Nothing makes sense

[siuys]

Hi everyone, i've been involved with a MM for 6 months. Initially it was just the occasional date, and i tried to end it three times but got back together with him anyway. it was almost love at first sight, the chemistry and connection were instant. we have common interests, goals, etc. then i went overseas for 2 months and we kept in contact - daily emails, chats, occasional phone call. i told him i cannot see him unless he moves out.

 

6 weeks into my trip he moved out, and i came home. i insisted living together was a bad idea at the beginning so he agreed to live separately. i also considered his wife and kids, and wanted the transition to be as smooth as possible thus not moving in and dropping a bomb straight away. we spent few more months together. we had some lovely times and were talking about a future together etc. i started to notice he was getting emotionally more unstable, and recently he's had panic attacks and i think the reality of his situation has finally hit him. i was there the entire time, listening, trying to help him deal with it as i've been there before. he has been married 18 years with two teenage kids.

 

i have no children. we were getting closer emotionally and we loved each other. i was prepared to ride out this storm with him. from one day to the next he changed his mind and decided he wanted to give his marriage another shot. i was devastated. truth is, i know we love each other, but i guess he loves his family more. he said for the sake of the boys, and not sure if he can regain the feelings for his wife. their marriage is not so bad nor dysfunctional, mainly communication/attraction issues now i believe.

 

i just can't get over the fact that he made that decision when emotionally very unstable and ill - as soon as he saw his boys freaking out about the apart situation, his wife suggested counseling, and he jumped at the opportunity. he admitted he may have made a mistake, but now that he has decided, he will give it his best. i know he still loves me, and i don't understand how he can go to marriage counseling with me as this big skeleton in the closet? i have also given him a 'chance' - saying that i hope once he's sorted out his life and head, that he will come back to me. i know that was a stupid thing to do. how can i move on? it's only been a few days.

 

i keep reminding myself that he chose not to be with me, despite everything. secretly i hope he will come back, but i must move on and not hope. it's a lose lose situation for me. anyone out there who can make sense of this warped situation please help me. we could both see so much potential in this relationship and in love, but he is someone who values family love greatly - almost obsessive and wants the family unit to be traditional. he's been trying to maintain this despite not being happily married for about 10 years. please help me.

Edited August 14, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[bentnotbroken]

Hi everyone, i've been involved with a MM for 6 months.(1. Initially it was just the occasional date), and i tried to end it three times but got back together with him anyway.(2 it was almost love at first sight), the chemistry and connection were instant. we have common interests, goals, etc. then i went overseas for 2 months and we kept in contact - daily emails, chats, occasional phone call. i told him i cannot see him unless he moves out. 6 weeks into my trip he moved out, and i came home. i insisted living together was a bad idea at the beginning so he agreed to live separately.(3 i also considered his wife and kids, and wanted the transition to be as smooth as possible thus not moving in and dropping a bomb straight away.) we spent few more months together. we had some lovely times and were talking about a future together etc. i started to notice he was getting emotionally more unstable, and recently he's had panic attacks and i think the reality of his situation has finally hit him. i was there the entire time, listening, trying to help him deal with it as i've been there before. he has been married 18 years with two teenage kids. i have no children. we were getting closer emotionally and we loved each other. i was prepared to ride out this storm with him. from one day to the next he changed his mind and decided he (4.wanted to give his marriage another shot.) i was devastated. truth is, i know we love each other, but i guess he loves his family more. he said for the sake of the boys, and not sure if he can regain the feelings for his wife. their marriage is not so bad nor dysfunctional, mainly communication/attraction issues now i believe. i just can't get over the fact that he made that decision when emotionally very unstable and ill - as soon as he saw his boys freaking out about the apart situation, his wife suggested counselling, and he jumped at the opportunity. he admitted he may have made a mistake, but now that he has decided, he will give it his best. i know he still loves me, and i don't understand how he can go to (5.marriage counselling with me as this big skeleton in the closet?) i have also given him a 'chance' - saying that i hope once he's sorted out (6. his life and head, that he will come back to me.) i know that was a stupid thing to do. how can i move on? it's only been a few days. i keep reminding myself that he chose not to be with me, despite everything. secretly i hope he will come back, but i must move on and not hope. it's a lose lose situation for me. anyone out there who can make sense of this warped situation please help me. we could both see so much potential in this relationship and in love, (7.but he is someone who values family love greatly) - almost obsessive and wants the family unit to be traditional.(8. he's been trying to maintain this despite not being happily married for about 10 years. please help me.)

