Not to be rude, and maybe it's just because I'm young

[temporaryvisa]

But seriously, HOW, i ask you, HOW can you want to cheat on your wife or husband, or date someone who is married?

How does it make you feel attractive or a good person?

Why would you date someone that would break a vow such as the ones they made during marriage...Is it not common sense that they would do that to you as well? Obviously a promise does not mean anything to them, but their physical desires mean much more!

HOW can you justify sleeping with someone other than your husband? None of this is right. Why did you get married if you are going to do such a horrendeous thing? And why is divorce not an option for so many people?

My parents have had an arranged marriage and although things aren't perfect, they would NEVER in a TRILLION YEARS cheat on each other. They don't spend any nights without each other. They are incredibly close and although they are not compatible in a lot of ways, they BELIEVE that compromise is a part of marriage! People who cheat or help people cheat, how can some pleasure be worth so much pain that youre causing to others? And doesnt it just FEEL trashy?

 

Please help me understand! This forum makes me NEVER want to get married!

[temporaryvisa]

My mom has to live with her in laws. She has to do everything for them that my dad won't bother to do. She has to be very careful with wht she does, and let me tell you, she does MOST of the housework too ! WE have a BIG HOUSE!

My dad is a lazy man. Although he is incredibly kind, selfless, the best dad ever, he is fat and doesnt do much around the house. But my mom loves him so much. My parents are both so in love, it's crazy. But it isnt easy for my mom! Along with having to do housework and take care of my aging, cranky, mean grandparents, she has to deal with me, a bratty teenager! And she goes to work, full time. Both my rents are accountants.

 

She is still a very happy woman. She get stressed but she would never leave us or hurt us. She is energetic and extremely flexible. I want to be just like her. Is someone like her really rare? My mom is beautiful, EASILY she could get a hotter man who is richer and more romantic, with her beautiful smile. But nope, never would she do it. I will try to be just like her.

[BB07]

Please help me understand! This forum makes me NEVER want to get married!

 

Then perhaps you should NEVER get married.

 

If you have read around the forum, you already have most of your answers. It's not representative of the majority of people in real life.......remember this is a place for people who have issues/problems, not for those that are happy.

[temporaryvisa]

That is true, but if you look at the divorce rate ... well its all just scary.

And no, the forum doesnt give me straight forward answers. Most people here totally justify it for themselves, and I don't understand how people can be so weak. Of course, I'm just a kid and I'M SURE I'll make mistakes too. But I like to hear answers to my questions straightforwardly.

[Fallen Angel]

Your original post is nothing but OW/OM bashing. Perhaps if you want answers from people (OM/OW/MM/MW) you could ask without calling them trashy, or being rude and judgemental, then you could get the answers you say you are seeking. *Just a thought.

[BB07]

That is true, but if you look at the divorce rate ... well its all just scary.

And no, the forum doesnt give me straight forward answers. Most people here totally justify it for themselves, and I don't understand how people can be so weak. Of course, I'm just a kid and I'M SURE I'll make mistakes too. But I like to hear answers to my questions straightforwardly.

 

There are many answers already here. Sometimes it's a bad choice, sometimes it's the hell with the consequences and they plow on, and then sometimes people are tricked into affairs. The reasons are varied.

 

It's not always a question of weakness nor is everything in life black and white. Most people feel that affairs are moraly wrong, (backed up by surveys) but still people have them. Most probably regret them, IMO, but that is something you deal with after the fact.

[NoIDidn't]

You ARE being rude, however.

 

You are young, inexperienced with no perspective, except a very, VERY narrow one which you presented as your parents'.

 

Please don't post here unless you have a more involved opinion.

 

I don't think the OP was rude, but this post sure is.

 

Just why are you telling a new poster, that's obviously here to ask questions and has admitted to being young and possibly not knowing all the answers, that she shouldn't post here unless she has "a more involved opinion"? That was rude.

[Fallen Angel]

I feel that the OP was rude, but telling her not to post is a bit harsh. Her posting is more than welcomed by me, I would just suggest that if she wants to get answers from someone who is THERE, in the place she wants the answers from (an OW/OM/MM/MW) then perhaps being a bit more open-minded and less judgemental might get her the responses she is seeking.

