classic "i want my girl back" thread

[Omar]

Whats up everyone....this is a pretty standard thread and situation but there's some unique twists and turns in my personal situation so i would really appreciate some advice/input from the experts on here

 

i have been with a great girl for just under 3 years. we liked to say among ourselves, that we had the perfect relationship. We had our own friends, did our own things, went out without each other regularly and had lives outside of the relationship, fought a healthy amount (no repressing how we felt about something but no constant bickering) everything was great

 

over the last year or so, ive been experiencing some family issues and have, quite frankly, not been myself. ive been temperamental with my family, friends and yes my girl. she put up with it until we went to Chicago in May and she told me she didnt want to be with me anymore because i became an *******.

 

this is not her just using it as an excuse. i can understand where shes coming from, i myself recognized my attitude and behavior took a turn for the worse and no one in my life (friends, family, her) deserve to be treated that way. i always admit when im wrong and vowed to change such an unlikeable trait

 

i initially made the classic mistakes...trying to force her to take me back. when i realized this was not the right way to approach things, i told her lets just keep things open and see where they lead.

 

anyway a couple days later (this is in May) she called me and asked me to go to lunch. It was purely platonic but after this little lunch she called more and more often trying to make contact. eventually, it got to the point where everything went back to normal. she started kissing me whenever she saw me, having sex, she even started referring to me as her boyfriend and her as my girlfriend. this lasted the entire summer.

 

flash forward to last saturday. i was a bit drunk after having a few drinks at the bar and met up with her. i dont know how or why it came but i mentioned the relationship. she told me we wernt together and i flipped my ****. i dont understand. she called me EVERYDAY the ENTIRE summer. she iniciated contact literally daily. Just 2 days prior to this she invited me over and made me dinner and was begging for sex. How did the entire summer go back to square 1 after just mentioning the relationship (which i kno was a mistake)

 

i respected what she said and havent spoken to her since last saturday. she called me once for some random stupid reason and other then that, we havent spoken once in like 5 days (longest we've gone without speaking/seeing eachoother since we met)

 

i plan on keeping no contact.....i worked out my personal demons and have been treating her and everyone in my life a lot better despite my family problems and have nothing to apologize her. i really want her back but i know calling her and trying to negotiate it wont do anything and i dont want someone

 

im wondering why was she so clingy/into me all summer? calling me her boyfriend and all that....and to those who say maybe shes cheating or has someone else in mind....i would be very very surprised.....we have the same circle of friends and in my 3 years of knowing her, i have never caught her in a lie ONCE, not even about little things......i asked her flat out if she had someone else in mind and she swore to god she didnt and i believe her

 

anyway experts whats the deal? do we have hope? i love her very much and shes definitely the best girl ive personally ever met....would be a shame to let her get away

[Don Ho]

Omar you have no choice in letting her "get away" I am and was in a somewhat similar situation and did something similar. Wow can they do a 180 on you in a hurry when you bring up "relationship". Some women are very "relationship" phobic. She may not be as emotionally available as you think, but maybe that's another thread for later.

 

Yes, your mistake was drinking, opening your big mouth and then re-acting to her so emotionally. Bro WHY would you do that?? That showed insecurity on your part and that makes them lose attraction for you. Go pound your head on the wall 3 times. Now, IMO, you NEVER ask a woman to be your GF or your "status". It makes you sound like a pussy. The woman ASKS the guy if he will be her BF or brings up relationship stuff.

 

"i love her very much and shes definitely the best girl ive personally ever met". When did you start to act like such a pussy? You LOVE her. You're going to get no where if that's where you're at. The fact is she needs to be more into you than you are into her and that is part of the problem. Remember "The one that cares the least controls the relationship!" You have to go total NC. She may not come back. Sucks but true. Good luck.

[Omar]

Omar you have no choice in letting her "get away" I am and was in a somewhat similar situation and did something similar. Wow can they do a 180 on you in a hurry when you bring up "relationship". Some women are very "relationship" phobic. She may not be as emotionally available as you think, but maybe that's another thread for later.

