He Told His Wife About Me And She Wants To Make The Marriage Work

[Billie]

I am looking for advice on what to do, how to cope and if people think a marriage can survive after an affair.

I have been seeing an older man for the last 10 months. I was being very realistic about what it was and was trying not to let too many feelings build up.

A few months into the relationship he admitted he loved me. He has had many affairs in the past and I took his admission with a pinch of salt. However as our relationship progressed I began to feel more for him. Recently I told him that the thought of him going home to his wife and sleeping with his wife was really beginning to hurt me.

He told me that he was thinking of leaving his wife for me but I said that he shouldn’t as it would be too complicated, the age difference would make things difficult for our future, plus his adult children would never forgive him. I told him we should take a break from each other as it was getting too intense and he was at risk of his wife finding out.

He lasted 4 days without contacting me and when he did he told me he could not live without me. He loved me and he wanted to make it work. I had missed him too and found pushing him away incredibly difficult. I told him I was unsure of what to do. I knew I loved him, but was still being very realistic about our relationship. We decided to meet and talk things through. I wrote a list of things for him to think about, things that he may loose if he left his wife.. this list ranged from the fact that he would have to do his own washing and ironing right through to the idea that his children may never to speak to him again. I too thought about the sacrifices I would have to make, I could never have children if I was with him and the age difference may not matter now but may be difficult in the future.

I told him that maybe he should just tell his wife he was unhappy in their marriage and nit mention the affair, that way he might stand a chance of getting a better idea of what she thought about the state of their marriage but he said he didn't think he could do that.

Anyway, after him being persuasive and thinking things through I told him that if he wanted to, I would be willing to make those sacrifices because I believed we would have a fantastic future together. He told me he had thought everything through and that he wanted me too.

The next day he told his wife. She was incredibly upset and remarkably not angry. He told me that she blamed herself and that also she wanted to make the marriage work. She did not want him to leave.

He then came back to me and said he needed to do some serious thinking. I did tell him that this is what I’d been telling him all along. Anyway, a few days past and he called me and said that he has decided to stay at home with his wife.

I am now heart broken. I was the one being realistic but he managed to convince me that us being together was right. I got incredibly mad at him and told him that he if wanted to fix his marriage he should have taken my suggestion of talking to his wife to tell her he was unhappy - at least this way he would not drag my name through the mud too!

I said that if he is starting fresh with his wife he should make a real go for it and tell her of his other infidelities, including the 2 year affair with his wife’s best friend, but he is too cowardly to do that, firstly as it will hurt her and secondly it will drop the best friend in it.

Anyway, he is now not allowed to talk to me, see me or contact me. I am left confused and hurt and utterly lost. I miss him so much and after his suggestions I was getting ready to spend the rest of my life with him.

He told me that it was a very hard decision to make, but he needs to see if he can give his marriage a try. He said he does not know if it will work out and he still does not know if he is making the right decision but he loves his wife and wants to try and make it work.

I know I should be mad at him and be thinking that I am too good and can do better, but really I feel awful. I miss him, I want him and I feel hurt to think they are off patching their relationship up whilst I am in bits. Really the only thought that is helping is the thought that they may not be able to patch their marriage up. I cant help it but I am convincing myself that it will be over with them soon and he will come back to me. Again, I know if he does he is not worth it, but I just cant help how I feel. I am also worried that if they make it work I will be hurt all over again.

[Jilly Bean]

I don't think he ever told his wife anything, honestly. I think you pushed things too far for him (seriously? A list of the chores he'd need to do on his own?), so he wanted to end it with you, and the only way to do so permanently, was to pretend he's back home full-time. You changed things from being light and easy, to heavy and complicated.

 

He's a repeat cheater. He'll be out there soon enough with another OW, someone less demanding, however. And yes, he will stay with his wife forever, like they all do.

 

Rather than think about what's going on in their marriage, why not spend time and energy figuring out why you were an OW for 10 months to an old fart. That's really going to be your takeaway from all of this.

[scatterd]

I am looking for advice on what to do, how to cope and if people think a marriage can survive after an affair.

I have been seeing an older man for the last 10 months. I was being very realistic about what it was and was trying not to let too many feelings build up.