 

After all you catch far more flies with honey than with vinegar.

[Fallen Angel]

That's fine. I won't be posting here anymore. I'm sorry.

 

Why won't you be posting anymore? :confused:

 

Because I said that telling her not to post was too harsh?

 

I think we must ALL learn to be more kind, and then the board will run much more smoothly for us all.

 

The Original post was rude. Your response to her was rude. Two wrongs will never make a right, but we are human and make emotional snap decisions, but the wonderful thing is that two minutes later we are capable of aplogizing to each other and starting over fresh.

 

So if you were offended by my post, please accept my apology.

[TOWinNYC]

Uh, not to be rude but how do you KNOW? How do you know that someday when you're a grown up, you won't find yourself in the exact situation that you're disparaging? The fact is, you don't. You just THINK you know, right now, at this point in time.

 

I have to admit, your age is probably the biggest factor in "not understanding". Being a teenager, it sounds like you haven't fallen in love, you haven't had sex, you haven't gone on vacation with your boyfriend or lived with them. Your perception will change when these things happen.

 

As you grow up you will realize that life is filled with ups and downs, incredible happiness and incredible despair. And sometimes you find yourself in a situation that you never expected to, never planned for it, never dreamed about.

 

As for cheating - I think everyone knows it's "wrong". But someday you will find that connection with another person and I hope that he feels the same way about you and he is SINGLE as well. But what if he's not?

 

I can't speak for your mom, since I don't know her or her story. And if that's her definition of "happiness" I think that's great. But for me? Living with the in-laws and being a maid to my lazy husband WOULD NOT make me happy.

 

P.S. You must not know much about sex if you think you have to "spend the night away from each other" in order to have it.

[bentnotbroken]

Uh, not to be rude but how do you KNOW? How do you know that someday when you're a grown up, you won't find yourself in the exact situation that you're disparaging? The fact is, you don't. You just THINK you know, right now, at this point in time.

 

I have to admit, your age is probably the biggest factor in "not understanding". Being a teenager, it sounds like you haven't fallen in love, you haven't had sex, you haven't gone on vacation with your boyfriend or lived with them. Your perception will change when these things happen.

 

As you grow up you will realize that life is filled with ups and downs, incredible happiness and incredible despair. And sometimes you find yourself in a situation that you never expected to, never planned for it, never dreamed about.

 

As for cheating - I think everyone knows it's "wrong". But someday you will find that connection with another person and I hope that he feels the same way about you and he is SINGLE as well. But what if he's not?

 

I can't speak for your mom, since I don't know her or her story. And if that's her definition of "happiness" I think that's great. But for me? Living with the in-laws and being a maid to my lazy husband WOULD NOT make me happy.

 

P.S. You must not know much about sex if you think you have to "spend the night away from each other" in order to have it.

 

 

The fact that you didn't know...doesn't apply to all of us. Some of us do know.

 

OP, yes you do seem to be young. But the way we plan our lives usually leaves out the fact that we interact with others. They don't have to adhere, respect or acknowledge the way you chose to live your life. Humans don't always usually care about all of humanity...just parts of it. Unfortunate but true. There are people who make the decision to be a part of extra-marital dynamics consistently. There are those who have been in the situation and are no longer there and have no desire to ever be again. There are people who marry their AP and won't be AP ever again. You have to be able to decide for yourself, when you are ready of course, if marriage is something you want to be a part of and willing to put the work into...for life. And if you find that person who is attached....run, don't walk the other way.

[temporaryvisa]

Aw, well thanks very much for taking my questions seriously atleast to a certain extent.

It just boggles my mind how this is part of peoples' lives when it isn't part of anyone's parents whom I know, you know? Like... I only know what I know, this shocks the crap out of me.

 

I also have to say that yes although on paper my mom's life does not seem happy, I absolutely guarantee she is one of the most happy wives I know. For her, her husband and kids are her life. As long as they're happy, she's happy. My dad is lazy but makes a lot of money and has a lot of loyalty towards my family. Never would he say a single mean word about my mom. And also neither of my parents have dated anyone, and my dad married exactly whom his mom told him to. That's what they think the right thing to do is, and that's what they did.

