Hate my BF's best friend/roommmate!

[konfuzd]

I posted before about my situation with my bf's best friend, let's call him AH (short for A$$ Hole) but a quick recap:

 

A year into our relationship, AH tried to hook bf up with another girl. BF told me about this, he didn't go for it, but told me because he felt weird about the whole thing. I flipped out and wanted to confront AH, but bf convinced me not to, as he didn't want AH to be mad at him for telling me. I never got a chance to deal with it, and now harbour a lot of resentment for AH as we were friends before I met bf.

 

About a year ago, I started a job which was much closer to bf and AH's place than mine, so I started spending most of my time at their place. Although I don't pay rent, I do all of the cleaning and buy groceries (we all split things like condiments, milk, eggs etc - which I buy most of).

 

Despite my distaste and distrust of AH, I am always cordial towards him, and try to be friendly and accomodating. He, however treats me like crap. Everything I say, he turns around to be negative or makes some snarky remark. It's gotten increasingly worse, to the point where I snapped last night and just left.

 

I end up taking my anger out on bf, because he allows this guy to disrespect me. I understand that I am in their house, but that doesn't give him an excuse to treat me like that.

 

When I talk to bf about it, he tells me he will kick bf out if I want to move in with him, but I refuse to move in with him until we are married, or at the very least engaged.

 

If I don't stay there, I don't get to see bf during the week as staying at my place means a 2 hour commute for both of us. I don't know if talking to the friend would accomplish anything, as there is this wall up between us, and bf refuses to talk to him on my behalf as he says he doesn't want to confront his friend about his behaviour.

 

I've tried cooking nice dinners, or planning social outings for the 3 of us, trying to create a unity, and that seems to work for the short term, but then on the average day, things go back to the disrespectful nature.

[Ronni_W]

I can understand why your b/f would not want to "take sides" but that doesn't mean that you lose your right to try to improve your own life experiences.

 

Ask for a private meeting with the roommate (that is, just the two of you at a coffee shop or something), and just ask flat out, "What have I done to hurt or upset you?"

If he answers, "Nothing," insist that it must be something because you feel extreme tension/animosity from him and you trust your intuition enough to know that it is not from "nothing" that you're getting these feelings.

 

Don't mention about him trying to hook-up your b/f with someone else, don't accuse that he's been disrespectful and whatever -- because none of that is going to be very helpful to creating a better situation for yourself.

 

Just say that you really would appreciate the chance for the two of you to have better interactions than what's been happening, and ask for his ideas on how you two can make that happen.

 

You might want to tell your b/f what you're planning to do (NOT to get his permission, only to inform him.)

And you must also be prepared that it won't work out the way you hope/want it; in which case you'll just have learn to accept and live with the situation until it changes of its own accord.

 

In any case, of course, (if you haven't already done so) to stop talking/complaining to your b/f about it. It's not really his problem to solve, and he's already made it clear that he doesn't want to be put in the middle of it -- which is totally understandable and acceptable.

 

You'll also want to consider stop thinking about him as an a-hole -- your own disrespectful vibe is contributing to the overall animosity and tension. (He also has intuition that enables him to detect such things.)

 

Best of luck -- hopefully your efforts will turn things around for all three of you. I'm guessing NOBODY is having too much fun as far as this goes.

[gopher]

I posted before about my situation with my bf's best friend, let's call him AH (short for A$$ Hole) but a quick recap:

 

A year into our relationship, AH tried to hook bf up with another girl. BF told me about this, he didn't go for it, but told me because he felt weird about the whole thing. I flipped out and wanted to confront AH, but bf convinced me not to, as he didn't want AH to be mad at him for telling me. I never got a chance to deal with it, and now harbour a lot of resentment for AH as we were friends before I met bf.

 

About a year ago, I started a job which was much closer to bf and AH's place than mine, so I started spending most of my time at their place. Although I don't pay rent, I do all of the cleaning and buy groceries (we all split things like condiments, milk, eggs etc - which I buy most of).

 

Despite my distaste and distrust of AH, I am always cordial towards him, and try to be friendly and accomodating. He, however treats me like crap. Everything I say, he turns around to be negative or makes some snarky remark. It's gotten increasingly worse, to the point where I snapped last night and just left.

 

I end up taking my anger out on bf, because he allows this guy to disrespect me. I understand that I am in their house, but that doesn't give him an excuse to treat me like that.

 

When I talk to bf about it, he tells me he will kick bf out if I want to move in with him, but I refuse to move in with him until we are married, or at the very least engaged.

 

If I don't stay there, I don't get to see bf during the week as staying at my place means a 2 hour commute for both of us. I don't know if talking to the friend would accomplish anything, as there is this wall up between us, and bf refuses to talk to him on my behalf as he says he doesn't want to confront his friend about his behaviour.

 

I've tried cooking nice dinners, or planning social outings for the 3 of us, trying to create a unity, and that seems to work for the short term, but then on the average day, things go back to the disrespectful nature.

 

This...have you ever considered that you are there too much?