 

Yes, your mistake was drinking, opening your big mouth and then re-acting to her so emotionally. Bro WHY would you do that?? That showed insecurity on your part and that makes them lose attraction for you. Go pound your head on the wall 3 times. Now, IMO, you NEVER ask a woman to be your GF or your "status". It makes you sound like a pussy. The woman ASKS the guy if he will be her BF or brings up relationship stuff.

 

"i love her very much and shes definitely the best girl ive personally ever met". When did you start to act like such a pussy? You LOVE her. You're going to get no where if that's where you're at. The fact is she needs to be more into you than you are into her and that is part of the problem. Remember "The one that cares the least controls the relationship!" You have to go total NC. She may not come back. Sucks but true. Good luck.

 

 

ya man i was acting like a total pansy.....why did i bring up our status as a couple? everything was going 100% my way until that night where i came off like a total pussy, you're completely right

 

what i find ironic is our entire relationship, she would always mention how i wasnt affectionate enough and doesnt feel like i love her (it was something she would always say in passing but never dwell on) its hilarious how the second i come out with any kind of emotions, it repels her more than anything but then again, women never really mean what they say anyway

 

we became official because of her your right. in fact i was the one who wasnt crazy about a relationship when we first started dating. i guess i gotta wait it out and see if she comes back

 

thanks man your post inspired me

[harkkam]

Honestly man its less about YOU and more about HER.

 

This tells me that when you even mentioned the word relationship she denied it and said you werent together however she mentioned you as her bf during the summer.

 

So she was the one sending mixed signals and its her fault for doing that. YOu were correct in assuming that you were IN a relationship.

 

However the freaking out part in the end is what lost you points. I realized from my last breakup never freak out over anything. Handle everything Kind but firmly.

 

I think that its her fault however, and it has nothing about being a pansy or a lover boy. You were with this girl for three years and thats a long time.

 

However she seems to have doubts about committing herself to you.

 

You can send her a short email like

 

Dear (name),

 

First Id like to apologize for my outburst, I'm a mature adult and that should not have happened. I really enjoyed my time during this summer with you. However Im realizing that perhaps you are not as decided and may have some doubts about being committed to a serious relationship with me. I would like you to know that I am truly looking for something serious. I think you're a great person with an enjoyable personality and have respect for you as a person. Though I think it would be best that we stopped seeing each other for a while so it will give you the time and space you need to decide what you really want.

 

Take care (name)

 

 

Something like that would be strong and powerful and would give you the answer of whether or not she wants to just play games or have a serious relationship.

 

Thats just my two cents

[Omar]

Honestly man its less about YOU and more about HER.

 

This tells me that when you even mentioned the word relationship she denied it and said you werent together however she mentioned you as her bf during the summer.

 

So she was the one sending mixed signals and its her fault for doing that. YOu were correct in assuming that you were IN a relationship.

 

However the freaking out part in the end is what lost you points. I realized from my last breakup never freak out over anything. Handle everything Kind but firmly.

 

I think that its her fault however, and it has nothing about being a pansy or a lover boy. You were with this girl for three years and thats a long time.

 

However she seems to have doubts about committing herself to you.

 

You can send her a short email like

 

Dear (name),

 

First Id like to apologize for my outburst, I'm a mature adult and that should not have happened. I really enjoyed my time during this summer with you. However Im realizing that perhaps you are not as decided and may have some doubts about being committed to a serious relationship with me. I would like you to know that I am truly looking for something serious. I think you're a great person with an enjoyable personality and have respect for you as a person. Though I think it would be best that we stopped seeing each other for a while so it will give you the time and space you need to decide what you really want.

 

Take care (name)

 

 

Something like that would be strong and powerful and would give you the answer of whether or not she wants to just play games or have a serious relationship.

