Author alex1960 Posted August 14, 2010 Author Posted August 14, 2010 Are you sure the meal cannot be expensed? Does she have a work credit card, or does she turn in expense reports? Are you sure that this relationship isn't business related, in that an expensive meal was part of the overall plan to establish rapport? Long story but I caught some of my wife's email communications where she makes jokes about expensing her trip. If the meeting was legit, she wouldn't have made jokes about it. A woman who can afford a $300 dinner is not an idiot. She is not naive. She knows what this relationship is all about, whatever level it is on. She is not a fool who thinks a relationship is a friendship and the guy thinks it is going to be something else. Wake up guys, this woman is smart and knows exactly what she was doing, and if I was her husband, I'd ask about it, and then let it go. She's a successful business woman, not a third grader. Of course, I think my wife is smart since I married her but that's exactly what my problem is right now. If she's not naive, how could she think that taking a flight to meet with her friend can seem reasonable? I mean, how can a friend be THAT important?
mr.dream merchant Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Best thing you can do is question it. Not a good look for you to automatically assume she's cheating on you. But like any normal man, it's alright that red flags are up. Talk to her about it, see what's up. If it sounds like she's lying to you, go with your gut feeling. Biggest mistake I've made with some women was not going with my gut feeling.
mr.dream merchant Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Because that's how cheaters are. They are willing to go the distance for their "high" and will do anything to get it, just like a crackhead who wants the drugs from the street. Friends of the opposite sex almost never stay strictly platonic. Obviously, she's using her business trip as a cover for her affair, and i'm sure you see that. Your suspicions are correct. I'd start snooping if I were you because that's how I caught my wife. Just a suggestion. I'm not trying to put my bitterness on you (even though I am about my own ex-w), but I just don't want to see you so surprised when you find the truth because i've been in your situation. Start snooping. Good advice. It's actually tough to see a fellow male heartbroken. It takes alot for a guy to give his affection to, and commit to a woman. You know he means it when it happens. But some women, man, they just fall in and out of..I don't even know what to call it. It's like they eat men for breakfast, they're ****ing traps.
Author alex1960 Posted August 14, 2010 Author Posted August 14, 2010 Because that's how cheaters are. They are willing to go the distance for their "high" and will do anything to get it, just like a crackhead who wants the drugs from the street. Friends of the opposite sex almost never stay strictly platonic. Obviously, she's using her business trip as a cover for her affair, and i'm sure you see that. Your suspicions are correct. I'd start snooping if I were you because that's how I caught my ex wife. Just a suggestion. I just don't want to see you so surprised when you find the truth because i've been in your situation. Start snooping. Sorry to hear about your story. In my situation, I know for a fact that they did not have sex. So I don't have evidence of anything wrong happening other than her making such an effort to spend the evening with a distant friend when she has plenty to keep her busy here.
keane2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 I travel quite a bit (although now only in China) and also mentor young managers at my company. Most of us follow our "business personna" when travelling, but outside our normal atmosphere (especially with a drink or two), its easy to begin to see other people differently. Make a long story short, after sharing dinner at nice restaraunts, I have had multiple business friends ask if I'd like them to join me for a drink in my room, and I never said or did anything intentional to invite it. And I'll be honest that it is hard to say no. I'm certainly not a prude, but I think this example is pushing it.
Author alex1960 Posted August 15, 2010 Author Posted August 15, 2010 Thanks man. Relationships are hard. How do you know they did not have sex? Were you following her? It could still most likely be an emotional affair, and that hurts just as much as a PA. Just make sure you're evidence is concrete and continue to be on the lookout, because something isn't right here. Just keep snooping man. Stay strong. I sent a good friend of mine and he enjoyed a nice meal with some newspapers and magazines. I thought it would reassure me to know that nothing happened but I keep questioning this whole situation.
carhill Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Did the friend go to the concert as well? I'm asking you these questions because I've done this. I could tell you the story of taking stbx to a concert across the country and her return flight being canceled and me having to tell my 'friend', who was expecting me there, that stbx would be another night. Stuff like that. All 'planned'. No sex, but lots of unhealthy. If you knew this guy and he had visited your home or you his, I'd be a little less suspicious, but only a little.
2sunny Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 you could test her undies... they make those tests to check for semen.
2sunny Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Long story but I caught some of my wife's email communications where she makes jokes about expensing her trip. If the meeting was legit, she wouldn't have made jokes about it. Of course, I think my wife is smart since I married her but that's exactly what my problem is right now. If she's not naive, how could she think that taking a flight to meet with her friend can seem reasonable? I mean, how can a friend be THAT important? it is THAT important when a gal has a personal agenda in mind. seems she made a ton of effort to make sure to see this guy.
seibert253 Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 After reading you previous post, yes I would be worried. Did you say anything to your wife about her text when you first found it? If I were you we'd have a little chat about the text and this dinner. Then some boundries would be set for her contact with her "friend".
2sunny Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 you hired a PI to follow her. is it possible she knew she was being followed/watched? i bet she knew... thus no sleepover (that your friend could see happening). doesn't mean she didn't sneak out in the middle of the night... or arrange an adjoining room. is it possible she read your prior thread here? does she have access to your computer?
