NoIDidn't Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 But seriously, HOW, i ask you, HOW can you want to cheat on your wife or husband, or date someone who is married? How does it make you feel attractive or a good person? Why would you date someone that would break a vow such as the ones they made during marriage...Is it not common sense that they would do that to you as well? Obviously a promise does not mean anything to them, but their physical desires mean much more! HOW can you justify sleeping with someone other than your husband? None of this is right. Why did you get married if you are going to do such a horrendeous thing? And why is divorce not an option for so many people? My parents have had an arranged marriage and although things aren't perfect, they would NEVER in a TRILLION YEARS cheat on each other. They don't spend any nights without each other. They are incredibly close and although they are not compatible in a lot of ways, they BELIEVE that compromise is a part of marriage! People who cheat or help people cheat, how can some pleasure be worth so much pain that youre causing to others? And doesnt it just FEEL trashy? Please help me understand! This forum makes me NEVER want to get married! I have never cheated on my H, but I have wanted to cheat on him - at different times and for different reasons each time. I'm grateful that I have been too chicken to take advantage of the opportunities to cheat that I have been offered, because I know my heart tends to lead my head when emotions get out of control. I would likely be one of those cheaters that gets called heartless when its really that I am being thoughtless. And that's just it. For the people in the A (affair), its hard for them to see the forrest for the trees. Most end up regretting the things they did for the feeling they felt was "love". I try not to judge the people in affairs too harshly. For some, its a mistake, a lack of judgment. For others, its an attack on something they don't believe in - something they don't feel is worthy of their respect. For all, its a learning experience - even though it may not always be clear what was learned. Either way, if you read enough posts in this forum, you will find that most that participate in affairs do so for "love" - or what they felt was it during the affair anyway. Its really true what my religious belief teaches about "love" - that it covers a multitude of sins (even when we are the ones sinning). I wouldn't let what I read in a forum make me never want to get married - that is a life changing decision that should be a little more thought out than a knee-jerk reaction to what a very small percentage of people are posting.
Author temporaryvisa Posted August 14, 2010 Author Posted August 14, 2010 DUUUUUUDEEE ! Am I not allowed to ask questions? :S If you don't like my questions, I'm sorry, not forcing you to answer. The fact that I keep having to justify asking these questions is so lame..Gosh.
NoIDidn't Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 DUUUUUUDEEE ! Am I not allowed to ask questions? :S If you don't like my questions, I'm sorry, not forcing you to answer. The fact that I keep having to justify asking these questions is so lame..Gosh. Just report those that insist on taking your thread off-topic. The MOD has already instructed us not to take your original opening post personally. Why some are still doing so is baffling. I hope you get some answers. I believe you were sincere when you asked. But be aware, those in this forum are often defensive because some do come in here and flame them - but most do not. I'm sure someone will come along and actually answer. That, or you can continue reading to find your answers. Good luck.
woinlove Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 OP, you say your mother is happy when her husband and children are happy. That is a person who focusses on others. When I was an OW, I was primarily focussed on myself. I had yet to learn the happiness that can come from focussing on others rather than on oneself. Some people learn this at a young age, but I didn't. From my own experience, I suspect people who derive their happiness and meaning in life from focussing on others are less likely to have affairs. Affairs are a selfish activity. The passionate in love feelings are all about how the individual feels. The commitment and love that makes a marriage like your parents' successful is more about how it makes the entire family feel, and even how that family interacts with others. There can be lots of passion in more selfless love and actions, but it is a different kind of passion than the type that is focussed primarily on yourself.
