Chuckf2000 Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 I'm new here but I'll just jump right in. My wife and I are separated after 28 years of marriage. There is 12 years difference in our age. I went over this with her in the beginning, 'are you sure?' 'yes, i'm sure, your age doesn't matter.' 2 months before our only child graduated from the university, she packed her bags and left. She said she 'wasn't happy.' She is my life. I can't imagine going through life without her. She has completely cut any ties to me. She won't return my calls when I try to talk with her, she ignores me and shuts her car door in my face. When she left, she was making more than me. I was a real estate agent but the market has gone to crap. Shortly after she left, I got a job doing customer service with a telecommunications company. My back and legs started bothering me so I had to quit. I've always been ambitious so I've been working on a network marketing business. I know I can build a business out of it but my attitude is, what's the use, if I don't have her to share it with? It's been a year and a half now. I still crack up from time to time. Here I am, soon to be 61. I guess it was time for her to trade up.
Gunny376 Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Welcome to a little something I like to call ~ "LIFE" Its a "Twilight" episode and surreal! Your damned if you do and your damned if you don'!t" Matters not whether your a man or a woman? I screwed up ~ f***ked up a lot in my life ~ made a a lot of bad decisions? There's a lot of things I regret and wish I could go back and change? Most of it has to with just plaiin old ignorance? I just didn't know any better. I had no one to show nor tell me the difference? Quit beating yourself up! You gave it your all and the best you had at the time! She sounds likes a "user" and "abuser" ~ FORGET HER!
carhill Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 No worries. She's around 50. Menopausal. Get your Plan B in order, starting today. Consult with a lawyer on Monday. If you have any further contact with her, only tell her 'it's MC (marriage counseling) or Plan B; your decision';..... don't elaborate. Plan B is using whatever means which can be argued to be legal in court to protect your interests. Fairness and equity is not an option in Plan B. It's not tic tic toe, rather global thermonuclear war. Choices have consequences. Make sure she gets her share. Welcome to LS
Author Chuckf2000 Posted August 14, 2010 Author Posted August 14, 2010 No, she's not a user and abuser. It pretty much started 5 years ago when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She shut me out of her life through the treatments and since. Whatever Gunny. Welcome to a little something I like to call ~ "LIFE" Its a "Twilight" episode and surreal! Your damned if you do and your damned if you don'!t" Matters not whether your a man or a woman? I screwed up ~ f***ked up a lot in my life ~ made a a lot of bad decisions? There's a lot of things I regret and wish I could go back and change? Most of it has to with just plaiin old ignorance? I just didn't know any better. I had no one to show nor tell me the difference? Quit beating yourself up! You gave it your all and the best you had at the time! She sounds likes a "user" and "abuser" ~ FORGET HER!
Author Chuckf2000 Posted August 14, 2010 Author Posted August 14, 2010 Screw that! I don't need a lawyer. She's not like that at all. She's actually given me our house we have paid for (the other one got foreclosed on, plus lost my new truck). She's living with her mother and sister. I'm living in the free and clear house with my daughter. I already told her I was going to get the deed put in my daughters name with lifetime rights to me and her (my wife). I did a will and changed the beneficiary on my life insurance to my daughter. I stipulated in the will that my daughter is to receive the SBP payments my wife will get from the Navy when I die. I know she doesn't have to abide by that, it's not really legal for me to give that to my daughter but I'm sure she will. She'd do anything for her daughter. She had offered to pay the $100/month I have to pay for SBP if I was going to keep it sent to her. Anyway, that's all for now I guess. No worries. She's around 50. Menopausal. Get your Plan B in order, starting today. Consult with a lawyer on Monday. If you have any further contact with her, only tell her 'it's MC (marriage counseling) or Plan B; your decision';..... don't elaborate. Plan B is using whatever means which can be argued to be legal in court to protect your interests. Fairness and equity is not an option in Plan B. It's not tic tic toe, rather global thermonuclear war. Choices have consequences. Make sure she gets her share. Welcome to LS
carhill Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 You supported your wife through a breast cancer battle and she leaves after she's in remission and you assert she's 'not like that'? She can transmute whatever marital property she wants to, but the laws of the state where you reside will control disposition if she 'changes her mind'. Ask a lawyer about a post-nup to solidify the generous choices she apparently has made. There should be no issues with that. Or, get a legal separation agreement which will outline your property settlement. If this dynamic is affecting you psychologically to the point of 'not being able to handle it', get professional help. Nothing wrong with asking for help. Your medical doctor would be a great first stop for a complete physical. When I saw your age, I immediately thought of my parents; my mom was your age when my dad contracted liver cancer. She cared for him personally for 3 years before he died. Your wife didn't die, but I'll bet you cared for her, in many of the same ways. That's how it usually goes. Now you feel abandoned, which I'll bet was a very real fear during her battle with cancer. You thought you were going to lose her and then she got better and you lost her anyway. That sucks. My sympathies.