 

 

1) love how married people date.

 

2)love at first site. I wonder what they see that says "ooohhhh I :love:you"

 

3)that's so very kind of you to think about his wife and children after you and he started an affair. Too bad it couldn't have happened before.

 

4)he never left the marriage. He just moved in with you.

 

5) agreed a truly punk move. But not unusual. It follows the general script if a cheating MP.

 

6)Why would you want him with him lying so many people .

 

7) yup his actions with you showed that love.

 

8)and you know this because you talked with his wife and got her side of the story right?

[ladydesigner]

1) love how married people date.

 

2)love at first site. I wonder what they see that says "ooohhhh I :love:you"

 

3)that's so very kind of you to think about his wife and children after you and he started an affair. Too bad it couldn't have happened before.

 

4)he never left the marriage. He just moved in with you.

 

5) agreed a truly punk move. But not unusual. It follows the general script if a cheating MP.

 

6)Why would you want him with him lying so many people .

 

7) yup his actions with you showed that love.

 

8)and you know this because you talked with his wife and got her side of the story right?

 

I have to say I agree with you BnB.

 

siuys please do not take her words the wrong way. Your story unfortunately is not unique and many of us found LS the same way you did. Please read many of the posts here.

 

Sorry you are hurting, welcome to LS.

[Confused4Now]

I have to say I agree with you BnB.

 

siuys please do not take her words the wrong way. Your story unfortunately is not unique and many of us found LS the same way you did. Please read many of the posts here.

 

Sorry you are hurting, welcome to LS.

This might hurt but all of it is so true....It is what it is....try and learn from it. When I came to LS they said the same things to me but my love was different....hahahahaha yeah right.

If he's telling you he wants to work on his marriage believe it. No matter how he looks at you and you see it in his eyes or hear it in his voice. What matters is what he does...ACTIONS and I think you know what his actions are showing.

[Mimolicious]

In addition to BNB's list, please let's add #9: Paragraphs are friends!

 

 

Siuys- Welcome to LS.

 

You can't get over what fact? That once he saw reality he had an epiphany of what life would be without his kids and that boring ass W of his? I gotta say, for a minute put yourself in his W's shoes... Was she suppose to get over the fact that he bounced with OW after 18yrs and 2 kids? What do you think???

 

It can be the other way around... that he made a decision to leave his home while emotionally unstable and ill and then recognized that he made a mistake. To be honest, if seeing what his selfish decisions did to his children made him wake the hell up, this dude is actually more stable and not so emotionally "ill" than many. Sorry, he perhaps did the right thing just that the odds where not in your favor this time.

 

I wonder, WTH do people go to find these "love at first sight" connections? I've been single for a minute now...

[BB07]

I'm sorry that you are in pain.

 

Your MM made a choice, and unfortunately you have to abide by it, regardless if you think it's wrong or not. Do your best to go on with your life and try not to obsess about him or if he is coming back.

 

I would caution you about making sure that he is done with his marriage if he does come back, don't allow him to fence sit and go back and forth between both of you. If you do that, the pain will be even worse for you and there are no winners in a situation such as that. Read some of the stories here about MM going back and forth, it's hell and you do NOT want to go there.

 

Hugs........

[bentnotbroken]

In addition to BNB's list, please let's add #9: Paragraphs are friends!

 

 

Siuys- Welcome to LS.

 

You can't get over what fact? That once he saw reality he had an epiphany of what life would be without his kids and that boring ass W of his? I gotta say, for a minute put yourself in his W's shoes... Was she suppose to get over the fact that he bounced with OW after 18yrs and 2 kids? What do you think???

 

It can be the other way around... that he made a decision to leave his home while emotionally unstable and ill and then recognized that he made a mistake. To be honest, if seeing what his selfish decisions did to his children made him wake the hell up, this dude is actually more stable and not so emotionally "ill" than many. Sorry, he perhaps did the right thing just that the odds where not in your favor this time.

 

I wonder, WTH do people go to find these "love at first sight" connections? I've been single for a minute now...

