Messed up Step Family Situation

[AVR1962]

Husband and I raised 4 step children, bio mom and bio dad from each of our marriages left the kids and both made no contact for the first 2 years. When the absent parents did reconnect they started placing blame on us, the custodial parents when it was each of them that had been involved in affairs and that was the reason for the divorces. The children were 3, 5, 7, 8 when my husband and I met, I had been divorced for 2 years and my husband had been divorced for 3 years. The kids got along and all was good until we told the kids we were getting married. Only one had a problem and that was the older boy and we continued to have lots of trouble with him. The absent parents both were using alienation tactics, telling the kids lies about what we had done and said and not just subtle lies, these were very damaging accusations. If my husband or I tried to correct this and confronted the situation it just made it worse. Bio mom kept telling the boys that she was going to fight us for custody and never did. By the time the kids were 15 their lives had started to be come more involved with friends, their work, that kind of thing and visits with the missing parents stopped, that was something the children chose, not us. There were no gifts the kids could count on, calls were few and far between and I know this hurt them all. We were the fmaily who sat at the dinner toable every night together and ate a home cooked meal and chatted about our day. Our home was the home that all our kids' friends came to.....we always had an extra chair at the dinner table and the kids just seemed to love that family time, even visitors. So besides the friction from exes we were doing well as a family. The boys called me mom, the girls called my husband dad and they saw each other as brother and sister. After the kids graduated highschool they all sought out their absent parents. We were not invited to the younger boy's wedding, were not even told that he was getting married. When my husband found out he asked his son about it, his response was that he wasn't sure his mom would allow us in her house and that was where the reception was going to be. My husband went, I did not. Last night we had yet another situation. I had been emailing one of the boys' wives (the kids are all now 25-29) about my grand daughter's first b.day. Daughter-in-law tells me that they are having the b.day party on Sat when my stepson's bio mom flies in. Apparently this was planned and we weren't told a thing til now. She had the honor of having them married in her hometown which they both had to fly quite the distance for, and now bio mom who created so much trouble fopr us is flying all this way to be with the next special occasion- grand daughter's first b.day. I am not sure how much my daughter-in-law knows and knowing my stepson , he probably has not told her much so I do feel she is innocent to this situation. My husband feels that if we do not show at this b.day party then his ex becomes the "winner" and I am not sure I know exactly what he means by that. I refuse to be in the same room as his ex. Husband wrote his son an email to let him know that we would not be attending the b.day party and that we could make plans to celebrate grand daughter's b.day after his mother left. That info or the email will more than likely never get shared with daughter-in-law. I, being sick of the family dynamics and having to keep my mouth shout way too much, wrote my daughter-in-law back and said: "HELL NO! long history, will not go there." I am so beyond done! Feedback please!

[JamieA]

You might actually get some feedback if you used paragraphs. A huge block of text is too hard on the eyes. I didn't read it for this reason.

[KikiW]

If this were me I would have had a sit-down with the kids a long time ago.

 

It's understandable that the kids want to be involved with their bio parents - it's hard to come to terms with the fact that your bio parent might be a jerk, and much easier to grasp at the little straws they give you. I have a feeling your children are doing this. They want approval from them and will sacrifice stability and love from you guys because you've always given it to them, so they have come to expect it no matter what.

 

If it were me (and only you know if this dynamic will lend itself to this), I would have a group meeting with the kids, and include any adult in-laws (son in law, daughter in law) so they also get the info firsthand.

 

I would express how much you support the relationship with their bio parents and hope that it continues, but I think it's time to express how hurt and disappointed you are. While not perfect people, you and your husband have worked very hard to provide a stable, loving home where the kids could grow up safe. You have (presumably) never spoken ill about other parents to the kids, but you know the opposite is not true. You have sat on the sidelines while being excluded from happy milestones in the kids' lives, and the other parents have reaped the benefits - and you said little to nothing about it. You have tried to let these things go, but at this point the pain is becoming unbearable and something must be said.

 

Tell them that you do not expect to be put on a pedestal, but considering the lives and opportunities you tried to provide for the kids, you do expect a certain level of respect or consideration. If they have decided that you are not worthy of being included in their lives, you will respect that, but you have no intention of running after them like puppydogs hoping to at least get a kick if not a pat on the head.

 

If any of them start arguing, "but you did this and you did that" or "mom said you did this, dad said you did that" - counter it with the truth. Saying "I will no longer bite my tongue since you are now adults - that is a complete lie and it took every fiber in my being not to defend myself back then... they consistently bent the truth to manipulate you. Think back on our relationship - did we ever do anything consistent with their claims? Did they offer proof of what they claimed?" If they are all adults now, it's time to start treating them like it, and they need to start acting like it.

 

There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself and telling them how you feel. Use logic and reason and hopefully they will come around.

[AVR1962]

KiKiW, thank you so much for understanding what has been going on here. I have so many times encouraged the group meeting just as you have suggested and husband steers clear of any possible confrontation, and I think my stepsons know my husband is their soft spot to land. I usually take everything into my own hands and I think that's part of the problem here, the boys don't want to listen to me and have been given the okay to disrespect me so if they put me on ignore it's no big loss to anyone.

 

Before I read your reply I did reply to the kids' emails and I told it was time to stop protecting them from the truth and told them if they were interested in knowing where I ws coming from and what I had been thru to please read on and I gave some very brief details. I have not heard anything back.

