have to ask: Is your H abusive? I don't know. He has been - putting me down the main element, but also the cutting me off from my friends and family. He is definitely someone who puts other people down to feel better about himself. But he is also, loyal, stable and capable of discussing his behaviour without flying off. And he didn't say I couldn't see my family and friends - just made damn sure everyone knew by his moods and behaviour that they weren't welcome round ours. He is clever. But I wouldn't say he is consciously manipulative.
Author wheelwright Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 I had issues growing up... abandonment. I needed someone to be there, which is why I probably settled in my first marriage. It was also why I probably picked unhealthy relationships. When I finally learned to let go and come to terms with my childhood, my relationships got healthier. I think being there for your kids is definitely different then being there for a spouse. I couldn't fall out of love with my child. So, I wouldn't define being there as love. I think those of us that had childhood issues may have a warped idea of what love is, and especially what kind of love you deserve. I agree, and find this hard in the light of so much I have read on LS. Does anyone get this/
desertIslandCactus Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 I don't know. He has been - putting me down the main element, but also the cutting me off from my friends and family. He is definitely someone who puts other people down to feel better about himself. But he is also, loyal, stable and capable of discussing his behaviour without flying off. And he didn't say I couldn't see my family and friends - just made damn sure everyone knew by his moods and behaviour that they weren't welcome round ours. He is clever. But I wouldn't say he is consciously manipulative. I haven't read everything. But it always seems to be an either/or with you. You have reminisced about the AP, even though he seems to be a cad. And you seem to feel there is a lot worth saving with your M, otherwise you wouldn't be in it? I agree your husband is loyal, I like that he popped the AP. But I think you should test your M, so that your husband will give you someone to love. In other words, you shouldn't allow it when he puts you down. He is to cherish his wife. And if he needs instructions before your family visits, so be it. If he abides, then perhaps you will draw closer to him.
Author wheelwright Posted August 21, 2010 Author Posted August 21, 2010 I haven't read everything. But it always seems to be an either/or with you. You have reminisced about the AP, even though he seems to be a cad. And you seem to feel there is a lot worth saving with your M, otherwise you wouldn't be in it? I agree your husband is loyal, I like that he popped the AP. But I think you should test your M, so that your husband will give you someone to love. In other words, you shouldn't allow it when he puts you down. He is to cherish his wife. And if he needs instructions before your family visits, so be it. If he abides, then perhaps you will draw closer to him. Thank you for this very sensible response to my seemingly endless internal/LS discussions (yawn...). I need sensible. It's right here.
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