Fallen Angel Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Okay, okay.. I will bite and attempt to answer the questions as honestly as possible. But seriously, HOW, i ask you, HOW can you want to cheat on your wife or husband, Because you are unhappy and yet you feel obligated to maintain the marriage relationship. At least this was why I started an Emotional affair while I was still married. But I was on my way out of my marriage before the emotional affair began. or date someone who is married? I don't think most of us WANT to date a married person. We would for the most part much rather that they were not married to other people, but the fact is that they were married when we started our relationships, and have not yet ended their marriages. The reasons behind them not ending the marriages are varied. How does it make you feel attractive Attractive? Really? Well, I suppose that there have been a couple of OW here that have said that they felt their affairs proved that they were better than the wives, and so for some I think this is true. But I think you will find that it is not true for most people in affairs that they go into an affair in order to feel more attractive than someone else. or a good person? I do not think that I am a bad person. I think that I am a good person. I do not think that the affair defines me as good or bad. I think that much more than the relationship I am in defines my goodness or lack thereof. Yes, i am good person despite my affair, not because of it. Why would you date someone that would break a vow such as the ones they made during marriage...Because I love him and he has broken no such vow to me. Is it not common sense that they would do that to you as well? No. Obviously a promise does not mean anything to them, but their physical desires mean much more! That is not neccesarily so. I am sure for most people the promise that they made meant much to them, when they made it. But they have changed, and so have their priorities and promises that they made many years ago have much less of a hold on them as their current emotional situation does. HOW can you justify sleeping with someone other than your husband? I am no longer married so this does not apply to me. None of this is right. That is your personal opinion. But to me the love I accept and the love I give is not wrong. Why did you get married if you are going to do such a horrendeous thing? I did not get married with a plan to be abused by my husband. I did not get married with a plan to be cheated on by my husband, and i did not get married with a plan of getting involved in an emotional affair with another man while still legally married to my husband. And why is divorce not an option for so many people? Because things like children, finances, extended families, sickness, and obligation make walking away from a marriage much easier said than done. Unless you are like me and are willing to walk away with only the clothes on your back as long as you get to maintain your sanity. *shrug* Most people find just giving up everything they have worked a lifetime to achieve more difficult than throwing away an old shoe. My parents have had an arranged marriage and although things aren't perfect, they would NEVER in a TRILLION YEARS cheat on each other. You do not KNOW this. You can not KNOW this. You assume this based on what you see, but there are many BS here who will tell you that they were blindsided by their spouses affairs. They did not see the signs. So to say that you know this without a doubt is faulty logic. They don't spend any nights without each other. Many affairs happen without the wandering spouse ever being away from home overnight. They are incredibly close and although they are not compatible in a lot of ways, they BELIEVE that compromise is a part of marriage! Good for them. Then they are likely to work out problems that arise before they reach the point of having an affair. Sadly many people do not compromise. People who cheat or help people cheat, how can some pleasure be worth so much pain that youre causing to others? Because it isn't about the physical pleasure you seem to be referencing, it is about love. And doesnt it just FEEL trashy? No. I accepted the love of a man who offered me his love freely and without reservation. Why would that make me feel trashy? Please help me understand! This forum makes me NEVER want to get married! Answers bolded, italicized and underlined.
Author temporaryvisa Posted August 14, 2010 Author Posted August 14, 2010 Okay, okay.. I will bite and attempt to answer the questions as honestly as possible. Answers bolded, italicized and underlined. Whoohoo! Thanks. although I did feel like I was getting scolded throughout reading that I do understand the situation very much. But let me tell you. If you KNOW you won't kill someone, it is possible to KNOW you won't cheat on another person too. Of course it is a lot different, I agree, but it IS possible to know yourself to that degree. Thank you
pureinheart Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 OP, is this for a paper? A science project? A suggestion would be to hit the archives, and check the backgrounds since you have read the board a bit. DUUUUUUDEEE ! Am I not allowed to ask questions? :S If you don't like my questions, I'm sorry, not forcing you to answer. The fact that I keep having to justify asking these questions is so lame..Gosh. If this was for me, then I was simply asking you a question, very seriously actually...there have been others in this forum doing papers/research. My suggestion was serious concerning research.
TOWinNYC Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Oh yes, that is very much true! I don't really want an arranged marriage, the guy I'm dating (its very casual right now..only 2 dates so far) is white, and I DON'T want a passion-less marriage... I have to admit the major flaw in my rents lives IS the passion. For example, even on their 25th anniversary vacation, they took us kids with them! Like, theyre romantic and sweet, but not hot for each other anymore (i dont think..lol. not that i really want to know) Romance is important and so is passion but that ain't everything in a marriage, right? But that DOES make sense, I would think the passion is the biggest reason for any affair... Very true. TempV (lol, notice how your name keeps getting shorter and shorter?) Yes, romance and passion aren't EVERYTHING in a M. But I do think most people want to *not* be missing those things. BUT--People get married for passionate reasons, usually, and of course the passion ebbs and flows, right? Why not recognize this and come to a balance, try to evoke some passion in each other? Even attempting it would bring amazing results Im sure! And if passion is temporary, passion for your "OW" or "OM" will also be temporary and so not worth it, right? Mmmm....I don't know if most people get M because of "passionate reasons". Truth be told, a lot of people (at least the ones I know) DIDN'T get married solely because they were "crazy about each other". They got married because they've been dating for a while and it was the next logical step, or they got pregnant, or because most of the check boxes were filled in terms of finding a good "life partner" or because they wanted to start a family or because they got tired of dating or because they didn't want to be single anymore. Or a combination of all the reasons above. It doesn't mean their M isn't good or they don't love each other. It just means that they didn't get married based on what I call "the magic". As for passion ebbing and flowing, yes, it can come and go. But you can't automatically say this is the case across the board (and the reason why an A isn't "worth it"). And this is exactly the problem. Sometimes (like in my case) you come across someone you met while you were young. Magic happens but you break up (not because you wanted to or because you hated each other but) because life got in the way. But the two never forget each other. And by the time they reconnect, one (or both) are married. But because the magic didn't go away and it's wasn't temporary, an A happens. I'm not saying this is the case in every A - I'm just saying these things can happen.
