finder Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 So I went out with this guy for 2 years. I'm just gonna call him Ben. So Ben and I were dating and I realized that he had a serious drug problem. Eventually this ruined our relationship and we broke up. A year after our break-up he moved back here from Pittsburg where he had been in a half-way house. He was clean. Long story short, we got back together and stayed that way for a year. Then a few months ago he started getting weird. He wasn't using, but he was acting really weird (he has a lot of "behavioral issues"). He was getting sucked into this kind of gang and just generally sucking. I broke up with him. We've been broken up for about 2 months now. He's been constantly texting me and saying how much he misses me and loves me and all that dumb junk. And for the past month I've been completely ignoring him. Haven't spoken one word to him. Moved on. I'm over it. Wait, this does get crazy. Two nights ago I was in my kitchen with a few friends. I was making me a grilled cheese and my friend says "What is Ben doing outside?". It was so weird that I couldn't even process what she was saying. I turn around and Ben is standing at my back door with 2 of his friends from his little gang or whatever. He's knocking on the door and freaking out about I don't even know what. He's threatening one of my male friends who was with me in my kitchen (who Ben has never met before so I guess he thought that I was involved somehow with this male friend). Keep in mind. It was 1 AM. And he's outside my door. Uninvited. Haven't even spoken to him in a month. And there he is outside my door in the middle of the night and he's brought friends? The door actually wasn't locked so I reached over and just locked it. He stood there yelling through the door and I threatened to call the police. And he seemed to be under the impression that I was bluffing because he thought my friends and I had been drinking (we're underaged). We actually hadn't been drinking so whatever. I was bluffing. I really didn't feel like dealing with the police. But HE definitely had been doing some kind of a substance. He looked insane. In the 2 months since I'd last seen him he had somehow managed to get COVERED in tattoos. And he just looked out of his mind. Eventually he left. And then 15 minutes later he was back again. This time saying that he wanted his stuff back. I don't even know. My mom has at this point been woken up by all the noise and comes down. He keeps yelling about his stuff so she just humored him and let him get some junk out of the trunk of my car. Sometime during his stay on my back porch he actually stole my phone. I have no idea why. So that was just fabulous. Then he finally leaves. AAAAANNNNND an hour later he's back again. With more friends. Now they're just waiting. They're just chilling on my back porch and waiting for my male friend to come out of the house. So they can jump him. WTF? So we just ignored them and went on with our lives. My friend actually ended up having to stay the night because he couldn't leave the house with them out there. I get up in the morning and my friend has just left. My mom tells me that at some point last night Ben and his lovely friends went out to my friend's car and defaced the crap out of it. How wonderful, right? Anyway. Now I'm not allowed to do anything by myself. No one will leave me at home alone because they're afraid he'll come back. And honestly I'm kinda freaked out. He used to be a sweetheart but when he's doing drugs he gets really crazy. He does stuff that no one would expect from him. And I never told anyone but right before we broke up, he actually tried to strangle me. I punched him in the face so I was OK, but I just don't even know what he's capable of. I know he has guns. And he has all these crazy friends. I dunno. I just needed to get that out there to someone. I just don't even know what to do.
TaraMaiden Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Your big mistake was NOT calling the cops. it may not be too late to press charges of trespass, theft and vandalism. Jeesh, just call the police! he's an idiot, but it needs dealing with!
Beeotch Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 This is way beyond you or what anyone on Loveshack can do.... You NEED to get the authorities involved in this scenario Get a restraining order if you have to, press charges, something! If he is on drugs, has physically assaulted you and your friend, AND has a gun...I DON'T see him mysteriously getting better. It will most likely escalate as he is out of control. He needs help that you can't give him, and you don't want to end up a victim of his problems. PLEASE tell your family about this and please tell the police as well. Even if he gets locked up, it will be for his own good. Some time away will help him to detox and come to his senses. That's his only chance probably.
confused192 Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Please PLEASE contact the police. Even if you think, 'oh he wouldn't really hurt me, I know he wouldn't really do it' your life is too precious to make that gamble!
just_some_guy Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Two ways to deal with this. Police and restraining orders. Father and firearms. Not kidding. The guy is a dangerous POS. Do not tolerate, do not allow, do not humor or anything else. Deal with this swiftly and with certainty.
YellowShark Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 I agree 100% with the other recommendations. Call the police, file a report so that this incident is ON RECORD. What they did to the car is vandalism, he hit you, and both incidents ARE a precursor to what could probably be further violence. This is not a game.
Author finder Posted August 14, 2010 Author Posted August 14, 2010 Well my mom called the police and they have it on record that this happened. Then last night he kept texting me. I didn't text him back one time and he must have sent at least 100 messages starting a 12:30 AM and not stopping until 3:00 PM today. Saying all sorts of **** like he was gonna beat up my brother and still obsessing about my male friend who was in the kitchen when he showed up at my back door. Saying all sorts of terrible crap. And somehow he knows where my male friend works. I don't know how he knows that, but luckily that friend just so happened to be leaving the country for 2 weeks this morning, so hopefully it'll all blow over by the time he gets back. My dad says that the police can't really do anything even if we tell them about the texts and the threats. And my male friend definitely doesn't want to talk to the police about his car, so I can't make him. And I don't blame him. He didn't agree to get involved in this and it's been forced on him. Basically I'm never home alone after dark. I started parking my car in the garage instead of in the driveway so he can't tell if I'm home or not. My parents are going away for a few days this week so someone is gonna stay with me while they're gone. And I try to not be home a lot, just in case.
redmelon Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Wow, this is scary stuff! I think you are doing the right thing by not being home alone. Always keep an eye out in case you are being followed when you leave. You have to be willing to call the police in the future if he shows up. He was breaking several laws when he came to your house, and doesn't seem to care. The whole thing is creepy. I am worried for you, please be careful!