 

 

I dont' want someone to love me at first sight. That means something is wrong with them. I want someone to take the time to get know me...flaws, good points, pet peeves, idiocrecies, hang ups, flash points, passions, dreams, goals and fun zones. I am complex(on occasion nutty as a damn bat:laugh:) and a not easy to live with. I have issues that will be life long(emotional and physical). Someone should want to know these things if they want to be with me for more than sex(which ain't gonna happen:p). And my children are going to be more than a little over protective after what we have all been through.

[Mimolicious]

I dont' want someone to love me at first sight. That means something is wrong with them. I want someone to take the time to get know me...flaws, good points, pet peeves, idiocrecies, hang ups, flash points, passions, dreams, goals and fun zones. I am complex(on occasion nutty as a damn bat:laugh:) and a not easy to live with. I have issues that will be life long(emotional and physical). Someone should want to know these things if they want to be with me for more than sex(which ain't gonna happen:p). And my children are going to be more than a little over protective after what we have all been through.

 

 

I'm with you BNB... Besides, sad to say but at least IMC, I've been through enough to not even believe in the little hearts flying and birds chirping, unicorns and rainbows. Sucks but that is the way I feel. Such bad experiences has made me lose the spunk about it.

 

I have no idea why so many people live in so much drama for the sake of following a feeling....

[fooled once]

1) love how married people date.

 

2)love at first site. I wonder what they see that says "ooohhhh I :love:you"

 

3)that's so very kind of you to think about his wife and children after you and he started an affair. Too bad it couldn't have happened before.

 

4)he never left the marriage. He just moved in with you.

 

5) agreed a truly punk move. But not unusual. It follows the general script if a cheating MP.

 

6)Why would you want him with him lying so many people .

 

7) yup his actions with you showed that love.

 

8)and you know this because you talked with his wife and got her side of the story right?

 

Totally agree. I don't understand how married people can 'date' anyone else....

 

In addition to BNB's list, please let's add #9: Paragraphs are friends!

 

 

Siuys- Welcome to LS.

 

You can't get over what fact? That once he saw reality he had an epiphany of what life would be without his kids and that boring ass W of his? I gotta say, for a minute put yourself in his W's shoes... Was she suppose to get over the fact that he bounced with OW after 18yrs and 2 kids? What do you think???

 

It can be the other way around... that he made a decision to leave his home while emotionally unstable and ill and then recognized that he made a mistake. To be honest, if seeing what his selfish decisions did to his children made him wake the hell up, this dude is actually more stable and not so emotionally "ill" than many. Sorry, he perhaps did the right thing just that the odds where not in your favor this time.

 

I wonder, WTH do people go to find these "love at first sight" connections? I've been single for a minute now...

 

Yep - agree with you too Mimo - especially the paragraph part!

 

I think the MM wanted some thrill after being in an 18 year marriage. The marriage was in a lull, a 'dull' moment (and I wonder what HE did to spice up the marriage? Seems like his answer was an affair )

 

Once he got out of the marriage, he realized what he was missing. Instead of being honest with the mistress, he used the same old excuse of "because of the kids". In reality, it was probably he saw what a jerk he had been to his wife, realized that 18 years with someone who knows your past and who you planned a future with wasn't worth throwing away on some other person, who doesn't have kid and who doesn't 'get' it in regards to parenting and that he was a fool to do what he did. In order to save face, he tells the mistress that he loves HER, but just has to go back to the family...because he is all about nuclear families what a joke he is.

 

I dont' want someone to love me at first sight. That means something is wrong with them. I want someone to take the time to get know me...flaws, good points, pet peeves, idiocrecies, hang ups, flash points, passions, dreams, goals and fun zones. I am complex(on occasion nutty as a damn bat:laugh:) and a not easy to live with. I have issues that will be life long(emotional and physical). Someone should want to know these things if they want to be with me for more than sex(which ain't gonna happen:p). And my children are going to be more than a little over protective after what we have all been through.

 

I agree Bent. I have to KNOW someone before loving that person - I don't fall in love with looks --- I fall in love with the PERSON and their ACTIONS and behaviors. I don't fall in love with cheaters; that isn't what I want in my future. I want an honest person with integrity and honor, not a cheater.

[2sunny]

you took action with a man that is still married.

