9Lives Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Im reading this great book that is helping me so here are some questions you need to be asking yourself. How do you tell ligitimate hope from unfounded hope? By looking carefully and coldly at the facts. Does the other person SAY he wants things different from what they are? Is he doing ANYTHING about it? Do you and he really want the same thing, or might you be distorting that? Are the significant actual changes in that direction that you want? Have you made real efforts to make it better? What was the results of those efforts? How long has it been unsatisfactory? Is there any hard evidence that by giving it more time,it is likely to get better? An objective exploration of these questions may give you some idea whether you are deluding yourself with false hope or sustaining your morale through a difficult period with legitimate optimism based on a realistic appraisal of the facts and potentials. Since this is difficult to do alone sometimes, getting the perspectives of the other people, providing they have no strong personal biases about your relationship, can be quite helpful. This is all in this book. It alone has help me measure this hope I have inside. Very good questions for me. Another thing the book said was There is no such thing as a one and only man or woman for you, or a one and only person you canfeel attracted to or with whom you can feel comfortable or will want you. There are many people with whom you might have a good and exciting relationship. But it is up to you! What is important is to develp trust...that you have the ability to form a new love relationship if the current one ends. Very powerful!
piscis Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Yes it is !! I own it and think is highly recommendable. Glad to know it has helped you!!
jj33 Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Great post. Its so easy to read hopeful signs into anything if you want to. I will look at the book again.
Author 9Lives Posted August 13, 2010 Author Posted August 13, 2010 Great post. Its so easy to read hopeful signs into anything if you want to. I will look at the book again. oh yeah! I been holding on hoping and hoping and praying and hoping. Nothing is changing. It is actually getting worst. I just keep holding on. Losing my life and my time and just hoping he will want me like he use to. It real bad. But this little exercise helps me to look at reality. He stop being with me and got with another chic. Is it really better? no, it not
Silly_Girl Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Oh balls. I hate stuff like that. It's so true.... I'm too tired and am working late on a weekend, but I think I need to flag this for a re-read.
Billie Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Does the other person SAY he wants things different from what they are? Yes he Did. He said he wanted to be with me. He said he likes his wife and he loves her, but it was not right between them. He does not feel himself with her. When he is with her experiencing life, he wished he was instead with me. Is he doing ANYTHING about it? He told his wife about us as he wanted to us to be together. I tried to make him think about this, tried to make him think before he acted. He told me he had and it was the right thing to do. He would be there for me. Do you and he really want the same thing, or might you be distorting that? I really think we did. we wanted life together, we spent time doing the mundane things in life with eachother and they were some of the most blissful times of my life. He told me the same too. Are the significant actual changes in that direction that you want? well, there were. He told her about us. What was the results of those efforts/changes? She told him she wanted to make their marriage work. He has since cast me aside and told me he is giving it a go at home and will not be speaking with or seeing me anymore. I tried to talk to him, I was mad at him, i then calmed down and asked to see him. He never showed. I called and called and he let his phone ring. I sent him text messages asking why he was doing this to me...he did not answer, i text him and told him if he would not answer me, i would go to him. this must have scared him as He called my mother and told her that he was sorry, and that he does not know if he is making the right choice but he needs to try and make his marriage work. He told her he was sorry to hurt me and he did it on purpose to try and make me hate him. He said he was not going to contact me again.
siuys Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Does the other person SAY he wants things different from what they are? Yes, he did. He said he wanted us to be together, and we spoke about our future. He said he doesn't feel much for his wife, although he cares for her as the mother of his children. Is he doing anything about it? Yes, he moved out. And we had a lovely time and gotten closer, until the reality of his situation hit him. His sons freaked out about his apart situation, and his wife offered to give their marriage another go. He jumped at the opportunity. He admitted he may have made a mistake, but will stick to it and give it his best. So yes, he did do something about it, it just didn't last, and he flipped from one day to next next. Do you and he really want the same thing, or might you be distorting that? I really think we did. We often talked about how we would live, what things we would be doing etc. We cooked, we read, we watched movies. We talked, we hiked, we went out. We connected. I guess in the end, I thought he wanted the same thing as I, but he wanted his family as a unit more. What was the results of those efforts/changes? Well, he's back with his wife and going to counselling. He hasn't moved out yet and is living on his own, but they are going to counselling, and hoping it will all work out and can keep the teenage children happy. His oldest is already 18. What can I say? I asked him not to contact me, but he did anyway, and told me he misses me like crazy and thinks of me all the time. But bottom line, unless he divorces, the journey for me has ended.
pureinheart Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Im reading this great book that is helping me so here are some questions you need to be asking yourself. How do you tell ligitimate hope from unfounded hope? By looking carefully and coldly at the facts. Does the other person SAY he wants things different from what they are? Is he doing ANYTHING about it? Do you and he really want the same thing, or might you be distorting that? Are the significant actual changes in that direction that you want? Have you made real efforts to make it better? What was the results of those efforts? How long has it been unsatisfactory? Is there any hard evidence that by giving it more time,it is likely to get better? An objective exploration of these questions may give you some idea whether you are deluding yourself with false hope or sustaining your morale through a difficult period with legitimate optimism based on a realistic appraisal of the facts and potentials. Since this is difficult to do alone sometimes, getting the perspectives of the other people, providing they have no strong personal biases about your relationship, can be quite helpful. This is all in this book. It alone has help me measure this hope I have inside. Very good questions for me. Another thing the book said was There is no such thing as a one and only man or woman for you, or a one and only person you canfeel attracted to or with whom you can feel comfortable or will want you. There are many people with whom you might have a good and exciting relationship. But it is up to you! What is important is to develp trust...that you have the ability to form a new love relationship if the current one ends. Very powerful! Hi 9L, it's interesting, as I asked these similar questions at various points in my last R. As things did not progress to my liking I moved on. Life is wayyyyyy too short to waste. You seem to be the type of person that wants to know the "whys and hows" of the matter at hand. I am too, there are a couple others that read to gain understanding on this particular board, and I believe it is a good idea... Your doing really well BTW.
Author 9Lives Posted August 15, 2010 Author Posted August 15, 2010 Hi 9L, it's interesting, as I asked these similar questions at various points in my last R. As things did not progress to my liking I moved on. Life is wayyyyyy too short to waste. You seem to be the type of person that wants to know the "whys and hows" of the matter at hand. I am too, there are a couple others that read to gain understanding on this particular board, and I believe it is a good idea... Your doing really well BTW. doing the best I can. be glad when my feelings catch up with reality. ugh!!!
Recommended Posts