carhill Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Is there any particular reason you all are a bit wary of law enforcement? Sure, it often seems they're impotent, but the wheels of justice grind slowly. Next time he happens by, use your cell phone's video feature and gather some evidence. If someone is trespassing and you fear for your life, that's serious business for law enforcement. You could have a gun and kill this guy in self defense. Then they'd have a whole bunch of paperwork to do. Get my meaning? Sorry you have to endure this. It sucks. However, being proactive IME is the best path to resolution. Hopefully you won't have to walk that path any further. Best wishes
Eve Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 CCTV is very cheap nowadays. Put up a camera or two. Where I live the Police would do it for free and treat you as a HIGH RISK case.. 'Evidence' is key here to get this person locked up so he can dry out from the drugs. The previous attempt at strangulation is very worrying as strangulation attempt/s figure highly within DV incidents that result in death. Can you stay with relatives elsewhere for a while? You are probably scared enough and I do not mean to add to this.. but yes, I would grade this as a life threatening situation that needs immediate action. Take care, Eve xx
Author finder Posted August 14, 2010 Author Posted August 14, 2010 Is there any particular reason you all are a bit wary of law enforcement? Sure, it often seems they're impotent, but the wheels of justice grind slowly. Next time he happens by, use your cell phone's video feature and gather some evidence. Well, next time I WILL call the police. Taking video is a great idea and I will absolutely do that if he comes round again (especially since the new phone i had to get after he stole my old one has such great video resolution ). There's no real reason I don't want to deal with the police. I have actually only had good experiences with law enforcement in the past. It's just that it seems like such a pain in the ass. "Well if I call the police I'll have to wake my mom up again", "He'll probably be gone by the time they get here", "There's nothing they can really do anyway", "To make them take this seriously I'd have to admit that he tried to hurt me in the past and no one knows about that", "It's the middle of the night", "What will the neighbors think", "He probably won't really try to hurt me". And there's an embarassment factor there for whatever reason. I'm embarassed to have to call the police while my friends are there. And I'm really embarassed about him having tried to strangle me before. I know that's beyond idiotic, but that's the dead honest reason that I didn't call the police. And I knew that it was stupid the whole time. But now that I've heard the tone of these bazillion texts he's sent me, I'm getting really scared and I can't afford to make excuses.
carhill Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 When I was a kid there was a pervert (ex-BF) doing the 'peeping tom' (shows my age) thing next door with one of my neighbor's daughters, hanging around and peeking in windows. Sheriff kept coming around until they finally caught him and dragged him off to jail. They were all over 18 so he got an adult spanking. Do what you need to do. LEO's are often overextended but incidents where you or others have been threatened or this guy appears to be 5150 when high, get them involved, if only to take reports. If/when you have evidence, then swear out a complaint and nail him. I hope he just goes away. By souring the milk a bit, he'll likely move on to another target, and not soon enough
Author finder Posted August 14, 2010 Author Posted August 14, 2010 I hope he just goes away. By souring the milk a bit, he'll likely move on to another target, and not soon enough Unfortunately it is highly unlikely that he would move on to someone else. It's either me or no one. He actually has a new girlfriend (poor thing, she's probably still in high school) and he's STILL doing this. For whatever reason, I'm the only girl that he's ever actually had feelings for. Not trying to flatter myself, it's just true. So, in his mind, I'm the only girl worth getting himself this upset over. All the other ones, he just doesn't really care enough about to get so mad. He's been heard to say by many many people (including myself) that if he's not with me, then nothing matters. It is incredibly creepy to have someone GENUINELY feel that way about me and I know it's genuine. That's the problem.
carhill Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Are you being stalked? I remember the history of this well due to Cali enacting the first of the statutes after Rebecca Schaeffer was murdered. This may seem funny and creepy but it can be very serious stuff.
MorningCoffee Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Well my mom called the police and they have it on record that this happened. Then last night he kept texting me. I didn't text him back one time and he must have sent at least 100 messages starting a 12:30 AM and not stopping until 3:00 PM today. Saying all sorts of **** like he was gonna beat up my brother and still obsessing about my male friend who was in the kitchen when he showed up at my back door. Saying all sorts of terrible crap. And somehow he knows where my male friend works. I don't know how he knows that, but luckily that friend just so happened to be leaving the country for 2 weeks this morning, so hopefully it'll all blow over by the time he gets back. My dad says that the police can't really do anything even if we tell them about the texts and the threats. And my male friend definitely doesn't want to talk to the police about his car, so I can't make him. And I don't blame him. He didn't agree to get involved in this and it's been forced on him. Basically I'm never home alone after dark. I started parking my car in the garage instead of in the driveway so he can't tell if I'm home or not. My parents are going away for a few days this week so someone is gonna stay with me while they're gone. And I try to not be home a lot, just in case. Why not get an inexpensive subscription to a service on the Internet to convert those texts and voicemails to digital files which then can be saved on a flash drive for evidence. The service downloads messages/texts directly from your phone/device and so provides "chain of custody" supporting the authenticity of the recordings. Maybe the police take threats more seriously when helped with actual evidence. May also help getting a restraining order, other measures.
Author finder Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 Thank you all for your advice. I'm doing my best to enact all of the things you've suggested. I don't know if I mentioned, but I blocked his number. I haven't seen or heard from him since then, but somehow I doubt that that'll be the last of him. It's only been one day, after all. Hopefully he'll just go away. As of right now, I'm just really mad that he disrupted my life this way. I've been dating for a while and now have to stop, because I imagine that Ben's obsession with my male friend could easily be transfered to someone else and it's completely unfair to drag anyone else into this situation. Thank you all again.
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