Doesn't that seem admirable? That someone's values (personal values) are put above their physical desires?

I think it's amazing.

 

 

 

And I have been in love before. It was an incredible roller coaster of emotions for me. I never felt so beautiful and amazing, but I also felt completely vulnerable and intense. You're right though, I'm inexperienced completely. Sorry, I seem to come off oddly rude on this site, but I promise that is not my intent. I loved my ex boyfriend, and I am currently dating him again. I have not had sex with anyone other than him. But I'm fine with that, and let me tell you..the fact I havent had sex with anyone else makes it feel more special now that I'm dating him again. LOL.

 

:love:

[temporaryvisa]

I understand what you said, Fallen Angel.

 

Your priorities are to the posters. I realize I wasn't very accomodating to the OP, but this is an "OM/OW" board. It's very specific. I came here for that. I didn't come on here thinking I would have to be accomodating to people's religious opinions about infidelity in general. I have spent decades personally going through that.

 

To me, that's not what this board is about. I won't defend myself to people who have never been there.

 

 

Wait, whaaaaat ? :/ If you don't like what I said, you're free to, but don't take it personally! You don't have to be accomodating to me, and it's NOT my religious opinions that sparked this question!

 

And don't defend yourself, fine. I am not attacking. I am genuinely curious, I PROMISE.

[temporaryvisa]

The fact that you didn't know...doesn't apply to all of us. Some of us do know.

 

OP, yes you do seem to be young. But the way we plan our lives usually leaves out the fact that we interact with others. They don't have to adhere, respect or acknowledge the way you chose to live your life. Humans don't always usually care about all of humanity...just parts of it. Unfortunate but true. There are people who make the decision to be a part of extra-marital dynamics consistently. There are those who have been in the situation and are no longer there and have no desire to ever be again. There are people who marry their AP and won't be AP ever again. You have to be able to decide for yourself, when you are ready of course, if marriage is something you want to be a part of and willing to put the work into...for life. And if you find that person who is attached....run, don't walk the other way.

 

 

Yep, I do know. It's true, I do know. My parents also knew that they would get an arranged marriage, they knew they would never cheat. It's not as if a devil comes into you making sure you cheat! If I don't love my husband anymore, I'd do anything to get that feeling/spark back, or divorce them!

 

But aren't my questions kind of common sense? :/ I get the whole "**** happens and life is complicated" but logically, having an affair doesnt make life easier..Just the opposite, right? Seems to me, anyone who partakes in an affair is having a weak moment.

[pureinheart]

Your original post is nothing but OW/OM bashing. Perhaps if you want answers from people (OM/OW/MM/MW) you could ask without calling them trashy, or being rude and judgemental, then you could get the answers you say you are seeking. *Just a thought.

 

You ARE being rude, however.

 

You are young, inexperienced with no perspective, except a very, VERY narrow one which you presented as your parents'.

 

Please don't post here unless you have a more involved opinion.

 

OP, you answered your own questions, so is your agenda to start arguments?

[bentnotbroken]

Yep, I do know. It's true, I do know. My parents also knew that they would get an arranged marriage, they knew they would never cheat. It's not as if a devil comes into you making sure you cheat! If I don't love my husband anymore, I'd do anything to get that feeling/spark back, or divorce them!

 

But aren't my questions kind of common sense? :/ I get the whole "**** happens and life is complicated" but logically, having an affair doesnt make life easier..Just the opposite, right? Seems to me, anyone who partakes in an affair is having a weak moment.

 

 

Yes, they are common sense, especially for some one who hasn't had to experience the turmoil of affairs. My children asked a lot of questions after d-day.

 

Sometimes it is a weak moment(one night stands), sometimes it is the affair partner has been lied to and didn't know the person was married, sometimes it is weak character, sometimes it's I don't give a damn. I am not one who believes you look one day and realize you are in an affair...especially if you are feeding feelings with someone who isn't your spouse. Those are choices. Temptation is a part of life for all of us. It will be until we die. The best you can do is be prayerful, keep firm boundaries, know the people you hang around with(they can help hold you accountable if they love you enough to speak up) and have good communication with your partner.

