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Posted

We broke up, three weeks ago yesterday.

 

For the most part, it seems like such a distant memory. I have run through the night countless time in my mind, wishing I had just gotten up and walked out, but I was afraid to.

 

I have taken the blame these past two weeks. The blame for our not talking, and very few emails that when we did communicate would say hurtful things to one another. One week had passed at one point. Every night I would compose an email and delete it and decide not to send it. One morning, I couldn't help it. I sent the email. It was very nice. We ended up going back and forth on email. He ended up getting angry with me. Turns out, when we broke up he asked to be put on a project in another state. I didn't know this, so he was using this against me as we emailed saying he was at work at a new site.

 

I did everything for him the duration of our relationship. When he was unemployed, I made surer he had things to do while I was at work and a home cooked meal every night. When he found a job, the commute from my place to his work was too much for him to handle, so I would commute from his place to my work. It was tiring... took a toll. But I did it out of love. When he moved into his apartment, I made cookies for him and his roommates as a nice gesture as the girlfriend. I made him a cake for his work potluck. If he got home from work late, I would time dinner so when he was walking through the door, dinner was just being taken out of the oven.

 

I did everything he wanted to do, no questions. I picked his friends over mine all the time. I started to lose myself along the way. I wasn't happy for months. There were days I wanted to leave it all behind, but didn't. I'm someone who tries and tries.

 

I would bring him dry cleaning for him. I remember there was this one day I didn't think I could pick it up for him and he got so upset with me. I was meeting a friend of mine for dinner (which I never did anymore) and it was the biggest deal... the worst thing I could do.

 

He seemed like such a great person. Some nights, I think about it. I remember the good things. All my friends tell me I need to remember all the things that made me unhappy for so long. It's not easy. It's easy for them to say, and they understand that.

 

When we broke up... he told me that was it. He told one of my best friends to get me to hate him, that we would never be again. He said some things that hurt and honestly still hurt if I think about them. When I heard these things, I said some mean things. He told me when we spoke that he wishes I had never said the things I said. That it was all my fault we couldn't try again. I wish he'd realize my reactions was to his actions. He claims the things he said were because he was angry and upset. So were mine.

 

I have beat myself up every single day. Thinking if I had just done something differently, but that's not fair to me. I did everything for him. I lived to make sure he was happy, every second, of every day. Last week he said I was a fool to think he doesn't miss me and miss what we had.

 

I can't think that he does though. I thought he was different. All he did was put on a really good act the entire time we were together. Meanwhile, I blame myself.

 

I want to know I can love again. I want to know I will meet someone again who comes from a great family and includes me in his life.

 

I'm scared. I gave my heart and soul. And for what?

Posted

I am so sorry you are hurting. I know it doesn't necessarily make it easier to hear but it will get better with time.

 

From just reading your post, it sounds like this guy was using you somewhat and taking advantage of your caring nature. He started to get used to the fact that you would do so much for him and meanwhile he could do whatever he wanted. It may not have started off that way...it sounds like you were just being a sweet girlfriend but it got to a point where he started expecting these things while not offering thanks or appreciation in return. The part of your post where you said that he got really upset at you the ONE time you couldn't pick up his precious dry cleaning for him was key. You were his girlfriend, not his maid or house servant. He seems extremely manipulative as well, which is clear by the way he turns everything around to make it seem like the whole situation was all your fault and that you are the sole cause of the breakup.

 

Please do not listen to this BS. This is not a good guy for you. If I were you, I would run far away from him, never speak to him again and forget he exists. You can do so much better!! I know that is not an easy task but take all the energy that you are using to beat yourself up over this breakup and put it towards forgetting this idiot. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but I don't like it when I see anyone, man or woman, walk all over their partner.

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Posted

Thanks for the response...

 

I agree with your statement on he became comfortable with my gestures. I didn't think he appreciated everything I did. There were days I would be sad sad or unhappy. I knew for awhile I was not happy, but I still wanted to try.

 

He would get frustrated very easily throught the relationship. I remember when we were helping him pack (his mother and I) he yelled at us both to leave. So I took my stuff and left without saying goodbye. About 15 minutes later he called me like nothing had happened. There was another time he pulled over on the highway, got out of the car and was screaming at me. he was upset because he asked me which way to go and my answer was not adequate enough even though these were the roads where I lived and I had no reason to assume anything other than he knew exactly where he was going.

 

When we broke up, I was devestated. When I mentioned always commuting from his place to work, I mean everyday. The train schedule was horrible (5am) so I ended up driving both ways. Well, there was terrible traffic where we are; which made me late for work. Four days after he leaves me, I lose my job. He has not asked me how I am once since then. So not only am I dealing with the loss of him, but I'm dealing with the loss of a job; which is essentially my fault yes, but my fault because I was the one driving all over creation for him everyday. My friends consider me an overly nice person, so I can say this... I don't understand how someone can be so heartless. He seemed like such a nice person and made it be that I'm the one who's the bad guy. I take things personally, and it still makes me sick knowing he's twisted this entire scenario to make me the bad guy.

 

There are so many things about the relationship that if I wrote them, one minute you'd think he was great and the next you'd probably ask why I stayed with him. I don't know. All I know is I did more for him than I had anyone and he absolutely broke my heart.

 

I feel like an empty shell. I can usually pick up the pices and move on, but for some reason that really isn't happening this time, and that scared me.

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