Dan Kohn Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 I was dating the love of my life for a year and a half. I fell in love with her in August 2008. It was love at first sight. I was lucky to see her again in January 2009 in Thailand. We hit it off right away and she told me she loved me within the first three weeks. She went back to the U.S. and I was depressed because I wouldn't see her for 5 months. We committed to a relationship, but fearing abandonment, one night I got black-out drunk and cheated on her. When I woke up I felt absolutely devastated that I had slept with someone else. I confessed what I had done and thought she would dump me, but she didn't. I ended up not getting my visa renewed (Actually I sabotaged getting it renewed), and in February I moved back to the U.S. I moved in with, we talked about marriage, children, etc. We had sex 2-3 times a day, we spent all of our time together, I said she was beautiful and that I loved her so much every day...But we were both depressed...And in the next year and a half she broke up with me a good 6-7 times, never for more than a few days at a time. It was mostly because I was drinking and depressed, and missing Thailand. She doomed the relationship frequently, saying she was going to die alone, that I would leave her for someone younger when she didn't look good anymore... In November 2009 I wasn't feeling happy or adored as much as in Thailand when we met. Probably because we were both depressed and she felt unappreciated and said she would just die alone. I started talking with women inappropriately online and in texts. Not cyber sex, but it was cheating since I kept it a secret. One of the women was her employee. She started talking to me about having a 3-some with me and my ex. I was feeling really insecure and wanting attention. I had opportunities to sleep around, but I never did. It was a cry for help, I guess. Then my ex looked in my phone and found a text to another girl. She flipped out and I told her about the 4 girls I had spoken with. I came clean because I wanted honesty in the relationship & our relationship needed help. It broke my heart to hurt her...none of the women were worth her pain, and I never intended to be with any of them...And she was the most beautiful girl in the world to me... In March I got accepted into a PhD program in Thailand. In March she dumped me again, relating to the texting and lack of trust following (Which I quit doing when she found out in November). She went out of town and asked me to be out by the time she returned, on a Monday. I did as she asked and maintained NC for a week. I decided to go into drug treatment to stop drinking and smoking weed (almost all the cheating came when I was f----- up). The relationship was more important to me than using and I had been f------ up 24-7 for 13 years...I moved out on Sunday and was scheduled to enter treatment the following Monday...She emailed me the day before I went in and said she missed me horribly. We got back together and things seemed ok. When I was in treatment, we talked every day on the phone, she visited every visiting period. I cried a lot, she said she was proud of me. For months leading up until May, when I planned to go to Thailand for school, we did a lot of crying. I was unwilling to make a plan with her to come with me because I wanted some time to settle in, establish myself with my advisors so I could get her a post-doc, etc. I wanted space to figure out what I wanted. We agreed to an open relationship, but I didn't want anyone else and she said she was going to be alone. I said, we should be free to see other people in the meantime, but I still love you, you're irreplaceable...She said she felt the same for me, that I was irreplaceable, she would never love anyone as much as me, etc... In April she left the state for the summer to work. In early May she offered me $500 to visit her. I said no, that's ok just pay for my gas, as I needed to save my money. I drove out of state and visited her. Everything was good, but on the last day she woke up early in tears and we started arguing. I got mad because I didn't want to spend my last day with her fighting, so we both agreed I should just leave. I cried and told her I didn't want to leave her. That I didn't even want to go to Thailand anymore. I cried all day before I left, and I cried during the entire plane flight to Thailand (21 hours). I was in complete denial I was leaving, and the departure came too soon. I wish I would have made a plan for her to go with me, but I was too depressed and confused to make a decision... When I got to Thailand and into school, communication was difficult. We were on opposite time schedules. I was only able to Skype her for a couple hours a day and I missed Skyping her a few times. She started acting really cold. We started arguing and eventually I got really pissed and sent her an email saying she should just lose my email and we should act like we never met. She was being distant and I got scared. I emailed her a week later (the 2nd week of June). I apologized and said I missed her. She said that she lost any desire to talk to me because I was being such an *******. I kept