That is the way affairs start.A few months into the relationship he admitted he loved me. He has had many affairs in the past and I took his admission with a pinch of salt.Every affair he most likely said the same things to them. However as our relationship progressed I began to feel more for him. Recently I told him that the thought of him going home to his wife and sleeping with his wife was really beginning to hurt me.You knew he was married and was going to be sleeping with his wife.

He told me that he was thinking of leaving his wife for me but I said that he should’t as it would be too complicated, the age difference would make things difficult for our future, plus his adult children would never forgive him. I told him we should take a break from each other as it was getting too intense and he was at risk of his wife finding out.

Of course if he left the wife would find out and I bet she suspects something is going on.He lasted 4 days without contacting me and when he did he told me he could not live without me. He loved me and he wanted to make it work. I had missed him too and found pushing him away incredibly difficult. I told him I was unsure of what to do. I knew I loved him, but was still being very realistic about our relationship.So being realistic you know what you need to do. We decided to meet and talk things through. I wrote a list of things for him to think about, things that he may loose if he left his wife.. this list ranged from the fact that he would have to do his own washing and ironing right through to the idea that his children may never to speak to him again. I too thought about the sacrifices I would have to make, I could never have children if I was with him and the age difference may not matter now but may be difficult in the future.you are already concerned about your future as you should be also why would he not cheat on you to.

I told him that maybe he should just tell his wife he was unhappy in their marriage and nit mention the affair, that way he might stand a chance of getting a better idea of what she thought about the state of their marriage but he said he didn't think he could do that.

Of course not then she would be able to leave and find someone who loves and does not cheat on her.Anyway, after him being persuasive and thinking things through I told him that if he wanted to, I would be willing to make those sacrifices because I believed we would have a fantastic future together. He told me he had thought everything through and that he wanted me too.

What happened to the realistic part of it and how he is older?The next day he told his wife. She was incredibly upset and remarkably not angry. He told me that she blamed herself and that also she wanted to make the marriage work. She did not want him to leave.

Is this what he told you or do you know this is what happened remember he did not want his wife to know.He then came back to me and said he needed to do some serious thinking. I did tell him that this is what I’d been telling him all along. Anyway, a few days past and he called me and said that he has decided to stay at home with his wife.

wow he worked it out so he does not have to be the bad guy.I am now heart broken. I was the one being realistic but he managed to convince me that us being together was right. I got incredibly mad at him and told him that he if wanted to fix his marriage he should have taken my suggestion of talking to his wife to tell her he was unhappy - at least this way he would not drag my name through the mud too!

I said that if he is starting fresh with his wife he should make a real go for it and tell her of his other infidelities, including the 2 year affair with his wife’s best friend, but he is too cowardly to do that, firstly as it will hurt her and secondly it will drop the best friend in it.

of course he does not want to tell her that means being honest and possibly losing her but remember he wanted you.Anyway, he is now not allowed to talk to me, see me or contact me. I am left confused and hurt and utterly lost. I miss him so much and after his suggestions I was getting ready to spend the rest of my life with him.

He is selfish and all over the place he wants you but he wants to work out his marriage.He told me that it was a very hard decision to make, but he needs to see if he can give his marriage a try.Because his marriage was not as bad as he made it out to be. He said he does not know if it will work out and he still does not know if he is making the right decision but he loves his wife and wants to try and make it work.

another contradiction know I should be mad at him and be thinking that I am too good and can do better, but really I feel awful. I miss him, I want him and I feel hurt to think they are off patching their relationship up whilst I am in bits. Really the only thought that is helping is the thought that they may not be able to patch their marriage up. I cant help it but I am convincing myself that it will be over with them soon and he will come back to me. Again, I know if he does he is not worth it, but I just cant help how I feel. I am also worried that if they make it work I will be hurt all over again.He is doing you a favor this is a blessing in disguise he would cheat on you someday too.Go NC and get over him he is messed up read what you wrote and look how he is all over the place he has you confused.Good Luck

[Billie]

I dont think i was putting too much pressure on. the list was not a list of chorse, it was a list of things his wife does for him that he takes for granted. I wanted to make him aware and fully appreciate what he would be giving up.