 

Thats just my two cents

 

 

thanks for the post man

 

i dont see a point in sending a letter...she KNOWS i want to be in a relationship with her, i made it very clear vocally

 

i find it insane that she would deny that we were together....just a week prior to the incident she was acting all girlfriendy saying things like "babe lets hang out why do you have to go out with ur friends tonight"....the DAY before the incident, she cooked me dinner and invited me to her house

 

she even OPENLY called me her boyfriend and her my girlfriend and made references to "our relationship" several times all summer. yet when i mentioned it in a drunken haze, she looked at me and said "Omar....we broke up we ARE NOT together" wtf....i was co confused...we sure wernt acting broken up the entire summer

 

when she called the day after i appoligized for the outburst and agreed with the break up. i havent heard from her in like 5 days but i truely do not understand where we stand as a couple

 

when she initially broke up with me i told her we should ride it out and see where things take us. SHE iniciated contact ALL summer, SHE iniciated calling me pet names like babe/calling me her bf/sex for the first time since we broke up...then i mention the status of our relationship ONCE and she denies we're a couple? i dont understand it

 

never had a chick do this...when things were over with my exes, they definately werent as warm to me DAILY for over 2 MONTHS after we broke up...

 

i honestly dont understand wtf is going on

[Omar]

bump for more opinions!

[csman1411]

dont put her on a pedastal..Same thing happened with my girl, we were together all summer..we fought healthy to but not to much...she told me she loved me and had all this planned how she wanted to move in, where she was gonna put everything at duh duh duh literally a week before the break up. Was out a bar, was a little wasted some dude was hitting on her and i blew up on him, embarrassed her and she ended things. Caught her talking to her rebound guy that she had the first time we had broken up 6 months ago. Honestly man, there is nothing more i wanna be with than this girl. But I realized that its not about ME anymore and more about HER. she is immature and needs to grow up and until that happens i refuse to let it deplete me. Get in the gym, run, hang out with your friends. AND DONT LET HER COME RUNNING BACK THE FIRST TIME SHE TRIES cuz she is probably out of emotion and the same thing is gonna happen. Btw the first time we broke up was totally my fault, i had the same family problems, and got in a huge fight with her that probably scared her to death. one you realize you have done the growing up, you have to let her do it too and not help her with it. if its meant to be then it will be, you just need to be preparing yourself to stand up to her when she comes running back cuz if your not, youll end up like me...im in the same situation i was in 6 months ago

[csman1411]

heres a little illustration...you and your girl are standing on the opposites of a brick wall...no matter how hard you try to get to her your not getting to the other side. the harder you try to get through the wall, the harder your gonna fall and the more its gonna hurt. the only way yall will get back together is if yall meet each other at the side of the wall. One side might be longer than the others so you will have to keep bettering yourself. You might meet someone on your side that requires you to stop walking and so might she but until that happens you keep walking by yourself. you cant go on each other sides because this walk requires yall not to be there for each other. Its about your own personal walk to bettering yourselves. If you try to help then your gonna end up back at your side to square one. SOOO stop banging your head cuz its not gonna do anything but hurt you more, start bettering yourself and see what happens.

[Don Ho]

Omar, I disagree with Harkkam. You did start turning into a pussy and the more you did it, the more her interest and attraction to you plummeted. This is what 90% of guys do and the reason women dump us. They want a MAN, not a boy. BTW, glad you "got it" when I said you were acting like a pussy and did not take it as an insult.

 

This was not her fault, you WANT her guessing and sending mixed messages. Her ACTIONS showed you she was very interested and wanted to be with you. I still think it's best NOT to ask a woman if she wants to be your GF or the "status" of your relationship. It gives her power and ultimately the woman wants the MAN to have power even though they will deny it.

 

DO NOT send her a letter. It will push her away MORE. You will look like you're groveling and again like a weak little man. That will result in her repelling you more, but you already know that. So continue NC bro. IMO, that's your only shot. IF she contacts you and IF you start to reconcile, REMEMBER not to start acting like a pussy up front to try to win her back and DO NOT shower her with flowers and attention. Kick back, you can show you're interested and, believe me, if a woman is interested in you, she WILL let you know. Hang in there.

Edited August 16, 2010 by Don Ho

[skydiveaddict]

I want my girl back too. But it aint gonna happen

 

You might have to bite bullet and move on.

[Omar]

Omar, I disagree with Harkkam. You did start turning into a pussy and the more you did it, the more her interest and attraction to you plummeted. This is what 90% of guys do and the reason women dump us. They want a MAN, not a boy. BTW, glad you "got it" when I said you were acting like a pussy and did not take it as an insult.

 

This was not her fault, you WANT her guessing and sending mixed messages. Her ACTIONS showed you she was very interested and wanted to be with you. I still think it's best NOT to ask a woman if she wants to be your GF or the "status" of your relationship. It gives her power and ultimately the woman wants the MAN to have power even though they will deny it.