Fallen Angel Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 (edited) Whoohoo! Thanks. although I did feel like I was getting scolded throughout reading that I do understand the situation very much. But let me tell you. If you KNOW you won't kill someone, it is possible to KNOW you won't cheat on another person too. Of course it is a lot different, I agree, but it IS possible to know yourself to that degree. Thank you I didn't speak to whether you knew yourself or not. I spoke to if you can know without doubt that your mother or father have not or would not cheat. There is no way for you to know that. You can assume that, but only they can know it for certain. P.S. I suppose there was a touch of "scolding" in my post. but only in that I think you should have simply asked your questions without making assumptions to the answers. *wink* Edited August 14, 2010 by Fallen Angel
blueberries Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 hey temporaryvisa, i understand your questions as i have pondered your questions too. i think that those who become involved or allow themselves to be involved in affairs mostly think about their own needs, their passion and what feels good at the moment, in other words, selfish. i think that everyone makes mistakes, i know i've made mistakes, but at the end of the day, our actions have consequences and we can't make up excuses for those actions. you are still young and have many years to go. when i was your age i didn't believe in a lot of things and was astounded by others. but i really do hope that you continue to live your beliefs and stay true to yourself and the person you love. because i've seen so much cheating, so much lying, so much selfish acts in the name of "love". i also believe that being faithful is a choice, that all of us have the capacity of making. anyway, good luck with your love life. i hope everything works out for you
Ellin Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 TemporaryV, OBVIOUSLY as much as you profess "wanting to be like your mom" - you really don't. Because if you did, you would have remained a virgin and waited for your parents to arrange your marriage for you, no? I've heard the theory that arranged marriages "work" better because the expectations are laid out (W will do this, H will do that) from the beginning. And the love is developed as the M progresses and so on. And from what I've seen, it seems to be true - they do "work" better. I mean that in terms of the relationship "pulse" being more of a jiggle instead of peaks and valleys. Just curious but do you think your parents are "passionate" with each other? And here's something to think about - how would either one of them know what passion is if they've never experienced it? Because love and passion are not the same thing. I'm not saying that there "can't be passion in an arranged M" but IMO, passion is hard to find in general. And at the core of most (I won't say ALL because it's not true) affairs, lies passion. Otherwise, why would anyone do it? I'm not talking about one-night-stands, I'm talking about something more involved, emotional, physical, mental, etc. It's the "being in love" (not falling but BEING) and the "passion" that makes it so hard for people to walk away from an A. Great post.
Ellin Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 But seriously, HOW, i ask you, HOW can you want to cheat on your wife or husband, or date someone who is married? How does it make you feel attractive or a good person? Why would you date someone that would break a vow such as the ones they made during marriage...Is it not common sense that they would do that to you as well? Obviously a promise does not mean anything to them, but their physical desires mean much more! HOW can you justify sleeping with someone other than your husband? None of this is right. Why did you get married if you are going to do such a horrendeous thing? And why is divorce not an option for so many people? My parents have had an arranged marriage and although things aren't perfect, they would NEVER in a TRILLION YEARS cheat on each other. They don't spend any nights without each other. They are incredibly close and although they are not compatible in a lot of ways, they BELIEVE that compromise is a part of marriage! People who cheat or help people cheat, how can some pleasure be worth so much pain that youre causing to others? And doesnt it just FEEL trashy? Please help me understand! This forum makes me NEVER want to get married! First of all, I think it is mostly your age. I was also young and full of ideas once. I have since learnt a whole lot about life. I can only say it's far from black and white and no one is perfect. People are driven by strong emotions and needs which come from the subconscious, depending on their past experiences and cannot be controlled (actions can but only to a degree). It's about falling in love with the wrong person. Feelings involved in that are one of the strongest of all. Secondly, based on the description of your parents marriage I gather that your family originates from culture that is based on different principles that the Western culture. It emphasises certain social order a lot more than individuality and has very strong and traditional family values, including extended family, and a lot of respect and obedience towards both the social order and those who are older is required. Not so much significance is placed on passion, romance and being true to oneself emotionally. The marriage is supposed to be preserved almost at all cost. Some people claim such culture is shame-based as opposed to guilt-based. I'm not saying one or the other is wrong but they are different. In respect to your personal situation, you can never be sure how your own life will unfold and as much as there can be good will, love and fidelity vows in the beginning of a relationship, there is no guarantee that it will remain that way until the end. We cannotbe 100% sure how our spouse will behave in future and I also believe we cannot even be 100% sure how we will behave, if we encounter circumstances we've never been in before.
Ellin Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 BUT--People get married for passionate reasons, usually, As TOWinNYC already stated people get married for a variety of different resons, often not much to do with romantic love and then they might meet someone who they are much more compatible with. Also, humans are not rock solid and constant, we are living, evolving things - we change and we heal from traumas, in effect becoming different people and if the change in one person does not correspond with the change in their spouse, the relationship might not be viable any more. Then there is confilct between the responsibilities and the feelings. I would also like to point out that arranged marriages by definition are not based on passion.
Ellin Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 I wanted to say in my previous post that I was once young and full of IDEALS (can't edit any more, sorry).
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