 

I was telling him i was fine with his marriage and his wife. He was the one who kept saying he wanted to leave and be ith me. I tried pushing him away, but as the relationship went on i felt more for him. It started to bother me about him being with his, it didn't always, but it then started to. He told me he wanted to leave, and i finally agreed and told him I wanted to be with him properly.

 

He then told his wife and now he wants to make it work with her.

[sadintexas]

I know it hurts. It will get better with time. You have to try to put him in the back of your mind and go forward. Even if he comes back around, odds are it will just be to resume an A. I doubt you want to go through this kind of pain again, so keep that in mind.

 

This is how it usually ends. Regardless of the feelings between the AP's, the good intentions, or whatever...it usually ends with them staying at home. The reality of leaving is too much. Hence why A's are referred to as fantasy so often.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. Just remember that it will get better. Stay NC. It really does help.

[Billie]

Thank you. I appreciate your kind words.

 

I am so hurt at how it handled everything, my feelings are still very raw and despite him hurting me so so much all i can think is that i love him and miss him. whilst he is off trying to reconcile his marriage I am sitting here hoping that it will never work.

 

I know this is a horrible thing to think, but i feel shunned and hurt. I suppose that is how his wife would feel if he did actually decide to leave her for me.

 

I am also worried about him. It has been his choice to tell his wife, when really, with the descion he made, he actually didn't need to. He would have been better to leave me, not tell her and just try and make his marriage work. I would have respected him more for that, but instead he opened his mouth, ruined his wife's life, my life and his. I am wrroied about his future and if he will be ok and happy, and do hope he does not finish off his life in misery. But, i guess that is his choice.

 

I feel guilty for him suffering in his marriage right now, but i tried to tell him to think about things before he told her.

 

grrrr turmoil.

[sadintexas]

Sometimes ignorance is bliss, but if he really wants a shot at having a good relationship with his wife, coming clean about all of it (including the other A's) is the only way that's going to happen.

 

If he's suffering, it's by his own hands. Not because he chose to tell her, but because he chose to have A's in the first place. It's important to keep that in perspective.

 

Time away from him will help you see the flaws in all of this. The first that you need to start thinking about is the fact that he's cheated on more than one occassion...one of them with his wife's best friend for two years. If you were with him, would you feel comfortable knowing that none of your relationships are sacred? Any one of your friends or co-workers or relatives could be his next A partner? Would you be loving and understanding if you learned that the relationship that you emotionally, physically and financially invested in over the years had been breached and disrespected to the highest degree possible? Are you able to see him as a coward yet? A man who selfishly kept his wife at home while he sampled whomever whenever he chose? I bet he expected her to be faithful while he was doing this. A real man would have let her go. He selfishly wanted it all. After you grieve, I suspect you will start to accept some of this as the truth.

 

It's natural to want something (someone) back that you've lost. Especially when there's no real closure, or when you weren't ready for the loss. It's much akin to the death of a loved one. You'll have to go through the stages of grief. It's normal so don't beat yourself up over it. Just take it as it comes and get help if/when you need it.

[Billie]

Thank you again,

 

I really appreciate your advice and would love to know your story.

I told him he was a coward. When I was trying to tell him to think about things before he told her, i asked him how he would feel if after they split up, he found out she was seeing someone, and that new man was with his ex. He said he could not bare the thought of it. But nor could he bare the thought of me being with anyone else.

 

I know now and have known for most of the relationship that he has some big character flaws. He is a coward, sellfish and wants to have his cake and eat it too. He does not think things through properly and he is constantly trying to keep everyone in his life happy by telling them what they want to hear, often sacrificing his own happiness to appease them.

In everyday life he is scared of being open and honest about things he thinks or feels through fear of friends, family, workmates thinking badly of him. He is 28 years older than me and I was councilling him, teaching him that honesty and openess in everyday life and talking to people about how you really feel is the only way, that way they take you for who you are.

 

Anyway, he is a mess and i think that is why i cant bring myself to hate him even though I am fully aware that I can do better and that i have probably lucked out in the long run, i feel for him and his unhappiness. Even though he created it himself, I just want him to find peace.

I hate not knowing if he is ok. But it is all still so raw, that I am hurt aswell.