 

that is why i always advise women in these situations - not to take any action until the MM divorce is FINAL! that is the only way you have evidence that he intends to actually GET DIVORCED!

 

IF a man really, really, really wants to be with you - he would move mountains to make it happen.

 

to wait a bit longer IF it is meant to be - is nothing - compared to the amount of years we get here on this earth.

 

proper order - makes things better. you did things out of order = they usually turn out badly.

 

sorry for your pain.

[siuys]

Many thanks for your reply, everyone. It hurts but i am happy you guys have been honest with me. i agree. it's been stupid getting involved in the first place. how naive that i thought our case was different. i'm working hard at not hoping he will return, and busy with getting on with my life. i have asked him not to contact me until at least the new year, then he said 1 january. i'd be curious if he calls me then. i am secretly fantasising that he will, and wants to come back, but i'd already moved on. it's mean, but i'm hurting. anyway, i've learnt a lot about myself since i've known him, and i could NEVER bear the thought of him going back and forth. This past 6 months has been enough of a roller coaster ride, i do not want more. And if he does get divorced, it will be AT LEAST a year away before anything is finalised so i'm not hanging around waiting for him. f*&^ him! thanks guys. i will update you guys later. and if i need more emotional help, i will post again.

[Ellin]

Hi everyone, i've been involved with a MM for 6 months. Initially it was just the occasional date, and i tried to end it three times but got back together with him anyway. it was almost love at first sight, the chemistry and connection were instant. we have common interests, goals, etc. then i went overseas for 2 months and we kept in contact - daily emails, chats, occasional phone call. i told him i cannot see him unless he moves out. 6 weeks into my trip he moved out, and i came home. i insisted living together was a bad idea at the beginning so he agreed to live separately. i also considered his wife and kids, and wanted the transition to be as smooth as possible thus not moving in and dropping a bomb straight away. we spent few more months together. we had some lovely times and were talking about a future together etc. i started to notice he was getting emotionally more unstable, and recently he's had panic attacks and i think the reality of his situation has finally hit him. i was there the entire time, listening, trying to help him deal with it as i've been there before. he has been married 18 years with two teenage kids. i have no children. we were getting closer emotionally and we loved each other. i was prepared to ride out this storm with him. from one day to the next he changed his mind and decided he wanted to give his marriage another shot. i was devastated. truth is, i know we love each other, but i guess he loves his family more. he said for the sake of the boys, and not sure if he can regain the feelings for his wife. their marriage is not so bad nor dysfunctional, mainly communication/attraction issues now i believe. i just can't get over the fact that he made that decision when emotionally very unstable and ill - as soon as he saw his boys freaking out about the apart situation, his wife suggested counselling, and he jumped at the opportunity. he admitted he may have made a mistake, but now that he has decided, he will give it his best. i know he still loves me, and i don't understand how he can go to marriage counselling with me as this big skeleton in the closet? i have also given him a 'chance' - saying that i hope once he's sorted out his life and head, that he will come back to me. i know that was a stupid thing to do. how can i move on? it's only been a few days. i keep reminding myself that he chose not to be with me, despite everything. secretly i hope he will come back, but i must move on and not hope. it's a lose lose situation for me. anyone out there who can make sense of this warped situation please help me. we could both see so much potential in this relationship and in love, but he is someone who values family love greatly - almost obsessive and wants the family unit to be traditional. he's been trying to maintain this despite not being happily married for about 10 years. please help me.

Hi Siyus, so sorry you're hurting. I can imagine how painful this is for you.

 

I don't think your MM was seeking "cheap thrill", I believe he genuinely loved you and that's why he moved out and planned a future with you. He really thought at the time that he could do it, but as often happens with all of us, he didn't know what it would be like exactly until it happened and it turned out more difficult than he'd expected.

 

Situations like that involve very strong emotions, sometimes conflicting ones, so it is easy to get overwhelmed and the reaction could be to run back to the security of where he had been for many long years. Especially when he had to deal with guilt over not fulfilling his obligation and hurting his loved ones, including his own children.

 

I don't believe that a man who loves you will move mountains to be with you, especially if it's a man with family, because he feels deep sense of duty towards his offspring and their mother - if he's a decent man, that is. Such a man will put his responsibilities before his own "selfish" happiness.