 

For those of you who have been struggling imbalance over the stepchildren you might find this quote from the book I am reading very informative. I tried to get husband more involved with the kids, including his own, asking him what he felt should be done, we'd agree and then no action was taken on his part. Basiclly time and time again it was me taking care of issues and then when I did the boys would go to the dad all upset and he would come up with something to say to them. Then he'd tell me how I over reacted and with time lots of resentment built up in all directions. Husband wanted to just let his boys run and do anything they wanted. First quote is about the intellectualizer and many of you will be able to identify with this as well, and the second quote is about imbalance:

 

Emotional Unavailability by Bryn C Collin. ".....When you are in the middle of an emtional moment, you are lost in the emotion itself and don't have the ability to step back from it to break it down into crunchable little bits that can be analyzed and catergorized......People who intellectualize, on the other hand, keep everything and everyone at a distance all the time. They manage the emotional impact of feeling by discussing it from a safe, distant perch on which they sit.....A intellectualizer sees himself as a rational, controlled, thoughtful peson who doesn't do things impulsively and doesn't make decisions based only on feelings." (The book gives an example about a man named Peter and his wife named Sylvia.) "Sylvia has been unable over their years together to encourage Peter to break out of his pattern of distance because he doesn't see that his style is emotionally damaging to her." (this is so my husband)

 

The next chapter talked about power balances. "Signs of power imbalances include the feeling that you don't have a voice in a relationship or that you are always the one who is not important. If you find yourself doing things you don't like, eating food you don't like in restaurants you don't care for, being with friends you don't find interesting, or going places you don't want to go at times that are inconvenient, you may want to look at the power base in your relationship. You may also want to ask yourself how much of the power you've simply offered up because it's the path of least resistance." (BINGO, our sitaution exactly! I have said it all repeatedly and this is how it has been being a stepmom and second wife.) "Being in the disempowered position can have all sorts of negative consequences. First, your self-esteem takes a battering over time as you struggle to retain your personal worth in the face of evidence that you aren't worthy. Second, you begin to extend this powerlessness into other relationships, almost as though you are justifying the surrender to power in the primary relationship. You begin handing off power to your boss, your job peers, the guy down the block. It's as if you're trying to make everything OK by spreading your power around. All that does is lower your self-esteem." This is what I have to stop!

[KikiW]

Then the next thing I would do if I were you is demand that your husband PAY ATTENTION. Ask him if he thinks it's ok that you are treated disrespectfully. Does he? If he doesn't, then ask him why he would think it's ok to sit on the sidelines and allow you to be disrespected when he has the power to make it stop. Ask him how he would feel if your children were allowed to treat him the way his have treated you - make him see it from your shoes. How would he feel if you sat on the sidelines, shrugged your shoulders and said, "meh, I am too afraid of confrontation to stick up for you. In other words, you aren't worth sticking up for..." and see how he reacts. If confronted with the idea that you feel he doesn't care enough about you to stop disrespectful children, perhaps he will see things differently.

 

If he still does nothing, then you will need to make a decision on how to move forward. As hurtful as it would be, you may want to consider stepping back from the relationship with the children until they are mature enough to behave like adults and not spoiled, insensitive brats. Send gifts and cards to the grandchildren with wild abandon if you like, but ease back on the kids. Either they will come around, or they will continue to be ridiculous and will have lost out on a good relationship with you.

[desertIslandCactus]

I have a dear friend who helped raise her grandchildren, along with her son. Of the three children, now in their 40's, the daughter remains glued to her mother several states away, even though the mother didn't raise them. But now the mother has the finances to show the kids a good time..

 

Many times this leaves my friends (grandmother and son) alone for the holidays, or without their family. I believe this is a lack-of-priorities thing with the kids, nothing more.

 

I'm sorry for your communication denying the invitation. I would like to see you go to the event and embrace your granddaughter. And with the knowledge that it doesn't happen very often.

 

Don't let the enemy deny you what is yours.

[AVR1962]

KikiW.....oh, I have done exactly as you have indicated, we've spent plenty of time fighting over all of this. I have had counseling, basically the counselor said it was like I was given the role, told to handle the situations and then when I did and was criticized for the way I handled the situation because I hurt husband's precious sons, the counselor said it was like putting me in handcuffs and throwing me in the water.....I was barely keeping my head above water. I eventually ended up on anti-depressants and at one very low point in my life I no longer wanted to live.

 

It's taken years, I have never backed down and I think things are finally making sense. My husband is finally seeing his sons for who they are. Unfortunately he and I have 21 years together and this point and none of what he does now is going to make a difference as the ground has been layed.

 

Yesterday when I got email from SS, placed it in folder unread, husband read it. Said son was being a "****" (his words). I told him I had to let him go and step back and he said he understood.

[AVR1962]

Read the email and probably a good thing as I was giving him the benefit of the doubt, it was ugly, very very ugly.

 

Here is a quote from SS's email that was sent to his father and I:

 

".....it is not necessary for me to show any respect to anyone. I know who I was around when I was growing up and it is not up to you to say who I respect and who I dont so you can stop right there. Just because someone raised me doesn't mean I have to respect them, that goes for you. Respect is earned, not given(and it has not been earned yet)....and the sooner both of you realize this the better."