[fooled once]

I am looking for advice on what to do, how to cope and if people think a marriage can survive after an affair.

I have been seeing an older man for the last 10 months. I was being very realistic about what it was and was trying not to let too many feelings build up.

A few months into the relationship he admitted he loved me. He has had many affairs in the past and I took his admission with a pinch of salt. However as our relationship progressed I began to feel more for him. Recently I told him that the thought of him going home to his wife and sleeping with his wife was really beginning to hurt me.

He told me that he was thinking of leaving his wife for me but I said that he shouldn’t as it would be too complicated, the age difference would make things difficult for our future, plus his adult children would never forgive him. I told him we should take a break from each other as it was getting too intense and he was at risk of his wife finding out.

He lasted 4 days without contacting me and when he did he told me he could not live without me. He loved me and he wanted to make it work. I had missed him too and found pushing him away incredibly difficult. I told him I was unsure of what to do. I knew I loved him, but was still being very realistic about our relationship. We decided to meet and talk things through. I wrote a list of things for him to think about, things that he may loose if he left his wife.. this list ranged from the fact that he would have to do his own washing and ironing right through to the idea that his children may never to speak to him again. I too thought about the sacrifices I would have to make, I could never have children if I was with him and the age difference may not matter now but may be difficult in the future.

I told him that maybe he should just tell his wife he was unhappy in their marriage and nit mention the affair, that way he might stand a chance of getting a better idea of what she thought about the state of their marriage but he said he didn't think he could do that.

Anyway, after him being persuasive and thinking things through I told him that if he wanted to, I would be willing to make those sacrifices because I believed we would have a fantastic future together. He told me he had thought everything through and that he wanted me too.

The next day he told his wife. She was incredibly upset and remarkably not angry. He told me that she blamed herself and that also she wanted to make the marriage work. She did not want him to leave.

He then came back to me and said he needed to do some serious thinking. I did tell him that this is what I’d been telling him all along. Anyway, a few days past and he called me and said that he has decided to stay at home with his wife.

I am now heart broken. I was the one being realistic but he managed to convince me that us being together was right. I got incredibly mad at him and told him that he if wanted to fix his marriage he should have taken my suggestion of talking to his wife to tell her he was unhappy - at least this way he would not drag my name through the mud too!

I said that if he is starting fresh with his wife he should make a real go for it and tell her of his other infidelities, including the 2 year affair with his wife’s best friend, but he is too cowardly to do that, firstly as it will hurt her and secondly it will drop the best friend in it.

Anyway, he is now not allowed to talk to me, see me or contact me. I am left confused and hurt and utterly lost. I miss him so much and after his suggestions I was getting ready to spend the rest of my life with him.

He told me that it was a very hard decision to make, but he needs to see if he can give his marriage a try. He said he does not know if it will work out and he still does not know if he is making the right decision but he loves his wife and wants to try and make it work.

I know I should be mad at him and be thinking that I am too good and can do better, but really I feel awful. I miss him, I want him and I feel hurt to think they are off patching their relationship up whilst I am in bits. Really the only thought that is helping is the thought that they may not be able to patch their marriage up. I cant help it but I am convincing myself that it will be over with them soon and he will come back to me. Again, I know if he does he is not worth it, but I just cant help how I feel. I am also worried that if they make it work I will be hurt all over again.

 

I don't believe he told his wife. I think he gave you that excuse. Why oh why do OW believe all the words that come out of a MM's mouth?????? He is a liar and a cheater. He is great a deception and manipulation. He told you all the things he knew you wanted to hear.

 

You really think he is going to throw away a 30 year marriage for a 10 month affair?? :confused: You stroked his ego, you fed his selfishness and his self esteem -- this younger woman wanting him. He liked the excitement of new sex, of sneaking around, of having this younger woman fawning all over him.

 

Yet, each night, he returned to his wife. He made the decision to work on his marriage. He made the decision to stay married -- even after all the affairs he has had.

 

NOW you want his wife to know of all the affairs he had -- you believe that by her finding this out, she will kick him to the curb and he will come to you. Why would you want someone who didn't choose you to begin with? Why would you want someone who only came to you because his wife rejected him?? Think about that...

Thank you. I appreciate your kind words.