 

Never think marriage or your spouse(certainly not you)are perfect and that work is the order of the day.

[temporaryvisa]

The fact that you didn't know...doesn't apply to all of us. Some of us do know.

 

OP, yes you do seem to be young. But the way we plan our lives usually leaves out the fact that we interact with others. They don't have to adhere, respect or acknowledge the way you chose to live your life. Humans don't always usually care about all of humanity...just parts of it. Unfortunate but true. There are people who make the decision to be a part of extra-marital dynamics consistently. There are those who have been in the situation and are no longer there and have no desire to ever be again. There are people who marry their AP and won't be AP ever again. You have to be able to decide for yourself, when you are ready of course, if marriage is something you want to be a part of and willing to put the work into...for life. And if you find that person who is attached....run, don't walk the other way.

 

OP, you answered your own questions, so is your agenda to start arguments?

 

No... It started off as me being curious, and honestly wasn't expecting people to think I'm being rude. I answered my own questions but that obviously isnt the answer I'm lookin for. I already feel I understand more. Thanks.

[TOWinNYC]

I also have to say that yes although on paper my mom's life does not seem happy, I absolutely guarantee she is one of the most happy wives I know. For her, her husband and kids are her life. As long as they're happy, she's happy. My dad is lazy but makes a lot of money and has a lot of loyalty towards my family. Never would he say a single mean word about my mom. And also neither of my parents have dated anyone, and my dad married exactly whom his mom told him to. That's what they think the right thing to do is, and that's what they did.

Doesn't that seem admirable? That someone's values (personal values) are put above their physical desires?

I think it's amazing.

 

And I have been in love before. It was an incredible roller coaster of emotions for me. I never felt so beautiful and amazing, but I also felt completely vulnerable and intense. You're right though, I'm inexperienced completely. Sorry, I seem to come off oddly rude on this site, but I promise that is not my intent. I loved my ex boyfriend, and I am currently dating him again. I have not had sex with anyone other than him. But I'm fine with that, and let me tell you..the fact I havent had sex with anyone else makes it feel more special now that I'm dating him again. LOL.

 

:love:

 

TemporaryV,

OBVIOUSLY as much as you profess "wanting to be like your mom" - you really don't. Because if you did, you would have remained a virgin and waited for your parents to arrange your marriage for you, no?

 

I've heard the theory that arranged marriages "work" better because the expectations are laid out (W will do this, H will do that) from the beginning. And the love is developed as the M progresses and so on. And from what I've seen, it seems to be true - they do "work" better. I mean that in terms of the relationship "pulse" being more of a jiggle instead of peaks and valleys.

 

Just curious but do you think your parents are "passionate" with each other? And here's something to think about - how would either one of them know what passion is if they've never experienced it? Because love and passion are not the same thing. I'm not saying that there "can't be passion in an arranged M" but IMO, passion is hard to find in general.

 

And at the core of most (I won't say ALL because it's not true) affairs, lies passion. Otherwise, why would anyone do it? I'm not talking about one-night-stands, I'm talking about something more involved, emotional, physical, mental, etc. It's the "being in love" (not falling but BEING) and the "passion" that makes it so hard for people to walk away from an A.

[bentnotbroken]

No... It started off as me being curious, and honestly wasn't expecting people to think I'm being rude. I answered my own questions but that obviously isnt the answer I'm lookin for. I already feel I understand more. Thanks.

 

 

I hope you got some answers. But just to keep you from being jumped on..would you consider posting in the infidelity forum if you have more questions? But if you don't have a problem with the responses here...go for it.

[temporaryvisa]

TemporaryV,

OBVIOUSLY as much as you profess "wanting to be like your mom" - you really don't. Because if you did, you would have remained a virgin and waited for your parents to arrange your marriage for you, no?

 

I've heard the theory that arranged marriages "work" better because the expectations are laid out (W will do this, H will do that) from the beginning. And the love is developed as the M progresses and so on. And from what I've seen, it seems to be true - they do "work" better. I mean that in terms of the relationship "pulse" being more of a jiggle instead of peaks and valleys.