 

DO NOT send her a letter. It will push her away MORE. You will look like you're groveling and again like a weak little man. That will result in her repelling you more, but you already know that. So continue NC bro. IMO, that's your only shot. IF she contacts you and IF you start to reconcile, REMEMBER not to start acting like a pussy up front to try to win her back and DO NOT shower her with flowers and attention. Kick back, you can show you're interested and, believe me, if a woman is interested in you, she WILL let you know. Hang in there.

 

 

yea man i know where i ****ed up.....when i first met her SHE was the one who was all over me, was the one who constantly questioned our status and brought up the relationship

 

i had the upper hand the entire relationship....we got along well, were well balanced and i can safely say neither one of us were "whipped" by the other....we never broke up and always worked through our problems

 

when we broke up in May I initially acted like a pussy...as soon as i stopped (literally took like 3 days) she was basically ringing my phone off the hook and driving down to come see me

 

i cant believe how much things can change in literally ONE day saying ONE stupid thing

 

been consistently practicing NC for a week now...i dont plan on being the one to initiate contact

 

my older brother (a self declared player in his 30s lol) told me the best way to get a girl back who broke up with you without being a chump is to do NC, play it cool if she calls you but dont act too interested and if she doesnt call.....initiate contact ONCE after 3 - 4 weeks......he has some theory where women are most sitting on the fence about their relationship status after a month of NC and is the best time to move in

 

what does anyone think of this?

 

ironically, we are going to be working together in September (law firm) and i dont know how thats going to work especially if we never talk the rest of the summer

 

sigh

 

evreything was going great....cant beleive one drunken incident of spilling my guts out could do so much damage

[nittanylion]

yea man i know where i ****ed up.....when i first met her SHE was the one who was all over me, was the one who constantly questioned our status and brought up the relationship

 

i had the upper hand the entire relationship....we got along well, were well balanced and i can safely say neither one of us were "whipped" by the other....we never broke up and always worked through our problems

 

when we broke up in May I initially acted like a pussy...as soon as i stopped (literally took like 3 days) she was basically ringing my phone off the hook and driving down to come see me

 

i cant believe how much things can change in literally ONE day saying ONE stupid thing

 

been consistently practicing NC for a week now...i dont plan on being the one to initiate contact

 

my older brother (a self declared player in his 30s lol) told me the best way to get a girl back who broke up with you without being a chump is to do NC, play it cool if she calls you but dont act too interested and if she doesnt call.....initiate contact ONCE after 3 - 4 weeks......he has some theory where women are most sitting on the fence about their relationship status after a month of NC and is the best time to move in

 

what does anyone think of this?

 

ironically, we are going to be working together in September (law firm) and i dont know how thats going to work especially if we never talk the rest of the summer

 

sigh

 

evreything was going great....cant beleive one drunken incident of spilling my guts out could do so much damage

 

 

Yes, your brother is rite. You need to remain NC at all times. Let her think and miss you.

 

My ex cheats on me recently. I didn't beg or plead to get her back. WTF? Why should i beg her? I am not the one that who cheats. She cheats and should beg for a second chance. Even though, she begs for a second chance, I wouldn't even take her back. I lost fate and trust in her. Our relationship has damaged, and its irreversible.

 

I put on a NC for 2 weeks. Just 3 days ago, she called me and didnt leave a message. I never returned her call. I will to keep this way. I am determined to move on with my life.

[Omar]

Yes, your brother is rite. You need to remain NC at all times. Let her think and miss you.

 

My ex cheats on me recently. I didn't beg or plead to get her back. WTF? Why should i beg her? I am not the one that who cheats. She cheats and should beg for a second chance. Even though, she begs for a second chance, I wouldn't even take her back. I lost fate and trust in her. Our relationship has damaged, and its irreversible.

 

I put on a NC for 2 weeks. Just 3 days ago, she called me and didnt leave a message. I never returned her call. I will to keep this way. I am determined to move on with my life.

 

cheating/being obviously dumped for someone else are 2 scenarios where i would never EVER consider a second chance for any chick im dating

 

this girl was loyal to me our entire relationship....i had never caught her in a lie (big or small) even once.