 

I am so hurt at how it handled everything, my feelings are still very raw and despite him hurting me so so much all i can think is that i love him and miss him. whilst he is off trying to reconcile his marriage I am sitting here hoping that it will never work.

 

I know this is a horrible thing to think, but i feel shunned and hurt. I suppose that is how his wife would feel if he did actually decide to leave her for me.

 

I am also worried about him. It has been his choice to tell his wife, when really, with the descion he made, he actually didn't need to. He would have been better to leave me, not tell her and just try and make his marriage work. I would have respected him more for that, but instead he opened his mouth, ruined his wife's life, my life and his. I am wrroied about his future and if he will be ok and happy, and do hope he does not finish off his life in misery. But, i guess that is his choice.

 

I feel guilty for him suffering in his marriage right now, but i tried to tell him to think about things before he told her.

 

grrrr turmoil.

 

I truly am sorry you are hurting.... but stop worrying about him. He isn't worried about you. He is off with his wife, working on making things better OR he is off trying to find another OW since he is a serial cheater. Maybe his wife got suspicious and instead of coming clean like HE TOLD YOU he did, he told her you were pursing him and he didn't know how to get you to leave him alone? Maybe he and her are laughing at how you are needy and desperate for a man you will take an older guy (NOT that you are; but you really have NO IDEA what is going on in their home --- none).

 

He isn't suffering in his marriage :laugh: come on, why do you think that? Because he told you that? Why would you believe that?

 

Instead of being angry at him for the games he has played with you (and with all the other women he has had affairs with), you are sitting and worrying about HIM!!! Man, he has you snowed.

 

Why would you want someone who has told you how much of a cheater he is? Why do you think you would be the one who could get him to stop cheating??

 

I don't say any of this to hurt you --- but to stop you from thinking about this poor guy and how hard it must be for him to stay in the marriage he obviously has no desire to leave.

 

Focus on YOU. Focus on healing. Focus on why you were willing to settle for being with a MM. Focus on why you don't think you deserve your OWN man, your OWN full time relationship? Focus on why you would want to be with a guy who cheats all the time.

 

Put him behind you. Get angry. Stop feeling sorry for him. I guarantee you he is not at home crying and feeling sorry for you.

 

I know you want him back. Hopefully, that will fade in time when your mind clears. Hopefully, with counseling, you will figure out why you would want someone like this who isn't worthy of you. Best of luck to you and I truly am sorry you are hurting.

[Billie]

What is NC?

 

 

 

I know that he is a cheat, a lier, a coward. But i have developed feelings for him and they dont go away overnight.

 

I still feel for him and want him to be ok. I worry that he is lying to me and telling stories to his wife about me that are not true, but I did not think that until I read it here. and honestly, I do believe he is telling me the truth. He told me lots about himself and I still believe what he is telling me now. I know it must be said a lot of the time, but i really do believe he is being honest to me. At least he was, until he told his wife, as soon as he told her, something in him changed, he was not speaking as him anymore.

 

I have been fooled, even if he was telling the truth i have still been fooled.

 

I think I will be ok, I have plenty of time to move on, I have no partner, no children, I am independent and I live on my own. But I worry for him.

 

He told me that he would not contact me anymore. Though i still get the feeling that this is not over.

 

Are there any OW out there who have been contacted by their MM after the affair was out in the open and he chose to stay with his wife?

[BB07]

What is NC?

 

 

 

I know that he is a cheat, a lier, a coward. But i have developed feelings for him and they dont go away overnight.

 

I still feel for him and want him to be ok. I worry that he is lying to me and telling stories to his wife about me that are not true, but I did not think that until I read it here. and honestly, I do believe he is telling me the truth. He told me lots about himself and I still believe what he is telling me now. I know it must be said a lot of the time, but i really do believe he is being honest to me. At least he was, until he told his wife, as soon as he told her, something in him changed, he was not speaking as him anymore.

 

I have been fooled, even if he was telling the truth i have still been fooled.

 

I think I will be ok, I have plenty of time to move on, I have no partner, no children, I am independent and I live on my own. But I worry for him.

 

He told me that he would not contact me anymore. Though i still get the feeling that this is not over.

