Friends with an ex?

[ShannonMI]

Hi I joined yesterday and just need some advice. I was dumped by my boyfriend of nearly 8 years a few months ago. I'm heartbroken to say the least. We had a great relationship as far as I could tell. We didn't fight, we loved each other, we were comfortable and secure. We even went through a few life changing events together that I thought had given us a very strong bond. He just decided that we weren't right for each other and that "we are travelling different paths" (his words). He still says he wants to be friends. He insists we can be friends even though I've told him countless times that it isn't going to happen. I can't just turn off the "love" feelings I have for him and be buddies. We owned a dog together as well and I took him when we split up. My ex wants visitation of the dog every week. Even though I told him he should just let the dog go like he did me. He claims the dog wants to see him. I laughed at that. It's a dog, not a child. The dog has plenty of people in his little doggy life. If he never saw my ex agan, he'd be ok. Nonetheless we made an arrangment that he could take the dog every week on Saturday. He could pick him up and drop him off while I was at work. I told him I didn't want to see him or have contact with him because it hurts way too much. My question is what are his true motives with the friend thing and insisting to see the dog? Is it to keep tabs on me? Is it because he still cares? Is it because he still loves me? Does he want to remain friends because he needs me as a back- up plan? He told me when we first broke up that he would always love me, but he had changed and we weren't right for each other. Now he won't even tell me he has any "love" feelings at all. I'm just confused. As of a few days ago, I told him no more contact and no more dog. Period. He said that when I was ready to be in contact with him and let him see the dog then to call or email him. He'll be waiting a long long time, I'm afraid! I just need some feedback, I guess. What does he really want? Thanks

[Don Ho]

Hey Shannon. Sorry that you're hurting so much. Doesn't matter what he wants, only what you want and how to minimize your pain. I agree NC and no dog. It doesn't matter the reason, it's best for you to not have dog visitation because that will keep you in pain. He said he is ok with you going NC and ND, perfect! Stick to it you will feel better sooner. Oh, and just shower your doggie with more love that will make you feel better too! Keep us posted.

[ShannonMI]

Hey Shannon. Sorry that you're hurting so much. Doesn't matter what he wants, only what you want and how to minimize your pain. I agree NC and no dog. It doesn't matter the reason, it's best for you to not have dog visitation because that will keep you in pain. He said he is ok with you going NC and ND, perfect! Stick to it you will feel better sooner. Oh, and just shower your doggie with more love that will make you feel better too! Keep us posted.

 

Thanks Don Ho. I appreciate the advice,

[Sambo]

Sorry this may hurt but he wants a back door option in case he can't find someone else.

 

Are you happy being someones back up plan?

 

 

 

Hi I joined yesterday and just need some advice. I was dumped by my boyfriend of nearly 8 years a few months ago. I'm heartbroken to say the least. We had a great relationship as far as I could tell. We didn't fight, we loved each other, we were comfortable and secure. We even went through a few life changing events together that I thought had given us a very strong bond. He just decided that we weren't right for each other and that "we are travelling different paths" (his words). He still says he wants to be friends. He insists we can be friends even though I've told him countless times that it isn't going to happen. I can't just turn off the "love" feelings I have for him and be buddies. We owned a dog together as well and I took him when we split up. My ex wants visitation of the dog every week. Even though I told him he should just let the dog go like he did me. He claims the dog wants to see him. I laughed at that. It's a dog, not a child. The dog has plenty of people in his little doggy life. If he never saw my ex agan, he'd be ok. Nonetheless we made an arrangment that he could take the dog every week on Saturday. He could pick him up and drop him off while I was at work. I told him I didn't want to see him or have contact with him because it hurts way too much. My question is what are his true motives with the friend thing and insisting to see the dog? Is it to keep tabs on me? Is it because he still cares? Is it because he still loves me? Does he want to remain friends because he needs me as a back- up plan? He told me when we first broke up that he would always love me, but he had changed and we weren't right for each other. Now he won't even tell me he has any "love" feelings at all. I'm just confused. As of a few days ago, I told him no more contact and no more dog. Period. He said that when I was ready to be in contact with him and let him see the dog then to call or email him. He'll be waiting a long long time, I'm afraid! I just need some feedback, I guess. What does he really want? Thanks

[JackJack]

You made this same post in another section of the forum. You only need to post in one. I answered in the other section where you posted this same thing.

[106rob]

it is weerd you should post this now as i was having a conversation with a girl i hadnt seen in a while last night we bumped into each other

 

anyway she and her ex had been together about 5 or so years,since we left school! anyway they have had a rocky relationship the last year or so (facebook tells all) so i asked how it was going at the min,she said they were only together becuase of the dog they have together! and they love the dog more than each other! and she had tried to speak to him about it but he wouldnt have it! she said she is at the point of letting go of the dog herself and letting him take it,i agreed with her she obv isnt happy anyone can see that that knows her!

[ShannonMI]

Thank you for replying.

Well I have the dog and I'm not letting the dog go. He's helping me get through this awful situation. My ex doesn't want to let the dog go. He wants to still see him. I told my ex that I knew he loved the dog, but I couldn't deal with this visitation crap every week. He told me he didn't love the dog. Ok! I'm totally confused! Then why do you need to see him if you don't love him? This is what I asked my ex. I guess he just likes the dog as a friend. Hahahaha like me. How ridiculous. I don't understand where he's coming from anymore! I'm so over it all. I'm heartbroken and want to feel better. I miss my ex so much because we were so close and we knew each other so well. I love him with all my heart. I wish I could be friends with him but I'll always feel something deeper and it will only lead to complicated feelings. No contact is the only way to heal from this. And no damn dog!

[9Lives]

Thank you for replying.

Well I have the dog and I'm not letting the dog go. He's helping me get through this awful situation. My ex doesn't want to let the dog go. He wants to still see him. I told my ex that I knew he loved the dog, but I couldn't deal with this visitation crap every week. He told me he didn't love the dog. Ok! I'm totally confused! Then why do you need to see him if you don't love him? This is what I asked my ex. I guess he just likes the dog as a friend. Hahahaha like me. How ridiculous. I don't understand where he's coming from anymore! I'm so over it all. I'm heartbroken and want to feel better. I miss my ex so much because we were so close and we knew each other so well. I love him with all my heart. I wish I could be friends with him but I'll always feel something deeper and it will only lead to complicated feelings. No contact is the only way to heal from this. And no damn dog!

 

very smart move Shannon. I've tried to hold on and all that jazz and its nothing but a disaster to your emotions and well being ESPECIALLY if you still love him.

 

he walked out on you. the dog is the excuse to peep in on your life for HIS own reasons. the best thing to do is separate your life from his. he wants to go play, then go play. tell him unless he wants to get back together then let's move on. he will respect u for that and u will be better off in the long run

[nittanylion]

Dont be friend with him. Its not healthy for you. The feeling too raw now. Let it die down for at least 2 months. You need time to heal yourself, improve yourself, and keep yourself busy....

 

I hope everything works out for you.