calling her and trying to fix it, and she said that she had already moved on. For the last couple of weeks, she was really happy, and that with time and distance, she realized how miserable she was with me. The employee I had spoken with about 3-somes went and told everybody that worked with my ex that we had cybersexed and god knows what else. She lied to cover her ass. And it got back to my ex and she was really hurt, angry, and embarassed. She said she couldn't talk to me for a very, very long time. She needed to heal. She still hadn't gotten over when I was talking to other women. I tried to explain that I was sorry for doing that but that's why I got sober...But she didn't want to hear it... I started to completely lose it. I started drinking again, and then got suicidal. I checked myself into the hospital in Bangkok and the doctor prescribed benzodiazapines, a narcotic (for an addict!). I cut my wrist in the hospital. Then I got out and went back to school around the 20th of June. I was screwed up on the benzos and I emailed my ex like 30 times. Saying 'how can you do this', 'you're the love of my life', etc...She eventually agreed to Skype one last time. She said that she wasn't in my life anymore, so I need to move on. She said she was in love with a new boyfriend (of 2 weeks), and that she couldn't talk to me anymore because she can't love 2 men at once. She said she didn't trust me anymore, that I wasn't respecting her wishes by contacting her, and that she was really very very happy for the first time in a long time (I don't know if that means she over justified the break). She said she would never forgive me for talking to other women and that there was nothing I could do to change it (which confused me because the texts were in November 2009, but she acted like she was in love with me after, constantly until The breakup...) She said she still loved me and cared about me, that she still loves my body, but I crossed a line and she couldn't just turn her emotions on and off for me. She was happy with the decision she made and was 90% sure she wouldn't date me again even if I came back to the states. She said that she wasn't in my life anymore and that needed to move on. I showed her my wrist and she laughed, saying 'I should have cut with the vein and ended it gladiator style'. I was crushed, it was the worst thing that anyone has ever said to me...but we still talked on Skype for 5 hours. She was already dooming her relationship with her new boyfriend, saying he'd probably get sick of her. He lives out of state and my ex just signed a year long contract to stay in my home city in Minnesota. She said they would see eachother on weekends. It's a 15-hour drive one way to Michigan. She said it was the last time we would talk (June 25th), that speaking to her was hurting her too much and that she had a new bf that she loves and I had to respect that. They were playing pool together (I taught her to play, I'm a shark), she said he treats her really well, he completely adores her and they have so much fun...and they love each other (after 2-3 weeks...just like me and her)...and she tried to make Thai food for him (she doesn't cook much, but I made Thai every day for us)... I went home to the U.S. and I checked myself into the depression unit at the hospital for 3 weeks. I was obsessing about her telling me I should have cut with the vein. I was on suicide watch for 10 days, the seen in Gladiator where Russell Crowe cut his arms just kept playing over and over again in my head... It's the 14th of August, and I haven't heard from her in 6 weeks. I sent her a hand-written letter last week saying I agreed with the breakup and that I was really happy now, but then I had bad anxiety and sent her an email telling her I never slept with anyone else and that her employee lied. I said she was projecting a lot of things on me. She said she couldn't be with me because I chased the first shiny object that crosses my path (with her having a new bf) and that I do emotional 180s (she went from loving me to hating me in a week...there was only maybe 2 weeks of detachment) and that I never wanted to be with her when I had her (even though she dumped me 6-7 times, I never once dumped her). Then a few days later I felt guilty about her employee embarrassing her and I sent an apology e-card to ask forgiveness. She's coming home to Minnesota at the end of August to fulfill her year-long contract. She said she was afraid that if I came home, I would bully her or guilt her into getting back together, & that everyone would blame her for my leaving school...She asked me to get my name off our lease here in the U.S. I called and the landlord said it didn't matter because she wil be moving out of the place when she gets back... I screwed up and broke NC again on Monday...I sent her 18 texts saying I missed her and that I was hurting and suffering and I wish she would talk to me, etc.... She hasn't spoken to me in 6 weeks. I haven't been with her in person for three months. I'm suffering so much...I've been an atheist my whole life, but now it seems like all I do all day is pray for her to be safe, for her to be happy, and for her to forgive me and come back...