 

Are there any OW out there who have been contacted by their MM after the affair was out in the open and he chose to stay with his wife?

 

Billie........there are numerous stories here at LS about the very question you asked. More than likely he will contact you again and he will want to resume the affair. You need to think very, very carefully about that because odds are if you do, you will be inviting more pain and more angst on yourself. Since he is such a practiced cheater, he may have it planned this very way. He'll pop back into your life, and all you will get is crumbs, he will string you along for years, just as long as you put up with it. If I were you.........I'd think very carefully about his serial cheating. Google it.......read up on it. Again, you don't know that he really told his wife anything, it may all be part of his plot to get you where he wants you.

 

Read some of the threads here about how MM's go back and forth and lie, string alone the AP's, sometimes for years, read some of the serial cheater threads........it's much worse pain than what you are dealing with now. The best thing you can do for yourself is let it go.........NOW.

 

Take care...............BB

 

NC........is no contact.

[pureinheart]

Thank you. I appreciate your kind words.

 

I am so hurt at how it handled everything, my feelings are still very raw and despite him hurting me so so much all i can think is that i love him and miss him. whilst he is off trying to reconcile his marriage I am sitting here hoping that it will never work.

 

I know this is a horrible thing to think, but i feel shunned and hurt. I suppose that is how his wife would feel if he did actually decide to leave her for me.

 

I am also worried about him. It has been his choice to tell his wife, when really, with the descion he made, he actually didn't need to. He would have been better to leave me, not tell her and just try and make his marriage work. I would have respected him more for that, but instead he opened his mouth, ruined his wife's life, my life and his. I am wrroied about his future and if he will be ok and happy, and do hope he does not finish off his life in misery. But, i guess that is his choice.

 

I feel guilty for him suffering in his marriage right now, but i tried to tell him to think about things before he told her.

 

grrrr turmoil.

 

I understand how you feel...although (this is just my opinion) these worlds are separate...kinda like step-parenting, your in it, but not really, there is no say so in that sitch. His M is not your problem...and I don't mean to make that sound mean, just matter of (my) fact.

 

I am so sorry your going through so much:(

 

What's that saying...if you let them go and they come back they're yours forever, if they stay gone they were never yours in the first place...it actually talks about "birds"...I am doing a horrible job of paraphrasing, but you get the picture...hey once again, I'm sooooo sorry....

[torranceshipman]

I'd bet my apartment on the fact that he hasn't told his W anything, and just told you that, so he could end things with you easily and with no problems - this is because you started making demands (in his mind they were demands!) - I am sure he likes A's as long as they are fun and carefree, but as he is a serial cheater, he clearly has a well practiced get out strategy as soon as the OW starts asking for stuff, or getting more serious.

 

He is a multiple cheater, and a really nasty piece of work if he can spend 2 years having sex with his W's best friend behind her back. That is actually sick. I think you need to pull back and try to get some objectivity here...he is really not the kind of guy you should be pursuing a R with.

 

Also he won't leave his W. But he WILL continue to have A's. And lastly, so sorry to say this, but I am sure he told all the OW's he loved them.

 

Also, don't waste your time worrying about him - he isn't sad. He is enjoying his comfortable family life, and is enjoying being in his family home, with his W and kids, with all the comfort and security that this brings. He only looks like a mess when he is with you as he is putting on an act - basically anything that keeps you interested in him, giving him attention and stroking his ego. It is a harsh thing to say, but all this concern you have for him is wasted - when you sit there thinking, oh poor man, he put us all before him, well, that is crap. He has sex with you, his W, before that his W's best friend and God knows who else. Why the hell would you think this is a man that puts other people before himself?

Edited August 14, 2010 by torranceshipman

[Billie]

I'd bet my apartment on the fact that he hasn't told his W anything, and just told you that, so he could end things with you easily and with no problems - this is because you started making demands (in his mind they were demands!)

 

you make some valid points, but i am struggling with something. A few people on here have said they do not think he told his W.

 

In our R he was the one who wanted to tell her, i was trying to talk him out of it. A few weeks ago I told him that my feelings were getting stronger for him, so i wanted to end it. I told him we should take a break from eachother, get some space as i could never ever ask or force him to leave his W. He went for 4 days without contacting me. He Called me up and told me he could not be without me. He convinced me that we should make a go of it and after some thought, i agreed. He then told his wife. (Or at least told me he told his wife) - Why would he lie about this to get rid of me, when I ended it just the week before?

