What does he want?

[ShannonMI]

Hi I joined yesterday and just need some advice. I was dumped by my boyfriend of nearly 8 years a few months ago. I'm heartbroken to say the least. We had a great relationship as far as I could tell. We didn't fight, we loved each other, we were comfortable and secure. We even went through a few life changing events together that I thought had given us a very strong bond. He just decided that we weren't right for each other and that "we are travelling different paths" (his words). He still says he wants to be friends. He insists we can be friends even though I've told him countless times that it isn't going to happen. I can't just turn off the "love" feelings I have for him and be buddies. We owned a dog together as well and I took him when we split up. My ex wants visitation of the dog every week. Even though I told him he should just let the dog go like he did me. He claims the dog wants to see him. I laughed at that. It's a dog, not a child. The dog has plenty of people in his little doggy life. If he never saw my ex agan, he'd be ok. Nonetheless we made an arrangment that he could take the dog every week on Saturday. He could pick him up and drop him off while I was at work. I told him I didn't want to see him or have contact with him because it hurts way too much. My question is what are his true motives with the friend thing and insisting to see the dog? Is it to keep tabs on me? Is it because he still cares? Is it because he still loves me? Does he want to remain friends because he needs me as a back- up plan? He told me when we first broke up that he would always love me, but he had changed and we weren't right for each other. Now he won't even tell me he has any "love" feelings at all. I'm just confused. As of a few days ago, I told him no more contact and no more dog. Period. He said that when I was ready to be in contact with him and let him see the dog then to call or email him. He'll be waiting a long long time, I'm afraid! I just need some feedback, I guess. What does he really want? Thanks

[TaraMaiden]

Shannon, I'm going to tell you what I tell everyone who asks long questions about their exes.

In fact, it's general advice given by everyone, when people need answers or seek some kind of closure:

 

Don't bother.

Forget it.

Don't ask.

Let it go.

You cannot ever, EVER second-guess or find anything out about what motivates an ex- to do stuff like this.

Please believe me when I tell you, you are not alone.

In either having your ex- do and say some inexplicable stuff, or in wanting to find out what the hell they're playing at.

Loads of exes do crazy stuff like this....

What they are doing is -

Yanking your chain, keeping you rooted to the spot, throwing you breadcrumbs and keeping themselves current in your life and not letting you move on, and let go.

 

It's an Ego-trip.

he figures he's still important enough in your life, to have the right to freak you out, and keep it bubbling.

 

There is truly only one thing you honestly can do to stop him getting one over on you.

 

Go complete No Contact, and refuse point-blank to be drawn into his little chain-yanking game.

Do not respond, do not react, do not reply.

Delete all texts - before you even read them. Refuse all phone messages, and change his name on your phone to "Jerk@$$" so that you know to not reply when he rings.

Block him on Facebook, delete all e-mails and direct all communications into your spam folder (don't even check that one!) and train the dog to bite his ballsack every time he says its name.

 

Ok, ok..... I'm kidding with that one.

 

(Tempting though, isn't it?? )

 

Just go completely off his radar, and make sure you never even give him the time of day.

It's your time, after all.

Why give it away to him, of all people?

He had you, and all your time.

Now, he's blown that privilege.

[JackJack]

Wow he says its becauise he has changed and you're not right for each other. That's vague and I guess he doesn't care to explain what it is that has changed in him and WHY he feels you're not right for each other?

 

I guess at this point it doesn't really matter. I know you're hurt and it will take some time, but its best to move on the best you can. I don't blame you about the dog thing. He doesn't need to see the dog. Sounds like an excuse to keep you on a string incase something else doesn't work out with another person.

[ShannonMI]

Thank you for the advice. I agree the no contact is the best way to go. I hate that I still love him so much. It's just so painful, but hopefully I can get past this.

[ShannonMI]

Thank you for the advice. I just need to move on and have zero contact