BiAxident Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 1) Dated a woman I had known for 16 years and had been very close friends with. We had everything in common, things went great until she broke up with me in '06 because I wasn't "professional" enough. Fortunately, I discovered loveshack and initiated NC, somehow regained a bit of sanity, though no confidence. 2) Waited over 2 years, finally gave her a call to see how she was doing. Wound up getting together and having sex the same day, which turned into friends with benefits, which turned into her wanting to get back together. 3) Hesitated to get back together out of fear of getting dumped again. She grew tired of my hesitation, started seeing other men, freaked me out, I came around and we started dating. Discussed getting married and what the wedding would be like. She told me I could keep her if I gave her a ring. 4) Now, she has gone on vacation for a family wedding in Colorado, and discovered that she doesnt miss me so much, and has told me that she loves me but isn't in love with me. Wants to keep dating to see where things go, but also wants more free time to herself. Wants to make sure this isn't a rebound relationship. 5) I've never dated any other woman, I've never really loved any other woman, and I cant see myself with any other woman. Cant sleep, cant eat, cant think straight, cant find fulltime work, cant see anyway out of the hell that my life is becoming. Father is unemployed and is going to need financial help to keep his house, I make a whopping $700 a month. 6) Dont know if I should be happy to be in a relationship with the woman I love and try to nurture it so she'll fall in love with me, or if I should be depressed that she will eventually leave me. I'm sure if I'm sad when I'm around her, it'll make it all the easier for her to leave me. Thank goodness for loveshack.
You Go Girl Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Read this over and over again: Love doesn't pay the bills. The gods help those who help themselves. You spend all your energy and hours thinking about her, and little thinking about the financial situation you are in. It's not working, is it? I know I'm talking to a brick wall at this point. But do you want to lose the house, and the girl too? Because what you are currently doing is setting yourself up for exactly that. Better make sure that you keep the house. The girl, any girl, is always a gamble. A place to live is a necessity. Time you started thinking about what are the necessities in life, and what are the luxuries. Once you get your thinking cap re-arranged a little bit, other things will start falling into place, such as romances.
Author BiAxident Posted August 13, 2010 Author Posted August 13, 2010 I've been trying to find fulltime work for over a year, but I am either overqualified or under-qualified for everything, and I live in Michigan which isnt helping matters any. For her, being aware of that situation is all the more reason for her to not be with me. As always, thank you for the reply.
Tractor Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 BiAxident Iv only been a member here a short time and have problems of my own, so I may not be qualified to answer but here goes. True, love does not pay the bills. But once your financal life is in order you will gain confidence. That is attractive to women. Confidence not money. Money dosent hurt but it is not the answer to everything If this woman is flip- floping you might look for the real answer to that, either from her or mabey from yourself. Hard questions, I know, Im asking my own right now. Im not rich but have money, a house,and no debt, and am in a seperation from a woman Ive been with for 6 years. THE MONEY WILL NOT FIX THE WOMAN. It will save the house,secure you and your fathers future, and allow you to gain confidence. If that part of standing up and being a man dosent help her see who you are, then rethink her. I know you and I are in different spots in our lives and from reading post I thinkk you are younger. Women dont change much Strength as a man wins over money.
Ronni_W Posted August 13, 2010 Posted August 13, 2010 Hey BiAxident. I'm sorry it turned out this way -- I guess you weren't over-reacting or over-thinking, after all. (Though I'm sure that's little, if any, consolation, at this point.) 6) Dont know if I should be happy to be in a relationship with the woman I love and try to nurture it so she'll fall in love with me, Your instinct/gut has proven very accurate indeed, so I'd suggest to consult it on these matters, too. Deep-down, do you believe that, single-handedly, you can "nurture" things so that she'll fall in love with you? Do you really think that, single-handedly, you can make the "spark" happen for her? And, if your answers are 'yes', is your instinct agreeing with you? What is your own gut advising, about whether or not to be happy over the single fact that you're in (this kind of) relationship with her? I would encourage you to trust your own judgment/intuition above all else. IMO, of every tool and support that we have, our intuition is our wisest and strongest ally. In any case, though. It's rough. I'm sorry you're going through it. Big hugs.
Author BiAxident Posted August 14, 2010 Author Posted August 14, 2010 Deep-down, do you believe that, single-handedly, you can "nurture" things so that she'll fall in love with you? Do you really think that, single-handedly, you can make the "spark" happen for her? And, if your answers are 'yes', is your instinct agreeing with you? What is your own gut advising, about whether or not to be happy over the single fact that you're in (this kind of) relationship with her? No, I do not believe that I can do anything to "make" her fall in love with me. Given how long we've known each other, and the amount of time and affection I've given to her as of late, if she isn't "in love" with me after 5 weeks, why would she be "in love" with me after 6.. or 7.. or 8? My only real hope at this point, is that she agrees to the idea of couples therapy, and comes to understand that no couple experiences constant infatuation with one another, and that the fact that she chose me in the first place after taking a month to think it over, because of our chemistry, shows that the relationship can work. My fear is that, when she does come back and I see her next, my feelings will dictate my attitude, she'll see that I'm depressed, hanging out will be akward, and that will be that
Ronni_W Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 BiAxident, I will be rooting for you! The fear that you express is valid...hopefully it will not come to pass, though. Sending plenty of positive vibes.
GrayClouds Posted August 14, 2010 Posted August 14, 2010 Your not listen to what she is saying. She is saying she believes there is better out there and she wants to find him, but is willing to keep you around until she does so she does not have to do this looking by herself. Let this thing go and it will be the first step in reducing the stress in your life. Hold on to this girl is only holding on to a life that is not working. Then go help out your dad, it will remind you that no matter how tough things are right now, you are valuable to the people who really matter in your life. It is give you purpose for now and time to slow build the life you want. Good luck.
mannpho Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 I read the post and I am just in the midst of the same situation. It's now over 5 weeks and i too thought the same she will be in love with me. Well she wasn't Im destroyed now.
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