[jennie-jennie]

you make some valid points, but i am struggling with something. A few people on here have said they do not think he told his W.

 

In our R he was the one who wanted to tell her, i was trying to talk him out of it. A few weeks ago I told him that my feelings were getting stronger for him, so i wanted to end it. I told him we should take a break from eachother, get some space as i could never ever ask or force him to leave his W. He went for 4 days without contacting me. He Called me up and told me he could not be without me. He convinced me that we should make a go of it and after some thought, i agreed. He then told his wife. (Or at least told me he told his wife) - Why would he lie about this to get rid of me, when I ended it just the week before?

 

Billie, you are the one who knows your married man. You know him the best. To me your story as you told it seems very probable. A lot of these married men get cold feet once they tell their wives, once they see their wives hurt. For a while that will be what matters the most to them, until things have settled down at home, then the love they feel for their other woman starts popping up again.

 

You are hurting enough in this situation without having to shoulder the additional burden of suspecting more than there likely is to suspect. Realize that this reaction from the married man is very common, and that it does not say anything at all about the love he holds for you. Take a deep breath, try to take care of yourself and stay as calm as possible, and let the days pass. Your married man is likely to contact you again, sooner or later.

 

Listen to Pure's wise words:

If you love something, let it go.

If it comes back to you, it is yours.

If it doesn't it never was.

 

Hugs,

Jennie

[jennie-jennie]

Billie, I read your post in the "Unfounded Hope?" thread. You need to stay strong, don't contact him, let him come to you if that is to be. Let him miss you.

 

I've been there crying my heart out when my married man "worked on his marriage". He lasted six days. You can't really work on a marriage when you are in love with someone else. You just can't.

[MorningCoffee]

Why would he lie about this to get rid of me, when I ended it just the week before?

 

Whether consciously or unconsciously, IMO he's using a style or technique of manipulation called "push-pull". It's dance that many relationships seem to get caught up in. I recognize it only cause . . . well, I recognize it. Nuff said.

[Jilly Bean]

Billie - as I said earlier, I seriously doubt he ever told his wife anything.

 

I think he lied to you when he said that, so that if you thought she already knew about you, you wouldn't get any ideas of your own to tell her after he ended your affair.

 

This guy sounds like he has the routine DOWN. He had a good time for as long as he wanted it, and then when you pushed for more and were becoming an effort, he cut you loose, and wanted to make sure you wouldn't do anything to interfere in his marriage.

 

Hence the (rather obvious) lie that he told her about you and is working on the marriage.

[fooled once]

you make some valid points, but i am struggling with something. A few people on here have said they do not think he told his W.

 

In our R he was the one who wanted to tell her, i was trying to talk him out of it. A few weeks ago I told him that my feelings were getting stronger for him, so i wanted to end it. I told him we should take a break from eachother, get some space as i could never ever ask or force him to leave his W. He went for 4 days without contacting me. He Called me up and told me he could not be without me. He convinced me that we should make a go of it and after some thought, i agreed. He then told his wife. (Or at least told me he told his wife) - Why would he lie about this to get rid of me, when I ended it just the week before?

 

 

Yet he has dumped you now and decided to stay with his wife? How is that not lying?

 

But you didn't end it -- he called and you let him back in. He knew you would do that. which is why he will call you again one day, and hopefully, you are stronger, want better for yourself and refuse to settle for being his hidden mistress.

 

I stand by my thoughts - no way he told his wife about you. NO WAY. If he did, don't you think SHE would have tried to contact you? Don't you think you would have heard from HER?

[blizzard]

you make some valid points, but i am struggling with something. A few people on here have said they do not think he told his W.

 

In our R he was the one who wanted to tell her, i was trying to talk him out of it. A few weeks ago I told him that my feelings were getting stronger for him, so i wanted to end it. I told him we should take a break from eachother, get some space as i could never ever ask or force him to leave his W. He went for 4 days without contacting me. He Called me up and told me he could not be without me. He convinced me that we should make a go of it and after some thought, i agreed. He then told his wife. (Or at least told me he told his wife) - Why would he lie about this to get rid of me, when I ended it just the week before?