shirusu Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Alright. I readed it all, and it really hitted me. First of all, why having sex with other womans? There is no reason for that at all. Suicide? Maybe a bit too serious? There is still people who are 50 years old with no GF's and still dating. 6 weeks? She obviously doesn't care about you AT ALL. Stop playing with your life, why praying to a girl who doesn't even have feelings for you? ( Now I try not to look at the past, because the things you did were just too stupid, can't describe. So now I will tell you what to do) Stop praying for her, if you decided to believe in god, pray for him. Say sorry for not being sure of his existence. If you believe in god, be sure that he will help you. Knowing that you are not alone, and have a future after you life ends is a good thing to know for self-confidence. Happiness brings more happiness. And after all, your relationship hasn't been stable at all. There is no future in that, maybe the god you are beginning to believe in are giving you signals to leave her. It can be very hard to end something, but when your ex did. I am sure you can too! When you manage to sleep with other girls, it's should be easy to end it with her too? It's like.. Common sense? = Summary. No future in that relationship, STOP sleeping with random girls. Find the one who is meant to be with you, and live your life. Good luck with your journey. ~Shirusu
Author Dan Kohn Posted August 15, 2010 Author Posted August 15, 2010 Dude I wasn't sleeping with random girls. I cheated on her once in the first week we were together, a year and a half ago. I'm not saying what I did was right, but I never touched another woman after that.
Don Ho Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Ok Dan. First problem. It was not love at first sight, it was strong physical attraction and infatuation. She did not love you after three weeks, that too was infatuation. Along with that goes "idealizing" your Ex. You believe she was the most beautiful, the best woman you'll ever find and so on. The truth is you're making an ideal image of her in your head that not totally real. Then when you lose your "ideal" woman, it drives you crazy. She may seem like she was your perfect woman, but she is not perfect. And, believe it or not, she is not the only "One" and the only woman you will love. I know this is difficult, but you have to try to see that she has flaws and that she is not perfect. You will fight me on this, but believe me, she is not the "only one" you can or will love. I believe that there are many of "The One" and place and timing have everything to do with it. I have been where you are a long, long time ago. It's not a good place. You have an issue with compulsions and obsessions. You're obsessed with her and you cannot control you impulse to contact her. This has to do with YOUR issues, not her. I don't know what happened to you when you were younger or if someone close to you died (and we really do not need you to tell us) but you need to continue getting help. I know what you want: you want the pain to go away, you want your mind to stop racing around, you want to find peace. Hurting yourself and substances are NOT the way to do that. They make it worse. Trust me, I know. In my unprofessional opinion, I think you need to: 1. Get clean and sober and go to meetings consistently. 2. Get professional help from a good therapist that specializing in people that have issues with compulsions and anxiety. 3. Get proper medication from a qualified Doctor or Psychiatrist to help your calm you mind, you anxiety and your compulsive behavior. 4. Stop contacting your ex for YOUR sake and sanity. I know from experience how hard this is to do, but do it. It doesn't matter if you have to stay with a friend 24/7 or whatever as long as you're not contacting her. Like I said. I have been where you are. It's next to impossible to see things clearly and you have to have the correct outside help to get better. Get back to taking care of YOU. Believe me, in a little while you will feel better and not be so haunted with all of these emotions. Good luck bro!
skydiveaddict Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Dude I wasn't sleeping with random girls. I cheated on her once in the first week we were together, a year and a half ago. I'm not saying what I did was right, but I never touched another woman after that. Yea but that one breach of trust is enough to ruin everything. Always be a man and do what's right. There are consequences for that, you must now face them
GrayClouds Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 1. Get clean and sober and go to meetings consistently. 2. Get professional help from a good therapist that specializing in people that have issues with compulsions and anxiety. 3. Get proper medication from a qualified Doctor or Psychiatrist to help your calm you mind, you anxiety and your compulsive behavior. 4. Stop contacting your ex for YOUR sake and sanity. I know from experience how hard this is to do, but do it. It doesn't matter if you have to stay with a friend 24/7 or whatever as long as you're not contacting her. Yes, good luck.
