Just broke up, initiating No Contact...

[Griffey]

Hey all I'm new to these boards and a lot of these threads have helped me get through a tough breakup after a 2 year relationship. I still love her and want her back, no questions asked.

 

Basically:

 

My gf asked for a break around July 20, but she didn't want to break up (yeah sure). So we talked every 3 or 4 days with her continually saying that she doesn't know if she can get past all the bads that have happened in our relationship.

 

I finally talked to her August 11th (only 2 days ago) and told her to get it over with and that I think she should follow her heart. She was crying throughout the convo and finally like an hour into she said we should break up (which I was expecting). I didn't beg, I told her I respect her decision, that she's a great girl and she will do great things in life. I told her the last two years have been great but the breakup is for the best. She agreed.

 

She described how she still wants to see me and not cut off all ties completely. She also said she will facebook stalk me to see what I'm up to and that when she gets back from her traveling for work (which is in September and October) that she "will look me up" and that she doesn't know if this is "forever."

 

Her decision to go on this break/break-up materialized when she began receiving serious attention from a co-worker of her's who I believe she has feelings for. Naturally he swooped in and gave her attention while I was going through studying for a big career defining exam this Summer and I rarely got to see her and I myself became distant (so I really only have myself to blame).

 

Anyway I told her at the end of the breakup convo that it might be best if we don't speak. She agreed but said she wanted to come over to my apt to pick up all her clothes and stuff. At first I said maybe I should drop it off at your home when you aren't there (one of the hardest things I've ever had to say). She got so sad after hearing it saying "you don't even want to see me" or something to that effect. I showed a minute of weakness and said "I do I'm sorry if that was rude, you can come over and get your stuff I won't drop it off when you aren't home."

 

She told me she would text me next week when a good time is.

 

My problem is that this break up was official 2 days ago, I've been in NC since then and plan to remain. However, obviously when she contacts me it's going to be so difficult because her contact won't be out of NC it will be bc she wants her stuff back.

 

My question is how should this encounter go? Should I just drop off her stuff and resume NC?

 

Should I dress really nice and attempt a break up sex session when she comes in hopes of maybe re-kindling something? What are the pros and cons of us getting intimate with each other one last time?

 

This whole ordeal has been crushing to me and any and all advice is welcome to help bring her back.

 

Just to conclude I understand that NC is to heal ME. But I think ultimately this is the girl for me and I think if we could reconcile it would lead to a perfect life together. Obviously I don't want to cling on and contact her, I just want her to miss me, contact me, and say that she wants to try.

 

Right now I'm looking at giving her 1 month of NC (then sending her a birthday card), and then maybe a second month, then calling her and attempting reconciliation.

 

 

Thanks for reading - I appreciate it

[TaraMaiden]

You can play it several ways, but trust me - getting back together will never repair this.

It will never be "how it was".

 

And I hate to say it, but second chances are invariably unsuccessful, because the person wanting out, still has an eye on the door, even if then vision is peripheral. They're never, ever truly 'back for good', second time around....

 

SO:

 

If you want her back, and she wants to try again, you tell her you go to counselling, and get outside professional support to discuss issues underlying this break-up. It's your way, but a way that will benefit both of you.

 

OR

 

You go NC, you pack up her stuff, and when she comes over, have someone else in your house to hand over her stuff, because seeing her just opens the wound, rips out the stitches, and keeps your heart bleeding. NC is for you to heal, to move on, and to understand that this is over.

O-VER.

You end it, cut off all contact, and let her make her own way.

If she's a big enough girl to throw this to the wind, then, she's big enough to learn to stand on her own two feet.

 

OR

 

You let her keep in touch, keep you on a back-burner, throw you breadcrumbs, and basically play this the way she wants, all the time uncertain herself as to whether she really wants you as 'the one' or simply the soft place to fall until something 'better' comes along.

 

Option 2 gets my vote.

because sensibly?

 

It's the only option which gives you any degree of certainty.

[boltsfan17]

I don't think you should blame yourself. She should have been more understanding while you were studying. It probably isn't a good idea to see her right now. You should either drop her stuff of while she isn't there or if she comes to your place, don't be there and have a friend give her stuff to her.

 

I also believe that's a bad idea to try and get intimate with her. It really will do more harm then good. I'm sure it will feel great at the time, but once she walks out that door, then how are you going to feel? I'm sure you will be upset.

