I Blame - Me

[LostInTurn]

My friends and family, I feel, want to scream at me. They tell me I always take the blame and that non of what happened is my fault (ultimately) Sure, when the breakup happened we both reacted but that's normal.

 

I have reviewed the scenario in my mind so many times. It's difficult to remind myself that I did a magnitude of wonderful and amazing things for hims the duration of our relationship. He didn't do much except be there. Please don't think I have taken him for granted, but he just didn't appreciate what I did for him.

 

It's difficult for me to see the bad even though I need to.

 

I miss the routine. I miss the daily messages and being able to fall asleep at night.

 

Earlier this week, was probably the worst. we hadn't talked and I had written him a short heartfelt email. He wrote a nice message back to me. We emailed a few times, but the emails were stressful. Email is no way to communicate because everything is misunderstood. He told me he would have called me that night, but wasn't going to because he was frustrated.

 

It's difficult to see who someone really is and reacts under pressure. Looking back, I did so much good... no matter what fights we may have had these past few weeks. Nothing can take away from all I did for him. I think that's the part that breaks my heart the most.

 

I hope he realizes everything I did for him and why. I hope he stops and thinks about how much I loved him. That makes me cry... I get so upset thinking of all I did for him and how it's all just gone now.

 

I don't even know what to believe anymore. I feel so bad for my friends and family because they see how much pain I have. They see me and how lost I am. I can't help it though. I try, but it hurts so much.

[bonpaw2008]

My friends and family, I feel, want to scream at me. They tell me I always take the blame and that non of what happened is my fault (ultimately) Sure, when the breakup happened we both reacted but that's normal.

 

I have reviewed the scenario in my mind so many times. It's difficult to remind myself that I did a magnitude of wonderful and amazing things for hims the duration of our relationship. He didn't do much except be there. Please don't think I have taken him for granted, but he just didn't appreciate what I did for him.

 

It's difficult for me to see the bad even though I need to.

 

I miss the routine. I miss the daily messages and being able to fall asleep at night.

 

Earlier this week, was probably the worst. we hadn't talked and I had written him a short heartfelt email. He wrote a nice message back to me. We emailed a few times, but the emails were stressful. Email is no way to communicate because everything is misunderstood. He told me he would have called me that night, but wasn't going to because he was frustrated.

 

It's difficult to see who someone really is and reacts under pressure. Looking back, I did so much good... no matter what fights we may have had these past few weeks. Nothing can take away from all I did for him. I think that's the part that breaks my heart the most.

 

I hope he realizes everything I did for him and why. I hope he stops and thinks about how much I loved him. That makes me cry... I get so upset thinking of all I did for him and how it's all just gone now.

 

I don't even know what to believe anymore. I feel so bad for my friends and family because they see how much pain I have. They see me and how lost I am. I can't help it though. I try, but it hurts so much.

 

I know Lost, I feel the same way. Mine never did anything for me except be there. I romanticized the relationship into something really spectacular, and it wasn't. It was one-sided, driven by me, and he never wanted it.

 

But now it isn't about what you did for him, it is about what you are going to do for yourself. You need to stop giving him the control of knowing that you still want to be with him. You need to be strong and stay in NC. He only makes you feel worse when you have contact with him, and that is like picking at a scab and not letting it heal. If he wanted to be with you he would be. You need to let go of that contact and hoping and concentrate on you.

 

Nothing is your fault, and it's not his fault either. It is fate, destiny, it is the universe's way of putting you on another path.

 

Good luck - you will get through this

[LostInTurn]

It's difficult not to blame myself.

 

I know I need to focus on me. I try everyday. A couple weeks ago I would just stare into space. Not thinking. None of this is normal for me. I'm a 'thinker'. I think of every scenario possible regarding anything. The fact I have not thought about this from every possible scenario.

 

Now, I find myself thinking back to the beginning. Thinking about the most random events which took place. I know I can't.

 

I wanted to call today. I can't explain how much I wanted to call... I'm sure someone reading this will understand how much I wanted to call. I didn't though. It's not easy.

 

There are days that pass where I think in time it will all be fine. There are other days when I'm not sure if it will be. I don't feel anything anymore. I feel very alone, even though my family and friends are all very supportive.

 

I went to dinner with a good friend of mine the other night. We sat outside and there was a live band. From the moment I sat down, I wanted to leave. I felt as though I was going to have a panic attack. She thought it would have been best for me to stay out, but I needed to go home.

 

I want to be myself again. I want to be that happy outgoing girl I use to see staring back at me in the mirror. All I see now is a girl who's dyed her hair brown from blonde, no makeup and sad puffy red eyes.

 

I know how much it hurts my family and friends to see me like this. It hurts me too.

 

I keep asking myself why. I keep telling myself this wasn't suppose to happen.

 

I just want to be me again. I want my life back.

[bboy]

Ahem.....

 

From what you have written, you sound like an intelligent, caring and wonderful woman. Could you please elaborate again why a man who's not interested in putting in any effort at all would be worth you? And with the way he acted would be someone to put a life long bond with?

 

This sounds more like you're disappointed that your efforts didn't give you the reward you wanted. NOT that this was the dream guy really.

 

I'm sorry. I don't believe for a second if what you wrote is true, that what has happened to you is bad. Some gut feeling tells me it's the best thing that has ever happened to you - but this can only be proven by time.

 

Probably if you take your will power somewhere else and do charity or equal things, you'll see that there are actually people there who appreciate you for your efforts. Not just someone who's "being there".

[LostInTurn]

Thanks for you kind words 'bboy'...

 

I know you're correct. Everyone around me tells me and asks the same questions.

 

It's when I look back that it hurts. I see the good things, and forget about all the times I was hurt or upset about something, meanwhile I was still giving to no end.

 

It hurts in the morning. When I wake up and realize it wasn't just a dream, if that makes any sense.

 

I don't know what is out there for me, and right now I don't think anything is. I look at the person he was, and there were many things in him I had always known I wanted in a relationship; however, there were other things that I knew if they continued I would not have been happy like that forever. It's difficult to see the negative. We easily see the good.

 

There are times when I wonder if he thinks of it? If he misses me? Us? He claims so. I don't know how I could ever believe that though.

 

I believe you when you say this is the best thing that has happened to me and I will see that in time. Some moments, I know this. Other moments, I feel as though this is the most untrue statement there is. I hope I realize sooner than later that I'm ok and will be just fine without him.

 

On a side note: I put myself on a dating website (I have no idea why) I'm still so upset about this entire ordeal, I don't want to go out and meet anyone in a public place, so I don't know what I was thinking signing up. Secondly, I'm mad at myself because I could meet someone else in 'real life' and I shouldn't need to join an online dating service.

 

This all is very confusing and makes me very sad.

[hurt and devastated]

Bboy is right. The only thing you should feel bad for is him not having any interest in your relationship. I scoffed when a friend told me I would look back on what happened to me someday and say her leaving would be the best thing that happened to me. But you know what? They're right. I'm nowhere close emotionally to fully accepting it, but I do know I deserve better, and so do you.