 

But I believe that he did/does love you. That, however, doesn't make it all any easier and you're definitely better off moving on without him, as you have already decided to do. I think he's unlikely to be able to definitely end his M any time soon so if you stay involved you'll most likely be in for a much longer painful rollercoaster ride. The only way you could stay in it would be if you were comfortable with the way things are, e.i. being just part of the picture, alongside his W and children.

 

Best of luck!

[siuys]

Thanks, Ellin for your reply. You have no idea how much your reply helps. It's still an emotional roller coaster ride for me right now as I'm trying to process everything that happened. And you are right, I am better off without him. I was willing to be part of his life with his wife and kids, but obviously not as a secret. My health has also suffered the past 6 months, with sleeping problems and too much fluctuations on the emotional front. This relationship completely consumed me, and I put him at no. 1, ignoring other aspects of my life. It is hard, but I am moving on. I will be seeing a therapist next week as I really need someone to help me. I have exhausted my friends, and I don't want to talk about it to them anymore. Yesterday I was so angry I contemplated telling his wife. I wanted to hurt him. I haven't done anything, and I don't think I will - it won't help anyone by acting vindictive. If any of you have any tips on how to move on, or just share your experience that would really help me. Thanks again.

[siuys]

Just as I was getting ever so slightly better, my MM sent me an sms. So much for promising not to contact me. I am angry. He uses the excuse that I still have some stuff at his place and wants to drop it off. He wrote he misses me like crazy and thinks about me all the time. What the hell is wrong with him? He is so selfish he only thinks of himself, and how he misses me. Meanwhile, he's back with his wife. People, what is your take on that? Months ago I have him an ultimatum - move out or I won't see him. Now I am going to give him another one - divorce or I won't see him. And that he can shove my stuff up his you know where.

[bentnotbroken]

Just as I was getting ever so slightly better, my MM sent me an sms. So much for promising not to contact me. I am angry. He uses the excuse that I still have some stuff at his place and wants to drop it off. He wrote he misses me like crazy and thinks about me all the time. What the hell is wrong with him? He is so selfish he only thinks of himself, and how he misses me. Meanwhile, he's back with his wife. People, what is your take on that? Months ago I have him an ultimatum - move out or I won't see him. Now I am going to give him another one - divorce or I won't see him. And that he can shove my stuff up his you know where.

 

 

Tell him to go talk to his offspring and their mother:sick:

[siuys]

A good friend of mine (male) thinks my MM is using me as Plan B because he knows I am not over him, and would probably take him back. And maybe just in case he keeps me on my toes. My friend reckons MM is using me for sex as he probably can't have sex with his wife just yet bla bla bla. I am beginning to think the same. Thoughts? Why am I even trying to decipher his message? I should tell him to disappear!

[2sunny]

Just as I was getting ever so slightly better, my MM sent me an sms. So much for promising not to contact me. I am angry. He uses the excuse that I still have some stuff at his place and wants to drop it off. He wrote he misses me like crazy and thinks about me all the time. What the hell is wrong with him? He is so selfish he only thinks of himself, and how he misses me. Meanwhile, he's back with his wife. People, what is your take on that? Months ago I have him an ultimatum - move out or I won't see him. Now I am going to give him another one - divorce or I won't see him. And that he can shove my stuff up his you know where.

 

why start again jan 1st? for more pain? wait until he is divorceD = final.

 

he wants to drop off your stuff so he can manipulate you back in to your prior position - and sex, of course. yes, it is selfish of him. but you don't need to allow it!

 

tell him to keep the treasures he has. or tell him to donate them. do not take his calls. he will escalate to an emergency to get you to engage.

 

my friend had a call from her ex today saying to come quick - he's in the emergency room... she said - nope, don't think so, nothing i can do for you, you do for yourself and i'll do for myself.

 

amazing what EMERGENCIES they come up with to try to get you back into their game. tell him to call his wife!

 

in your case - tell him to gift your things to his wife! you are so generous, eh? hehe

[FinallyFree2010]

siuys,

 

As Ellin said (and she did it extremely well, I might add), I too believe your MM loves you and cares for you.

 

Some people here want to make him out to be a villian (and you, as well) but please see past that. There is no way these people can know what is really going on with you. Only you can. Life is not that black and white.