 

Just curious but do you think your parents are "passionate" with each other? And here's something to think about - how would either one of them know what passion is if they've never experienced it? Because love and passion are not the same thing. I'm not saying that there "can't be passion in an arranged M" but IMO, passion is hard to find in general.

 

And at the core of most (I won't say ALL because it's not true) affairs, lies passion. Otherwise, why would anyone do it? I'm not talking about one-night-stands, I'm talking about something more involved, emotional, physical, mental, etc. It's the "being in love" (not falling but BEING) and the "passion" that makes it so hard for people to walk away from an A.

 

 

Oh yes, that is very much true! I don't really want an arranged marriage, the guy I'm dating (its very casual right now..only 2 dates so far) is white, and I DON'T want a passion-less marriage... I have to admit the major flaw in my rents lives IS the passion. For example, even on their 25th anniversary vacation, they took us kids with them! Like, theyre romantic and sweet, but not hot for each other anymore (i dont think..lol. not that i really want to know)

 

Romance is important and so is passion but that ain't everything in a marriage, right? But that DOES make sense, I would think the passion is the biggest reason for any affair... Very true.

 

BUT--People get married for passionate reasons, usually, and of course the passion ebbs and flows, right? Why not recognize this and come to a balance, try to evoke some passion in each other? Even attempting it would bring amazing results Im sure! And if passion is temporary, passion for your "OW" or "OM" will also be temporary and so not worth it, right?

[temporaryvisa]

ROFL. Yes I'm aware of how forums work my lady!

 

 

My pot smoking does not hurt anyone or tear their heart to bits, nor does it make them feel cheated or indignant NOR am I breaking a promise to anyone.

When I smoke weed I am not doing it behind someone who I am supposed to be sharing my life with's back. I am doing it for myself, and it does not bother anyone in the way that having an affair does.

It is illegal, yup, which is my biggest hangup about it.

 

It is a personal choice. And I'm actually doing fine smoking it.

My parents are not happy about it, but they don't hate me for it, they have accepted it.

 

And it seems to me your name describes you perfectly! LOL. Why are you upset with me? Of course it's because you have partaken in this, and you feel defensive. WHY? Is my questioning not natural?

 

Either way it's dumb to assume that the reason I ask these questions is to make myself feel better for anything :S It seems to me you went through my posts to attack me, which is rather ridiculous. How you can compare smoking pot to having an affair, I don't know. I am not breaking families with my pot. I am not putting my partner at risk by having an affair. I am not ripping apart my promise with my husband by smoking.

[Tony]

We don't need a feud here and I won't tolerate it. People, let's get back to the business of responding to the OP and stop all other foolishness or I will push the button that will initiate a global thermonuclear war like you've never seen before.

 

That is all!

[temporaryvisa]

Aw, thank you very much.

[Tony]

The original post should not be taken personally by anyone. I think many people, including myself, are curious about the answers. I can sort of guess at them but I think many books have explored this topic and it doesn't hurt to get first hand answers to the questions posed in the original post.

 

Please take it seriously or don't post here. This lady is simply wanting to know answers for academic reasons. She is not attacking or insulting anyone. We are all anonymous here so answering honestly should not be a problem and the answers might help others understand the topic more clearly as well as the participants in affairs.

 

The OP may imply that she is critical of affairs and some of the wording is obviously in that direction. However, I am telling everyone who posts here to be objective and NOT to preach or condemn anyone for their behavior. Cheating is here to stay until the end of the world so we may as well just understand it. When we marry, we control ourselves but not the other person and can only have faith that they will be loyal...if that's what we wish.

 

I am asking everyone to keep their condemnations and judgments, if any, to themselves.

Edited August 14, 2010 by Tony

[temporaryvisa]

Awww! Now I'm getting sad. I think I am a very nice person! I guess that I have to admit, I looked at people who partake in affairs as kind of evil cheap or trashy, but already that is changing in my mind. I still think it is weak, but of course, everyone's situation depends. It makes sense to me that a wife with a scumbag husband could cheat, and a single mother with 3 kids would accept a married man's love. I feel like my mind has opened somewhat, and I thank you for that. Please stop saying I am rude, it makes me sad, I don't mean to be rude, I swear!