 

He is being passive agressive in telling you so, but in his mind, you are there too much. It doesn't matter how much you clean..cook, buy food or whatever. If I was in his shoes I'd feel the same. What's more...you would too. Imagine a female roomate whose b/f was always over because it was so close to work for him....I bet you wouldn't be happy.

[VeveCakes]

I agree. You are in THEIR house, you really have no rights. Your bf offers to live with you but you refuse. You need to compromise somewhere. Time to act like an adult, there will always be ppl in life you will have to associate with you don't get along with.

[konfuzd]

Yes- I have considered this, and have talked to them both about it, before we made the arrangement. I often tell them I feel bad about always being around. I even told my bf to ask the friend in confidence, as his friend might not be comfortable telling me directly. They have both reassured me on several occasions that it's not a problem.

 

The friend invited (without consulting with bf) a mexican exchange student to live in their house for 4 months. He also has his gf over quite regularily, and will often have some stoner buddy of his crashing on the couch for weeks/months at a time. Most of the poeple he has over help themselves to anything, stay up drinking and partying through the night, and don't clean up after themselves. They are not half as respectful as I am.

 

I do my best to stay away from friend as much as possible. I hide out in the bedroom or hang out outside when I'm there, only using the common areas to cook, and occasionally to watch tv with them. I never turn on the tv when I'm there alone, or try to pick what show we watch. I let them have their guy time, and even suggest they go hang out while I do my own thing. I am pretty much as acommodating as I can be.

 

I have been in situations where roommates always had their bf around, and in one case a roommate's mom was at our place at all times. When it became an issue, I was an adult about it, and discussed my concerns with the roommate instead of just being rude to their guest.

[Lady vs Panda]

Yes- I have considered this, and have talked to them both about it, before we made the arrangement. I often tell them I feel bad about always being around. I even told my bf to ask the friend in confidence, as his friend might not be comfortable telling me directly. They have both reassured me on several occasions that it's not a problem.

 

The friend invited (without consulting with bf) a mexican exchange student to live in their house for 4 months. He also has his gf over quite regularily, and will often have some stoner buddy of his crashing on the couch for weeks/months at a time. Most of the poeple he has over help themselves to anything, stay up drinking and partying through the night, and don't clean up after themselves. They are not half as respectful as I am.

 

I do my best to stay away from friend as much as possible. I hide out in the bedroom or hang out outside when I'm there, only using the common areas to cook, and occasionally to watch tv with them. I never turn on the tv when I'm there alone, or try to pick what show we watch. I let them have their guy time, and even suggest they go hang out while I do my own thing. I am pretty much as acommodating as I can be.

 

I have been in situations where roommates always had their bf around, and in one case a roommate's mom was at our place at all times. When it became an issue, I was an adult about it, and discussed my concerns with the roommate instead of just being rude to their guest.

 

 

He finds you annoying because you lurk like a silent shadow and only come out to act like their mom. He can't say this directly to your boyfriend, because they're guys, and you're the girlfriend. Guys have a code about that stuff. When you persist in saying things like, "Oh tell me and I'll leave," very few people can actually say anything because they think it's rude, so they squirm in discomfort.

 

Of course he shouldn't be rude to you, and he shouldn't disrespect your relationship by trying to hook your boyfriend up. Your boyfriend should probably stand up for you more, but he has chosen to straddle the midline and try to keep everybody happy.

 

I understand that their home is closer to your job. Still, it is their home, THEIR home, not your boyfriend's alone, not yours.

 

Were I in your shoes, I'd not put up with the behavior from the roommate. I would go to my own home. If your house is really too far from your work, I would look for either a new job, or a new place to live.

 

Your boyfriend already knows you won't move in without an engagment, and he's not asking. You need to demonstrate for him that you can carve your own space in the world, instead of hall-monitoring his.

[Ronni_W]

Triple-ditto what Lady vs Panda said.

I never turn on the tv when I'm there alone,

If you're there even when your b/f is not...you're sure feeling very much at home, dare I say pretty much to the point of "moved in"?

So, your thing about "not until we're engaged" isn't really gonna hold much water with your b/f.

[a_woman]

He finds you annoying because you lurk like a silent shadow and only come out to act like their mom. He can't say this directly to your boyfriend, because they're guys, and you're the girlfriend. Guys have a code about that stuff. When you persist in saying things like, "Oh tell me and I'll leave," very few people can actually say anything because they think it's rude, so they squirm in discomfort.

 

Of course he shouldn't be rude to you, and he shouldn't disrespect your relationship by trying to hook your boyfriend up. Your boyfriend should probably stand up for you more, but he has chosen to straddle the midline and try to keep everybody happy.

 

I understand that their home is closer to your job. Still, it is their home, THEIR home, not your boyfriend's alone, not yours.

 

Were I in your shoes, I'd not put up with the behavior from the roommate. I would go to my own home. If your house is really too far from your work, I would look for either a new job, or a new place to live.

 

Your boyfriend already knows you won't move in without an engagment, and he's not asking. You need to demonstrate for him that you can carve your own space in the world, instead of hall-monitoring his.

 

+1. Even if other people crash, they leave after a period. You are like a 3rd room mate and AH resents you for it. Move closer to work or get a different job.