Author Chuckf2000 Posted August 14, 2010 Author Posted August 14, 2010 I posted here because I am emotionally a wreck and all you people want to do is give me legal advise. Nice caring place you have here. bye
michaelhopes Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 She is my life. I can't imagine going through life without herThere's your problem in a nutshell......
michaelhopes Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Chuck, any time a man makes a woman his "life" and "cant live without her" he is doomed..... And doomed to make the same mistake over and over again.... The posters here are only trying to help you and are on your side believe it or not........come back when you've calmed down.....
carhill Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 It's interesting how it's been the men, few of us there are here, who have responded, and probably one of the most sage, seasoned and sincerely helpful of them was the first respondent. For myself, even after only a short decade, losing my partner in divorce was quite a shocking and saddening experience. I can only imagine what it's like after nearly living one's entire adult life with someone. Oh, well, at least we tried. Not much else one can do on an anonymous forum. I tried psych drugs when I couldn't handle it. They did help me through the rough spots. YMMV
michaelhopes Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 My dad was career,3 tour, USMC Gunny, ....when I was a teen all his advice seemed curt and non-applicable. Now umpteen years later his advice makes perfect sense......
cavedweller Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Chuck, The folks posting here are only trying to help you.. Look, if she left you and has moved on you need to face the facts and take the necessary steps to rebuild your life. BTW, you need to hit the bricks, 24/7, and find a job..(life sucks when you have no steady income)
foamy2001 Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 I posted here because I am emotionally a wreck and all you people want to do is give me legal advise. Nice caring place you have here. bye Nothing anyone can say is going to help you emotionally... actually, I take that back. Only your wife telling you that she still loves you and wants to be with you could possibly help you emotionally. Even then, I suspect you would still be upset and worried about the same thing happening again. This forum is full of experience on splitting up and divorce. I would be willing to bet that almost everyone here was an emotional wreck when they were at your stage of the game. I am also willing to be that if they had it all to do over, they would put their emotions on the backburner and focus on the things they could change, such as protecting themselves legally and financially. You say "she's not like that" but did you always suspect she was the type of person to bail on a relationship? Prepare yourself to discover all kinds of things about her you didn't think were possible. I am truly sorry for your situation and it sucks that you need to be here. Still, understand that no reply has the intention of trying to hurt you.
karnak Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Of couse...we only know his part of the story. We have no idea how he treated his wife. But 28 years is really a loooong time. I can't see anyone living another person unless their relationship was a fraud since the beginning. The way I see it: - His wife wanted a "passport" to leave the parental home. - She married him knowing he'd probably treat her well and not cheat on her (12 years age gap would help that) - She married and had a kid (almost all women's "social status requirement") - They both got older. He started to become less attractive and "boring". - Their kid is raised and on his way to become independent. No need for a family life now. - She wants to "live life" again. - Game Over.
cavedweller Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Chuck, I am divorced. I was married for 17 years, so, I know where you are coming from.. If you can work it out with her..Good, go for it. If you can't work it out then you need to put your marriage behind you and move on. There is no future or life living in limbo and facing the drama every day. Life is too short. BTW, there is life after divorce..Believe me on this one.
You Go Girl Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Come back, Chuck. We all feel your pain. The guys haven't said so, many of them, in your thread, some of them simply because they are exhausted from saying it so many times. We will listen, we will let you vent, we will understand, we will be helpful with the emotional pain.
Recommended Posts