 

This man would not have moved out of his house if he didn't love you and want to be with you. It is a horrible situation to be in .... not just for you, but for him, too. He has responsibilities and yes, he probably does love his W at some level and certainly he loves his kids. And he loves you, and wants to be with you. He can't be everywhere. His history and commitments are with her and his kids, though, and that is what draws them back in my opinion.

 

I do understand what you're going through, as my MM moved out to be with me also, and then went back to his M. Since then we have been back and forth (I posted my story in July under a similar but slightly different name) but the latest is that after I ended it in July, I finally caved last week from the many voice mail "I love you"'s and emails and how he is miserable. It isn't about sex as we live in different time zones and haven't even seen each other in weeks. In my case, anyway, there are extenuating circumstances as to why he can't leave his W to fend for herself (physical reasons on her part).

 

In any event, I do understand where you're coming from, and please don't let people on here belittle you into thinking that what you had wasn't real. It was. It doesn't make it less true that you need to move on, unless you want to keep living a rollercoaster life with a man whom you know isn't going to be able to give all of himself to you. Please take care.

[siuys]

I really appreciate your post, FinallyFree2010. I couldn't possibly imagine more rollercoaster rides. I would be physically sick if I continued this relationship. I just replied to his sms telling him to throw away my things, get a divorce, then maybe we can talk. He wrote back 'ok' - whatever that means. I would love to see him, but I just can't. I would be walking into hell again. How can I trust a man who is also so emotionally unstable? Someone who completely succumbs to his emotions. If his marriage is truly over, and he wants to be with me, then he would need to prove it with his actions. I can't believe he contacted me, and has now thrown me back a few days. I am so pleased I did not agree to see him. I hope your situation works out for you. How long a break did you have before you caved in?

[FinallyFree2010]

I really appreciate your post, FinallyFree2010. I couldn't possibly imagine more rollercoaster rides. I would be physically sick if I continued this relationship. I just replied to his sms telling him to throw away my things, get a divorce, then maybe we can talk. He wrote back 'ok' - whatever that means. I would love to see him, but I just can't. I would be walking into hell again. How can I trust a man who is also so emotionally unstable? Someone who completely succumbs to his emotions. If his marriage is truly over, and he wants to be with me, then he would need to prove it with his actions. I can't believe he contacted me, and has now thrown me back a few days. I am so pleased I did not agree to see him. I hope your situation works out for you. How long a break did you have before you caved in?

 

It was a couple of weeks before I caved. This time. I have been in this almost three years. We have been up and down and on and off.

 

It would be easy if it were just sex, but I love him like I've loved no one else, ever. His actions towards me say the same, as do his words... except that he won't and/or can't leave his M.

 

You did good in your reply to him. But he is going to keep contacting you. He is unhappily married. That point isn't going to change, and frankly I really do not believe that marriage counseling is going to fix that for him. Especially since he is in love with you. He is trying to keep the channels of communication open. You are on his mind. He isn't going to stop contacting you.

 

At this point even though it doesn't feel like it, you are the one in control. You can decide if you are going to keep going through this with him (he will want you back, count on it, trust me, been there done that!) given the limitations, OR you have to find a way to move on. It's like cutting off your right hand, but 'no contact' is probably the only way you will get there. You WILL get over him, not that it will be painless or easy.

 

I hear what you're saying about how it is affecting you physically. It has had that effect on me, too.

[siuys]

Hi FinallyFree, i feel for you. I, too, love him like no other person. But this is such a toxic situation. I do feel I am in control. It just takes a LOT of self restraint to be walking away from something that i know is bad for me. To me, love shouldn't feel this way. There must be a solution to problems like this. And if only one party is willing to be part of the solution, then the only solution is to walk away. Deep down, I hope he sorts his life out, and comes back to me. But I am also realistic. I am not sure if he will contact me again. I hope not. I also doubt how his marriage counselling is going to work with this big secret. I mourn the future we could have had - I think this kills me more than anything because I know how compatible we are. One thing for sure, I will never be in this situation again. It's just too hurtful. Wow, three years. I couldn't possibly imagine. I would feel like I've thrown my life away. You know, my sister is also seeing someone separated, but he's been separated for a few years and soon will be divorced. There's none of this BS, back and forth. He said one thing to me: how he treats you will give you the answer. If he puts you through hell, and unable or unwilling to find a solution, or unable to let you go because he 'feels so much', then he doesn't really love you, in my opinion. I would go back to him in a split second if he were divorced, but that will be months and months away even if it happens. And by then, I think i will have moved on. I simply can't live like this. and neither should he. i'm consumed by this whole thing again since his sms this morning. now i have to start again. i will try and find your earlier post. good luck.