 

but yea man cheating is bad...could never get back with a chick after that

[harkkam]

But I think that there comes a point when as MEN we need to just say "HOLD ON" and place the blame on the other person.

 

I dont like wen make themselves feel like they messed up and made a mistake. Why should we accept inconsistent behavior from anyone.

 

Man or woman, nobody has the right to mess with your head.

 

Why should we allow a woman who shows inconsistent behavior as in calling you her BF and then you say something about being together she freaks out.

 

I dont care what its called being a pussy or not, Im not going to blame myself on that and call myself a pu*ssy or less of a man for wanting to know what the status is.

 

I dont think its weak if your a strong man, you have a right to know and if your woman is sending mixed signals verbally but acting like she is with you. Forget that Im calling her out on that shi*t.

 

The letter yeah dont send it, if NC is what you want to maintain or already have started it. I would have sent a letter if the incident was fresh or maybe 3-4 weeks later like these guys suggested.

 

Personally I just would never call myself less of a man for getting mad at a woman sending me mixed signals, I dont care if men are the ones who are supposed to do not do that or just not care about the status. Forget the games, be straight with me or be out.

 

What I do is I AM the one to deal with the status of the relationship on my terms. I let them get close to me after about 5-6 dates. Then you have sex with them and after that I always say, "Hey baby, guess what, I want you to be my girl" and they say "Yeah, are you sure" and i say "yeah baby" and then I smile and just grab them some more

 

See when I met this girl I dated for a year after about three dates she said to me "Im not looking for something quick, I take time to get close maybe something serious" and I said "well Im not sure what I want yet, lets take it slow" and I leave them guessing for another month of so and then I go for the kill after sex.

 

I feel like its my terms the way I want, what I want and its easier that way then worrying about never showing emotions or worrying about showing status or not. Just do w.e you want.

 

However I DID become a PUSSY after that about six months into the relationship I became really insecure and started stupid arguments and would constantly break up with her until she got fed up and left me for good. Ever since that its been hell

Edited August 16, 2010 by harkkam

[finder]

I don't think you acted like a pussy either. By all means, don't contact her. But I'm just saying that I don't believe you did anything wrong by inquiring about your status as a couple.

I hate to admit it, but this whole "don't act too interested" thing does work on women (or me at least ). I, personally, tend to get less interested in a man if he shows too much interest initially. Part of the excitement that makes him so attractive at first is wondering if he's going to call back and all that.

But that's at first. Whether you broke up or not, you know this girl. You were in a relationship with her for a long time. That "I'm not sure if I'm interested" act loses it's appeal after a while. Once the commitment is made, I, personally, no longer enjoy playing those games. The "game" is to keep them interested initially.

So what I'm saying here, I guess, is that I don't think that you SHOULD have been playing hard-to-get. You shouldn't be playing those games at all. I don't think what you did makes you a pussy. You know her well enough that it's not weird for you to say something about your relationship status.

I'm leaning more toward the "it's HER" camp. After 2 months of what you thought was dating a girl that you had already dated for a significant amount of time, I don't see what was inappropriate about your question to her. And there is NOTHING wrong with loving her. It seems to me that relationships (serious ones, like the one you want) shouldn't be built on who has the most power or who cares less. Maybe it was your reaction that scared her off, but I would react the same way! That doesn't make sense. I'd say just play it cool and see what happens. Maybe she'll reconsider.

[Omar]

baaaaah so i broke NC after initiating it for the first time exactly 1 week ago

 

had a short conversation about work that I STUPIDLY initiated on AIM

 

on the plus side, i was happy and didnt bring up the relationship or trying to meet her

 

on the negative side i called her in the middle of the convo and she said "maybe calling isnt a good idea yea" to which i said thats cool

 

we talked for around 10 minutes then i just said i had to go

 

bah i kno i ***ed up...but how badly do you guys think?

[lalalandman]

dude, never use the word "relationship" with a girl. They get all butt hurt. Girls have this evil side where they want to feel more powerful than her lion, and when you let them, they get power trips and go skipping and frolicking like they're the best thing since sliced bread. Which means that now you need to be the lion again and back off from her completely.