 

For now, you need to start NC completely. I think your plan of sending her a birthday card in a month and then contacting her a month later is fine. I'm not sure I would try to reconcile when you first call her. Keep the conversation short and simple and just see how she's doing. I'm sure you are going through a roller coaster of emotions, but during this time of NC, you really need to think if this is the girl for you. What's going to happen if you aren't able to give her enough attention due to studying or other circumstances? Will she leave again?

[Don Ho]

Griffey: Very good job in handling the breakup and telling her those things! Then she tested you with "you don't want to even see me" and used guilt to get you to cave in. That's the only point where you were a little whimpy and gave her some control back.

 

NO you should not see her and give her stuff back. Just drop it off at her house when you know she's not home. Then she'll probably be hitting you up wondering what's up and try to reel you back in again (don't fall for her guilt trips again). NO you should not go have sex with her. Thats not going to raise her emotions or interest in you.

 

YES you should do NC for 1 month and see what happens. If she shows up at your door begging for another chance then you will have to figure out how you want to deal with that.

[Griffey]

Thanks for the advice guys I really appreciate it.

 

My only problem is I really think it may be a good thing to be there when she picks up her stuff, especially if I play it cool and don't come off as desperate. The fact remains that I haven't seen her in a month and I do believe it to possibly be beneficial us seeing each other.

 

She said when she broke up with me that she didn't want to see me out of fear that if she saw me before an actual breakup that she was scared she wouldn't be strong enough to go through with it. That's why I initiated the break up over the phone.

 

I also believe that she is still healing from the breakup and that she isn't emotionally detached like many women are when they decide to go for the breakup.

 

If I can play it cool, and send her on her way with her stuff at least I'll be able to get some info from her side to see if she is just needing time versus she has made up her mind.

 

Basically my strategy for now is to let her come over, see how much better I've been doing, feel her out a little on where she stands, and see when/if she may want to work on things in a month, 2 months, 1 year, etc. She already made it clear to me before actually breaking up that it doesn't feel right right now but that down the line it could be right.

 

After sending her on her way I'm planning on re instituting NC unless she says she made a mistake and wants me back for good.

 

For myself I really would like to just see her again, even if it's at my own emotional expense. She's the type where if I just dropped off her stuff she'd be hurt and not in a positive way (ie her thinking "he's being strong") and I don't think it would make me feel better (ie giving me some control back).

[Don Ho]

I get it, but the problem is that you won't be able to play it cool; you even admitted you will ask her where you guys stand. BAD idea. If you can truly play it cool and tell her "i don't want to talk about it right now" and keep your head up, then I suppose you could see her. However, I would still recommend that you not see her; that may make her miss you more and will not re-open your wound.

[boltsfan17]

I understand why you want to see her, but again, I don't think it's a good idea. I think it's too soon to discuss the relationship with her at this point. It hasn't even been a month yet. You can't worry about if you dropped off her stuff without seeing her, she would be hurt. She broke up with you. You need to go NC completely so you are out of her life. She needs to see what life is like without you in hopes of her second guessing her decision and missing you. Stick with your plan to send a birthday card and then wait and contact her a month later like your original plan calls for. Make sure you keep the birthday card short and simple.

[Not strong enough]

Do what my ex did, bring it outside the house when other people are around, hand it to them, then just walk off. Worked well for her, made me want her more for a short period of time.

 

Don't let her walk all over you, if she wants space give her that, she will figure out the grass on the other side is spray painted. If she wants you back she will come back. By that time, you will know if u actually want her, or u think you do. Then you can go from there.

 

In the words of a great man, "don't ever chase a women" "the more you chase them the more they run", kinda like on the playground when u were 7. Let her come kick u in the ass. Then turn around, and you can either push her in the sandbox, or you can offer her some of your fruit roll-up. Depends if you wanna hold her hand on the bus, or you wanna push her in the sand and laugh at her.

 

The better you appear to be without her, the more she will want you, just don't do anything to actually piss her off if you want her back. You can make her jealous, but don't rub her face in it.

[TaraMaiden]

Griffey - don't play mind-games, they're not worth it.

 

Just give her stuff back, go no contact and move on.

Playing mind-games just phukks you up more. There are no rules, and the other person doesn't play by them.

 

The best and only time to play mind games is when you can actually read minds.

 

Good luck with that.

[Don Ho]

Just get her stuff back to her when she's not there. You're not playing mind games, you're trying to minimize pain. Go NC. Good luck.