Author alex1960 Posted August 15, 2010 Author Posted August 15, 2010 you hired a PI to follow her. is it possible she knew she was being followed/watched? i bet she knew... thus no sleepover (that your friend could see happening). doesn't mean she didn't sneak out in the middle of the night... or arrange an adjoining room. is it possible she read your prior thread here? does she have access to your computer? I guess that's always a possibility but I also trust the friend I sent to follow her. He's a pretty smart guy. My computer is not password protected but I always clear my history after each session.
TaraMaiden Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 When Trust flies out of the window, you might as well hurl the ring after it.
BubbleFreak Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 When Trust flies out of the window, you might as well hurl the ring after it. That's sort of like what I said. You've got to trust because you can't watch your loved one every minute of the day. OP has the right to feel uncomfortable about what his wife did and that's why he has to tell her. But I do not agree with the snooping around and sending a friend to spy on her.
Simon Attwood Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 When Trust flies out of the window, you might as well hurl the ring after it. Trust can often be regained.
TaraMaiden Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 No it can't. Not like it was, not in its original state. You have to repair it, rebuild it, glue it back together again, and mend it. But it's never the same as it was. It's always flawed. there's always something in it that draws your attention to the break.... Trust regained is Trust Imperfect. The only person anybody should ever fully have Trust in, time and time again - is themselves. And even then, in vulnerable moments, people even find it hard to do just that. Doubt in others fuels doubt in ourselves. Or judgement and ability to evaluate, to see....
Simon Attwood Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 No it can't. Not like it was, not in its original state. You have to repair it, rebuild it, glue it back together again, and mend it. But it's never the same as it was. It's always flawed. there's always something in it that draws your attention to the break.... Trust regained is Trust Imperfect. The only person anybody should ever fully have Trust in, time and time again - is themselves. And even then, in vulnerable moments, people even find it hard to do just that. Doubt in others fuels doubt in ourselves. Or judgement and ability to evaluate, to see.... It can. And when it can't, it is not the Trust that is flawed but ourselves.
TaraMaiden Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 OK. It's not the trust, it's 'you'. I'm prepared to concede that. But either way, it's phukked.
Simon Attwood Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 OK. It's not the trust, it's 'you'. I'm prepared to concede that. But either way, WE are phukked. Corrected and we can be unphukked
zengirl Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 No it can't. Not like it was, not in its original state. You have to repair it, rebuild it, glue it back together again, and mend it. But it's never the same as it was. It's always flawed. there's always something in it that draws your attention to the break.... Trust regained is Trust Imperfect. The only person anybody should ever fully have Trust in, time and time again - is themselves. And even then, in vulnerable moments, people even find it hard to do just that. Doubt in others fuels doubt in ourselves. Or judgement and ability to evaluate, to see.... I'd phrase this backwards. I'd say doubt in ourselves, and our judgments, fuel a lot of our doubts in others. I'm not a big fan of re-gaining trust, in all situations, either. But it really depends. Miscommunication is going to happen.
TaraMaiden Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 I'm glad you mentioned Communication. I'm always banging on about a relationship requiring a "Tripod" of particular elements: Trust Communication (mutual) Respect. if one of these is missing, the other two are insufficient to hold the whole relationship up. Of course on their own, without the people to engineer them or put them into practice, the three are just words. Like a gun, it's a pointless piece of equipment, until people pick it up and pull the trigger. of course you need the Human input or element to make them function. But regardless of this hair-splitting quibble, Simon, (which is what you were getting at, because it's obvious that Trust in itself is an inanimate quality without the people to make it function...it goes for any emotion, doesn't it...? ) Trust is the worst one to try to repair and reactivate. While the other two can be brought back into play, Trust is the deal-breaker. In any way, any direction, for either person, whichever way it cuts. if the Trust is crap, the relationship is batting on a sticky wicket.
Simon Attwood Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 it's obvious that Trust in itself is an inanimate quality without the people to make it function...it goes for any emotion, doesn't it...? I would have said that; without people to make it function, then rather than being inanimate, there is no such thing as trust. Trust cannot exist without people. It is not an "inanimate quality" without people, it's rather; a nonexistant quality Trust is the worst one to try to repair and reactivate. We are only repairing ourselves. A lot of it depends upon circumstances and environment; how we lost our trust, how another person's behaviour made us lose our trust, and what prompted or provoked the other person's behaviour. Like everything; we can choose to look on the face of it, or we can delve deeper and this often requires delving deeper in to ourselves, and not many people like going there for fear of what they might find.
Author alex1960 Posted August 15, 2010 Author Posted August 15, 2010 Interesting conversation. The only thing I fully trust is that we are all humans and humans aren't perfect. Life can sometimes be an unfair battle and there's nothing you can do to avoid it.
Author alex1960 Posted August 15, 2010 Author Posted August 15, 2010 Lots going through my mind but nothing much I can do right now. I am so tempted to confront her but I already know what would come out of it so I won't.
2sunny Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Lots going through my mind but nothing much I can do right now. I am so tempted to confront her but I already know what would come out of it so I won't. so your gut is prompting you - and you are ignoring it? i would want the truth... and your gut won't rest easy (neither will your mind) until you have that truth that it's prompting you about... there is something you are supposed to understand - and you are ignoring it? denial is a very dangerous place to be... Interesting conversation. The only thing I fully trust is that we are all humans and humans aren't perfect. Life can sometimes be an unfair battle and there's nothing you can do to avoid it. what was the contents of this "interesting conversation" you had with her?
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