shirusu Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Dude I wasn't sleeping with random girls. I cheated on her once in the first week we were together, a year and a half ago. I'm not saying what I did was right, but I never touched another woman after that. Let me try to explain what you did. To chat with different woman or whatever you did is totally wrong. When people are in relationships, they don't get drunk? So lets say.. Hmm.. Okay: You and your GF have a stable relationship. Now one night, your GF decides to take some drugs and having sex with another man. The GF you maybe were going to marry slept with another guy? = A.k.a. Making babies with another man? That means: YOU were going to make a child of your and her genes, with a woman who even weren't near your life? The worst thing was that you had a GF at the same time? A stable relationship? It's not a small thing dude? Saying sorry doesn't help in these situations. You couldn't **** it more up? The only thing which is worse than that, is to end her life. The thing you did is not going to disappear in her mind? Poison stuff will go through her brain every time she gets sad? You really messed up? You made her life shorter? - Thats to explain how serious your fail actually was, and I don't respect that action at all. None does! So to look at your own situation: Suicide? Why making your life shorter at your age? Why? What about a girl from Thailand? What about forgetting all you did, starting a new relationship? What about starting a new stable relationship in the country you love? Do everything right from the beginning? Getting children? Live your life. Right now you are blind, you only see one option. I belive there is 2,5 billion ladies on this planet. If you really are atheist then you shouldnt belive in fate? Think about that. - I hope you get out of your blindness. ~Shirusu
Sambo Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 (edited) Dan, Dan, Dan You are like a ship with no rudder right now but the good news is you are praying. You seem like a very emotional person but you also are obviously very intelligent to be accepted into a PHd program but wisdom without self control is useless. The God you don't believe in yet is drawing you closer to him and he wants to get to know you and love you. Use all the energy you have right now and INVESTIGATE faith and GOD. Find your own unique path to him. I'm not a huge believer in Religion per say but they are a very good place to start. If you would just change your prayer a little you will find the peace your looking for. Pray that GOD comes into your life (and hers if you like) and shows you the truth and his path for your life and ask that HE takes over and surrender yourself to him in complete trust ...... then just see what happens. If you want some specific prayers I will find some for you but I do not wish to force my personal beliefs unto you because I believe that's a personal journey between you and him but if you want some help and guidance just ask. In closing let me tell you that I can totally relate to your story and as a younger man (and even recently) I have done the some of the same stupid things that you have, so I am not perfect by any means but I now have peace because of my love and faith in God. Edited August 15, 2010 by Sambo
shirusu Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 (edited) Sambo, I am not agreeing in what you are saying. First of all, what I meant with god and him, was that he should realize maybe god is helping him getting out of danger. You are kinda forcing him to get Christian. Honestly, I think people can choose themselves, God doesn't need missionaries. With all respect I think you are completely wrong with you tell him that you will send him prayers. Sounds a little fake? Makes me think of someone who wants to make everyone Christian,. He gotta choose himself. Not getting forced by other people. Then, the Christian God doesn't want you to pray for him. Nowhere in the bible something like that is written. I am sorry to say, but you are completely wrong! What you needa believe in to be Christian is: Mighty Jesus is son of god. Jesus is god, Holy spirit is god, God is Jesus, and Jesus is Holy spirit. - The Trinity. This may be a bit offtopic, but on the other side, if our fellow topic creator wants to be Christian he knows that no praying is needed. _________________________________________________________________--------------------------------- /I do not feel like a missionary myself, and I can tell that I am not a Christian. I believe in the Christianity and Islam, maybe even the Judaism. A very special combination. Not advertising God or anything. _________________________________________________________________--------------------------------- That was more like a reply, and some information. Hope it wasn't offtopic. Edited August 15, 2010 by shirusu
Sambo Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Maybe you should read my post over again and this time pay attention to the part where I specifically say "I do not wish to impose MY beliefs on him". If he wishes to remain atheistic that's entirely his choice and Don Ho has given him some excellent advise on who to get help going down that route. Sambo, I am not agreeing in what you are saying. _________________________________________________________________--------------------------------- That was more like a reply, and some information. Hope it wasn't offtopic.
nittanylion Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Dan, Whatever you do, dont harm yourself. You have a lot of life left in your existence. I feel your pain, and I am in the same shoe as you are except I am not a cheater. LOL! Recently, my ex-gf cheats on me. It was very hurtful cause I put my faith and love into her for 2.5 year LDR. I maintained NC for about 2 weeks, and continue to do so. I intended to move on with my life no matter how hard it's. I cant trust her anymore because she destroys every ounce of trust we had built up to this point. Guess what? She contacted about 3 days, left no messages, and I didnt pick up the phone. HAHA! The point I am making, if you remain NC, move on with your life, and improve yourself, there might be a slim chance you with hear from her down the line. Rite now, its not the rite time for you to have any contact with her whatsoever. Be a man, and accept your responsibility for the demise of your relationship. Hopefully, you learn from it, and not make the same mistake on your next relationship. I am praying and hoping you will get better.
lalalandman Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Was your girlfriend Thai? I dated a FOB Thai once, and she was crazy. I say, just forget about her. She'll figure out what she's missing later. And if she doesn't then she wasn't really the love of your life. Sometimes you just need to be patient, and let go.
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