[Ellin]

Thanks, Ellin for your reply. You have no idea how much your reply helps. It's still an emotional roller coaster ride for me right now as I'm trying to process everything that happened. And you are right, I am better off without him. I was willing to be part of his life with his wife and kids, but obviously not as a secret. My health has also suffered the past 6 months, with sleeping problems and too much fluctuations on the emotional front. This relationship completely consumed me, and I put him at no. 1, ignoring other aspects of my life. It is hard, but I am moving on. I will be seeing a therapist next week as I really need someone to help me. I have exhausted my friends, and I don't want to talk about it to them anymore. Yesterday I was so angry I contemplated telling his wife. I wanted to hurt him. I haven't done anything, and I don't think I will - it won't help anyone by acting vindictive. If any of you have any tips on how to move on, or just share your experience that would really help me. Thanks again.

I'm glad if I can help Siuys.

 

I know exactly how it feels, I also went through the time when the emotions were so strong and so raw that I felt them physically in my body, like I was in a grip of something too powerful to handle, I couldn't get a proper night's sleep for ages, it was so draining.

 

This is the specific set of emotions evoked by such a situation which I think is unique in this way. Someone who's never been there won't understand.

 

Yes, it seems to the best thing for you in the circumstances is to move on and I'm glad to see you are finding the strength in yourself to do this. Once you get through the hardest part you will be so relieved.

 

One suggestion I can make in regards to moving on is something that helped me once. It's just a silly little exercise but it might work. Take a sheet of paper and write down all the negative points of this man - including psychological, emotional, social, financial, practical, looks - any kind of weaknesses and things you don't like or ever got annoyed with.

 

No matter how perfect he might have seemed, you'll see that the list will be quite long. Really dwell on it. Don't leave anything out, even the smallest detail. When you've finished you should feel a little better and if you do go back to the list whenever you need.

 

Best of luck!

Edited August 16, 2010 by Ellin

[siuys]

Thanks, Ellin. I have actually done that already. It helps a bit. Every little bit helps. I have done the list, read countless posts on this forum, articles, books, talked to friends, will be talking to a therapist tomorrow. Bottom line, I don't want to be in this situation anymore. It's so twisted and toxic and bad for me. It's only been a few days but I am already getting better. I will be moving also, moving away from this area (I moved to this area so I could be closer to him - how stupid). So that will give me a new perspective.

 

I wonder about the other women out there in a similar position - how long have you been in this sort of situation? And how come you go back and forth? I know it's hard not to, as if my MM left me 100 i love you messages on my phone, i'd probably cave. I am asking simply because I cannot fathom how bad my life would be if I were to continue. I have been totally consumed by this relationship the last few months, and I feel like I have forgotten to live. I wish you all the best of luck.

[lilbunny]

I wonder about the other women out there in a similar position - how long have you been in this sort of situation? And how come you go back and forth? I know it's hard not to, as if my MM left me 100 i love you messages on my phone, i'd probably cave. I am asking simply because I cannot fathom how bad my life would be if I were to continue. I have been totally consumed by this relationship the last few months, and I feel like I have forgotten to live. I wish you all the best of luck.

 

I can totally empathise with you. I don't think many people realise what a crazy ride it is until they have already set off and it is really hard to stop. Lots of your story struck a chord, including the panic attacks and stress-related ill health. My MM had a history of these problems caused for different reasons, but he had a few episodes that I know were a result of our situation and I worry about him constantly.

 

I have reached the stage where I think if he wants to be with me he will do it properly and stick to it. I have asked for us to have a bit of distance and a set period of NC. I know he will respect this, but if I am honest I am doing all I can to keep busy and like you would be hard pushed to say no.

 

Stay strong. I went on a date the other night, nothing heavy just fun (I made it pretty clear I wasn't looking for anything serious) to remind myself that a) he is still going to bed with someone else every night, I am hardly being unfaithful to him and b) if he stays with his wife I've still got it!