 

It's a game. And it is likely he met someone else.

 

But he is a textbook case. Same ole thing that happens to all of us. Life is grand...future is paved with promises and I love you's...then bam! Dumped. In a split second they walk. You MM is monster just like the rest. Empty. They hurt people to feel something. Best advice is to stay busy and have NC. Spend time with ppl. Volunteer.

 

You don't want him back. You are better than that...than him. Put yourself in the driver seat. I PROMISE it will get easier.

[siuys]

Your story sounds a lot like mine, except I fell completely in love, and he is only 3 years older than i. I also considered him and his family more than I considered myself. How very stupid. Stuff him. He is definitely old enough to weigh up what is important and what isn't, and get a spine to make some decisions. Instead of worrying about him, you need to be gentle with yourself, and move on. Forget this and move away from this toxic situation which will only drag you down further. Good luck. And don't forget, the pain will dissipate with time. But you need to commit to a decision - forget him now.

[jennie-jennie]

Yet he has dumped you now and decided to stay with his wife? How is that not lying?

 

But you didn't end it -- he called and you let him back in. He knew you would do that. which is why he will call you again one day, and hopefully, you are stronger, want better for yourself and refuse to settle for being his hidden mistress.

 

I stand by my thoughts - no way he told his wife about you. NO WAY. If he did, don't you think SHE would have tried to contact you? Don't you think you would have heard from HER?

 

And why would Billie have heard from the betrayed spouse? I never once contacted any of the women my exSOs betrayed me with. Most BSs don't.

 

I can't for the life of me understand why people need to pour salt in Billie's wounds, making up stuff that might have happened, when there is no indication that it has.

 

Billie, your MM is a serial cheater, which does not bode good for you. But from that to painting the devil on the wall and making him worse than he is... I don't understand that.

[jj33]

I can't for the life of me understand why people need to pour salt in Billie's wounds, making up stuff that might have happened, when there is no indication that it has.

 

Billie, your MM is a serial cheater, which does not bode good for you. But from that to painting the devil on the wall and making him worse than he is... I don't understand that.

 

 

Excellent post Jennie.

 

Billie you are in a tough position.

 

You need to decide what you want. You want more than an A.

 

I was in that position where the W knew and didnt care as long as he did what he needed to do and kept up appearances and beleive me it was no picnic.

 

Whether or not the BS knows is irrelevant from your point of view.

 

The question is do you want to be with him if he is still married and do you really want him to get divorced? Of course you do in theory but are you prepared for the reality.

 

Dont continue the affair if you want more. Wait until he is at least separated (although that seems to be fraught with pitfalls as well because sometimes they go back).

 

Im sorry you are hurting

 

Big hugs

[scatterd]

I am sorry you are hurting but I hope you are taking the advice here.We all have heard the same kind of situation over and over here and many OW have lived it.You need to stay

NC move on with your life and take care of your self.The pain does get worse the longer it goes on your MM cares about getting caught he says she knows so he has no threat of you telling.Come here often for all the support you needand take care of your self.

Edited August 15, 2010 by scatterd

[Fight4Me]

I also agree that whether or not he really told his wife is irrelevant to you. As difficult as it may be, you need to focus on healing and learning from this.

 

What I would suggest is buying a journal (could be a notebook, or whatever) and a really lovely pen. Sounds silly, but taking some action, any small action, can make you feel like you're making some progress. Begin writing daily, if not several times a day, whenever the pain hits strongest, or you discover something new about all this. Keep this journal specifically about xMM. The idea is that even in a few weeks time, you can read your first entries and see how far you've come. Pretty soon, those entries will make you sick to your stomach (assuming you keep NC), and when/if he does try to contact you, you have something tangible to remind you that going back to that place is the last thing you want to do.

 

If you mess up, have contact, keep up the journaling. You will still see yourself evolving, and hopefully, the more time that goes by, the more you can appreciate the person you've become.

 

It's just a thought, something to think about that will help during those times when you feel most alone. You can know you are at least accomplishing something.

 

Good luck (from a fBW)